How many of you really know and understand

[polarbear 0]

There is alot more for me to learn about his culture, and there is alot for him to learn as well (despite what he might think)

My SO thinks it just going to be like France. Add that to what he picked up from TV and he has a really bizarre idea of what it's going to be like. I also told him it's a 2-3 hour flight to go see my mom (Kentucky, middle of the country) and he thought that was sooo far and wow isn't the US big.... .... yeah, that's only halfway, it's 8-9 hrs to get to California, and that's equivalent to going to Europe. Oh well, too late now we'll just see how he deals with it when he gets here.

I really think the hardest part for both of us is going to be learning to live together. We've spent 1-2 weeks in the same household, but not as a married couple and it's not the same thing at all.

[allousa 1]

Our situation is different than most because I met my husband while he was here in the States and had already lived here for a few years working and going to school. I remember him telling me about the first time that he came to America. He thought all of America looked like New York or Hollywood. His very first night here in the States was spent in a hotel room by the airport near JFK because his flight had been cancelled or delayed until the next morning. He was so disappointed that America wasn't what he'd seen on TV and that he really learned from that moment on.

Even though he was very westernized by the time that we met, he was still so culturally different than me. I had dated Middle Eastern men before but never as serious as Hicham. We really had alot of arguments before we ever got married about our differences. We have had to learn to make many compromises on both parts over the last several years. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for those couples whose SOs are "fresh" from their countries if you know what I mean.

Also, let me add that both Hicham and I feel like fish out of water now. He has become so accustomed to the Western lifestyle that he feels out of place living in Morocco the last four years. For myself, I have learned so much from him and his family and have tried to teach my son ME customs as well, that I at times feel out of place in the States myself. I really can understand how difficult it is for some husband's to adjust and miss their families and their cultures, but it is always different when they go back. Remember....the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side!!!

Learning to listen to each other with an open heart and an open mind is the way to survive these differences. The best advice a family member ever gave me is to always talk to or treat other people as I would want to be treated.

[Nutty 2]

so many people wish and fight to come to america but i don't think many are really meant to live and be a part of this culture.

I am starting to think my husband is like this - I think so many people in developing countries have this general idea of 'America' or 'the west' but don't have any real concept of what life is like here and what changes they may have to make to adjust, any more than a typical sheltered suburbanite American can imagine what it is like living in Kathmandu or Casablanca(I had a conversation with my mom yesterday and she seemed to have this idea that KTM was something like Fresno...) I am curious how many VJers' SOs come from an urban, more cosmopolitan background as opposed to a traditional village lifestyle - my husband's family had just recently moved to KTM before meeting me and to them it was 'the big city' - the time when my FIL met me was the first time he had ever eaten in a restaurant. I don't know if I can picture Govi in NYC, which is scary even for a lot of Americans...

For this reason and others I am thinking of going to Nepal for a couple of years instead of filing for the visa now - I want to understand Govi's own family situation better and see where he is coming from, also I think some more time spent together as a married couple under the same roof will hopefully negate our big red flags. I am thinking also it will be much easier to do DCF and he will be able to work as soon as he comes to the US.

Customs and concepts of cleanliness - I don't think anything can be more complicated than dealing with Nepali Brahmins/Chhetris and the concept of 'jutho(unclean)' - the strictest ones will not even eat in the same room as someone(like a foreigner) who they see as 'jutho' - my ex's family was like this -to them I was basically an animal. Govi's family is obviously not like this strict, thank God, but

there are still some things I needed to learn. One time we were riding in a microbus and the woman in the seat ahead of me was rinsing her hands outside the window using a bottle of water, a few drops of water blew in the window at me and Govi asked her to stop doing it. It was hot, no AC of course and I didn't really mind but Govi said it was 'jutho' because she had been drinking out of the bottle earlier.

The little jugs in the bathroom - LOL... I honestly wonder if Govi has ever used toilet paper - it isn't something I asked . It might be a learning experience for him just like when I first learned to use an Asian toilet...

I agree with you that many foreigners have a one dimensional view of the US. That is great and wonderful and that once they come here all their problems will vanish.

I lived (hope to live there again soon) primarily in North India in a place called Manali (2000 meters high in the himalayas like Nepal). I know what you mean that you have to convince people that the US ain't all it's cracked up to be and that what they see on tv isn't what it is really like here. I often counter with them, "Well, people in the US think all Indians start singing and dancing like Bollywood at a drop of a hat. So when am I going to see some of you start dancing?" I also am very familiar Brahmins and the concept of "jutha" or "jutho."

I think the one thing my husband does not understand is how frenetic the pace of life is here. I am working 50 hours a week and I am dead exhausted. My husband works full time too, but in Iran it just seems like everything is a slower there. More relaxed.

[mybackpages 0]

I think the one thing my husband does not understand is how frenetic the pace of life is here. I am working 50 hours a week and I am dead exhausted. My husband works full time too, but in Iran it just seems like everything is a slower there. More relaxed.

There may be no greater generalization about life in the US than this. The other day my husband met a Moroccan who came here 20 years ago on a student visa. He asked my husband how long has he been here (since last Feb) and offered one piece of advice: Time goes quickly here. Don't make the mistake of forgeting to live.

[sarah and hicham 3]

I think the one thing my husband does not understand is how frenetic the pace of life is here. I am working 50 hours a week and I am dead exhausted. My husband works full time too, but in Iran it just seems like everything is a slower there. More relaxed.

There may be no greater generalization about life in the US than this. The other day my husband met a Moroccan who came here 20 years ago on a student visa. He asked my husband how long has he been here (since last Feb) and offered one piece of advice: Time goes quickly here. Don't make the mistake of forgeting to live.

Hicham says that all the time. He says that time goes so fast here and days, weeks, months, years (1 year) pass by so quickly.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

My husband was convinced he understood the culture in the US before he came here--Ha!

It has been a long, slow adjustment for him (about 2 1/2 years now). I'm not sure when or if he will finally be comfortable here. He often surprises me with how little he has been exposed to...in large part because he doesn't want to do new things. He can be quite obstinate at times. On the other hand. he can still be delighted by the small things. For example, he just discovered that there are pet stores that actually sell animals!

My biggest frustration has been his insistance on learning things the hard way...why can't he just learn from MY experience?!

Ah, the joys of international marriages! (L)

Carolyn

my husband is not here yet but he did not seem to understand "buying" a cat. He said in his neighborhood cats are walking all over and very pretty and in the garbage.. He did not seem to understand the concept of going to a store and BUYING a cat...I think it will be a very big adjustment for him.. but I love him so much and at least I have been there to Algeria multiple times and kind of understand his city and where he is from....

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Moroccan culture is natural to me; I've lived there on and off all my life. In fact, I feel like an outsider in the US, and I know my husband will. We already plan to leave the US as soon as we accomplish some goals we have here. However, cultures tend to be dynamic, so Moroccan culture is changing, too. There is always something new to get used to, no matter where you live.

[deadbird 2]

my husband is not here yet but he did not seem to understand "buying" a cat. He said in his neighborhood cats are walking all over and very pretty and in the garbage.. He did not seem to understand the concept of going to a store and BUYING a cat...I think it will be a very big adjustment for him.. but I love him so much and at least I have been there to Algeria multiple times and kind of understand his city and where he is from....

I understand buying cats but I can't justify buying them...all of my cats have been either strays or rescues.

And Ramy is SLOWLY warming up to my mother's cat.

Ramy is surprised at how much I understand about his culture, but there are times where I only think I understand and I'm completely wrong. We learned quickly while shopping for used cars that I'd better keep my mouth shut or else I'll screw up any haggling he attempts

[PetraPerson101 0]

I've grown up the culture. So, I guess I don't count. The only thing I could think of - is that we're a bit less ... how can you put it - laid back & social? Here in the USA that is.

So that's going to be a change. Other than that - hmm ... nothing big.

Except I do a lot less talking than I do typing. [Yep, I'm normally silent. Mostly. I've even felt the need to explain at times {in Jordan} - "You know ... I'm always quiet like this ... it's not like I'm upset or anything ... I just ... don't talk."]

[Nasturtium 500]

I've even felt the need to explain at times {in Jordan} - "You know ... I'm always quiet like this ... it's not like I'm upset or anything ... I just ... don't talk."]

Followed by.. no, I'm not sick. I am fine. I am. I'm fine. I was fine until you started badgering me for the past 45 minutes.

[Imua 0]

I've grown up the culture. So, I guess I don't count. The only thing I could think of - is that we're a bit less ... how can you put it - laid back & social? Here in the USA that is.

So that's going to be a change. Other than that - hmm ... nothing big.

Except I do a lot less talking than I do typing. [Yep, I'm normally silent. Mostly. I've even felt the need to explain at times {in Jordan} - "You know ... I'm always quiet like this ... it's not like I'm upset or anything ... I just ... don't talk."]

LOL I am the same way, fortunately so is my hubby - he is very shy and quiet, so his family is used to it

I've even felt the need to explain at times {in Jordan} - "You know ... I'm always quiet like this ... it's not like I'm upset or anything ... I just ... don't talk."]

Followed by.. no, I'm not sick. I am fine. I am. I'm fine. I was fine until you started badgering me for the past 45 minutes.

[polarbear 0]

I've even felt the need to explain at times {in Jordan} - "You know ... I'm always quiet like this ... it's not like I'm upset or anything ... I just ... don't talk."]

Followed by.. no, I'm not sick. I am fine. I am. I'm fine. I was fine until you started badgering me for the past 45 minutes.

LOL

For some reason, I feel like they are always telling me to eat, that I don't eat enough, and I eat like an infant!

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

For some reason, I feel like they are always telling me to eat, that I don't eat enough, and I eat like an infant!

This is just proper etiquette in the Arab culture. It doesn't really have anything to do with how much or how little you have eaten; it is the courteous way of encouraging you to help yourself to all you want. Arab hospitality is very generous. Often, something will be offered over and over until you refuse it repeatedly. This is their polite way of ensuring that you're not just being shy or afraid to appear greedy. It is considered very rude in Arab culture to not make sure your guests are "well fed and well beveraged" -- even to the point of satiation.

You just have to be patient and keep smiling and saying "no thanks" if you've had enough. Lavish compliments on the food and hospitality should also be extended.

-MK

[sereia 0]

the first time i went to my husbands house...i complimented his mother on her tea pot and asked her where i could buy a similar one...so she ran to the back with it, cleaned it out, wrapped it in bubble wrap, and gave it to me! boy did i feel guilty!! i just meant to say it was nice and to show me where to buy my own!

[ya falaha! 0]

Also, Egyptians in particular have a habit of refusing things at first even if they actually want them. To them, refusing initially is proper etiquette. They offer food and other offerings multiple times to make sure if you really want them. My husband has had to clarify on a few occasions that Americans generally will accept things right away if they are wanted.

Edited November 29, 2007 by moody