Patience with your S/O

[Together4ever 1]

JP, I don't think you sound bad at all. You sound like a typical "modern" woman. For better or for worse, you probably won't be wanting to go out as much when your honey gets here, so that may resolve some of that. You also may find, as others have pointed out, that your fiance doesn't feel like he has to have all the details all the time once he moves here. My husband was like that at times when we were still apart; he would always ask who I was with, what I was doing, why didn't I answer my phone if I didn't pick up when he called. I think part of that is that, at least among Moroccans, they seem to feel more entitled to 'interrogate' you about where you are, where you've been, etc. I found that if I just answered, the seemingly hostile tone would go away, and he would just say, Oh, OK. It was more he just wanted to know, rather than wanting to control where I was.

Because of that, I was a little worried that he'd want to police where I was and who I was out with once he got here, but it really hasn't proved to be a problem. It helps that he has his friends he hangs out with and I have mine. Every once in a while he's kind of confused when I'm not at home waiting for him when he gets home, but I think it's more a product of my behavior being different from what he's used to. It might just take your fiance a little time to get used to it. Once he gets here he'll see that it's not just "bad girls" who stay out late and go out on their own. Your fiance will have to get used to a different culture, and he's not going to really understand how very different it is until he actually gets here.

I made it very clear from the beginning that I have my friends and my life, that I dress how I want and go where I want, and Majid has been accepting of that. Hopefully you have made that clear too. And as far as saying things over and over, I really found that most of the things I said didn't sink in until Majid got here, no matter how many times I tried to explain them to him.

I would say, try to be patient, go into this with your eyes open and the understanding that it will be hard for him to adapt to a new culture and women's role in that culture, and remember that you have a level of mutual understanding and acceptance that will help you through some of the hard adjustments.

Oh I so agree with this. Again, talk to each other... honestly. Put it out on the table. Try to keep emotions out of it. Always remember who you were when you fell in love, and it will all work itself out.

[tmma 467]

It IS difficult to be patient sometimes. Toss in the usual stresses of long distance relationships PLUS the visa journey and I'll bet almost all of us end up squabbling with our SOs. I know when there are times I'm becoming emotionally/mentally drained I will tell him "Please, no matter what, let's not argue tonight. I just can't manage it." He is almost always understanding. Keep your communication open, if you're too emotionally drained don't be afraid to tell him. Sometimes the words "I love you. I don't want to argue with you," can do a lot to short circuit troubles.

Embrace it as a lovely opportunity to refine your communication skills as a couple. Time solves everything in the end.

Hope you don't mind me jumping in( I was just surfing around the regional sites) -my fiance is from the Netherlands ( not ME/NA); but I agree with the quote up there for everyone regardless of country!

Best wishes everyone

Michele..

[AngelK96 0]

Heheh JP you sound like me. Anyways you can't solve anything in one night. You have to work at it and I still am. Sometimes I have trouble with being patient with him also. hehe just sounds so familiar.

He told me I couldn't wear shorts outside but in the home, but I still go outside with shorts. It's so different when you are born here and marry from there. The men here are so modern and have the attitude of not really caring, but the men there it's so different because of how their culture is there..i have to go now and thanks for the recipe i'm going to try it out. But I know where you are coming from

[kerewin21 2]

It IS difficult to be patient sometimes. Toss in the usual stresses of long distance relationships PLUS the visa journey and I'll bet almost all of us end up squabbling with our SOs. I know when there are times I'm becoming emotionally/mentally drained I will tell him "Please, no matter what, let's not argue tonight. I just can't manage it." He is almost always understanding. Keep your communication open, if you're too emotionally drained don't be afraid to tell him. Sometimes the words "I love you. I don't want to argue with you," can do a lot to short circuit troubles.

Embrace it as a lovely opportunity to refine your communication skills as a couple. Time solves everything in the end.

That's a good point, don't forget that the stress of being apart makes the little squabbles more prevalent and seem much more important than they really are. Things will be easier when you don't have that huge distance between you. Of course, starting your life together presents its own problems, but you can cross that bridge when you get to it.

Edited April 18, 2006 by kerewin21

[jordanianprincess 0]

Thank you for all the advice ladies. I do really appreciate it. I'm not the type that wants to stay at home so even when comes here, that won't change but instead we will go together.

I don't know why, but I just don't feel that dressing more conservativily will make me a better wife. That's how I feel about me. When I was in Jordan, I did dress more conservately than I usually do out of respect for the culture there, but I blend right in with everyone in the USA. I mean when you have all these girls with the butts hanging out who is gonna pay attention to my shirt?

Kerewin - You are right, I am a modern woman. I have all the arabic culture and traditions in me, but I work, I take care of myself, I like to make my own choices. You how people always think arabs are controlling, well since we are both arabic, I think we are having a power struggle.

Angel - I think you are right. He has told me on more than one occasion (jokingly but I don't think he was) that I can't wear certain things. I am so stubborn, I like to make my own decisions.

Rahma - I agree its nice to have a difference in opinion without Pooflinging. I do respect your decision, but the difference is you were ok with giving up those things and I am not ok with it. I actually started dressing more conservativly on my own. I'm almost 30 now, and every year the hem on my skirt gets longer I used to wear micro minis when i was 18, now i like below the knee skirts.

I always tell myself to be patient, I am certain that once he gets here alot of these problems will sort themselves out. But with my anticipated wait for an interview in Amman, where I'm estimating it will be sometime in 2007 I have to say I'm getting discouraged now. I've kept up my patience now for 1.5 years and thought he would be here by the end of the summer.....now I have no idea when he will be here.

[kerewin21 2]

I always tell myself to be patient, I am certain that once he gets here alot of these problems will sort themselves out. But with my anticipated wait for an interview in Amman, where I'm estimating it will be sometime in 2007 I have to say I'm getting discouraged now. I've kept up my patience now for 1.5 years and thought he would be here by the end of the summer.....now I have no idea when he will be here.

I feel so bad for those of you going through Jordan, your wait is just unbelievable. I can't imagine how stressful it must be. I thought my wait was hard, but you're waiting 3 or 4 times as long as most of us going through Morocco.

As others have said, try to spend this time working on your communication skills and enjoying just talking to each other.

[honeyblonde 0]

Ok, you women are making me feel incredibly lucky. The first time I told Abdel not to get his hair cut too short he informed me that it was his hair and he would decide how short to cut it. He has taken that attitude toward any changes I want to make myself, or any other of my actions - It's my body, so it's my business. Sometimes he makes me crazy by not having an opinion when I really need his honest opinion, but I guess I'm pretty lucky.

Last night I wore a workout top to play tennis that had only spaghetti straps. I'm still pretty overweight so I was worried I would "bounce out" of it. He told me to quit worrying, if I did it wouldn't matter because we were exercising. I had to explain to him about our public indecency laws. You women make me feel like a truly free woman. But honestly, that is how I feel with him anyway. Sometimes I feel like we're the two little high school kids cutting school to sneak out and enjoy life.

[Together4ever 1]

I want to add one other thought. Mohammed and I discuss this much and that is the concept of sacrifice in a relationship. When both sides make sacrifices (and they can be big or they can be small) based on free will, it forges such a deep foundation to the relationship that nothing can shake it.

Example: When I lived in Egypt as Mohammed's wife, he sacrificed his outings with his friends. Most of his friends turned their backs on him anyway because I am American. He never batted an eye at this. I would suggest sometimes maybe it would be nice for him to relax away from me. He said, "NO! You came to this hard place for me. I won't let you sit alone with nothing to do." End of story, Mohammed-style. He sacrificed because I sacrificed several months of life with my children, and he knew how I missed them. I love him more for what he was willing to compromise for me with me asking, and I know he feels the same way. This is a special dance, although not an easy one to learn at first.

[Jenn! 918]

I'm actually in the opposite situation. I've become somewhat of a homebody since returning here to the U.S. I only have a couple of friends in the area, and I'll go out probably once every other week on the average. Wadi encourages me to go out more often, and that's pretty much all the "controversy" we have in that area.

Sometimes he says he doesn't like something I'm wearing - and I take it off. I do the same to him though, so I don't mind.

[Together4ever 1]

I want to add one other thought. Mohammed and I discuss this much and that is the concept of sacrifice in a relationship. When both sides make sacrifices (and they can be big or they can be small) based on free will, it forges such a deep foundation to the relationship that nothing can shake it.

Example: When I lived in Egypt as Mohammed's wife, he sacrificed his outings with his friends. Most of his friends turned their backs on him anyway because I am American. He never batted an eye at this. I would suggest sometimes maybe it would be nice for him to relax away from me. He said, "NO! You came to this hard place for me. I won't let you sit alone with nothing to do." End of story, Mohammed-style. He sacrificed because I sacrificed several months of life with my children, and he knew how I missed them. I love him more for what he was willing to compromise for me with me asking, and I know he feels the same way. This is a special dance, although not an easy one to learn at first.

Grrrr... I meant to type WITHOUT me asking...

[jordanianprincess 0]

We do compromise on all important topics. I just feel like these thinks are too petty to discuss. Maybe I am being selfish...maybe not.

I know that marriage is all about compromise. Raising kids, household rules, finances, etc. I just don't my clothing, my image, is anything to be comprimised on. My personal style is what makes me, me. This is not just about clothing or anything like that. More so than anything mentioned here, even if you don't go out or you like to stay home. I'm sure there is something you do that he is not accustomed to.

What Kerewin said was a perfect example, I hate feeling like I'm being interrogated all the time. I'm glad to see that many of you have found comfort once your S/O moved here. That is definitly helpful. I hope I can find the patience within.

[iceyspots 0]

Sorry about your problems.. Believe me.. there's been a couple things Yacine has questioned me about.. but.. when he gets here, he'll understand. When he sees women walking safe with eachother or going out later at night, he's going to understand you're not deviating from the norm here and there's no more danger at night than in the daytime, In most instances, however. You follow some rules in Jordan, you follow some rules here. Hope it works out

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Good topic.

Well.... marriage is a compromise. I know it's not always easy, but we have to somehow find a way to meet each other halfway.

I was very used to living by myself.... no husband, no kids, no roommates to cramp my style... fancy free to do whatever I liked. And so it was kind of hard to learn to share my space and allow my husband the leeway to make decisions about what was now "our" home and "our" lives. For instance, I kind of freaked out when he cut down an old fig tree that was "sort of" in the way of the new gate he built in the new fence, without even asking me. His constant channel changing with the TV remote drove me crazy. When you're used to having total control, giving it up isn't a simple thing. But I'm learning.

Like Sharon mentioned with her husband, Mahmoud also used to ring my phone off the hook when he was in the West Bank... if I didn't answer right away, I would have 15 or 20 missed calls from him, and he would be sulking when I called him back. But now that he's here and pretty much knows my daily routine, he doesn't do that any more. Amera had some excellent insights into this... it has a lot to do with the distance and not knowing where you are. They do imagine the worst about America, and that's what makes them worry so much.

As far as nights out.... I don't really go out to hang around with friends much -- I got most of that out of my system in college. Sometimes I socialize briefly with people from work, but not often. I'm more of a homebody like Liz, Mary, Lynne and Jenn. I love being at home.... I am never bored there. I usually can't wait to get off work and go home to my husband.

Regarding clothes, I guess I am already fairly conservative in my dress, so we haven't really had any disagreements over that. I don't wear sleeveless or low-cut tops in public, and all my skirts are below the knee. My husband has raised an eyebrow a few times at some of the sheerer fabrics... he doesn't have to say a word.... I understand that look ! He does not like even the slightest hint of a bra strap to show in public, so I have started wearing a camisole underneath certain tops, and he was so appreciative of that. And he always compliments me when I wear pants. He's the opposite of Rahma's husband -- he especially likes it when I wear jeans (even the tight ones ) I guess it's because he was very used to that in the West Bank... all the young women and teenage girls are wearing jeans.

But there were a couple of incidents that I didn't even give a second thought to... that ended up really bothering Mahmoud. For instance, we had a family reunion at a lake resort a few months ago, and I had brought a cake that was in the refrigerator in our room. While we were all at dinner, I asked the restaurant manager to take me to go get it in his golf cart, because of course I didn't want to walk all the way in the dark carrying a big cake. It took maybe all of 8 minutes. Well when we got back, Mahmoud's face was just dark like a black cloud and he would hardly speak. I really had no idea of what was wrong until later that evening, when he finally told me. I had not realized that this would be completely unacceptible for him. But we talked it out, and he calmed down, and he acknowledged that we have some differences in culture and expectations of behavior that I don't always understand. But I also promised him that I will always try my best to respect his feelings, and I reassured him that I will never do anything to intentionally hurt him or bring shame to him. I think this is what people worry about the most -- to have their feelings just completely disregarded. For sure I will never again forget how Mahmoud feels about his wife being "alone with a stranger."

Overall though, I have to say that he's pretty tolerant and easy-going, especially considering that he's making the transition from an extremely conservative culture into a very un-conservative one. I feel so blessed and I thank God every day for this sweet, wonderful, kind man who is far more patient than I.

Marriage can never be one of those things that's "my way or the highway." So we have to keep the lines of communication open, and remember to listen more than we talk. Don't sweat the small things... most fights can be avoided by never letting them start. That was such good advice from Jean -- the magic words "I love you and I don't want to fight with you" can have an amazing effect. If something is really bothering you, try to talk it over calmly and find some compromise that you can both feel comfortable with.

-MK

[honeyblonde 0]

I think the ability to understand insecurities comes with having experienced them yourself. JP, you're still young and hot and don't sound like you've had many insecurities yourself yet in life, so I'm sure for you his feelings are just a little weird.

I've been there and remember how it felt, but now I'm overweight, not as young as I once was, and have been through plenty of relationships where I was lied to and used. Needless to say I tend to be on the more insecure side a lot right now. Maybe your man hasn't been through those things, but he hears stories I'm sure about "American women" and he only has his own culture to compare things too.

While it may frustrate you to deal with his fears, please be patient and reassure him of your love. Whenever I'm feeling insecure Abdel wants to give me advice and tell me not to worry, and tonight I finally told him to please just listen to me and let me realize how stupid my worries sound all by myself.

One of the guys I work with learned the cutest thing and I taught it to Abdel tonight. When one of us ladies goes in his office to sound off, he will start off with, "Is this one of those times I'm supposed to give advice, or is this one when I'm just supposed to listen and nod?"

So, maybe you're just wanting us to listen! Maybe we should just nod and say, "Yes, I understand."

[dollface41601 0]

JP this really does sound all too common....maybe our Zarqa boys think alike....lol....sofyan was very drill sergeant like when we were apart. and i agree with amera, strictly due to the distance apart and the constant wondering of what the other person may be doing....i devoted 10 hours every single day to sofyan...and never missed one since the day we met....life was tough but, it was and still is soo worth it....i did stop showing cleavage, and wearing short skirts, but i think that is something expected when a women is growing up and gets married...sofyan raises a brow at some things i wear, but its so much easier to just take it off, and change....if i dont like what he is wearing, he changes it too....and we respect eachother alot for that understanding....i blame alot of the views our men have on the horrible movies MBC4 plays over there in Jordan.....this source is what they really think america is all about, sex, drugs, and friends, and nothing else....i cant tell u how many times i had to tell his sisters and brothers that their understandings of america were wayyyyy off.....since the day sofyan has got here, and seen america with his own two eyes, he hasnt said anything of that sort...he now sees most men wouldnt even turn their head to look at a girl....(not like the dirtbags (well not all of them) in zarqa who look at anything that walks) he sees skirts and short sleeve are common, even among older women, and there arent people walking thru the streets smuggling drugs and stuff....he was sooo paranoid to come here, and now quetions why he ever did that to himself....my best advice to you is stick it out...it really is worth it in the end...sofyan and i fought on every subject u could think of when we were apart, but since being together, it hasnt happened again...be patient girl. things will change