An I under-reacting?

[JODO 2]

OK my husband has a friend who is an immigrant too and they became very chummy. This friend in turn introduced my husband to other immigrants from my husband's native country. My husband and this friend hang out every Friday and this allows me to hang out with my friends as well when he goes out with this friend.

Well, a few weeks ago my husband stopped going out with this friend and I asked why? He then informed me that this friend had taken him over to his girlfriend's house(the friend is newly married) and he did not feel comfortable with that and morally he did not agree and neither did I!

I then told my husband that he needed to make it crystal clear to that friend that he did not approve and to not put him in that situation ever again! Then I said that staying friends with him was his choice and I respected his judgment.

OK fast forward to last night. I am talking with my husband and he tells me that this friend said that man your wife is cool! and at the time I didn't think anything of it really. So later that night in bed I thought what if this friend thinks I somehow agree with what he did? I don't and I don't condone his behavior and neither does my husband! So now I am feeling like maybe I under-reacted to the initial information. I just did not want my husband to burn bridges and or cut off an outlet for both of us to have "away" time.

[Alex+R 0]

So, what you're actually upset about is your husband hanging out with that guy? (Because who really cares what he says about you.) IMHO, it's best to stay out of the love lives of your friends, but they have a responsibility to not put you in an uncomfortable position. If you know his wife, he needs to understand that you and your husband can't lie to her for him. Other than that, it's other folks' business.

[*JG* 2]

I think you are doing just fine. There is nothing wrong with speaking your mind EVER!

When my husband was my fiance, he had this friend (Neil) who was dating a girl who just happened to live a few miles from my house. I met her one day when I was delivering something to Neil for her. Fast forward a few months and we are celebrating New Year's Eve at a swimming party. Neil is all over this girl he just met. I pulled him aside and said you are my friend through Andre and you drug me into being a friend of your girl's by initiating and allowing contact to continue between us for your own gain. I like her a lot. You will not cheat on her when I am around. If you must, I never want to know about it. I don't agree with it and I won't pretend I do.

My husband has always known my feelings on this issue. His own moral compass guides him same way.

Recently, he met a nice fellow Jamaican guy at a social event. All went well and it looked like they might investigate a friendship. Then, the guy opened his mouth and said he was leaving his wife as soon as he got his green card. That was it......Andre said no thank you to any further contact.

[Nessa 23]

I wouldn't like my husband hanging out with people like that. Bad influence. But I wouldn't forbid him to do so. His friends is his choice.

Even thought you told him it was ok you're allowed to change your mind. Just talk to him and tell him how you feel. It'll be his choice to continue the friendship or not, but at least he'll know you're not comfortable with it.

[mawilson 2,133]

You're over-analyzing things.

Relax. Maybe his wife is ok with his having a girlfriend, did you ever consider that?

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

I am not here to judge my fiancée's friends. I don't judge my own friends either. My friends have to live with their choices, not me. I concern myself with my morals and the actions within my family.

[Sister Fracas 5]

You can be a friend to someone without liking their behavior or the choices they make. I had a friend who cheated on her husband less than a year after they were married (I was her maid of honor), and I thought what she was doing was crappy and cowardly. She had wanted the fairy tale wedding to the guy who worshipped the ground she walked on, and she got it, but what she didn't think about was that it was the real deal and this was going to be forever. Well it wasn't and they divorced a few years later and she eventually married the other guy. At the time we remained friends and I let her know that I thought it wasn't right that she was cheating, that I'd never lie for her but that she ultimately had to make her own choice. We drifted apart, so I don't know if she's still married to the other guy...she probably is.

But anyway... I don't think it's necessary to break ties with someone because they are making some poor decisions. I guess it also depends on how close you are to the person. Where would many of us be if a friend dumped us because of a bad life choice?

[*JG* 2]

You can be a friend to someone without liking their behavior or the choices they make. I had a friend who cheated on her husband less than a year after they were married (I was her maid of honor), and I thought what she was doing was crappy and cowardly. She had wanted the fairy tale wedding to the guy who worshipped the ground she walked on, and she got it, but what she didn't think about was that it was the real deal and this was going to be forever. Well it wasn't and they divorced a few years later and she eventually married the other guy. At the time we remained friends and I let her know that I thought it wasn't right that she was cheating, that I'd never lie for her but that she ultimately had to make her own choice. We drifted apart, so I don't know if she's still married to the other guy...she probably is.

But anyway... I don't think it's necessary to break ties with someone because they are making some poor decisions. I guess it also depends on how close you are to the person. Where would many of us be if a friend dumped us because of a bad life choice?

How far would you go with this? If your best friend was a rapist? A murder? A child molester? All poor decisions. Do you draw the line at all?

How about this scenario.......my husband wants to hang out at the park with some new "friends" he made. They are drug dealers. Do I go along with it or do I voice my opinion? Well, let's see....he's an immigrant with a 2 year conditional green card. I don't care what anyone thinks.....I say it's a bad idea to be associated with drug dealers. His immigration status could very well hinge on a drug related conviction.

I'm sorry; but my friends do reflect my morals and characters. Sure, they all have problems, just as I do. And, we all make bad choices. But, if they are not somewhat similar to me, no, I can't be their friend.

You cannot control someone.....forbid them, as someone said. But, you can point out the obvious and talk about your concerns.

Edited December 4, 2007 by Jomo's girl

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

Cheating is not even remotely in the same category as these offenses you have named. These serious crimes are a little more than "poor decisions". My fiancée and I both have friends that have cheated on their spouses. We don't agree with their decisions, but we aren't going to stop being their friend because of it. Of course, most people draw the line somewhere.

How far would you go with this? If your best friend was a rapist? A murder? A child molester? All poor decisions. Do you draw the line at all?

[Sister Fracas 5]

Cheating is not even remotely in the same category as these offenses you have named. These serious crimes are a little more than "poor decisions". My fiancée and I both have friends that have cheated on their spouses. We don't agree with their decisions, but we aren't going to stop being their friend because of it. Of course, most people draw the line somewhere.

How far would you go with this? If your best friend was a rapist? A murder? A child molester? All poor decisions. Do you draw the line at all?

Thank you Kazan Tiger... I should have known someone would jump all over this. No, I don't put drug dealing, rape, child molesting, or murder in the same category. I would think THAT would be evident... but I guess not... *sigh*

But I guess it's easy if you have perfect friends...

[joelunchbox 0]

OK my husband has a friend who is an immigrant too and they became very chummy. This friend in turn introduced my husband to other immigrants from my husband's native country. My husband and this friend hang out every Friday and this allows me to hang out with my friends as well when he goes out with this friend.

Well, a few weeks ago my husband stopped going out with this friend and I asked why? He then informed me that this friend had taken him over to his girlfriend's house(the friend is newly married) and he did not feel comfortable with that and morally he did not agree and neither did I!

I then told my husband that he needed to make it crystal clear to that friend that he did not approve and to not put him in that situation ever again! Then I said that staying friends with him was his choice and I respected his judgment.

OK fast forward to last night. I am talking with my husband and he tells me that this friend said that man your wife is cool! and at the time I didn't think anything of it really. So later that night in bed I thought what if this friend thinks I somehow agree with what he did? I don't and I don't condone his behavior and neither does my husband! So now I am feeling like maybe I under-reacted to the initial information. I just did not want my husband to burn bridges and or cut off an outlet for both of us to have "away" time.

Talk to your husband. Less "thinking", more "airing".

Personally, and I know I am in the minority, I don't understand boys and girls nights out. My ex and our son did everything together. I know my fiance is looking forward to learning to dance and I am looking forward to learning to dance and I bet her 7 year old daughter will............learn to dance also. And we will ALL go dancing together. In fact, I pity the young man that wants to date our daughter and doesn't dance. gonna be a long night sitting on the sidelines for him.....

When I hear guys/girls night out...I flash to bachelor/bachlorette party visions...too much temptation, not enough restraint.

What are you guys doing together? What couples type activities?? Dance!!

[Welshcookie 17]

But anyway... I don't think it's necessary to break ties with someone because they are making some poor decisions. I guess it also depends on how close you are to the person. Where would many of us be if a friend dumped us because of a bad life choice?

How far would you go with this? If your best friend was a rapist? A murder? A child molester? All poor decisions. Do you draw the line at all?

Whoaaaaaaaaa....way to go right off the subject in hand

[Sister Fracas 5]

Personally, and I know I am in the minority, I don't understand boys and girls nights out. My ex and our son did everything together. I know my fiance is looking forward to learning to dance and I am looking forward to learning to dance and I bet her 7 year old daughter will............learn to dance also. And we will ALL go dancing together. In fact, I pity the young man that wants to date our daughter and doesn't dance. gonna be a long night sitting on the sidelines for him.....

When I hear guys/girls night out...I flash to bachelor/bachlorette party visions...too much temptation, not enough restraint.

What are you guys doing together? What couples type activities?? Dance!!

If you can't go out and NOT feel temptation, something is wrong....

Why should couples have to give up hobbies, sports, and other activities once they get married?

My husband shouldn't have boys cards night (with mostly other married men), he shouldn't play football, I shouldn't have my book club, or monthly afternoon tea with other married women, etc, etc, etc? What if I don't want to see the blow-em-up movie that he wants to or if he doesn't want to see the chick flick that I want to? I can honestly say I don't walk out the door and feel temptation from the first good looking guy that passes by...

[*JG* 2]

Well, in regards to this statement............

But anyway... I don't think it's necessary to break ties with someone because they are making some poor decisions. I guess it also depends on how close you are to the person. Where would many of us be if a friend dumped us because of a bad life choice?

Bad life choices means more then just cheating. All I asked was where do you draw the line on what is just a bad life choice and what is unforgivable as far as friendship goes? Where do you choose to judge someone else. That's what I'm asking.

[MissStacey 1]

You can be a friend to someone without liking their behavior or the choices they make. I had a friend who cheated on her husband less than a year after they were married (I was her maid of honor), and I thought what she was doing was crappy and cowardly. She had wanted the fairy tale wedding to the guy who worshipped the ground she walked on, and she got it, but what she didn't think about was that it was the real deal and this was going to be forever. Well it wasn't and they divorced a few years later and she eventually married the other guy. At the time we remained friends and I let her know that I thought it wasn't right that she was cheating, that I'd never lie for her but that she ultimately had to make her own choice. We drifted apart, so I don't know if she's still married to the other guy...she probably is.

But anyway... I don't think it's necessary to break ties with someone because they are making some poor decisions. I guess it also depends on how close you are to the person. Where would many of us be if a friend dumped us because of a bad life choice?

My ex best friend was the same way. Not only did she cheat on him but she got pregnant and had a few kids that were not his. As far as I know he probably still thinks they are all his children. I haven't talked to her in several years but I did hear they got divorced.