Patience with your S/O

[jordanianprincess 0]

Ok ladies, I really need some help. I am soooooo impatient. I feel really bad about it because I know I am mean to him sometimes. but its so hard for me to keep explaining things over and over and over!

Here is the situation, I am arabic, but I grew up here. I know our traditions and "rules" but I don't really follow them all, no one here really does. I don't do anything bad at all, but just different from what he is used to. For example, staying out late. He is used to women being home at an early hour, but here in the USA noone really does that. I mean I don't stay out until 3am, but sometimes midnight. He doesn't get mad, but how do I get him to understand that somethings are nomal in the USA?

We bicker about small petty things like that. Do any of you share the same problem/situation?

[honeyblonde 0]

I can't help you with that one. I'm afraid I pretty much gave up my social life while I was waiting for Abdel to get here. Every night I was in front of the webcam by about 9 PM waiting for him, and he was always there for me except when his brother got hurt.

[MaryandMian 1]

Homebody with kids here so I cannot offer any advice either. Hang in there.

Mary

[Dixie_Peach 1]

JP

Sorry... I can't offer any advice either... I work 3 jobs... so I am at home each night by 9 pm... too tired to do anything else... lol

*hugs*

hope someone can give you a better answer!

Lynne

[jordanianprincess 0]

LOL, don't take this the wrong way...I'm not a bar fly. But on Friday/Saturday I will go and hang out at my sisters house until 11p.m. or so and right on the PC after that. I make myself available to him all the time on phone/webcam, etc. It's not just that either. Clothing, working late, things like that.

[sarah and hicham 3]

I had the same problem. I felt like Hicham expected me not to see my friends anymore and to lock myself in my room everyday and night to talk to him. Don't get me wrong, I love talking to him, but I do love my friends too and I want to see them! We have fought a lot about this. In the past, if I told Hicham I was going out for the night or that I wasn't going to be there to talk, it would end in a big argument. Finally after I really started feeling like I was locked in my room all the time, I decided to tell Hicham that I couldn't continue that way and finally he understood. Now I talk to him most nights but I also go out with friends or with my family or whatever. The only advice I could give you is if you feel like you have no social life, then that isn't fair to you and just talk to him about it and make sure he understands. Good luck buddy.

Sarah

[jordanianprincess 0]

You know I also don't mind talking to him, but my friends are my support group here at home. They have been there for me my entire life and they have also been there for me since I started this process. My sister has been great too. I don't want my fiance to think that this is a choice between him and my friends, its not that way at all. But I need to be able to have both relationships.

We don't go out to bars or clubs or anything like that. We mostly hang out with each other and my sisters kids. I'm just not the type to abandon my friends because I have a man in my life. There has to be a balance.

One thing I'm trying to make him understand is this. This is how the scenario goes.

I am with my friends at dinner or something, my phone rings and its him. I answer. He asks where are you, what are you doing, who is there. I answer him. He will then ask me questions that I can't answer in front of people. He doesn't seem to get that there is a time and place for everything. He thinks he has the right to know everything because he is my fiance and I agree. Sometimes I dont even want to answer my phone because I'm scared we will get into it.

I know I need to make some changes on my end, and believe me I have and I know he has too. But I can't change who I am. Clothing is an issue as well. I dress fairly conservative but depending on teh occasion I may wear something a bit more revealing. I mean just the discussion on my wedding dress alone drives me crazy! I don't even want to go dress shopping because I won't be able to buy the dress I like. I just want to be able to make him understand that there are some difference here and there. What I do here is not abnormal and I know it is in the Middle East, but not here.

[MrsAmera 41]

Wow this sounds sooo familiar! Before my fiance came here we had the EXACT same conversations as you two are. I couldn't understand why he had to know EVERYTHING all the time! It made me sooo crazy. I also felt like I was locked in my room or the house to talk to him all day and all night. Which was tough when I had a baby and school going on. Sometimes he would get angry if I stayed the night at my moms instead of driving home (she lives like 25 minutes away). Maybe I was tired or it was cold or the baby was sleeping and I didn't want to wake him up. The next day he was sure that I was out with another guy and that I was cheating on him. Arghhh just thinking about these conversations makes me crazy. He gets upset about clothes sometimes too. I have one pair of pants that are soo comfortable and I wear them for Tennis or just when we're going somewhere (driving). He hates them, he thinks too much shows. I tried to explain that no one cares and no one is as observant about those things as he is. Things have gotten better since he's been here and has seen things first hand and I think that will probably be the case for you too. I said I would never give up my friends, and I haven't but life is different when you're married. I think that when he's here it will make more sense. For the time being try to make the best of it, he has no way to understand American life/culture other than what he sees on TV and movies (which they do think is real) - so maybe try to tell him what he sees isn't how life really is. I think a lot of their questioning etc is just that they are scared and miss you and maybe a little jealous too...

[Together4ever 1]

LOL, don't take this the wrong way...I'm not a bar fly. But on Friday/Saturday I will go and hang out at my sisters house until 11p.m. or so and right on the PC after that. I make myself available to him all the time on phone/webcam, etc. It's not just that either. Clothing, working late, things like that.

This may solve itself after your darlin gets here and he sees the way of life and how you are not deviating into "inappropriate behavior" for the culture/lifestyle here. I imagine it's difficult for him to grasp. I know that Mohammed has been very open and understanding about almost everything I do, but then again I'm like most here. I work, come home and spend the evening with him and the kids and then go to bed. There are times on Friday nights when I'll say something to him about jumping in the car to get eats and rent a movie and he frets. He struggles with is me driving the car. He's always so afraid something will happen to me.

It IS difficult to be patient sometimes. Toss in the usual stresses of long distance relationships PLUS the visa journey and I'll bet almost all of us end up squabbling with our SOs. I know when there are times I'm becoming emotionally/mentally drained I will tell him "Please, no matter what, let's not argue tonight. I just can't manage it." He is almost always understanding. Keep your communication open, if you're too emotionally drained don't be afraid to tell him. Sometimes the words "I love you. I don't want to argue with you," can do a lot to short circuit troubles.

Well, I'm offering too much advice. Take it with a grain of salt. Embrace it as a lovely opportunity to refine your communication skills as a couple. Time solves everything in the end.

[Saddle Bronc 124]

(I know I'm barging in but...)

This could easily be put into the Moving To America area for general (not just for those with ME/NA origin SO's) access.

[UmmSqueakster 54]

If there is one thing that has saved my marriage (short as it is), it is compromise. Of course, compromise is important in all relationships, but even more so in the intercultural ones we find ourselves in.

There are some things I've given up doing since DH got here, like wearing jeans. He did buy me some nice jean skirts to replace them though. And, he's had to give up some things he wants, like having dinner made for him every night and the apartment perfectly clean every day.

The only way that this will work, though, is if BOTH parties are willing to meet in the middle and BOTH compromise. One partner shouldn't have to make all the sacrifices.

As for the specifics of the OP, yeah, I've had to deal with that too. I've never stayed out late, but even 11 p.m. caused DH to freak out while I was in college. So, we negotiated and I'll stay out until 10 p.m. Now that he's here though, I don't stay out with friends late at all.

[AInfante-Saraireh 0]

JP, some of it's culture, other is insecurity. My husband can be like that too and like others here, i have given up a life too to see him on cam or for him to reach me. He understands now that I need to go out and there are still times he's insecure about it. It' s also because the distance, they can't see what we are doing and vice versa. Sometimes it's good to hook up with ones we have in common and others that we dont'. Life is all about sharing and giving and receiving. I woul djust simply tell him you need a life with your relatives and friends in order to be who you are. Hope he understands this.

Andrea

[jordanianprincess 0]

Ok I'm really sorry if this offends anyone because that is not why Im posting this. This is just how I feel about ME and I respect what anyone else wants to do.

This is my second marriage. In my first marriage, I was young. Didn't even know who I was. I did everything the way he wanted. Now I'm older, and I know who I am. I just won't change myself or my ways for anyone.

Rahma, you said you gave up jeans. I mean I just would not do that. I will compromise with him about certain things, but there are things that I won't. I honestly believe that when you love someone you should accept them for who they are and not try to change them. I tried to change my ex for years and it never worked. He tried to change me, and it never worked.

My fiance smokes, I HATE it. But I knew that when I met him and I'm not gonna make it a condition of our relationship for him to change that. Will I encourage him to quit, yes. If he doesn't quit or does not want to quit, I will respect his decision.

I don't mind him giving me his opinion, but its just that, his opinion. If I choose to take it, I will and if not he should resepct that. LOL, I don't know if I'm explaining mysef or what I want to say correctly. He is my whole life, I love him more than anything in the world. My clothing is not by any means trashy, my tops are usually fitted as are my pants. I did give up wearing really low cut tops, but I won't wear turtle necks! I am me, I just want him to accept me for me.

As for my friends, they are so accepting of him. When he comes here, they will be his friends too. I don't have any single friends that want to party. I don't party myself.

LOL, I think I made myself sound so bad in this post

[UmmSqueakster 54]

Everyone choses what kind of compromises they want to make. I disagree slightly on the trying to change someone thing though. It's not the other party trying to change you, it's you realizing that you must make a change so that your partner will be happier. As long as it's not coersed, and doesn't happen too often, it should be ok. There are certain things that can't be changed about someone, but a lot of the little things can be modified so that two parties can coexist together.

For you, giving up low cut tops wasn't a big move to make. For me, giving up jeans wasn't a huge move either. We laid out the ground rules of what we expected of each other, and he's assured me (in writing LOL) that he won't pressure me to wear abayas, jelbab, khimar or niqab. If he had forced me to wear niqab, or to give up my brightly colored scarves, I might have put my foot down. But, I don't think I have to worry about that since one of his gifts for me recently was a hot pink tye dyed shayla

And, just so everyone doesn't think my DH is a control freak, he did get rid of all of his horrid tight FOB pants because I didn't like them, he no longer wears his fake adidos (LOL) pants outside and he'll take my advice on what constitutes a matching outfit so he doesn't look FOB-ish.

But, then again, I'm young and naive. We'll see where I'm at after 5 years of marriage

Oops, just wanted to add, I call myself young and naive, because I know I am.

It wasn't meant to me snarky or sarcastic in any way

It's nice to have a polite difference of opinion without going all poo flinging

Edited April 18, 2006 by rahma

[kerewin21 2]

JP, I don't think you sound bad at all. You sound like a typical "modern" woman. For better or for worse, you probably won't be wanting to go out as much when your honey gets here, so that may resolve some of that. You also may find, as others have pointed out, that your fiance doesn't feel like he has to have all the details all the time once he moves here. My husband was like that at times when we were still apart; he would always ask who I was with, what I was doing, why didn't I answer my phone if I didn't pick up when he called. I think part of that is that, at least among Moroccans, they seem to feel more entitled to 'interrogate' you about where you are, where you've been, etc. I found that if I just answered, the seemingly hostile tone would go away, and he would just say, Oh, OK. It was more he just wanted to know, rather than wanting to control where I was.

Because of that, I was a little worried that he'd want to police where I was and who I was out with once he got here, but it really hasn't proved to be a problem. It helps that he has his friends he hangs out with and I have mine. Every once in a while he's kind of confused when I'm not at home waiting for him when he gets home, but I think it's more a product of my behavior being different from what he's used to. It might just take your fiance a little time to get used to it. Once he gets here he'll see that it's not just "bad girls" who stay out late and go out on their own. Your fiance will have to get used to a different culture, and he's not going to really understand how very different it is until he actually gets here.

I made it very clear from the beginning that I have my friends and my life, that I dress how I want and go where I want, and Majid has been accepting of that. Hopefully you have made that clear too. And as far as saying things over and over, I really found that most of the things I said didn't sink in until Majid got here, no matter how many times I tried to explain them to him.

I would say, try to be patient, go into this with your eyes open and the understanding that it will be hard for him to adapt to a new culture and women's role in that culture, and remember that you have a level of mutual understanding and acceptance that will help you through some of the hard adjustments.

Edited April 18, 2006 by kerewin21