People just dont get it, do they?

[*JG* 2]

Unless they have been through it, they will never understand. People are so accustomed to dating and marrying someone in the same city, that to imagine the horrors of what we go through is just beyond their immagination. They think you can just snap your fingers and it's all said and done.

Don't try to get them to understand or you will just drive yourself crazy. Take what comfort or congratulations they offer and use it as best you can.

Be strong. You can do this. And, I promise when it is all over, it will just be another faded memory that you store away.

[Jasman0717 9]

Well, instead of being silent, why don't you tell them what it's like?

It always blows people's minds when you tell them what it's like for an immigrant to arrive on the legal path. It's a good conversation starter and gives you a chance to blow off some steam.

[Cassie 8]

Well, instead of being silent, why don't you tell them what it's like?

It always blows people's minds when you tell them what it's like for an immigrant to arrive on the legal path. It's a good conversation starter and gives you a chance to blow off some steam.

I agree with that -- I have had the chance to have some good conversations about this topic with family and friends in Canada and here in the States and educate about the process -- particularly to those living here, many of whom thought marriage to a US citizen = automatic citizenship (or an easier path to citizenship). I was also fortunate in that my family was used to "the long wait of immigration" for my cousin's husband, who was becoming a dual Canadian/Australian citizen.

Not many people outside the process will completely "get it", and that's ok, just don't focus in on that so much or you will drive yourself crazy.

[*JG* 2]

Well, you could try that explanation approach. I've found that once I go into detail, people usually get this blank look on their face and say something to the effect of "I don't think I could ever love anyone enough to go through all that."

[LoveMyAussie 0]

Thanks so much for all the support!

Believe me, I *HAVE* gone through the "educating them" route. I guess they are just wrapped up in their own lives so that they don't truly appreciate how hard this whole thing is. I am so glad I found this site, where so many people support one another, because only those of us going through this could ever REALLY understand it all!

Thanks everyone! And thanks to VJ and those who put so much time and energy into making this site so helpful and wonderful!

[Brian & Kathy 0]

For those with family and friends who don't agree with or support your relationship with your foreign fiance(e), I just want to say it is mostly the fear of the unknown. They don't know anything about this person, what their personality it like, how they interact with others or how they treat you. It is difficult for them to know anything about your fiance(a), except what you tell them. Early in the relationship, I gave my mom the email address of my then girlfriend. I am so glad that I did this! It allowed my parents to get to know my dear and they really seemed to get along well. No doubt, it also helped my fiancee's parents feel better about the relationship as well, seeing that we are a strong and tight family. I'd encourage anyone to let your family and friends talk with and meet your fiance(e) too, and they will feel much better about everything!

Yup, it is difficult for others to understand unless they been through it. Understanding will only come from talking with them about the process, the laws and the pain of being away from the one you love. For those who are willing to listen and understand, they are often angry and frustated that the LEGAL immigration process is like this.

Before we became engaged, we tried for the F-1 visa to spend more time together before deciding to marry and for her to pursue more education which she will do regaurdless. She was denied because she already had a similar degree, mind you it was in english instead of business which she wanted to learn. Looking back, it was denied on solid ground, but it hurt. Others just couldn't understand why it was denied, but that's what we have to deal with.

[bora bora 1]

I knew my friend Audrey was a true friend when I told her about our case arriving in Rio and she seemed more excited than I was.

I've been through everything you're discussing here and I understand completely. On the other hand, there are those (like Audrey) who will be as excited and relieved as us - well at least almost as excited .

[Caladan 19]

Today the cable guy came to hook up our internet. He and my husband got to talking, and it came up that C. had recently immigrated, which started the cable guy on his own story of getting his wife here from the Dominican Republic and the problems he had finding a sponsor since all of his income was in the DR while they were waiting. It was fun to see a conversation about immigration where neither side had to explain to the other what a sponsor was.

[rebeccajo 14]

Today the cable guy came to hook up our internet. He and my husband got to talking, and it came up that C. had recently immigrated, which started the cable guy on his own story of getting his wife here from the Dominican Republic and the problems he had finding a sponsor since all of his income was in the DR while they were waiting. It was fun to see a conversation about immigration where neither side had to explain to the other what a sponsor was.

Hahahahaha.........the cable guy!

Since my husband went to work for the local cable company, he has spoken with two people on the phone who are either from his hometown or dating someone who is. Plus he has spoken to MANY from Ireland.

[SMB x2 0]

I think going through this process has made me more aware of other immigration situations as well. My daughter's teacher is currently in Vietnam waiting for her adopted daughter to recieve a visa to bring her back home and I think to myself, I kind of know how she feels trying to bring a loved one here.

My family has been supportive, but they don't really seem to know what's going on, even though I've talked to them about it.

So far, the only people that seem to even have a vague understanding of what Stu and I are (just starting) going through are my best friend and my dad. My dad even surprised me by reading up on as much immigration law as he could, so when I was talking to him last night about EAD's and the process in general, he knew what I was talking about and he knew how long we have to wait without me having to really tell him about it. It was really awesome and made me feel like he really cares about what's going on in my life. I feel gratefull that I have people in my life, who even if they don't "get it" completely, they at least are excited and/or interested about it all and just happy that I'm happy.

It's frustrating when people don't seem to "get it", but like it's been said earlier in this thread, I don't think they will ever fully understand until they go through it themselves. Hang in there!

Shan

[Jaseball 0]

See, when you talk about a specialized topic, especially on the internet in forums people always say how you have to go through the process or situation to really understand or 'get it.'

You have to actually own a Ferrari, fire a gun, have a chronic or terminal illness, get divorced first, go through the Visa process, etc., before you can truly understand or connect with someone.

I disagree. While I feel you have to experience it in person to truly understand and get the nuances, it just takes some research, empathy, and a brain to connect and have a pretty darn good idea what a person in a specific situation is feeling, thinking, or experiencing.

Just like that post above where the father was doing research, remembered a few acronyms, and read up on the process, they quickly connected with their child and could relate.

If someone is considered a good friend or is family you would hope they would truly have interest in your life and wish you well and want to be a part of your life in both good and bad times, but especially in the bad times.

[mox 298]

Well let's be honest too, sometimes we get so wrapped up in this process that each and every little detail becomes extremely important to us, but incomprehensible to anyone else. I remember telling a friend of mine that well after a month of waiting, USCIS had finally cashed my check. He was happy for me because it obviously made me happy, but it was obvious that he thought it wasn't such a big deal. And so unless you really know the process, NOA2 probably doesn't seem like that big a deal either. In a nutshell it pretty much just means somebody proofread it, made a few checks on a computer, and gave it the official okey-dokey to be mailed to another building. Not exactly the stuff that dreams are made of.

Now if your friends aren't excited for you when your fiance has Visa in hand, then something is definitely wrong. But in any case, a good friend will be happy for you just because you're happy, even if they don't understand *exactly* why it is that you're happy.

[Seattle2Cebu 0]

I was told by my friends and family all of those things for my first k-1 and they turned out to be right.. No matter how great you think it is,

believe it or not she can change on you and very quickly, and you wont see it coming. It will happen right

after she has enough paperwork and time here to stay without you: about 2 years.

Of course I have no idea of the percentage that do this. I know of couples who made it just fine. I know

of some that didnt. My first one was a deep disappointment.

Im a gambler, so Im giving it another shot, but my first experience happened so I am not able to reach

the level of trust and enthusiasm I had before. Its not a good thing or a bad thing. It just is.

I have heard that this is all solved by visiting your fiance in her country for an extended period, but

its not the same as your fiance living with you in the states. I dont really know if it will be a succesful

marriage. I do know that we both have to work at it in order for it to be what we want it to be.

I think I have had some much more productive conversations as a result of not living off the emotional

component of "love" and approaching this relationship more from a thinking perspective.

we are all shaped by our own experiences. Its not that much different that marriages that are domestic.

Some are going to work out , and some are not. Of course I want this one to work out. I believe that it will.

At the same time, I know that things can change, and that can be out of my control to do anything about it.

Only time will really tell.

I guess my next comment is that it makes me reconsider what I thought were good friendships, especially the people who could not even be bothered to respond when I called and left a message about it or emailed to tell them the good news!

I definately have made everyone aware of how hard this long wait has been (trying hard not to sound too much like a broken record, though...because no one wants daily updates on how much we miss our sweety)...so it would be hard to imagine that they are somehow ignorant to how hard it has been.

Have you guys noticed changes in your relationships with friends and family due to this whole process? Have you found yourself rethinking those relationships?

I started to re-think some relationships awhile ago before I even started the visa process, so perhaps I have a different perspective.

Do you feel these friends and family treat you different because you fell in love with a foreigner and want to get married? Is there any hint that they feel you are being foolish and too trusting and are being tricked into bring someone in? If you take this process out of the equation do you still regularly communicate and do things with the people in question?

How close are you with these people in their own lives? Could there be major life changes you don't know about in their situations and the relationships have deteriorated to the point where they wouldn't tell you? Are these people married and do they have kids?

It may help to ID if your relationship is part of the issue or if there are other things going on between your family and friends.

It would also help to meet them one on one for a dinner or something and start a conversation with, "Your friendship is very valuable and precious to me, however your distance and lack of enthusiasm over a really important part of my life really hurt me. I would like to talk things out and clear the air and define our current friendship/relationship."

Edited December 3, 2007 by Seattle2Cebu

[Jaseball 0]

I have heard that this is all solved by visiting your fiance in her country for an extended period, but

its not the same as your fiance living with you in the states. I dont really know if it will be a succesful

marriage. I do know that we both have to work at it in order for it to be what we want it to be.

I think I have had some much more productive conversations as a result of not living off the emotional

component of "love" and approaching this relationship more from a thinking perspective.

I admire your gambling spirit.

I too am approaching this from a thinking perspective and have been bombarded with warnings, dire stories, and people flat out telling me it isn't worth the risk of bringing in a foreigner who is probably using me for a green card.

How many of us have been told that some people view marrying a US citizen as winning the lotto? I know my being a US citizen is a factor. It's just how much of a factor, how she views this relationship, how I handle the relationship, and not ignoring warning signs.

Marrying a US citizen as a US citizen is simpler in some areas, but at the same time think of how many of these marriages turn sour, one side changes, and messy divorces ensue. There is never a guarantee.

Going into this thing I know my motives are true. I just want a great person to make a life with who is going to try as hard as I am to make things work and who truly enjoys being together.

If my marriage fails because we screwed up or develop serious issues that is one thing. As long as it wasn't visa and relationship fraud from the get go I'd be ok with things.

[TracyOz 0]

NOPE they don't "get it" and never will - I have become extremely select with who in my circle I talk to about this stuff now, for a couple of reasons.

Firstly LOL... they DONT GET IT... grin... and secondly I realise that I can become pretty passionate about the whole topic and process and length of time etc.. and I know that if I go on about it (their eyes glaze over) so instead I focus on them and what is going on in their worlds etc... and then when the topic turns (as it invariably does) to our situation, I shrug my shoulders and just say "hey in the hands of the US Immigration department .... still waiting, waiting, waiting".... then I go onto something else like how excited I am that Steve is coming over here for Xmas.... or talking about wedding plans and stuff (that they do understand) and then (as a gentle reminder to them LOL) I say something like "wow can you believe that this time next year my kiddos and I will be living over there and won't be here for our little chit/chats".... normally stops them in their tracks a little... but basically I really keep a lot of my excitement (and disappointment/frustration) about this process to a very small handful of people....AND OF COURSE to those here on the VJ board (LOL) cause everyone here not only understands.... but when things like approvals, touches, and interviews etc. come up WE ARE THRILLED and excited for the recipient, cause we DO UNDERSTAND....

have a GREAT day... and keep on smiling... every day that passes now brings you all one day closer together...

Tracy