Mother Feels Awkward Being Friends With-Stay-At-Home Dad

[StoryAngel 4]

Even though both of us are happily married, sometimes we feel awkward spending time together. Our spouses are not thrilled about us hanging out together, but they haven't forbidden it because they trust us to be faithful.

Is it appropriate for a man and a woman to spend time together while their spouses are at work? -- AT HOME WITH ANOTHER WOMAN'S HUSBAND

No, there's awkwardness because of the assumption that if a man and a woman are alone together, they're going to slip and accidentally have sex much like one might accidentally slip on the stairs. There's plenty of people who manage to hang around people of the opposite sex without accidentally poinking them, and while you're free to run your relationship however you like, please avoid insinuating the rest of us are playing with fire and not valuing our spouses!

I am not insinuating that everyone else is playing with fire, nor that other people don't value their spouses, nor that opposite-sex friendships automatically involve sex... but as several others have suggested in this thread, if there wasn't a problem in this situation then the OP wouldn't have posted in the first place.

It still doesn't make sense to me. It's not like candy....I won't eat it if it's not there. The bond should be so strong with a spouse that a member of the opposite sex shouldn't be able to threaten it...shouldn't even be able to come close.

Yes, the bond should indeed be strong. But emotions and feelings can get mixed up sometimes. The fact that the respective spouses "are not thrilled" suggests that this is a situation better avoided, which then removes any awkwardness.

[Sister Fracas 5]

I've met a few SAHDs & every one of them has been a loser riding on the coattails of his wife. TO ME, I couldn't respect a man that couldn't earn enough to support his family. There's no way that I would get pregnant, give birth, then go back to work and miss out on the honor of bonding with my child. I somewhat believe in traditional societal roles, obviously.

I cannot fathom putting a 'dream career' before your own child, but maybe that's just me.

I'd have a lot of respect for a man who wanted to be his child's caregiver....and not just a part time babysitter.

By saying he couldn't earn enough to support his family, are you saying that women who stay home with their children are doing the same? Isn't it a double standard?

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

We've agreed before! But it's nice to see we do again.

YAY Kazan... we agree on THIS one! LOL

[Jenn! 918]

The thing that always confuses me about the "men and women can never be friends" debate is that it assumes that you find everyone of the opposite sex so appealling that you are compelled to bonk them

Some of my male friends are good looking, some are not but I certainly don't want to bonk any of them.

And likewise, that you are just so damn irresistable that you just can't be friends with anyone of the opposite sex because they won't be able to keep their hands off of you.

I've met a few SAHDs & every one of them has been a loser riding on the coattails of his wife. TO ME, I couldn't respect a man that couldn't earn enough to support his family. There's no way that I would get pregnant, give birth, then go back to work and miss out on the honor of bonding with my child. I somewhat believe in traditional societal roles, obviously.

I cannot fathom putting a 'dream career' before your own child, but maybe that's just me.

I'd have a lot of respect for a man who wanted to be his child's caregiver....and not just a part time babysitter.

By saying he couldn't earn enough to support his family, are you saying that women who stay home with their children are doing the same? Isn't it a double standard?

Traditional societal gender roles and double standards go hand in hand.

[Fandango 1,439]

I've met a few SAHDs & every one of them has been a loser riding on the coattails of his wife. TO ME, I couldn't respect a man that couldn't earn enough to support his family. There's no way that I would get pregnant, give birth, then go back to work and miss out on the honor of bonding with my child. I somewhat believe in traditional societal roles, obviously.

I cannot fathom putting a 'dream career' before your own child, but maybe that's just me.

I'd have a lot of respect for a man who wanted to be his child's caregiver....and not just a part time babysitter.

By saying he couldn't earn enough to support his family, are you saying that women who stay home with their children are doing the same? Isn't it a double standard?

No no, not at all...but I obviously think that the man has his role of primary breadwinner.

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

Ahhh... All those things you stated would be obvious feelings! You are furthering my case.

The woman could have been raised to think that any time alone with a man was an occasion of sin. She could be worried that the neighbors are gossiping. She perhaps has never had a male friend. Lots of explanations besides obvious feelings.

[SteveLaura 0]

I've met a few SAHDs & every one of them has been a loser riding on the coattails of his wife. TO ME, I couldn't respect a man that couldn't earn enough to support his family. There's no way that I would get pregnant, give birth, then go back to work and miss out on the honor of bonding with my child. I somewhat believe in traditional societal roles, obviously.

I cannot fathom putting a 'dream career' before your own child, but maybe that's just me.

You're willing to accept that not all SAHDs are losers, yes? And that it's possible that the mother can earn more than the father? Unfortunately, it's necessary in some families that finances have to take preference, obviously. This may mean that both spouses have to work, or that the lower-earning spouse looks after the kid(s). I'm surprised, honestly, that you seem to be saying that respect is, in part, due to financial worth.

[Fandango 1,439]

Traditional societal gender roles and double standards go hand in hand.

I'm sure it is a bit of a double standard, but it's how I feel.

[Sister Fracas 5]

It still doesn't make sense to me. It's not like candy....I won't eat it if it's not there. The bond should be so strong with a spouse that a member of the opposite sex shouldn't be able to threaten it...shouldn't even be able to come close.

Yes, the bond should indeed be strong. But emotions and feelings can get mixed up sometimes. The fact that the respective spouses "are not thrilled" suggests that this is a situation better avoided, which then removes any awkwardness.

To me it says their spouses don't trust them.... shouldn't that be right at the top of the list in a relationship? OR, it says they are lacking some self confidence that they feel can't keep their spouse's feelings/emotions where they ought to be. That shouldn't be the fault of the spouse, should it?

Edited December 7, 2007 by Sister Fracas

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

I actually don't trust people who assert that "men and women can't be friends" - it almost suggests that they themselves have no self control and view every member of the opposite sex as some kind of sexual conquest.

[eric&gen 0]

If i caught my wife hanging around some dude i confront him then give him a warning to stay away.

[Fandango 1,439]

I've met a few SAHDs & every one of them has been a loser riding on the coattails of his wife. TO ME, I couldn't respect a man that couldn't earn enough to support his family. There's no way that I would get pregnant, give birth, then go back to work and miss out on the honor of bonding with my child. I somewhat believe in traditional societal roles, obviously.

I cannot fathom putting a 'dream career' before your own child, but maybe that's just me.

You're willing to accept that not all SAHDs are losers, yes? And that it's possible that the mother can earn more than the father? Unfortunately, it's necessary in some families that finances have to take preference, obviously. This may mean that both spouses have to work, or that the lower-earning spouse looks after the kid(s). I'm surprised, honestly, that you seem to be saying that respect is, in part, due to financial worth.

Every one of them that I have met has been. And the mothers that have been at work have only done so because they cannot afford to not do so. It's disheartening to me to see some of my friends not be able to relish in the joys of parenthood and mother-child bonding because the husband is not able to make enough to support the fam.

I have a friend whose husband's company was downsized. After being let go, he 'took time off' because he's 'always worked his whole life' and didn't look for a job for about 2 years. Fast forward to her getting pregnant, she's working as a hairdresser 8 mos pregnant for 12 hours a day and even after the baby was born (I think she was back to work within a week). So what's she supposed to do? That's right, get back to work. The father became the SAHD not by choice, but out of necessity, and she was devastated because of it.

Edited December 7, 2007 by LisaD

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

If i caught my wife hanging around some dude i confront him then give him a warning to stay away.

I'm just surprised you wouldn't wave your gigantic (as you would have us all believe) dong at him to scare him away.

I have a friend whose husband's company was downsized. After being let go, he 'took time off' because he's 'always worked his whole life' and didn't look for a job for about 2 years.

I know guys who did that. What a bunch of losers.

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

I agree, 100%!

I actually don't trust people who assert that "men and women can't be friends" - it almost suggests that they themselves have no self control and view every member of the opposite sex as some kind of sexual conquest.

[SteveLaura 0]

I've met a few SAHDs & every one of them has been a loser riding on the coattails of his wife. TO ME, I couldn't respect a man that couldn't earn enough to support his family. There's no way that I would get pregnant, give birth, then go back to work and miss out on the honor of bonding with my child. I somewhat believe in traditional societal roles, obviously.

I cannot fathom putting a 'dream career' before your own child, but maybe that's just me.

You're willing to accept that not all SAHDs are losers, yes? And that it's possible that the mother can earn more than the father? Unfortunately, it's necessary in some families that finances have to take preference, obviously. This may mean that both spouses have to work, or that the lower-earning spouse looks after the kid(s). I'm surprised, honestly, that you seem to be saying that respect is, in part, due to financial worth.

Every one of them that I have met has been. And the mothers that have been at work have only done so because they cannot afford to not do so. It's disheartening to me to see some of my friends not be able to relish in the joys of parenthood and mother-child bonding because the husband is not able to make enough to support the fam.

I have a friend whose husband's company was downsized. After being let go, he 'took time off' because he's 'always worked his whole life' and didn't look for a job for about 2 years. Fast forward to her getting pregnant, she's working as a hairdresser 8 mos pregnant for 12 hours a day and even after the baby was born (I think she was back to work within a week). So what's she supposed to do? That's right, get back to work. The father became the SAHD not by choice, but out of necessity, and she was devastated because of it.

With respect, that's not what I asked. It's possible - indeed, seems highly likely - that you don't know any SAHDs that aren't losers. That doesn't make all SAHDs losers, of course.