Mother Feels Awkward Being Friends With-Stay-At-Home Dad

[Ban Hammer 13,346]

If i caught my wife hanging around some dude i confront him then give him a warning to stay away.

I'm just surprised you wouldn't wave your gigantic (as you would have us all believe) dong at him to scare him away.

[Sister Fracas 5]

If i caught my wife hanging around some dude i confront him then give him a warning to stay away.

I'm just surprised you wouldn't wave your gigantic (as you would have us all believe) dong at him to scare him away.

[Fandango 1,439]

With respect, that's not what I asked. It's possible - indeed, seems highly likely - that you don't know any SAHDs that aren't losers. That doesn't make all SAHDs losers, of course.

I only told that story to give insight as to what's forming my opinion. I'm sure not every SAHD is a loser, and of course my initial controversial statement was indeed a sweeping generality. However, I have met no one who proves it wrong.

[eric&gen 0]

If i caught my wife hanging around some dude i confront him then give him a warning to stay away.

I'm just surprised you wouldn't wave your gigantic (as you would have us all believe) dong at him to scare him away.

I would #### slap the SOB with my horse size wiener.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

With respect, that's not what I asked. It's possible - indeed, seems highly likely - that you don't know any SAHDs that aren't losers. That doesn't make all SAHDs losers, of course.

I only told that story to give insight as to what's forming my opinion. I'm sure not every SAHD is a loser, and of course my initial controversial statement was indeed a sweeping generality. However, I have met no one who proves it wrong.

What's the purpose in forming any definitive opinion about SAHD's? There's nothing wrong with not making a generalized judgment about their choice, especially since couples make that choice together.

[derekkj 0]

I only told that story to give insight as to what's forming my opinion. I'm sure not every SAHD is a loser, and of course my initial controversial statement was indeed a sweeping generality. However, I have met no one who proves it wrong.

The SAHD's you describe certainly sound like losers. Fortunately the 2 that I know are the complete opposite. In both cases they simply are the best parent and absolutely love being home with their kids. It was a choice that they made with their wives not because they had to but because they wanted to.

[Caladan 19]

Ahhh... All those things you stated would be obvious feelings! You are furthering my case.

The woman could have been raised to think that any time alone with a man was an occasion of sin. She could be worried that the neighbors are gossiping. She perhaps has never had a male friend. Lots of explanations besides obvious feelings.

No, I'm disagreeing with you. You were agreeing with someone who was talking about romantic feelings. People can feel awkward without wanting to screw.

[Fandango 1,439]

With respect, that's not what I asked. It's possible - indeed, seems highly likely - that you don't know any SAHDs that aren't losers. That doesn't make all SAHDs losers, of course.

I only told that story to give insight as to what's forming my opinion. I'm sure not every SAHD is a loser, and of course my initial controversial statement was indeed a sweeping generality. However, I have met no one who proves it wrong.

What's the purpose in forming any definitive opinion about SAHD's? There's nothing wrong with not making a generalized judgment about their choice, especially since couples make that choice together.

It's called an opinion, Steven....people make them everyday. It's funny that the word 'judgmental' has become so bad, but at the end of the day, we all form opinions every single day. I would hate to meet a person who had no opinion on anything, or who lived a lifetime and didn't use those experiences to form at least the most preliminary of opinions.

[Caladan 19]

I've met a few SAHDs & every one of them has been a loser riding on the coattails of his wife. TO ME, I couldn't respect a man that couldn't earn enough to support his family. There's no way that I would get pregnant, give birth, then go back to work and miss out on the honor of bonding with my child. I somewhat believe in traditional societal roles, obviously.

I cannot fathom putting a 'dream career' before your own child, but maybe that's just me.

You're willing to accept that not all SAHDs are losers, yes? And that it's possible that the mother can earn more than the father? Unfortunately, it's necessary in some families that finances have to take preference, obviously. This may mean that both spouses have to work, or that the lower-earning spouse looks after the kid(s). I'm surprised, honestly, that you seem to be saying that respect is, in part, due to financial worth.

Every one of them that I have met has been. And the mothers that have been at work have only done so because they cannot afford to not do so. It's disheartening to me to see some of my friends not be able to relish in the joys of parenthood and mother-child bonding because the husband is not able to make enough to support the fam.

I have a friend whose husband's company was downsized. After being let go, he 'took time off' because he's 'always worked his whole life' and didn't look for a job for about 2 years. Fast forward to her getting pregnant, she's working as a hairdresser 8 mos pregnant for 12 hours a day and even after the baby was born (I think she was back to work within a week). So what's she supposed to do? That's right, get back to work. The father became the SAHD not by choice, but out of necessity, and she was devastated because of it.

I feel bad for friends who are told that they're bad mothers because they found that they enjoyed both working and being a mother, and that they found staying at home with the baby to be profoundly isolating and depressing. It made sense for her to return to a flexible career. I feel bad for friends who are told they're not as intelligent or hardworking because they did stay at home. Or guys that are told they're not responsible fathers because if they were they'd be ignoring the kid and working 90 hours a week like a real man. Couples have to do what keeps them fed and sane. I don't find the sweeping generalizations to be helpful.

And you never know. Hopefully your life turns out the way you like, but you're marrying an immigrant who may struggle finding work here, which might make it impossible for you to quit your job to have kids. That wouldn't make you a bad mom, or D. a bad provider.

[Fandango 1,439]

I only told that story to give insight as to what's forming my opinion. I'm sure not every SAHD is a loser, and of course my initial controversial statement was indeed a sweeping generality. However, I have met no one who proves it wrong.

The SAHD's you describe certainly sound like losers. Fortunately the 2 that I know are the complete opposite. In both cases they simply are the best parent and absolutely love being home with their kids. It was a choice that they made with their wives not because they had to but because they wanted to.

Perhaps if I had met one of them, my opinion would be much different than it is right now!

However, for me, the most important job I could ever hope to have is that of 'mother'...and I don't care what D has to do, but I will not trade being a SAHM for anything in this world.

[Fandango 1,439]

I've met a few SAHDs & every one of them has been a loser riding on the coattails of his wife. TO ME, I couldn't respect a man that couldn't earn enough to support his family. There's no way that I would get pregnant, give birth, then go back to work and miss out on the honor of bonding with my child. I somewhat believe in traditional societal roles, obviously.

I cannot fathom putting a 'dream career' before your own child, but maybe that's just me.

You're willing to accept that not all SAHDs are losers, yes? And that it's possible that the mother can earn more than the father? Unfortunately, it's necessary in some families that finances have to take preference, obviously. This may mean that both spouses have to work, or that the lower-earning spouse looks after the kid(s). I'm surprised, honestly, that you seem to be saying that respect is, in part, due to financial worth.

Every one of them that I have met has been. And the mothers that have been at work have only done so because they cannot afford to not do so. It's disheartening to me to see some of my friends not be able to relish in the joys of parenthood and mother-child bonding because the husband is not able to make enough to support the fam.

I have a friend whose husband's company was downsized. After being let go, he 'took time off' because he's 'always worked his whole life' and didn't look for a job for about 2 years. Fast forward to her getting pregnant, she's working as a hairdresser 8 mos pregnant for 12 hours a day and even after the baby was born (I think she was back to work within a week). So what's she supposed to do? That's right, get back to work. The father became the SAHD not by choice, but out of necessity, and she was devastated because of it.

I feel bad for friends who are told that they're bad mothers because they found that they enjoyed both working and being a mother, and that they found staying at home with the baby to be profoundly isolating and depressing. It made sense for her to return to a flexible career. I feel bad for friends who are told they're not as intelligent or hardworking because they did stay at home. Or guys that are told they're not responsible fathers because if they were they'd be ignoring the kid and working 90 hours a week like a real man. Couples have to do what keeps them fed and sane. I don't find the sweeping generalizations to be helpful.

And you never know. Hopefully your life turns out the way you like, but you're marrying an immigrant who may struggle finding work here, which might make it impossible for you to quit your job to have kids. That wouldn't make you a bad mom, or D. a bad provider.

I never broached any of those scenarios, and I think it's clear in what context I was referring.

D and I will not have children until we're settled. This is why we've worked so hard the past few years in preparation for this next step of our lives...

[derekkj 0]

Perhaps if I had met one of them, my opinion would be much different than it is right now!

However, for me, the most important job I could ever hope to have is that of 'mother'...and I don't care what D has to do, but I will not trade being a SAHM for anything in this world.

Yeah, they are both really good guys both as husbands and fathers. It really irritates me that many families nowadays have to have 2 salaries just to survive and therefore have to resort to some sort of child care. In the best of worlds I think that one parent should be able to stay at home and raise the kids, be it the father or the mother.

[Caladan 19]

In context you were making a gross generalization about SAHDs and women who worked outside the home (putting their careers ahead of their children, so unfathomable.) It's hard to know what scenarios you envisioned when you make such a generalization. And it's also hard to know what situation the couple you find so unfathomable is actually living.

[sereia 0]

i know a SAHD and not only does he do nothing, his children are in daycare while he lies on the couch all day! and his wife works all day, cooks, cleans, and plays with the kids when she picks them up from daycare. who knows why they are still married. i can't fathom putting up with that in my life. ever.

Edited December 7, 2007 by sereia

[Fandango 1,439]

In context you were making a gross generalization about SAHDs and women who worked outside the home (putting their careers ahead of their children, so unfathomable.) It's hard to know what scenarios you envisioned when you make such a generalization. And it's also hard to know what situation the couple you find so unfathomable is actually living.

Caladan, I've already admitted that my thinking is in double standards, and old tradition and that it was a sweeping genralization and controversial. I've also explained in what context I was referring to SAHDs and how I feel it would relate to my own situation. I also said that if I had seen better SAHDs than the ones I have, perhaps my opinion would be different (as it applies to the outside world). Yes, I said I cannot fathom putting a 'dream career' before a child, yes I did. That's the truth....I can't. I'm not saying people are horrible for doing so....I said 'that's just me'. (for ex: I came home from the UK because I didn't want to live a life without my family close. That's just me as well. That doesn't mean I think every person who doesn't live close to his/her fam is a POS or bad person.)

If it makes you feel better, I'll reword it and say that the SAHDs that I've met are total losers. And being a SAHD is not acceptable in my life. Thankfully, D & I both agree!

I'm sorry you may not like my opinion, but it's how I feel & I feel comfortable with it as it applies to my own life.

edited cos it posted twice!

Edited December 7, 2007 by LisaD