Am I Overreacting??

[desert_fox 32]

I guess I can't make peace with it because alot of women i know besides me don't like it either and yet we feel so powerless against it because we feel like its the male nature but its like us saying we have PMS and can't control it, thats a crock. Ya it's there but it doesn't mean you can't do anything about it. Yes I have talked to him about it before, I found out before we got married. He would say he was sorry and didn't want to hurt me but then I found he tried to get sneakier about it and he avoids it if I bring it up and won't takl to me unless I go to him. It's just frustrating. It hurts. I wish I knew how to educate a man on what that stuff does to majority of women, even the women involved in it. *Shrug*

I guess I would say "why are you checking up on what he is doing??" That just indicates some kind of insecurity. I dont go looking for the stuff, but if someone sends it to me...I just laugh.

I still turn my head when I see a pretty woman. What am I supposed to do....look the other way???

I think you should be glad that he is not looking at men for example....that is something that you could do.

But....in my male opinion...no big deal!!! just be glad that he still has an interest and he is only looking.

[Traviesa 0]

I understand your feelings. I feel the same way. Just try to keep in mind, that although similar, your husband's belief system is probably not exactly the same as yours. What you think he must be thinking very well may not be what he is thinking. By the way, like any other type of habit, it's not that he "needs" to look, unless he's addicted. It's just something he enjoys, and unless it's taking away from your intimacy, it's probably not an obsession.

[pax 0]

I think it's different if a couple agrees, together, that it's an okay thing for one or both parties to explore. But for your husband to take the tack that you just need to suck it up...well, it would make me uncomfortable.

[mercuryroad 0]

I would have to say that the sooner you can make peace with the fact that a lot of men like to look at that stuff, the better.

I have to disagree. Plenty of men don't like to look at that stuff. And this is not just her problem.

I think that defies a heterosexual man's natural instinct. We are wired by nature to be attracted to women. Our hormones go crazy from our natural need to procreate. If there is a hot woman in a skantily clad bikini, we almost have to look. Nearly exposed breasts and nice rear ends are like eye magnets to us. I don't think looking is a mortal sin or a sign of disinterest in you.

That being said, you are justified in stating your discomfort. The trick is to find a happy balance and come to some compromise. He probably sees nothing wrong with it and that you are being insecure and blowing things out of proportion.

You can't always expect to enforce your will on someone else, but he should meet you half way somehow. If he does this every once and awhile, I think it is pretty harmless. If it is pretty frequent and right in your face after you've had the conversations, I would have a problem.

I know you said ladies only, but I'm just throwing that one out there.

[pax 0]

By the way, like any other type of habit, it's not that he "needs" to look, unless he's addicted. It's just something he enjoys, and unless it's taking away from your intimacy, it's probably not an obsession.

Well, obviously it's interfering with their intimacy.

[Traviesa 0]

I think it's different if a couple agrees, together, that it's an okay thing for one or both parties to explore. But for your husband to take the tack that you just need to suck it up...well, it would make me uncomfortable.

That is the ideal situation. In reality though not all situations are going to work out that way. That's where the give and take working part of a relationship comes into play.

[CanGal 1]

I know i can choose to just go with it and not obsess but it is a big deal to me and when we've talked about it before and yet he still doesn't try to understand, thats what bugs me. I feel like I'd be betraying myself on some level if I let it go, like my own self respect, and dignity because in my mind the actions are not an option. Yes he could be doing a lot worse but this is how a lot worse starts on many levels. If I just go with it I know that I may resent him later on and on some level after he's done doing those kinds of things then comes wanting on me, It makes me feel used and dirty and I know that I would really start resenting him for it.

[Traviesa 0]

By the way, like any other type of habit, it's not that he "needs" to look, unless he's addicted. It's just something he enjoys, and unless it's taking away from your intimacy, it's probably not an obsession.

Well, obviously it's interfering with their intimacy.

Her feelings to him, yes. But I was referring to HIS sexual desire for her. When it's a porn addiction, normally that will suffer.

If you really feel that strongly about it, I would suggest sitting him down and saying look, this is a make or break for me. I need to know where I stand. Let him take it from there.

[Mand 1]

I dunno MissLiss, it sounds like you're saying "Make do with what you have and don't rock the boat". This thinking will lead to major issues down the road and they need to come to a healthy solution for both parties and not an unsatisfactory status-quo compromise.

[Traviesa 0]

I dunno MissLiss, it sounds like you're saying "Make do with what you have and don't rock the boat". This thinking will lead to major issues down the road and they need to come to a healthy solution for both parties and not an unsatisfactory status-quo compromise.

That's not what I'm saying at all. She has already expressed her feelings about the subject to him, in essence rocking the boat. Obviously, that hasn't worked. She's at the point right now where she's going to have to decide, is it worth sticking around even if I were to know he will never change? Can I deal with that? And do your best to be at peace with it. Or if you simply can't, either leave the relationship or allow the relationship to deteriorate with her bitterness.

[CanGal 1]

I just want to make it clear too that I wasn't "checking up on him". I started getting pop ups asking do I want more slide shows etc. I didn't know where they were coming from, so i had to try and get rid of them. Thats when I came across it.

[gimygirl 0]

this issue of internet porn is extremely delicate. i know that there are women here the would disagree with me but .... every man has looked and may currently be looking.

men are visually stimulated and this provides them a little 'kick'. the majority of the time it remains completely innocent but some men do experience 'sensory saturation'. this is when the same material does not provide the same 'kick' any more and they need to turn up the notch ... maybe from photos to movies to hard core etc ...

intellectually, we all know that this is normal for a man to fantasize about other women ... this is natural, even in a healthy relationship. what a woman has a hard time differentiating is the fact that this is not about her. of course your husband loves you and adores you and only wants to be with you ... but he likes to look also.

the fact that you 'caught' your husband ... makes him embarrassed and probably brings him back to the age of 12 or 13 when he first started masturbating or having wetdreams.

many americans come from the culture were it's acceptable to be embarrassed about sexual acts and to keep nudity to an extreme minimum and discussion is almost nil.

you will need to sit down and discuss this with you husband ONLY when you have come to grips with exactly how you feel and when you realize that this has nothing to do with you, your looks, or your relationship with your husband. you should ask him about his fantasies and the frequency in which he looks at porn.

this can be an addiction for some men and possibly some woman. i hope that you are both able to talk about this with each other open and honestly without anyone being ashamed!!

pm if you ever need to chat about it!

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

well.... nevermind

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

I look at soft and hard porn online. Almost always when I am very very bored. Like before my wife wakes up, if I happen to have woken up before her. Her complaint usually isn't why am I watching porn, her complaint usually is if I'm so bored why don't I do any chores? THAT is the real issue around my house, not porn

CanGal but yeah if it really bothers you THAT much, your husband shouldnt do it. We do lots of things for our women and porn is a pretty minor thing to give up.

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

You put it better than I could -- I just don't believe in wasting relationship capital over something like this. I know a lot of women get upset over it, but usually it's not about them and they think it is.