How many of you really know and understand

[Nutty 2]

I was wondering because I noticed some people often talk about how their having to "adjust" to their newly arrived spouses habits (of what was normal back home).

I spent a lot of time in Kashmir and understand a lot of that culture. I also lived with my husband in Iran.

So I kinda know what I am in for when he comes to the US.

[sara535 15]

I am still learning every day but hey, so is he..

I dont think my spouse knew or understood much about my culture either; reality is a far cry from TV shows and movies which were his only exposure prior to getting here.

I try to look at all our experiences as an adventure, we are both enriched by what we learn from the other. Thanksgiving has always been a favorite holiday of mine and now his too, but I cant quite get him enthused about the Black Friday shopping yet

[MrsAmera 41]

Agreed, even if you know the other spouses culture that doesn't prepare for when they come here. It's a shock for them and that's where the adjustment comes in. Knowing their reactions, likes, dislikes etc in their home culture is one thing it's a far cry from the new experience in the US.

[amal 4]

I completely understood the culture and had been studying the religion for a while before he came here. Adjusting to this culture compared to what they "thought they understood" is on a totally different playing field. Even though I did my best to tell him of certain things...he still had his own idea and had to get here and see it for himself. It has been a very interesting experience.

amal

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Ok I can honestly say I thought I understood it from all the books I read before going there. Then I went there and had complete culture shock. It was a wide eye openner. At first I had these complaints and now I am missing those unique things and looking forward to going back! I have a better idea now and with guidance on VJ I am learning and studying more about it everyday. However, I believe the best way to know it is to really spend time there and emerse myself in it.

[Imua 0]

Funny, I was just thinking of doing a poll on how many VJers were familiar with/interested in their SO's culture before meeting them, but I don't know how to create a poll...

[Carolyn 1]

My husband was convinced he understood the culture in the US before he came here--Ha!

It has been a long, slow adjustment for him (about 2 1/2 years now). I'm not sure when or if he will finally be comfortable here. He often surprises me with how little he has been exposed to...in large part because he doesn't want to do new things. He can be quite obstinate at times. On the other hand. he can still be delighted by the small things. For example, he just discovered that there are pet stores that actually sell animals!

My biggest frustration has been his insistance on learning things the hard way...why can't he just learn from MY experience?!

Ah, the joys of international marriages! (L)

Carolyn

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Well, I have always been intersted in learning everything I can about all cultures outside my own. Im a bit of a nerd and read alot about random things.. other cultures and religions included.

So, I knew alot about middle eastern and muslim culture. I also have had some ME friends whom I asked lots of questions.

When I met him.. he was suprised that I knew what I did.

Im still learning all the time of course. I think in all things, if I ever stop learning... Im in trouble.

I do realize that once he gets here, it will be a whole new adventure. Not only will I be learning more about his culture "hands on".. he will be learning ours.

I am super excited to go to Jordan in Jan!!!! yeah!!

Lisa

[Jenn! 918]

I spent a lot of time in Kashmir and understand a lot of that culture. I also lived with my husband in Iran.

So I kinda know what I am in for when he comes to the US.

Awesome!

[Nasturtium 500]

I knew some about his culture and religion, and I made the effort to learn the religion before we got married-- because I thought ti was important to know where a person's "core" values were at, etc.... Same with overall culture. I still ask him questions probably on a daily basis. I think for my husband the biggest culture shock involved the little things-- not pouring water all over the counter/sink to clean it, etc. He was pretty surprised that we don't have juglets in teh bathrooms either. So it was some tiny things like that, or how to behave in social settings that were getting him. My husband has the personal quirk of not trusting the cleanliness of others-- so when work had a potluck Thanksgiving, he decided to just sit in his office and not come-- which of course was offensive. I smoothed it over saying he had "dietary restrictions" although really, it was just because he doesn't trust other people! If he had just come and sat with us, it would have been better. He could have poured his own Coke and no one would have bothered him too much. No one said a thing to me when I barely got anything to eat.

[sereia 0]

My husband was convinced he understood the culture in the US before he came here--Ha!

It has been a long, slow adjustment for him (about 2 1/2 years now). I'm not sure when or if he will finally be comfortable here. He often surprises me with how little he has been exposed to...in large part because he doesn't want to do new things. He can be quite obstinate at times. On the other hand. he can still be delighted by the small things. For example, he just discovered that there are pet stores that actually sell animals!

My biggest frustration has been his insistance on learning things the hard way...why can't he just learn from MY experience?!

Ah, the joys of international marriages! (L)

Carolyn

although my husband has been here far less time than yours, i feel like this is exactly how he is. he knew far less about american culture than i had thought (being a young man from casablanca and into a lot of very "western" passtimes) i'm not sure when, or if he will ever be comfortable here either. so many people wish and fight to come to america but i don't think many are really meant to live and be a part of this culture. he seems to really like certain aspects of american culture...but others he seems shocked by. we've definitely had disagreements over cultural differences since his arrival. most of the things he is shocked by, i knew already moroccans and/or muslims also didn't agree with...

to the OP: i spent quite a bit of time in morocco before i met him and beyond, have read about his culture and religion, asked him a million questions...but you will see there are things either i forgot to ask, didn't think of asking (when i thought i thought of everything important), or things change once he's here.

Edited November 25, 2007 by sereia

[slbois 0]

No matter how long you live with your husband in their country and think you know about his culture, that all goes out the window when they get to the USA.

Mine and my husband's relationship has changed dramatically, not for the worse...but there are alot of adjustments that are somewhat overwhelming to him and I understand that. I think that is normal for anyone immigrating to another country no matter what their religious or cultural backgrounds. The changes in our relationship have nothing to do with those aspects. They have to do with getting a new job, learning a new language, making a big move to another house, finding out we're expecting a baby all in less than 2 months.

Your relationship will change and he will act differently and this is all normal. Not saying that he will become a control freak and start being abusive, but expect a change.

[Imua 0]

so many people wish and fight to come to america but i don't think many are really meant to live and be a part of this culture.

I am starting to think my husband is like this - I think so many people in developing countries have this general idea of 'America' or 'the west' but don't have any real concept of what life is like here and what changes they may have to make to adjust, any more than a typical sheltered suburbanite American can imagine what it is like living in Kathmandu or Casablanca(I had a conversation with my mom yesterday and she seemed to have this idea that KTM was something like Fresno...) I am curious how many VJers' SOs come from an urban, more cosmopolitan background as opposed to a traditional village lifestyle - my husband's family had just recently moved to KTM before meeting me and to them it was 'the big city' - the time when my FIL met me was the first time he had ever eaten in a restaurant. I don't know if I can picture Govi in NYC, which is scary even for a lot of Americans...

For this reason and others I am thinking of going to Nepal for a couple of years instead of filing for the visa now - I want to understand Govi's own family situation better and see where he is coming from, also I think some more time spent together as a married couple under the same roof will hopefully negate our big red flags. I am thinking also it will be much easier to do DCF and he will be able to work as soon as he comes to the US.

Customs and concepts of cleanliness - I don't think anything can be more complicated than dealing with Nepali Brahmins/Chhetris and the concept of 'jutho(unclean)' - the strictest ones will not even eat in the same room as someone(like a foreigner) who they see as 'jutho' - my ex's family was like this -to them I was basically an animal. Govi's family is obviously not like this strict, thank God, but

there are still some things I needed to learn. One time we were riding in a microbus and the woman in the seat ahead of me was rinsing her hands outside the window using a bottle of water, a few drops of water blew in the window at me and Govi asked her to stop doing it. It was hot, no AC of course and I didn't really mind but Govi said it was 'jutho' because she had been drinking out of the bottle earlier.

The little jugs in the bathroom - LOL... I honestly wonder if Govi has ever used toilet paper - it isn't something I asked . It might be a learning experience for him just like when I first learned to use an Asian toilet...

[palilover 1]

I do know the culture and religion. Or do I?

Of course I have middle eastern friends that I can ask anything to. I know the cultural differences (the main ones such as family life is different, food is different, some customs different, etc). But as someone pointed out, it is very different to know it and to live it. Even though he has been to the US, I do expect a change in him when he really starts to get his feet wet.

But on the other hand, when I visited his country, it was a bit of an eye opener too. I learned more about his culture and had my own major culture shock. But I think when he comes here and he faces the culture shock, I will remember how I felt when I was in his counrtry and maybe it will help me be more patient through the adjustment when he gets here and I remember how I felt.

I dunno...everything happens for a reason I guess.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Well yes. I had already been to my husband's country long before I happened to meet him -- in fact I'd spent an extended amount time of there. I was in Palestine when we met, and I was already familiar with Palestinian culture and customs and the general life there.

As has been said, I think that "adjustment issues" are pretty common during the first years of marriage, even when the couple is from the same culture.

For me -- I don't think I could really understand my husband very well if I didn't already have experience and knowledge of "his world." He's from a small village and he lived in Palestine under military occupation all his life. Except for visits to Israel and Jordan, he'd never known anything else before coming to the U.S. His culture and his particular background have shaped so much of his personality and identity and way of thinking..... I would really be at a loss if I could not understand the cultural framework.

But of course learning to live together and share your space with another human can be a huge challenge -- no matter how much you know about the other's culture.

-MK