Am I Overreacting??

[Fandango 1,440]

How about letting him be the master of his home, in the Christian way?

Nobody thought this was peculiar?

I think there are many things in this thread that are peculiar.....

[Sister Fracas 5]

How about letting him be the master of his home, in the Christian way?

Nobody thought this was peculiar?

yes

Edited April 19, 2006 by Frances

[Fandango 1,440]

(((((CanGal)))))

Have a good talk with him tonight and yes, marriage is sometimes a challenge...it's not all about roses. Merc has some good points from the man's point.....sometimes they are just a bit thick and need things completely spelled out.

But when you treat a man like a child & don't give him credit as an adult, that kinda cuts his balls off, no? Do you think the husband is going to feel like an equal partner if he's talked to as if he's an idiot & needs things 'spelled out'?

I wouldn't want anyone telling my husband 'oh sometimes women are a bit silly, and you have to lead the poor dear by the hand or else she'll get lost'

_____________________________

Second point I wanted to make to no one particular:

Someone else said here 'oh have him repeat back to you what you said' and I happen to think there couldn't be worse advice...unless the OP's hubby has some kind of mommy fettish....

Ya know?

Edited April 19, 2006 by LisaD

[jelti 0]

Goodness, I think many people are missing the main points of CanGal's original post.

#1. It doesn't matter HOW trivial you all THINK him looking at porn/bikini models/whatever is. It doesn't matter if you think using pornographic material to aid in masturbation is healthy. It doesn't even matter if you think "all men are doing it." As one poster said earlier, different strokes for different folks. You enjoy looking at porn with your spouse? GREAT! She is not you, she has different opinions and beliefs, and she will never be able to "just get over it."

#2. She has stated over and over again that she's not merely upset that he was looking at these scantily-clad models, she is upset because he said he would stop and then CONTINUED DOING IT. This, my friends, is called lying. And lying is not good.

#3. Respect. There seems to be a major lack of respect going on in this relationship. HIS ACTIONS ARE BREAKING HER HEART. What else matters? Whether it be gambling, taking drugs, smoking, drinking, looking at porn...if his actions are hurting her so much, he needs to either stop or the relationship will need to end. There truly is no compromise, imho.

And gimygirl (and I mean absolutley no offense by this), I truly respect your opinions, but that is what they are...opinions. Please do not continue putting thoughts into CanGal's head that all men are naturally designed to be closet perverts that simply cannot refrain from envisioning the naked breasts of every beautiful female. If this were true, there would be no such thing as homosexuality. All studies are based on theory. And while some theories go on to become fact, this is one theory that will always remain a theory. We humans are not mind readers; we will never truly know whether or not all men will always look at all beautiful women and then think of all the sexual aspects of her body. However, one thing I do know is that many of my male-friends (and many are single) would not agree with you. They simply have much more respect for themselves and for women than to behave this way, no matter what the world tries to program into their heads.

sweetie .... do you know how many guys do that on a daily basis?!?!?!

anytime ANY man sees a cutie he IMMEDIATELY thinks what her breasts look like, what it would be like to sleep with her, what color panties is she wearing, does she swallow .... and these thoughts happen within mere seconds of each other and then they are out of his head until the next woman prances along!! am i wrong guys??

i know that you weren't talking about masturbation ... but i'm sure you know he's not reading the newspaper or clipping his nails while the porn slideshow is going on ...

i think you need to work through some of your own issues before you try to tackle this one as a couple. there are ways to reduce your insecurity and to make you feel better about yourself.

[jordanianprincess 0]

I don't think that anyone has forgotten to take Cangals original post into consideration. She asked for different view points and she got them, now she can make a decision about what she would like to do.

LisaD makes a good point...you can't treat him like a child. Whether its a man or woman, no one likes to be dictated.

Many of you have posted that both you and your partner have come to a mutual agreement that this is wrong and you are happy that way. Many of you have said that you and your partner have come to a mututal agreement that this is ok. The point is it was mutual. I don't think they actually came to a mutual agreement.

I've been down this road myself. She asks him to stop, he says ok. Maybe he did it to spare an arguemenmt, maybe he did it so would not have to be nagged at, or maybe he did it thinking he could just go and do it behind her back. Whatever the reason he had, he does not want to give it up and that is the real issue. Had he wanted to give it up, then he would have done so already. Does that mean he doesn't love her? Absoulutly not. Folks sometimes you need to agree to disagree.

He likes porn.

She hates porn.

Who gets their way? It's a power struggle.

[Cassie 8]

Goodness, I think many people are missing the main points of CanGal's original post.

#1. It doesn't matter HOW trivial you all THINK him looking at porn/bikini models/whatever is. It doesn't matter if you think using pornographic material to aid in masturbation is healthy. It doesn't even matter if you think "all men are doing it." As one poster said earlier, different strokes for different folks. You enjoy looking at porn with your spouse? GREAT! She is not you, she has different opinions and beliefs, and she will never be able to "just get over it."

#2. She has stated over and over again that she's not merely upset that he was looking at these scantily-clad models, she is upset because he said he would stop and then CONTINUED DOING IT. This, my friends, is called lying. And lying is not good.

#3. Respect. There seems to be a major lack of respect going on in this relationship. HIS ACTIONS ARE BREAKING HER HEART. What else matters? Whether it be gambling, taking drugs, smoking, drinking, looking at porn...if his actions are hurting her so much, he needs to either stop or the relationship will need to end. There truly is no compromise, imho.

I couldn't agree with you more!

It's this part of a post on page 5 or 6 by CanGal that makes me sad (bold quotes by me):

And to the majority of us, i know it bothers us, why do we have to bring our standards down? I guess it don't make sense to me when he's got a beautiful wife and he leaves me sleeping in other rooms or doing stuff or even just watching tv and rather be here looking when i'm willing to give him everything he wants, and that these women can't give anything back. Whats there in that. I don't think it is "normal" so many people just tell us its normal that we all believe it now.

[sukie175 0]

I've always said there's no harm in looking as long as there is no touching or tasting going on.

That goes for the woman as well as the man, in my book.

I could not agree more with this statement.

My own experience bears out what the guys are saying to you and personally I think the mens perspective should be what you take note of - they all say they look but it does not affect their relationship.

I have been in 3 longterm relationships and am nearly 40. All 3 occasionally looked at a Playboy or a bit of porn and it never really worried me. I guess it bothered me most when I was in my early twenties and did not have years of 'man knowledge'. But now approaching 40 fast and having been in relationships for most of that 20 years, I don't worry about it - I guess relationship maturity has brought a more laidback attitude.

I have also observed the same working in a male orientated company for many years, there were often topless or worse pics circulating amongst the men, but most of them would never dream of acting on them. They were something for them to giggle over and make lewd comments about - like schoolboys, men just don't seem to see this as a big deal.

Cangal - I have no doubt this was hurtful but don't throw up everything over something the majority of men just view as a rite of passage and no big deal. But you know your man and if you think this is affecting your relationship or an addiction, then that is a whole different matter that does need discussing further. I would however have an issue as you do, with his saying he'd stopped when he clearly had not. Personally for me trust is the biggest issue in a good relationship.

As for those who say they could not be with a man who looks at these things, sadly I think you could be setting yourselves up for a fall eventually.

Sarah

Nope not overreacting at all. Looking leads to thinking about it, thinking about it leads to talking about it, talking about it leads to actually doing something. I'd flip out too if I caught my man looking at smut!

completely not true .... that's like saying pot is the segue drug to hard drugs. it's simply not the case ..... not saying that it CAN"T happen but that is a HUGE over-generalization.

Totally agree with Gimygirl - the statement from veiledprincesslayla is just crazy and unbelievably naive!! Jeez have you never looked at Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp et al and thought phwoar, does that then make you want to act on it!!!

[MrMrsKnight 0]

My own experience bears out what the guys are saying to you and personally I think the mens perspective should be what you take note of - they all say they look but it does not affect their relationship.

I have been in 3 longterm relationships and am nearly 40. All 3 occasionally looked at a Playboy or a bit of porn and it never really worried me. I guess it bothered me most when I was in my early twenties and did not have years of 'man knowledge'. But now approaching 40 fast and having been in relationships for most of that 20 years, I don't worry about it - I guess relationship maturity has brought a more laidback attitude.

I have also observed the same working in a male orientated company for many years, there were often topless or worse pics circulating amongst the men, but most of them would never dream of acting on them. They were something for them to giggle over and make lewd comments about - like schoolboys, men just don't seem to see this as a big deal.

Cangal - I have no doubt this was hurtful but don't throw up everything over something the majority of men just view as a rite of passage and no big deal. But you know your man and if you think this is affecting your relationship or an addiction, then that is a whole different matter that does need discussing further. I would however have an issue as you do, with his saying he'd stopped when he clearly had not. Personally for me trust is the biggest issue in a good relationship.

As for those who say they could not be with a man who looks at these things, sadly I think you could be setting yourselves up for a fall eventually.

Sarah

I couldn't agree more with this post. Everything you said that I quoted up there would easily come out of my mouth! And I just wanted to add I'm not even 21 yet..... so maybe that shows that, sometimes, age doesn't have so much to do with someone's perspective.

[sukie175 0]

Sorry for the 3 posts in a row - but OMG I had to comment on some of this unbelievable bullsh!t!! And I am not usually this blunt but I seriously wonder how old some of these posters are (Mrs Knight excepted) and how much real knowledge/experience they have of mens minds!!!

However, one thing I do know is that many of my male-friends (and many are single) would not agree with you. They simply have much more respect for themselves and for women than to behave this way, no matter what the world tries to program into their heads.

So you are telling us that these male friend of yours have never ever in their lives looked at such a picture alone or behind the bike sheds with their mates- yeh right. Did you ever think they might be telling you what they know you want to hear!!

A seriously wound up Sarah!!!

Edited April 19, 2006 by sukie175

[Veiled Princess 1]

"someone told me this once: Watch your thoughts, they become your words, watch your words they become your actions, watch your actions they become your character, watch your character because it becomes your destiny.

Oh pretty close to what you said veiledprincesslayla"

That's exactly what I was trying to say... this was much more eloquent though

"So you saw the bikini pic I posted. Good. Now tell me, if your husband was looking at that would you have minded so much?

No, of course not. And why not? Because the woman in that picture is not attractive.

So what exactly is the real issue here? A woman in a partial state of undress or a beautiful woman in a partial state of undress?"

I wouldn't care if she was a model or a dog. My husband has ME to look at. If that's not good enough for him he can go!

" completely not true .... that's like saying pot is the segue drug to hard drugs. it's simply not the case ..... not saying that it CAN"T happen but that is a HUGE over-generalization. "

Well I can't speak for everyone but my brother and my ex husband used to smoke pot and was content with that until the high wasn't high enough anymore so they both moved on to stronger drugs and it took them both many years to get off the stuff. So, I do believe that pot leads to harder drugs.

"Totally agree with Gimygirl - the statement from veiledprincesslayla is just crazy and unbelievably naive!! Jeez have you never looked at Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp et al and thought phwoar, does that then make you want to act on it!!!"

As far as being naive, all I can say is... you let your SO do whatever you feel comfortable with and I will do the same. If he/she does manage to be with you for the rest of you life without ever cheating then Praise God! It's not likely though so it sounds like I'm not the one being naive. Over half of all marriages end in divorce nowadays and it's usually due to one of the partners exploring their sexuality outside of the relationship or seeking greener grass. And obviously the OP is not comfortable with the fact her SO is doing this if she's asking the question. And if it makes her uncomfortable then why would her SO want to continue to cause her to feel that way?

IMHO, one of the problems in our society today is the lack of shame or modesty. By looking at these vile pics of nearly or totally nude people, not only are the models showing NO amount of modesty but the veiwer is slowly breaking down the level of shame they feel in looking at such things. Once that shame is removed completely what stops them from pursuing more than pics on the internet to look at? Or to touch for that matter? How long will it be before their urges overtake them and they start looking for gratification?

I'm not saying this is true in all cases obviously it's not true for everyone. Some have higher levels of self control than others but why even take the risk? I'm sorry I even replied to this post to begin with. I was just offering my support for the OP.

[Fischkoepfin 1]

Sorry for the 3 posts in a row - but OMG I had to comment on some of this unbelievable bullsh!t!! And I am not usually this blunt but I seriously wonder how old some of these posters are (Mrs Knight excepted) and how much real knowledge/experience they have of mens minds!!!

However, one thing I do know is that many of my male-friends (and many are single) would not agree with you. They simply have much more respect for themselves and for women than to behave this way, no matter what the world tries to program into their heads.

So you are telling us that these male friend of yours have never ever in their lives looked at such a picture alone or behind the bike sheds with their mates- yeh right. Did you ever think they might be telling you what they know you want to hear!!

A seriously wound up Sarah!!!

I hadn't seen that either. I don't know any man who has never looked at porn pictures. I don't know if it's a natural urge that is ascerbated by cultural pressure (which I suspect) or just a plain old natural urge, but it happens. I actually think if women lived under similar cultural pressure to be excited by looking at some male porn star they would be doing the same, and I'm certain some women do. Visual stimulation is nothing bad at all, but part of everyday life.

OP, talk this through with your man, but be prepared to talk about sexuality and bodies while you do so; if you don't feel up to that wait until you do. It's impossible to talk about porn and hard feelings otherwise...

[Welshcookie 17]

WOW....I saw this thread start last night but was way to tired to respond.....but I am awake now so will put forth my own view

Firstly, Cangal, I do understand your are upset and feel hurt about this situation....and I certainly wouldn't sit here and tell you you are wrong to feel the way you do....sometimes we can't help how we feel or explain why we feel the way we do (although you have done pretty well in getting it across... )

I can only post my experience and can't tell you how to deal with yours cos its your relationship, but I do hope from reading all the diverse opinions on here that it will give you an oportunity to look at it in different ways.

My fiance has a huge collection of porn. He also watches internet porn. I can't explain why I don't have a problem with him watching porn. It certainly doesn't interfere with our time together...I pretty much know when he is watching , usually in the first 2 hours when he comes home from work, he is upstairs in the office 'killing aliens' and looking at pics I regard it as his unwinding time...he has a stressful job and if thats what he does to relax it is fine with me.

I know his like of porn HAS been a problem in past relationships. It became a secretative pastime then, in fact now he doesn't use porn half as much as he did back then because I have actually made it less 'thrilling' by the fact he doesn't have to sneak around or hide it.....yes, men really can behave like 'naughty boys'

Of course there are boundaries.....The door must always be closed so my son doesn't happen to see images, no live web cam action and it must not infringe on our life in anyway....if those boundaries were not adhered to, then yes they would have to be addressed.

Anyway....I hope you can sort this out in manner that is good for both of you....

Do I like porn? I am not keen on watching it but I do enjoy reading it, I don't feel comfortable buying it so he buys it for me..

[djcess 0]

How bout please your husband instead? Instead of him having to look at those sexy bikinis on other women or porn, why not give him a show? I'm not being rude, but MAYBE he's not getting it at home? Just my opinion. As for my fiance, it doesn't bother me if he's watching those stuff as long as he's just watching (well of course, we're long distance right now so that's better than cheating with other women you know) as long as it's NOT those singles chats online/ stuff like that that he has to pay or sluts giving him a show on the webcam! my god i could chop off his D%(K!!

[Welshcookie 17]

How bout please your husband instead? Instead of him having to look at those sexy bikinis on other women or porn, why not give him a show? I'm not being rude, but MAYBE he's not getting it at home?

With respect.....most men who like porn will say it has NOTHING to do with something lacking in their lifes, it isn't about 'not getting any at home' IMO

[*Robert* 2]

I´ll make a post just to say WOW! I love her bikini! So pretty! You do have to very tanned to look good in a white bikini.

I'll take door #2 please!!!

In all seriousness... I've been thinking about this for a while, and it definitely comes down to this. The line is drawn, and it lies between the ultra conservative religious right, and the not so religious. For those of you that have had it drilled into you that sex and masturbation is bad, that looking at the opposite sex and fantasizing about them is a sin... it's all brainwashing, and that makes everything worse than what it actual is. For Pete’s sake... looking at another man or woman, naked or not, on the Internet or in person, and having sexual thoughts... DOES NOT CONSTITUE INFIDELITY!!! If you want to break up a relationship... do it over something substantial... not something like looking at other people’s bodies!

Would it be any better if he were looking at men in Speedos?!!! What would you rather have? Looking harmlessly, or having a full blown affair?!! To say that just looking at porn, or looking at other people leads to actual adultery is ABSURD!!! That's more of the outdated old-fashioned misinformed religious right wing teachings that too many people have been brainwashed with. I'm convinced that if there were no religions, and the world was only based on science and facts... we wouldn't have all the fighting and wars and problems that we do today. If you really want to understand everything that is going on... take a course in the psychology of human sexual behavior. Then you can cast off all the disinformation you were taught through unrealistic religious teachings.

Men are men women are women. We are different both physically and mentally. We are, as it has been said, "wired differently." Those are the facts they will never change. Either you learn to deal with these differences, or you learn to live alone. "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" is yet another perfect example.

Okay, now all you right wing fundamentalists can flame away!