Goodbye

[JenT 0]

She must have decided not to close her account:

Last Seen: Today, 10:36 AM

[Ta Ta 1]

My response was directed at idocare, I forgot to quote it properly.

[*JG* 2]

Your response is overkill. You may feel the need to project your own heartache here but at this time Heather and her husband are

working things through and encouragement for their adjustment period would be more appropriate than your transference and projection.

The Nigerian bashing is getting old. How many times must it be said that NOT ALL Nigerians are scammers and a majority are wonderful people ?

I agree with you to a point here. I think this person definately spoke out of line. However, the fact that the initial poster's husband seems to be controlling her by spying on her, getting angry with her, and then making her life hell after for it is definately a point of concern.

[JenT 0]

Your response is overkill. You may feel the need to project your own heartache here but at this time Heather and her husband are

working things through and encouragement for their adjustment period would be more appropriate than your transference and projection.

The Nigerian bashing is getting old. How many times must it be said that NOT ALL Nigerians are scammers and a majority are wonderful people ?

I agree with you to a point here. I think this person definately spoke out of line. However, the fact that the initial poster's husband seems to be controlling her by spying on her, getting angry with her, and then making her life hell after for it is definately a point of concern.

[Jasman0717 9]

She must have decided not to close her account:

Last Seen: Today, 10:36 AM

Maybe they are posting together

[BESANGIN 0]

Heather,

I am one of the couples that idocare spoke of. Although my marriage failed, I harbor no resentment towards all nigerian men, nor do i believe that all are out to scam. I just want to encourage you to do all that you can to work things out with your husband, but at the same time do not lose who you are in the process. If your marriage is from God this bump will be only temporary, and if not it will crumble. That is not said to be offensive or pessimistic, but to give you hope that real love that God gives endures the worst of times. So don't sweat it. BUT, if this man is changing who you are as a person and that change is not for the better, than my sister you need to reach down to the depths of your soul and find the woman that you were when you met him, and never let her go! If he loved her enough to give her his name then he needs to be a man and build her up even more. I want to say this to you Justice, "God don't like ugly, and you can have the attitude that you the man in America and think you can ball on your own or if you can easily forget that you are where you are because of the sacrifices of your wife, then let me tell you playa playa it will not take long for you to crash and burn. It is a statistical FACT that online and long distance relationships fail. Even more so when you add cultural and racial differences. If you love each other, then you be in that relationship and ask yourself every single day, what can I do to build up my spouse today? Embrace each others differences, and learn to tolerate. You cannot be selfish, and unreliable in a marriage. So you want to be a man, then be a REAL one at the heart level and not one on the surface! Oh if I had known the things that I had learned before I said I do. If I had found this site before I said I do. I would not have married my EX in the first place. But because I didn't believe in divorce I tried to stick it out, but I became a woman that I did not like or recognize with him, so I had to carry my behind to the laundromat and clean it up. So any chance I get to depart some helpful advice I will, and if that don't work, I have plenty of hugs, love and prayer to give out if it just doesn't work out. but both of you have to be willing to humble yourselves. As for Idocare, I feel and know your pain, but you have to accept responsibility for your part in the deception and move on. There is nothing in this world that you can do to your EX worse than God can do. So leave him to God, and go enjoy life again. You got the best part of that man relish in that miracle. I bet he's growin' like a weed too!

[idocare 3]

Hey Bensagin,

Girl glad to see that you are still you !!!! But now all washed up and ready to do you. Congrats ont that, I'm happy that you have moved on. In my case I have it in my mind that faith without works is dead. So far Victor Jr. father remains here. I'm working on changing that. It may happen it may not. There are some instances where you can't simply turn the other cheek.

Omoba, you can call it what you want , but I.m telling the truth , and speaking of my own experience and some of those that went thru the journey with me. NOT ALL NIGERIANS ARE BAD PEOPLE. The hospital in Nigeria where my ex-husband was a doctor the people where wonderful towards me, as was his family, as was people we met on the street, at the beach and other places we went during my short stay in Nigeria.

I can't bash all Nigerians becasuse I don't know all Nigerians, but what I do know is that Nigerians will even get over on there own if given the opportunity. My ex used to say when a Nigerian did another Nigerian wrong, what do u expect, your dealing with another Nigerian. He even mentioned how corrupt Nigerians could be in our divorce trail, it was sickening to hear him boast.

Omoba, you can't tell me where to post or what to post or what's exceptable or what's not. Maybe Heather and others needs to hear some of what I posted. When I first filed my L-129 papers and others that went thru the journey before me and even other Nigerians that r now here in America told me to be cautious, I too ignored them cause I knew my fiance loved me and loved God. But I didn't wake up until problems like Heather is describing started. but he was already here and then finally the light came on that there is nothing I can do to make this man happy. That's when you realize that u have been used.

Like Bensangin said, IF YOUR MARRIAGE IS MAKING U A WORSE PERSON AND CHANGING U FOR THE WORST , THEN U HAVE DECISIONS TO MAKE, and that's where Heather is now.

I don't wish for anyone's relationship to go bad, but I do wish for every American women and man to step up to the plate and battle for deportation of the one's that scammed them, and Omoba if u like it or not I will continue to testify and shed light on my experience.

Omoba, your like a replica of me back in 2004 and I wish you all the best. But in case your journey and others dont end as planned I hope you use that same energy and fight for your spouse's deportation instead of laying down and claiming defeat.

One stranger in a Nigerian chat room told me that I should give it up if he's here the scam is over and that he already used me, but let me tell you, I fought hard to get this man here with me and he scammed me , so now I feel I need to dig down even harder and see his deportation thru, it may take years who know, but I have been to Nigeria twice, and I do see why people want to leave especially professionals like my ex-husband who was a doctor there in Nigeria, but to use someone in the process and try to make them appear as an abrusive person is unacceptable and worth taking a stance.

[Dakine 26]

There are scammers in every country BIGTIME now.

More and more daily as people learn to use computers.

Saw it was projected there will be something like 10 million new PC users in the Philippines next year.

To me it gets down to people spending more time with a potential mate in their homeland and getting to know them better.

Going for one trip for a couple weeks after a long time online isn't "hacking" it much anymore.

Good scammers have a few potentials going at the same time online.

Even have more than one visit them.

Dumb and horny ones lose/win?

[~krakatoa~ 27]

No offense to the OP but how do you close your VJ account? I wanted to do that a long time ago but now I can't.

I am hooked!

[Ta Ta 1]

Idocare, I stand by my post in response to your post.

I know Heather outside of VJ , she has become a friend to me, therefore it is my opinion that encouragement is needed

at this time and not fear and doubt.

She is a big girl and well aware of the things you mention , as most of us are on this site. We all know the dark side without constantly having to be reminded during the time of adjustment.

You speak doubt into her relationship and I speak life into it. You speak of fear and gloom and doom and I chose to uplift and

strengthen.

You say faith without works is dead.........the work Christ had in mind is always positive, never revengeful, faith in the good report.

As long as a marriage can be salvaged it must be encouraged. Heather will know when or if to call it quits on her own.

Professional counseling is a good ' work ' and faith in healing sustains it.

I went through hell with a previous marriage with an American and have learned to not be revengeful and let it go and let God take care of

it.

Well, a few days ago I found out that he is dying of cancer and I am so glad that I had stopped my vengeful talk about him long ago.

He is the father of my children. They love him. His destiny is in God's hands. I pray for him everyday. He may die in 6 months. Life is short.

I advice you to focus your energy on things that are more important than wasting energy on getting your ex deported. Leave it alone and let the USCIS handle it.

I know a woman who after 15 years still is vengeful towards her ex.....no one can stand to be around her hatred and bitterness.

It takes a lot of maturity and growth to let it go. It is better for your health to let it go. One is truly healed from the wounds if one can let it go.

Post what you want to post, that is your right. it is mine to do the same.

I do not want people to walk in fear and anticipating evil when it is yet time to salvage a relationship.

I also dated a Nigerian. he is a good man, we did not work out for other reasons.

I do know what I am talking about. I have lived life and learned. Allow God to handle you ex's fate and destiny and free yourself of the bitterness.

It will engulf you and suffocate the life out of you. Revenge is mine saith the Lord !

Peace

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Idocaree, i would like to see you continue to post your store. I know 2 Nigerian men that are married here in Maine under false pretenses. I have met a couple Nigerian men on line that tried to dupe me, but were busted. one even sent me flowers one timeand a teddy bear, probably with a stolen credit card number. I have a memory like an elephant. He was busted on an age question. Then there was my sons father AMERICAN who pulled the same stuff. Those where the type of people I invited into my life back then. They hunted me down and said the right stuff. How can so much intelligence be wasted on hurting people instead of helping people. That was my emotional well being at the time. if i didn't grow and find god, i would ave continued to attract the same men into my life.

If Idocare's story can save 1 women from heart ache and hassle a year, god bless you. You are here still posting for a reason. You experienced what you did to help others. Please keep posting. Type your whole story. Look back for all the clues and different ways he requested money. Then cut and past that story every time there is a new person that joins with a husband from a 3rd world country. I have already heard a few mentions of sending money to them for sick family member and because he has it so hard, while women pay for the process to get them here. He made it there without you before, they are resourceful people he will make till he makes it to America. Think of all the money he spent in those Internet café's trying to meet you on line. The cafe's are not cheap by any means.

If you are confident in who you are, in what you are doing, and you walk through life by the grace of god anything idocare is saying should not bother you.

<Isa 54:4 Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.>

God is telling the single woman and us not to be ashamed about what we are believing, about Elijah really coming for us. God is saying don't let the naysayers try to put you to shame for your faith in this truth; one which many have never even heard of - the fact that God is sending Elijah as a single man to join with a single woman on earth and be the Two Witnesses.

If are ashamed to tell people your story, you do not trust your story. If you are ashamed that you are sending him money, you do not trust why you are sending him money. if you do not trust him, you do not trust you. if you are unsure about him, you are unsure about YOU. So if this is the case stop what you are doing and get sure about yourself first.

But if you walk in faith of the Lord and Savior, you will never listen to the naysayers or have shame of your actions.

Now with that said. My mail friend who warned be about other Nigerians fixed me up with my husband. hhhmmmm should i trust this???? Well first my friend fixed us up because I had become a born again Christian and my husband was a pastor. his credentials and passport state. please trust the i check every detail out. That is why he considered fixing us up. Then I did not pay for my sons and I passports. I did not pay for our immunizations shots. I did not pay for our plain tickets. i did not pay to stay at the top of the Sheraton hotel at $500 a night. I did not pay for our wedding attire or the wedding. I did not pay a penny for the flight to Abuja or the hotel stay at the Sheraton in Abuja. I did not pay for our wedding video, professional photographer, or the native food or the American restaurant at the hotels or my launry to be cleaned before i cam home. i have not paid one fee or for the lawyer that has did all my work, which is why i still do not know the proccess. I paid for our drivers family to travel to badagry with us. I did lots of tipping the traditional American way. Boy did I love to see the smile on these people faces and the appreciation and true gratitude. i gaveto the church and the church in my picture in badagry. My husband had trouble with the tipping the American way.

Do I have doubt about our relationship. Sometimes i do, because i do not think he is fruitful enough with his time and he thinks more about making money in america then how he can help people. i said it. those are my doubt. i think that is his cultural differences, but will that be acceptable for me.

idocare, please trust that God will take care of your wronger doers. God has promised us He will deliver us when adversity strikes (Deuteronomy 31:8, Isaiah 63:9, Psalm 94:17-19, Proverbs 18:10, II Thessalonians 3:3, Hebrews 13:5-6, Jude :24-25). Problems won't be so devastating when we are close to Jesus Christ. They will actually help us grow (Romans 5:2-5). We want God's Spirit in us so we can help others rebuild their lives. We are told in Galatians 6:7-8 and Job 4:8 those who cause problems will have the same thing happen to them. You know the quote, "what goes around comes around." We truly reap what we sow. I John 3:10 points out that we aren't living in righteousness if we treat others unkindly.

he will never be happy until he does right by god and humanity. until then please trust that his time is done. he might smile for a minute, laugh for a minute, but when he goes to bed at night he has to lie with himself and only drugs and alcohol can heal thatpain

God bless us all and in our time of need.

Amen

Hey Bensagin,

Girl glad to see that you are still you !!!! But now all washed up and ready to do you. Congrats ont that, I'm happy that you have moved on. In my case I have it in my mind that faith without works is dead. So far Victor Jr. father remains here. I'm working on changing that. It may happen it may not. There are some instances where you can't simply turn the other cheek.

Omoba, you can call it what you want , but I.m telling the truth , and speaking of my own experience and some of those that went thru the journey with me. NOT ALL NIGERIANS ARE BAD PEOPLE. The hospital in Nigeria where my ex-husband was a doctor the people where wonderful towards me, as was his family, as was people we met on the street, at the beach and other places we went during my short stay in Nigeria.

I can't bash all Nigerians becasuse I don't know all Nigerians, but what I do know is that Nigerians will even get over on there own if given the opportunity. My ex used to say when a Nigerian did another Nigerian wrong, what do u expect, your dealing with another Nigerian. He even mentioned how corrupt Nigerians could be in our divorce trail, it was sickening to hear him boast.

Omoba, you can't tell me where to post or what to post or what's exceptable or what's not. Maybe Heather and others needs to hear some of what I posted. When I first filed my L-129 papers and others that went thru the journey before me and even other Nigerians that r now here in America told me to be cautious, I too ignored them cause I knew my fiance loved me and loved God. But I didn't wake up until problems like Heather is describing started. but he was already here and then finally the light came on that there is nothing I can do to make this man happy. That's when you realize that u have been used.

Like Bensangin said, IF YOUR MARRIAGE IS MAKING U A WORSE PERSON AND CHANGING U FOR THE WORST , THEN U HAVE DECISIONS TO MAKE, and that's where Heather is now.

I don't wish for anyone's relationship to go bad, but I do wish for every American women and man to step up to the plate and battle for deportation of the one's that scammed them, and Omoba if u like it or not I will continue to testify and shed light on my experience.

Omoba, your like a replica of me back in 2004 and I wish you all the best. But in case your journey and others dont end as planned I hope you use that same energy and fight for your spouse's deportation instead of laying down and claiming defeat.

One stranger in a Nigerian chat room told me that I should give it up if he's here the scam is over and that he already used me, but let me tell you, I fought hard to get this man here with me and he scammed me , so now I feel I need to dig down even harder and see his deportation thru, it may take years who know, but I have been to Nigeria twice, and I do see why people want to leave especially professionals like my ex-husband who was a doctor there in Nigeria, but to use someone in the process and try to make them appear as an abrusive person is unacceptable and worth taking a stance.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

heather,

your husband is trying to manipulate and control you, because he can. he has to manipulate and control you so youdo not find out who he realy is. people who try to change our thoughts loose our conections(visa journey, family, andfriens) are afraid you will discover the real him. do not think his actions are jelousy out of love, he is trying to control you into submission. it worked becasue youwere going to close down your account. many times women or men confuse the inlaws fighting as just that they are fighting over my love thing. wrong, one side knowsthe truthe about the person and the other side is preventing them from telling you by creating drama in your life. who can see all the truth through allthe fighting in drama. distracts from what is really going on inside our minds and hearts. prevents us from seeing the situation clearily. makes us forget what the real problem is because the drama got so out of hand.

now american men do the same darn thing. this is not a nigerian thing this is a i am not worthy, please do not find me out thing. Why is your husband not worthy? could be the GC thing, could be he is not secure with who he is.

what do you stand for inlife? does he stand for the same things?

Well, I have to say goodbye to everyone, I will be closing my account after this to there is no need for a response from anyone, I just wanted to give an explanation to my disapearance. Everytime I post on VJ my husband will later snoop and read what I posted, he will find a way to twist my posts and use them against me. The latest one being my post on the "M word" topic. He now says that I am still in love with my ex and my life is now hell again. I am sure that he will read this too. What does it matter anymore, he will make his own asumptions about what he reads and come to his own conclusions and to him it will be gospel.

I want to thank everyone who has helped me along the way, and supported me when I needed it. Good Luck to those who are on your journey.

Good Bye...

[Ta Ta 1]

Sigh, going into a relationship without trust and constantly looking for negativity and doubt is not healthy.

Get to know your man well and then either trust and marry or don't if you see flags.

It must be a chore constantly second guessing your mate.

Not my style.

We have to agree to disagree.

[BESANGIN 0]

You all make valid points on this very controversial subject. It all boils down to people doing what they want to do that is why I only give advice based on improving the situation or empowering the "injured" person to be strong and not lose heart. Plus all people are not the same so the situations can resemble the same, but outcomes will be different.

MrsJibowu, you were very SMART to keep your money to yourself!! As woman we fall into that trap of believing that we are wrong or GOLD DIGGERS for expecting men to be men. Damnit if you want to be the head of the household, then take care of your WOMAN AND YOUR FAMILY!!! I don't care if you have to work 2 or three jobs to do it. That's what you are called to do biblically and your pride definitely calls you to do it because you want to be in control. That is one thing that hit me like a ton a bricks was being left with all the debt I incurred to get him here and sustain him there, and believe me, when I was on the brink of losing my house, I was ALONE fighting to save it. He was off trying to be the BIG SINGLE MAN in America. But OH how God turned the tables and heard my cries. I said before, HE DON'T LIKE UGLY!!!!!!!!

My new motto now is you gotta pay to play in my workshop!!!!! Meaning love is NOT enough to endure a marriage!!!! I repeat LOVE is NOT enough to endure a marriage. BUILD FOUNDATIONS PEOPLE!!!!! And a 2 week trip to NIgeria or wherever is not gonna cut that. I have learned that I have to let a man prove himself worthy to be a husband and father, and women have to do the same. But if you have to provide for your man and you ain't even married yet and living in a real household together, then my sister, you DO NOT have a PRIZE. That charactersitic is not going to mysteriously appear when he comes to AMerica. That is a learned behavior that is taught and adapted early on. Another lesson I learned the hard way. SO if Oh Boy is spending half the day chatting with you when he should be working, then chances are fishing for a greencard bride IS his job. Now if I'm lying I'm dying. I learned after the fact that hard working men in NIgeria taking care of their families do NOT have time to be in Cyber Cafe's all day unless he's rich and the boss, and in that case he would be on the internet in his office or home.

So since I am on the singles scene again, I've adapted a few principles to live by this time.

1. If you are trying to holla at me from a foreign country, and you can't fund your way here for a date: KEEP IT MOVIN"!!!!!!!!!!!

2. If you live with your momma, and your car cost more than your house or her house: KEEP IT MOVIN'

3. If you claim to be a Christian, but keep askin' for sex: KEEP IT MOVIN!!!!!!

4. If you collect disability but still make babies but don't educate yourself for a less PHYSICALLY Taxing career: KEEP IT MOVING!!!!

5. If you don't have a green card or citizenship: KEEP IT MOVING!!!!

6. IF you are unemployed: KEEP IT MOVING

7. If you can't form a complete sentence: KEEP IT MOVING!!!!!

8. If you have babies by more than one woman: KEEP IT MOVING!!!!!

9. If you cannot manage your money well: KEEP IT MOVING!!!!!!!

10. If you are allergic to honesty, fatihfulness, WORK, humility and reliability then: KEEP YO A$$ MOVING!!!!!!

These may seem materialistic and shallow to you, but I believe society has conditioned us to believe that we have to settle for things in our men, and I for one will not do it again. I would rather be alone and SANE than with someone and miserable. Hope I parted some wise advice as well as a laugh or two. Peace out people.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

A man is not a victim of his circumstance! A man circumstances reveal him!

Dr. Wayne Dyer

1. That is so true about the cyber café

2. There are working people in Nigeria. They are working and taking care of there family.

3. If your man dressed real nice when you visited, but claims poverty. That should be a sign right there that his priorities are mixed up.

4. if he sent you any gifts at the inception of you meeting, and is claiming that he is broke there is something wrong with that picture. Do you know how expensive it is to send a package to the us from Africa? Probably shipped so he could have a receipt to prove the inception of the relationship.

i am not here to make you doubt. like i said before, if you believe in you, god, and him you are all set. Do not let the naysayers bring you down. But if you are down and i got you wondering, then i hope i have helped someone.

there are some amazing wonderful people in this site. you have to be to make a commitment of such magnitude and expense. But please remember us kind and trusting people can become victimized.

if you are in doubt question him. do not be afraid to hurt his feelings. an understanding man would understand how a situation might make you doubt his intentions. if he gets mad at you, girl run, put your wallet away and lock your doors. even if he thinks he loves you, he doesn't know how to now, nor will he when he gets to the US.

I have imence respect for these ladies for sharing their personal stories. WOW i applaud your courage.