Patience with your S/O

[jordanianprincess 0]

Kelly, I think you hit this one on the nose! When I was in Jordan, I can't tell you how many looks and stares I got. Here in the US, I'm hardley noticeable. You are right about their views of the US. I know that my fiance feels the same as Sofyan. If I do feel something is unappropriate, I will change. I just don't want him to get into that habit of raising his brow at me lets just say I don't take direction well. We had these clothing related discussions alot when I was in Jordan, he even puched a guy that was looking at my chest! Let's just say I am very blessed in that area and no matter what I wear, I get looks.

I have never doubted that things would get better once he gets here. I can't tell you how much better it makes me feel to say that we are not the only ones fighting about this thing. Someone came here and told me I should have posted this in a different forum, I thought that was a bad idea. I figured it would be another way for people to bash at arabs.

HoneyBlonde!!! I am sooooo dissapointed in you! SO what if you have a few extra pounds! Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes! Trust me, I have a few pounds I'd like to lose too, but it never made me feel ugly. You are beautiful no matter what. I am in the same boat as you, we all feel insecure at times! I have had plenty of feelings of insecurity in my life. The feelings I have originate from my failed marriage.

I changed everything about myself for that jerk. Now I know what I want in life, I know who I am. I want someone to accept me for me. I feel very forturnate to have my fiance. We do have our disagreements but he is the greatest thing that has ever happened in my life. Like I said, its not just about clothes. It's more so how to get him to realize certain things are normal in the US and I am not some wild child. Trust me, I'm not. I know that this post sounded like it was about my clothing and going out, but its deeper than that. I myself have my own limits and i do take him into consideration.

MK - my man also hates it when my bra strap shows and he does like tight jeans and hates sheer stuff

Let me just share a story with you ladies. For us, it's customary to where a fancy evening gown when you get engaged. Now I shopped and shopped and could not find one in the USA that was conservative enough and that was not showing any cleavage (he calls it the line) I mean there was always a little bit showing. Not to mention, shoulders, back, etc. You ladies have seen the formals in the usa, they are really revealing. Plus it was summer time, so no chance of finding anything else. I ended up wearing a suit instead. I still looked nice, but to this day!!!!! i get comments about why I wore a suit. For girls with big chests, its hard to find somehting that does not show the "line". See..I gave something up

[cbd2cai 0]

I was thinking about this all day, wondering about whether I could contribute anything more than what other ppl have already said. There have been some really good replies here and it has given me lots to think about for when Ahmed gets to the States (yes, still waiting on him to decide he is finished with things he wants to do for his family . . . but I am really busy with work so it is OK).

Like MK mentioned, I too am used to living by myself (except for the 4 cats). So I will have a lot to adjust to when someone moves into my house. I worry about whether he will be able to adjust to living with the cats . . . even if they are nice cats it can be overwhelming if you are not used to having animals living in the house and he didn't in Cairo (and not many ppl there have pets either).

Even though Ahmed knows that I have been on my own and am used to taking care of myself, he is used to looking out for the women in his family . .. so it could take a bit of adjusting for him and me too. I have a little story about my last trip to Cairo that points this out a bit. I would go out in Cairo during the day without Ahmed for a few hours either site-seeing or visiting ppl that I have met from previous visits to Cairo or where ever. I used the same taxi driver every time who is someone that I met 2 years ago on my first trip to Cairo (my Egyptian friend in Dallas uses him all the time when she is in Cairo on business) and Ahmed knows him quite well now too. Before I would leave, I would write down where I wanted to go that day, Ahmed would then write it in Arabic and explain it all to Aymen when he arrived . . . then off I'd go for the day. This worked quite well the whole time I was in Cairo. But one day, I deviated from the discussed plans and made an additional stop at a hotel to meet someone because she had sent me a text msg after I was already out. She was only in Cairo 3 days and it was the last day before she returned to Luxor with her group on the night train. So I thought it would be ok to pop-in to the hotel right before she left. No harm to that, right? We had a nice little chat for about 45 minutes before they all left and I went back to the taxi. Of course, Aymen told Ahmed about the detour and Ahmed acted a bit strange about the whole thing saying "you didn't tell me about this person" . . . like he was really suspicious. My first reaction was to be a bit indignant about it, then I realized that might not be such a good idea. So I explained to him that I was used to just taking off and doing things on my own, not taking someone else into consideration, etc. He seemed to be ok with it after I explained a bit more about why I was meeting the person and who she was/why she was in Cairo, etc. I wasn't trying to hide anything from him . . . I just didn't think about telling him and never thought it would be a problem.

Yes, I too wonder how he is going to feel when he gets here and I will be working long hours sometimes on projects (like the one I am on now) or travelling for work. Will he be able to take care of the cats when I am gone, LOL???

Catherine

Edited April 19, 2006 by cbarrosmostafa

[morocco4ever 63]

Wow, I am glad to see I'm not alone on this. My husband would be thrilled if I wore the Hijab and Djalaba. I did notice the looks I would get there, and at first he didn't notice. I thought to myelf...Hell no, I'm not going to bring it up, but he finally noticed. OMG he was mad. But after so many stares we just started to laugh about it.

Okay girls, now I am curious what your SO's say about swimsuits. Well I told my husband that I have a nice modest swimsuit. Two piece, but it is a tank top and boy shorts. I showed him and the webcam and he said "no way". lol Then he sent me a link of "appropriate" swimsuits....check it out...

http://www.pamspaulding.com/graphics/1islamicswimsuit.jpg

This will be interesting to say the least.

I have many more stories, but at the moment this one just seems the funniest.

[cbd2cai 0]

Okay girls, now I am curious what your SO's say about swimsuits. Well I told my husband that I have a nice modest swimsuit. Two piece, but it is a tank top and boy shorts. I showed him and the webcam and he said "no way". lol Then he sent me a link of "appropriate" swimsuits....check it out...

http://www.pamspaulding.com/graphics/1islamicswimsuit.jpg

Well, less likely to have problems with skin cancer if you wear one of those . . . personally, I am staying out of a bathing suit, so I'll be taking long walks on the beach in long skirts and tank tops (lol, probably with a long sleeved shirt over it).

Catherine

[UmmSqueakster 54]

Okay girls, now I am curious what your SO's say about swimsuits. Well I told my husband that I have a nice modest swimsuit. Two piece, but it is a tank top and boy shorts. I showed him and the webcam and he said "no way". lol Then he sent me a link of "appropriate" swimsuits....check it out...

http://www.pamspaulding.com/graphics/1islamicswimsuit.jpg

This will be interesting to say the least.

I have many more stories, but at the moment this one just seems the funniest.

Not to be indignant or anything, but I own one of those swimsuits. For me, it would seem strange to cover in my day to day life and then when I went to the beach put on even a 1 piece swimsuit with a little skirt.

[morocco4ever 63]

Okay girls, now I am curious what your SO's say about swimsuits. Well I told my husband that I have a nice modest swimsuit. Two piece, but it is a tank top and boy shorts. I showed him and the webcam and he said "no way". lol Then he sent me a link of "appropriate" swimsuits....check it out...

http://www.pamspaulding.com/graphics/1islamicswimsuit.jpg

This will be interesting to say the least.

I have many more stories, but at the moment this one just seems the funniest.

Not to be indignant or anything, but I own one of those swimsuits. For me, it would seem strange to cover in my day to day life and then when I went to the beach put on even a 1 piece swimsuit with a little skirt.

If I have offended you, or anyone, I am sorry. I believe we all have a right to wear what we want, and if this is your swimsuit of choice then it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks. Its just personally I have never seen anything like this, so it threw me off, and I can't imagine wearing one on the boat water skiing. Its just my culture shock, thats all.

[portsaid 0]

I was nervous about what to wear in Egypt. I took too much! My ex-husband helped me pick out what to wear almost everyday that I was there. I took long skirts and consertative items by US standards. When we went to the beach with his family my ex-husband told me that I couldn't wear these swimsuits to the beach. I said okay, what should I wear? He went to my suitcase and picked out a long denim skirt and white linen blouse adding that I needed to wear something under it because he could see through it. I didn't have a problem with it because I didn't want to do anything inappropriate.

When we were at the Red Sea, I wore tankinis, shorts and short skirts, he didn't say anything, but I sensed he wasn't as comfortable with it as I was. I covered with a wrap skirt whenever I wasn't in the pool. He toldl me one night he didn't like me showing my legs because other men were lusting for me (I was wearing a short skirt at the time) and when we left the Red Sea he said he was glad because now I would stop wearing shorts and showing my sexy body. I just smiled and kissed him, there was no discussion.

After he moved to the USA he mentioned how women dressed, showing their breasts and very tight clothes. He said I would look so sexy if I did that, but he didn't want me to do it because he didn't want any other man to look at me. He would tell me that I was beautiful and comment on certain things I wore, but he never told me how to dress.

His big thing was hugging. We went to a holiday party and some men hugged me. Boy oh boy, did he get mad. It was normal to me, especially coming from people I hadn't seen in awhile. He told me later, that I was to NEVER allow any man to touch me that way again. Do your SO's feel the same? Have you discussed it?

[Jenn! 918]

I just can't imagine wearing that type of swimsuit only because I'm a total wimp when it comes to the heat, and I think I might sweat to death in that.

If you can do it, more power to ya!

[UmmSqueakster 54]

If I have offended you, or anyone, I am sorry. I believe we all have a right to wear what we want, and if this is your swimsuit of choice then it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks. Its just personally I have never seen anything like this, so it threw me off, and I can't imagine wearing one on the boat water skiing. Its just my culture shock, thats all.

Nope, not offended, don't worry

I think the thing that I've constantly had to remind myself and my husband is that I didn't marry an american man, so I can't expect my husband to behave as one. And, my husband didn't marry an Egyptian woman, so he can't expect me to behave as one. So, we explore the cultural differences and find the happy medium.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

I was nervous about what to wear in Egypt. I took too much! My ex-husband helped me pick out what to wear almost everyday that I was there. I took long skirts and consertative items by US standards. When we went to the beach with his family my ex-husband told me that I couldn't wear these swimsuits to the beach. I said okay, what should I wear? He went to my suitcase and picked out a long denim skirt and white linen blouse adding that I needed to wear something under it because he could see through it. I didn't have a problem with it because I didn't want to do anything inappropriate.

When we were at the Red Sea, I wore tankinis, shorts and short skirts, he didn't say anything, but I sensed he wasn't as comfortable with it as I was. I covered with a wrap skirt whenever I wasn't in the pool. He toldl me one night he didn't like me showing my legs because other men were lusting for me (I was wearing a short skirt at the time) and when we left the Red Sea he said he was glad because now I would stop wearing shorts and showing my sexy body. I just smiled and kissed him, there was no discussion.

After he moved to the USA he mentioned how women dressed, showing their breasts and very tight clothes. He said I would look so sexy if I did that, but he didn't want me to do it because he didn't want any other man to look at me. He would tell me that I was beautiful and comment on certain things I wore, but he never told me how to dress.

His big thing was hugging. We went to a holiday party and some men hugged me. Boy oh boy, did he get mad. It was normal to me, especially coming from people I hadn't seen in awhile. He told me later, that I was to NEVER allow any man to touch me that way again. Do your SO's feel the same? Have you discussed it?

We have discussed it. We agree -- there is NO hugging the opposite sex, unless they are family. Now I must say that I have never been comfortable with people who are too "touchy-feely," and have always tried to discourage such greetings -- like when I see them reaching out to hug, I take a little step back and offer my hand to shake. This is fairly effective, giving the would-be hugger an easy alternative without being pointedly rude, letting him "save face." Some people are more used to hugging everyone, so maybe it could feel uncomfortable to change that habit. But I wouldn't like my husband hugging female "friends" either, so I have no problem with this.

I think location and the local standards of behavior have a lot to do with what Middle Eastern men will find acceptible in dress, etc. There is definitely kind of a double-standard, according to where you are and who you're with. A lot of this is fear of what others "might think" -- Middle Eastern men get very upset about the possibility of other guys "thinking bad thoughts" about their wives.

I think when you were at the Red Sea, your husband accepted you dressing in Western-style beach wear (even though he wasn't really comfortable with it) because just about everyone else there is accustomed to that and it didn't draw attention. But as soon as you left the resort area and were back into "mainstream" Egypt, your husband expected you to conform to the more modest standards. It's a bit of "When in Rome, do as the Romans do" -- certainly not entirely, of course, but there is often a bit of flexibility according to local mores or depending on which company you are in.

For instance, my husband accepts my non-Middle Eastern male friends to visit our home and we all sit in the living room together and chat -- he has no problem with this and does not feel "strange." However, if his Arab friends visit, he will want to socialize with them in a separate room from me, following the Middle Eastern custom. He will say "It's not their culture."

-MK

[honeyblonde 0]

With Abdel it's the opposite. I found a very flattering one piece with a little skirt because I'm very self-conscious about my tummy. He can't understand why I don't want to wear a bikini!

I think for him it has a lot to do with being an orphan (he calls it that even though he was 17 and 21 when his parents died!) and being raised by his sister who was only in her late twenties/early thirties and went through the whole hippie phase. She wore a bikini to the beach in Morocco in the 70s and was quite proud to show me her pictures.

Abdel is so not buying into the physical obsession we have here and it is great, but hard for me to adapt considering I go to school with a bunch of 17 to 20 somethings who come to class half naked showing off gorgeous bodies I only wish I could look like again.

His attitude is "Who cares what you look like? I think you're beautiful and I love you." I only wish I could be so careless. This town has 3 pretty big universities and the beach is less than 1 hour from anywhere. Plus, the heat gets over 105 in the summer. I'm the one wanting to cover up while he's the one telling me to quit worrying. It's easy for him, he has the body of an 18 year old so he looks great!

[jordanianprincess 0]

I never really had problems with the swimsuit issue. My fiance seems confortable with me showing "skin" as long as there are others doing the same. His big thing is he doesnt want me to stick out like a sore thumb.

We went to the beach at Aqaba and the Dead Sea. I did wear a one piece, but the back was really low and so was the front. It also has a skirt attached to it, but that was new thing last year. Kinda pointless skirt though, didnt cover much

To each his own. I don't think I could ever wear one of those suits that rahma posted...i'd die from heat. I'm a wimp like Jenn. Then again I have always felt bad for women wearing hijab in the summertime. The heat can be so unbearable, I don't know how they do it.

[Together4ever 1]

This is an easy issue for us. Neither of us swim!!

[kerewin21 2]

i blame alot of the views our men have on the horrible movies MBC4 plays over there in Jordan.....this source is what they really think america is all about, sex, drugs, and friends, and nothing else....i cant tell u how many times i had to tell his sisters and brothers that their understandings of america were wayyyyy off.....since the day sofyan has got here, and seen america with his own two eyes, he hasnt said anything of that sort...he now sees most men wouldnt even turn their head to look at a girl....(not like the dirtbags (well not all of them) in zarqa who look at anything that walks) he sees skirts and short sleeve are common, even among older women, and there arent people walking thru the streets smuggling drugs and stuff....he was sooo paranoid to come here, and now quetions why he ever did that to himself

I think this is soooo true. I think we underestimate how influenced our SOs are by the portrayal of our country in movies and TV. I wonder if this might be even *more* the case for you, JP. Since you have so many cultural similarities, it might be easy to forget that under it all, you have one very big difference between you in that you grew up here and he over there, and that influences him a lot.

Once again, no matter how much we try to impress on them that it's not as they think here, they aren't going to get it until they are actually here in person. And that's a difficult journey too!

[jordanianprincess 0]

I think this is soooo true. I think we underestimate how influenced our SOs are by the portrayal of our country in movies and TV. I wonder if this might be even *more* the case for you, JP. Since you have so many cultural similarities, it might be easy to forget that under it all, you have one very big difference between you in that you grew up here and he over there, and that influences him a lot.

Once again, no matter how much we try to impress on them that it's not as they think here, they aren't going to get it until they are actually here in person. And that's a difficult journey too!

Could be that...I have a pretty good understand of his P.O.V. I just disagree with some of it. He is pretty "westernized" compared to others I have seen, but we still disagree on stuff. He told me he was ok with me wearing a bikini at the beach (I did'nt) which surprised me.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, because I am soooooo grateful to have him. Like Kelly said, it's more so to get him to understand that americans are not what people see on TV.