How long the adjusting period was?

[Ovaltine Jenkins 5]

That's so good! So you have a job yet? Did you get the EAD stamp or? What do you do all day?

Nope I don´t have a job yet since I didn´t get the EAD stamp but I already applied for it and it looks like the waiting period for that is about 60 days or so which doesn´t sound too bad. It´s gonna be interesting looking for a job once I get EAD

I even like ironing

I like the dryers better than ironing The stuff is nice, fluffy and warm

Hahaha I was only thinking about how we were going to dish up the chores when I move over... I think we are going to have to invest in a dishwasher though - we bother prefer drying

Hehe I don´t do drying usually...I just let it drip

[Ovaltine Jenkins 5]

I've been here in the US for 10 months now and I would say I have been adjusting pretty well except for some few things like I have to learn to drive and maybe reality would start to sink in once I start working. My first week was really fun cause I had to learn to do the diswasher, washing machine/dryer( it was pretty easy though) but I miss my mom's cooking. Both me and my husband were single before we met, so he was used to not keeping his things up and I'm a very organize person...but everything went smooth so far and he's adapting the way I run things in the house.

Good luck with the driving

It´s like I read on some other thread...the guy was giving advice on what to do prior to your wife´s/fiancé´s arrival...he suggested not to do anything cuz she will change things how she wants them and reorganize everything anyway

[Ovaltine Jenkins 5]

well, the plan was that I would be a stay at home mommy but that didn't work out so well...

right now I am in the middle of searching for a job... I have one possibly lined up I am just waiting to hear from them...

Sorry to hear about that...hopefully it will still work out

Good luck with the job search I am sure it will chear you up when you get to hang around other people It´s amazing what joy can people bring to other people´s lives

[Ovaltine Jenkins 5]

Settling in to living with J wasn't hard at all, which surprised me because I like my alone time and I wasn't sure how having someone else around all the time would be like. But we do well together.

It took me a long time to get used to living here. I like it better now (except for the summers, which are ungodly hot) but I don't think I will ever consider this my home 100%, and that's ok.

Texas summers? It´s great that you settled in fine Why do you think you won´t consider it your home 100%? I guess I am too flexible or too adaptable or something...I don´t know about USA but the place where we live together, even the city feels like home already...I don´t consider USA to be home yet though.. That´s too soon for that. But maybe that will come with time...I would assume that when I actually give something to the country - from me - doesn´t necessesarily have to mean the tax money, then I can start feeling more like it´s also home

[Ovaltine Jenkins 5]

I originally had a problem with the way people in the US refer to a third person as 'him' or 'her' when they are in the room. When I was first referred to as 'she' by a friend of my husband's ("did she go sign up for her driver's license yet?") I was so incredibly offended. We have this saying in the UK which I am reminded of every time I hear that going on, "who's she, the cat's mother??".. funny.

Like someone who posted earlier, I found it odd to say 'uh huh' after someone thanks me, instead of 'you're welcome' or 'my pleasure'... but I've started doing it now. I also found it odd to say excuse me to ask someone to excuse me for walking in front of them. In England I'd only use 'excuse me' to ask someone to get out of my way.

Hehe well it didn´t happen to me in this way, but once it happened that I was actually asking something a person (a clerk) and there was Scott standing there with me and the clerk actually started answering and talking to Scott instead of to me and although I originally asked the question he started reffering to me as "she has to do this or she has to do that" or something like that. I considered that pretty rude but didn´t bother commenting on it...was just glad the thing got solved

Then some other time I used this "she" word while talking about a person in the room and they noticed it too...so I guess it´s not that it´s common here. Maybe it just happens sometimes that a person says it like that unintentionally Or maybe it varies state by state The cat´s mother Pretty funny

Now don´t learn the rude manners here lady Stick to your polite ways, I am sure someone nice will appreciate them

[Ovaltine Jenkins 5]

What do you do all day?

Rub my neck of course Don´t want it to get stiff or something

Actually you really won´t find me wondering about what I should be doing too often. I have so much stuff in my head that I want to do that a day isn´t long enough for that. It´s not just work around the house or outside of the house. It´s different activities, I have a lot of hobbies, I like helping people when they need something. But when my Mom asks me what I keep doing all the time I say I dunno, I am always doing something It´s like I do things and don´t keep track of them. So then I have to sit down and think about what I actually did the whole time so I can actually tell her something

[Crisscat 0]

As the USC I really wanted to make my new hubby (3 yrs married now) feel welcome and at home here. I had to admit we had a really difficult time with him adjusting from his English culture to being around the American culture. I would always ask him if there was something I could do to help him make this transition but would often get told there was nothing I could do.

This left me depressed and sad at times that I could not offer my new husband some form of relief or adjustment help. Looking back at those early days of our marriage I saw myself many times wondering if I had made a grave mistake. I just couldnt understand the hardship he was having adjusting to the USA. I really felt I was putting forth an effort to help him adjust by making English dishes (when possible) and doing things he liked to do in England. I even tried to get him to make friends and go out and have fun.........all to no avail..........I think he was depressed and I was depressed as well. What really made matters worse is I gave birth to our daughter and I think I was experiencing postpartum depression on top of everything else.

I think one area of adjustment issues with him was the fact that I had 3 children from a previous marriage and we had one child of our own. He had no children in England other than being around his niece and nephew. He saw them as perfect with doing no wrong and never misbehaving......my children he viewed as rugrats with no real dicipline behind them. So began the battle of parenthood.......his idea of correcting the children and mine. Then he went through a stage where he thought I was letting him do to much of the disciplining......which confused me a bit because I was under the impression that was what he was wanting to do.....lol.

Anyway, looking back and comparing now verses then Id have to say we had alot going on when we got married. We had the stress of INS paperwork, a wedding, instant parenthood for him when he wasnt used to being around children, then I had a baby from him, him not having a job and not really wanting one at first I dont think lol.

It was just too much to quick for him I think. He went from a quite home to a chaotic home full of children, dogs and a cat. I think it was a huge adjustment for him and myself. We have come a long way now (3 yrs later) although we do still hit bumps in the road with what I like to call "culture clashes" and his temper lol.

I try to put myself in his position and wonder how I would feel if I left my only country of origin to move to a new place. I wonder if I would like it

or end up despising it.........its hard to say I think.......I LOVE England and enjoyed many aspects of it and I would love to move there someday but Im sure Id miss being here just as my husband misses his home country.

I think its a difficult adjustment for anyone to go through whether coming to the US or a USC going abroad.

Sharri

[Mononoke28 135]

Sharri,

I think you hit a major point and it's that the change not only affects the person immigrating to the US but the USC as well. I know it did affect me in more ways than I thought possible and no matter how much I wanted to fix things or make them better, it was of no use. It's a process that needs a lot of patience and a lot of understanding to go through.

Diana

[BabyBlueSusie 1]

I am comfortable here now and there are so many things I would miss if I left NYC -like really good Indian food.

mmm Chola on 58th street between 2nd and 3rd in manhattan...if you haven't gone, you must try the lunch buffet!!!

[BabyBlueSusie 1]

my fiance has been here for just over two weeks. needless to say, there is still A LOT of adjusting that needs to happen. the hardest thing so far is the language. if he spoke english i think things would be a lot easier for him (ie: finding a job, being able to find his way around). he is beginning english classes on monday though, and i am very excited for him. i am glad that we live in nyc because i think that makes the transition a bit easier than living out in the sticks where there are no immigrants and no other albanians. we will be moving in a few months to indiana, and that is when i think it will get even harder for him. we went to an albanian party on friday night, and i made it very clear to him that these sorts of things will NOT be happening in indiana lol. living there will be an adjustment for me too though.

its very hard to explain to someone that we do not use the same unit of measure as everyone else. the other day we were in the car and he asked me why my sister doesnt drive faster, he was like 'shes only going 40?!?!' he looked at the speedometer and thought that she was going 40 km/hr, and i had to try to explain to him that she was really going like 80 km/hr because of the whole 'miles' thing. i still dont think he understands. nevermind gallons and what not.

[abby1 0]

Hello,

Have been reading this thread through.....so nice to hear that difficulties in the transition are a common (and expected) thing.

I'm posting under a new profile, just to protect my hubby's feelings and keep it anonymous. But, I need some help! Maybe some VJer's who've been through this can help me believe that things will get better?!

I'm the USC; my husband is Eastern European, and came here for the 1st time ever just 5 months ago; and we are hitting the interpersonal cultural shock really hard lately. I knew it would be hard; but I didn't know HOW hard. My main problem is that I'm working/providing for us (he just got the EAD and a menial job); taking 100% care of our home/housework/bills; and also trying to cope with his adjustments--it's like having a child, instead of a partner sometimes! I'm overwhelmed and tired and have a hard time being gracious when he insists on his opinions being always right. Does anyone else feel this way???

Another problem we have is social embarrassment. How do I deal with this? I am proud of my hubby and his tremendous efforts with his English; however, he has NOT picked up on appropriate social cues yet......he brings up controversial subjects and argues them to the death with my friends/family; he states his opinions/beliefs too strongly; and sometimes monopolizes conversations with people by talking (slowly) for extended time periods without allowing them to say anything.

He already faces discouragement and adjustment in EVERY area of his new life here; so I don't want to beat him down or constantly criticize him. But I also want to help him fit in a bit better and give a good impression to others. (part of the reason for him getting a menial job, I feel, was his presentation. He's degreed and could do better, but can't present him well enough for serious employers to consider his potential). So anyway, any words of wisdom??

I'm trying to hang in there; but I'm having serious feelings of doubt and niggling wishes that I'd married American. I feel guilty for this because I love my husband and he is very loving and kind to me. He deserves a wife 100% on board with him.....but I feel like he's floundering right now and so far my attempts to help, aren't helping!

[Mononoke28 135]

Abby,

Welcome to the club. I think a few of us talked about this in a different thread, so don't feel you're all alone. It's very hard on us the USCs as well, and I can't speak for every of course. To be honest with you I think you need to talk with him about the stuff that bothers you, and do it in a way that he doesn't think you're criticizing him because in your head, it'll get bigger and bigger and bigger and it will become a huge issue eventually. Trust me, it's already happened to me many times since my husband got here.

The other thing is that you have to deal with the consequences and embrace them. It's mainly about you and your husband and not about what other people think. You knew you had to provide for the both of you from the beginning and he won't be able to provide as much as you since he just got here. So that is something you have accept. Same with the language and culture issues. But he also has to understand that he can't impose his issues and points of view on everybody else. It's a two way street and it's very hard for them to understand that they have to change once they get here or it won't work out.

Diana

[shadtov 0]

Hello,

Have been reading this thread through.....so nice to hear that difficulties in the transition are a common (and expected) thing.

I'm posting under a new profile, just to protect my hubby's feelings and keep it anonymous. But, I need some help! Maybe some VJer's who've been through this can help me believe that things will get better?!

I'm the USC; my husband is Eastern European, and came here for the 1st time ever just 5 months ago; and we are hitting the interpersonal cultural shock really hard lately. I knew it would be hard; but I didn't know HOW hard. My main problem is that I'm working/providing for us (he just got the EAD and a menial job); taking 100% care of our home/housework/bills; and also trying to cope with his adjustments--it's like having a child, instead of a partner sometimes! I'm overwhelmed and tired and have a hard time being gracious when he insists on his opinions being always right. Does anyone else feel this way???

Another problem we have is social embarrassment. How do I deal with this? I am proud of my hubby and his tremendous efforts with his English; however, he has NOT picked up on appropriate social cues yet......he brings up controversial subjects and argues them to the death with my friends/family; he states his opinions/beliefs too strongly; and sometimes monopolizes conversations with people by talking (slowly) for extended time periods without allowing them to say anything.

He already faces discouragement and adjustment in EVERY area of his new life here; so I don't want to beat him down or constantly criticize him. But I also want to help him fit in a bit better and give a good impression to others. (part of the reason for him getting a menial job, I feel, was his presentation. He's degreed and could do better, but can't present him well enough for serious employers to consider his potential). So anyway, any words of wisdom??

I'm trying to hang in there; but I'm having serious feelings of doubt and niggling wishes that I'd married American. I feel guilty for this because I love my husband and he is very loving and kind to me. He deserves a wife 100% on board with him.....but I feel like he's floundering right now and so far my attempts to help, aren't helping!

I agree with Mononoke. I also will say that there were times when I thought "why didn't I just find someone local." I'd think that b/c of the stress, but then I'd remember how alone I'd felt with past boyfriends. Even during our long distance relationship, I always felt that he was with me. It might help to look at pictures from before he moved in to remind yourself of why you both decided to go through this. Of course it's still difficult sometimes and that's just the way it is. You don't have to feel bad for being human. Choosing this relationship means that sometimes things will be more difficult but it also means that other parts will be that much more amazing.

The first year was definitely the hardest for us. We had sincere conversations about packing up and moving us both to Mexico.

One of the doctors I worked with before we got married gave me the advice that there will be times in the marriage that the marriage will be less about love and all about unity. He said to stick with the unity during those times and you'd get back to a better place.

That helped me in times like these.

I wish you smoother sailing.

[Mononoke28 135]

That is great advice, I really like that.

It's hard to realize that what you had before felt more of a dream than a reality and once you face reality is not as pretty as you thought it would be. Also, don't feel bad if every now and then you feel like a mother with him. It's normal, very normal since we're the ones who are in charge most of the time and they feel like lost puppies when they get here. If you accept this and realize that it's only temporary, I can assure you that things will get better.

Diana

[abby1 0]

That is great advice, I really like that.

It's hard to realize that what you had before felt more of a dream than a reality and once you face reality is not as pretty as you thought it would be. Also, don't feel bad if every now and then you feel like a mother with him. It's normal, very normal since we're the ones who are in charge most of the time and they feel like lost puppies when they get here. If you accept this and realize that it's only temporary, I can assure you that things will get better.

Diana

I appreciate the advice and reassurance. I keep trying to imagine myself starting anew in his country, and how lost I would feel and act. So, I know it's temporary. I just have to keep reminding myself of all he's given up to come and be here with me--that's proof enough of his love.

Thanks for helping me through a really blue day!