People just dont get it, do they?

[LoveMyAussie 0]

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry about this little rant....

As you can see by my sig, we just got our NOA2 approval. We've been apart for 5 months already during this stretch, and before that, we were lucky to see each other 2 weeks out of the year for the last 3 years. It is very hard, as many of you know. What is even harder is that this time, we have an infant. We made the agonizing decision, once we found out I was pregnant, to wait till he was born to file the I129f, because we didnt want to take the chance that things would get tied up to the point where it might have been difficult for him to re-enter the US for the birth while our case was pending. So, he's been away from his little baby for the last 5 months.

I know many of you can relate to the pain of simply being away from your sweetie for months and months on end, and I know many of you can also relate to having children separated from one parent for months and months on end.

So, here comes my rant....

After all of this, with friends and family knowing darned well how long we're always separated for, when we finally get some good news (the NOA2 being approved), we barely get any kind of response. A gentle "hey, grats" is about the extent, and some people could not even muster that much!

How can these people claim to care so much about me/us, and see me/us suffer for so long, and not seem to care that this waiting is getting closer to being over?

If people have not been thru this, they simply cannot fathom how painful it is to be separated from the one we love. What's funny is, these same people miss their SO when they go away for a weekend or a week, or they commplain when their SO works too many hours in one week...and I want to say "At least you can see your SO at some point during the week! I've been apart from my SO for 5 months, and last year we were separated for nearly the entire year!". They just cannot fathom it, or do not attempt to think about it I guess?

Anyone else get frustrated at stuff like this?

[Daly 0]

I understand completely what you mean. Like you said though, people really just don't get it. They can't unless they go through it. I think part of that reason is because the slow progress isn't something that is as tangible as say a bank account growing with savings, or the pregnancy bump growing. Also, all the info they get is what we tell them and what they perceive based on whether or not we've got the stiff upper lip.

When people do say that they hate being a few days away from their SO, yes, it does hit a delicate nerve because I think all of us here would easily trade the months we've had for those few days. That being said, if they traded with us... I don't think they'd be doing as well as some of us might are.

As frustrating as it is, once this whole wait is over, it'll be well worth it. And, I think all of us are really lucky that we have this forum where other people go through the same thing.

::pats:: We'll all hang in there. And don't let those people get you down.

[Stibnite 0]

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry about this little rant....

As you can see by my sig, we just got our NOA2 approval. We've been apart for 5 months already during this stretch, and before that, we were lucky to see each other 2 weeks out of the year for the last 3 years. It is very hard, as many of you know. What is even harder is that this time, we have an infant. We made the agonizing decision, once we found out I was pregnant, to wait till he was born to file the I129f, because we didnt want to take the chance that things would get tied up to the point where it might have been difficult for him to re-enter the US for the birth while our case was pending. So, he's been away from his little baby for the last 5 months.

I know many of you can relate to the pain of simply being away from your sweetie for months and months on end, and I know many of you can also relate to having children separated from one parent for months and months on end.

So, here comes my rant....

After all of this, with friends and family knowing darned well how long we're always separated for, when we finally get some good news (the NOA2 being approved), we barely get any kind of response. A gentle "hey, grats" is about the extent, and some people could not even muster that much!

How can these people claim to care so much about me/us, and see me/us suffer for so long, and not seem to care that this waiting is getting closer to being over?

If people have not been thru this, they simply cannot fathom how painful it is to be separated from the one we love. What's funny is, these same people miss their SO when they go away for a weekend or a week, or they commplain when their SO works too many hours in one week...and I want to say "At least you can see your SO at some point during the week! I've been apart from my SO for 5 months, and last year we were separated for nearly the entire year!". They just cannot fathom it, or do not attempt to think about it I guess?

Anyone else get frustrated at stuff like this?

They will never understand it.

They will also never have the amazing bond with their SO that we will.

I was married once before for almost 8 years... and I can say that the most intimate of moments I had with my local ex-wife do not even come CLOSE to comparing to even the casual moments I have had with my filipina fiancee.

It's a completely different world to experience the "true love" sensations that people like ourselves have found.

My advice is not to worry about what others think. Focus on yourself and your SO and worry only about what you think.

In the minds of others, they think only a few thoughts: "Mail-Order", "Desperate", "Crazy." They use these imaginings to cover up their jealousy--which will be further confirmed when you are finally together WITH your SO and they see your happiness for themselves--then they'll wonder why they can't experience the same love the two of you share... full of trust, fidelity, commitment and appreciation!

I look forward to spending the next 50+ years with my mahal.

-Adam and Arlyn

[rebeccajo 14]

Well, instead of being silent, why don't you tell them what it's like?

It always blows people's minds when you tell them what it's like for an immigrant to arrive on the legal path. It's a good conversation starter and gives you a chance to blow off some steam.

[HannahP 119]

Meh. Again, coming from a military family, I can't complain. At least my loved one didn't spend every day with his life hanging in the balance.

[Jaseball 0]

Personally I think many in our society are just concerned and worried about themselves and their own immediate families. There is this ego-centric, narcissistic, lack of concern outside their immediate realm of influence and even if they don't verbalize things they could be thinking, "Well, this concerns or helps ME how?"

However, instead of feeling like a victim or painting others as villains I just step back and adjust my own thoughts and actions. It's hard not to get angry, bitter, or even depressed, but ask yourself this- Do you really want someone to fake happiness for you, feel like it is a chore to spend time with you to chat about things important in your life, or to keep in regular contact?

Remain positive and be happy you found someone special and hope that everything is right and real. Be happy NOA2 arrived and you are further along the road to being reunited. Treat others as you would want to be treated, but be wary of users and people who want to take advantage of you.

[mox 298]

It's hard for "outsiders" to understand the immigration process, especially when there's been so much disinformation in the media about it. I too have a hard time talking with my family about it, although for different reasons. No matter how much I assure them, they keep bringing up the "maybe she's only in it for the green card" thing. My dad and I had a little blowup about it over Thanksgiving. They can't just be happy for us, they have to be suspicious. And while I understand that they're just looking out for my well being, I'd also like for them to just be happy for me and trust that I know what I'm doing. Is that so hard?

Unfortunately, immigration has become a 4-letter word in this country. The illegal immigration debate has become so divisive and so full of misinformation that many Americans have just decided they must all be bad. It's sad, and I hope it changes. But until Americans stop trying to enforce their will and their own values on the rest of the world, I see it just going from bad to worse. I feel for you LoveMyAussie. Our situations are different but stem from the same root cause I think.

Edit: Sorry, mox is feeling grumpy tonight.

Edited December 3, 2007 by mox

[LoveMyAussie 0]

I guess my next comment is that it makes me reconsider what I thought were good friendships, especially the people who could not even be bothered to respond when I called and left a message about it or emailed to tell them the good news!

I definately have made everyone aware of how hard this long wait has been (trying hard not to sound too much like a broken record, though...because no one wants daily updates on how much we miss our sweety)...so it would be hard to imagine that they are somehow ignorant to how hard it has been.

Have you guys noticed changes in your relationships with friends and family due to this whole process? Have you found yourself rethinking those relationships?

[AUBGER 0]

They will never ever understand..

I know perfectly well what you mean. I just try not to think of it and be happy with a simple "We did it!"

So congrats with your NOA2! it's good news and I hope the process will finish soon enough for you guys

[Jaseball 0]

I guess my next comment is that it makes me reconsider what I thought were good friendships, especially the people who could not even be bothered to respond when I called and left a message about it or emailed to tell them the good news!

I definately have made everyone aware of how hard this long wait has been (trying hard not to sound too much like a broken record, though...because no one wants daily updates on how much we miss our sweety)...so it would be hard to imagine that they are somehow ignorant to how hard it has been.

Have you guys noticed changes in your relationships with friends and family due to this whole process? Have you found yourself rethinking those relationships?

I started to re-think some relationships awhile ago before I even started the visa process, so perhaps I have a different perspective.

Do you feel these friends and family treat you different because you fell in love with a foreigner and want to get married? Is there any hint that they feel you are being foolish and too trusting and are being tricked into bring someone in? If you take this process out of the equation do you still regularly communicate and do things with the people in question?

How close are you with these people in their own lives? Could there be major life changes you don't know about in their situations and the relationships have deteriorated to the point where they wouldn't tell you? Are these people married and do they have kids?

It may help to ID if your relationship is part of the issue or if there are other things going on between your family and friends.

It would also help to meet them one on one for a dinner or something and start a conversation with, "Your friendship is very valuable and precious to me, however your distance and lack of enthusiasm over a really important part of my life really hurt me. I would like to talk things out and clear the air and define our current friendship/relationship."

[PlatyPius 5]

I went through the wait myself, but I still couldn't work up more than a "that's great!" for anyone else. That whole self-centered thing. Empathy has never been my strong point.

[StoryAngel 4]

I'm in the same boat. We've been apart for 8 months and we're going to be seeing each other next week - after less than 2 weeks together this year. I'm also only 2 weeks away from my interview so the largest part of the wait for us is over, thankfully. But it has been very hard for people around me to understand what it's like. It's difficult for me not to take it personally when they don't get as excited... but I do think a lot of it is that they genuinely have no idea! The significance of getting NOA2 just doesn't mean much to someone who isn't clued up on the immigration process. I too find myself getting frustrated by the number of people who assume that if you marry a USC it magics you into the country... and when I've explained the K1 process and the waiting involved I've had a few people try and make suggestions on how they think it would be quicker if I did XYZ... As if we were somehow choosing to take a long immigration route and ignoring some quick route! It's hard at that point not to completely lose my rag. But I do try and remember that anyone not familiar with the process simply isn't going to appreciate the milestones along our visa journeys. That's why VJ is such a great place, to share such moments with people who really understand.

[Stibnite 0]

I'm in the same boat. We've been apart for 8 months and we're going to be seeing each other next week - after less than 2 weeks together this year. I'm also only 2 weeks away from my interview so the largest part of the wait for us is over, thankfully. But it has been very hard for people around me to understand what it's like. It's difficult for me not to take it personally when they don't get as excited... but I do think a lot of it is that they genuinely have no idea! The significance of getting NOA2 just doesn't mean much to someone who isn't clued up on the immigration process. I too find myself getting frustrated by the number of people who assume that if you marry a USC it magics you into the country... and when I've explained the K1 process and the waiting involved I've had a few people try and make suggestions on how they think it would be quicker if I did XYZ... As if we were somehow choosing to take a long immigration route and ignoring some quick route! It's hard at that point not to completely lose my rag. But I do try and remember that anyone not familiar with the process simply isn't going to appreciate the milestones along our visa journeys. That's why VJ is such a great place, to share such moments with people who really understand.

This is when you should counter them with something that catches them by surprise!

When they start making XYZ suggestions (proving they have no clue), then you should look at them and say, "Well, I considered taking that route, actually. However, I discovered that by doing so, we would be hit with immigration fraud which would bar my SO from entering the country for 10 years and I would be fined $250,000 and face other charges. Things are so complicated now due to threats of terrorism these days!"

Sometimes they'll look at you with this crazy look--because they simply have no idea of how severe the situation is. Then look at them and tell them, "In order the prepare everything legally and correctly, we just finished sending off this I-129F packet for the K1 Fiancee Visa application process. It was only about 5" thick and full of long tedious documents. Oh, and that's just the first packet! You should see the next four we've got to send out. This is only the begining of the process!"

Just be honest with those willing to listen, and who are caught by surprise by the smallest details. Those people sometimes even want to listen and learn a little about the process. If you say things with confidence, such as above, most of the time they assume you know what you're talking about, and listen. That is why I suggest saying I-129F packet for the K1 Fiancee Visa application process, rather than just Fiancee Visa. It lets them know that you know exactly what you're talking about, and they will not be able to side-track you with statements on a process they know nothing about.

Rather than looking for empathy, sympathy or understanding from these people--try educating them.

They "can't" understand unless they know.

Think of it like this... a football guru sees a touchdown that just won a game by his favorite team ... he might fall down in the bleechers screaming so loud that he loses his hotdog and drink, and spills it on his screaming neighbor--and neither of them care! Their team just WON!

...however, the visitor who knows nothing about football, or the team, walks by and sees everyone screaming, and has no clue why, nor does this visitor care, because he knows nothing of the situation. Instead, he will think everyone is a little looney for screaming and yelling over something so trivial. He has no idea how close the game was, or how hard the athletes worked to make the comeback win in the final seconds.

People standing outside of our Visa process view us the same way. We get our NOA2 notice, and we scream and dance around our homes and are like glitter for the next few days at work and in public--but those outside looking in have no idea why, and just think we've either won something or are crazy.

Look at it from their viewpoint before judging them, and think of ways to educate them on the process that won't bore them or turn them away from you further.

B)

Edited December 3, 2007 by Stibnite

[Stibnite 0]

Something else I will add to this since I can't edit the post now...

...however, the visitor who knows nothing about football, or the team, walks by and sees everyone screaming, and has no clue why, nor does this visitor care, because he knows nothing of the situation. Instead, he will think everyone is a little looney for screaming and yelling over something so trivial. He has no idea how close the game was, or how hard the athletes worked to make the comeback win in the final seconds.

(Nor did he spend any money purchasing tickets and travelling 1200 miles across the nation to be there for his visiting team all year long. The visitor knows nothing of the committment and investments and support the football guru has given. Remind you of us at all?

[Caladan 19]

Well, instead of being silent, why don't you tell them what it's like?

It always blows people's minds when you tell them what it's like for an immigrant to arrive on the legal path. It's a good conversation starter and gives you a chance to blow off some steam.

So true. My parents still can't believe that so much went into the process. Plus, it's good for people to be informed; otherwise they tend to think that immigration 'reforms' only affect "illegal Mexicans", like the commenters on the NYT post who read about someone's struggles to bring his fiance here and cheerfully responded, 'don't blame the government! you should just get married and then you wouldn't have to deal with any of this.'