I lost my heart in Canada

[Sparky SoCal 0]

Hello everyone,

I've lurked for awhile and I wish all of you the best of luck with your journeys. I've decided to post for the first time, hoping someone might have that “right” piece of advice to help me get through a very difficult situation. For purposes of space, I'm going to try and condense my story as much as possible.

Okay, I am from the U.S. and I went to Toronto (first visit to Canada) in August for business. At this time I was married, but knew my marriage was close to ending. Though it won't seem this way, I was not looking to find someone or “cheat” during this trip. Well as you can guess I did meet a wonderful woman. There were immediate feelings and a “connection” on both of our parts. We struggled with me being married, but gave into it. I did not want to leave Canada at the end of this week.

I went back home. We continued a phone and email connection, realizing even more the feelings for each other were stronger than we realized. I decided to leave my marriage. I know the safe assumption is I did it for this woman in Canada, but in my heart that is not true. The woman in Canada and I continued our relationship. She came to the states for a weekend visit in late September. It was a great weekend and we started making plans for future visits (me going to Canada and her coming back to the states). With me being only separated, we understood any significant moves were not possible at this time. For the same token, there was a commitment to each other as far as a relationship.

Well...here is where reality kicks in. The woman is in her middle 30's and has never been married. As time went on, her fears of leaving friends and family in Canada became more and more of a problem for her. She says she cares for me (I truly believe this) and even commented that I was who she has been looking for all her life. That being said, just the thought of having to leave Canada was getting to be too much for her. She was even getting sick because of the stress. As much as we tried to “slow” down and take the relationship one day at a time, it was impossible to not think about the future.

So you say to yourself, why don't I move to her. I offered to do that, but here is where the other hurdle comes in. I have young children. I really don't want to be that far away from them and she agrees that at this age I can't be away from them. All that means is for the initial move, it would be her leaving Canada. As a side note, I live in California, but I have always loved New York City. Toronto reminded me of New York and I could easily see myself living there. Another legitimate fear she has is that if we were to have children, would I be as willing to leave them if our relationship soured. This is based on my willingness to move to Canada now. I can't blame her for having that concern.

Well, the relationship went backwards. We both know we truly care for each other, but we found ourselves at a fork in the road. My planned trip to Canada in November was canceled because she felt the time together wouldn't help, instead making the distance between us harder. So last week we said goodbye.

Over the past week, I've tried telling myself to move on with my life, but it just isn't happening. I've never been a believer in love at first sight or fate, but there is something special about this woman. I can't shake the feeling that I'm losing the one that is meant for me. Logically, I understand her fears, but I can't understand her being able to give up on this relationship because she fears leaving Canada. She has said it and I believe it that we would be great together, if we could just get together.

I hope I've given enough details. I'm hoping someone might have the answer that makes this clearer for me. When I think logically I understand that maybe we just weren't meant to be, but my heart doesn't want to cooperate. I can't stop thinking about this woman. I just don't know what to do.

Thank you for at least taking the time to read this. Any advice would be appreciated.

[trailmix 77]

hi,

Well, how can one comment on this when we don't know her?

On the surface it looks like she just wanted to break it off, for whatever reason (again, don't know enough of her side of the story to really say).

You had an affair with her while still married. You are willing to leave your young children and move to Canada. I'm not judging you, just pointing out that this is a part of your behaviour or values or whatever you want to call it that she is seeing.

One has to imagine that she discusses you and your situation with her friends and family, not sure how much of an impact this would have on her but comments like "he has only just left his wife and on top of it he had an affair" and "he is willing to just abandon his children to come and live here" and "what makes you think he won't do the same thing to you and there you will be down in California alone, possibly with children - you are going to give up your life here in Canada for that?"

Anyway, this is all just me surmising, don't mean to be harsh.

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

I agree with Trailmix on this one.

We all have a past. I was only separated when I met Nick but the relationship with my ex had been over for months before I pursued anything. I know how emotions can be and I know that when you feel strongly about someone it's almost impossible to keep those emotions at bay but I can see how maybe in the back of her mind, she may have doubts.

By your post it is very evident that you love this woman. I am a huge believer in "what is meant to be, will be".

You can't force someone to move to another country, the decision has to be something that is mutual. As I said to Nick in the very beginning when we were deciding what to do to be together, I told him that one of us will have to make a significant sacrifice in order for it to happen. We looked over both our situations and found it best that I move there. At first he was reluctant because he knows how much I love home but in the end we both saw that it was the best way. All he wanted was for me to be happy and all I want is for him to be happy in return.

I'm going to be sad and I'm going to be homesick but nothing could stand in my way of being with Nick, even if we both had to move across the world to be together.

Maybe give her some time, perhaps she is missing you just as much. Keep in contact with her, send her casual emails just checking in to make sure she is ok.

I wish you the best of luck and happiness for the future, wherever and whatever that may be.

~Laura

Edited November 22, 2007 by ~Laura and Nick~

[SpiritAlight 1]

Long distance romances suck.

Sorry, they do.

I hear you and your conundrum.

Love is great and love hurts so much you wish you would rip your heart out of your chest and pitch it out the window.

The way I see it is this: you have a few choices...

1. Continue a long distance relationship where you and she come and go for a month/a week/a weekend here and there for at least a year and see how things feel at that time.

2. One of you take a leave of absence and spend some solid time together without the act of moving.

3. Know that real love, the kind that has moved you so deeply, is so wonder-full, so awesome, and can be so elusive.

It is like trying to hold wind in your hands. Love and let go. Although this may sound cruel to the uninitiated, this is my belief.

Please find and read Kahlil Gibran's THE PROPHET. This writing is so deep, so profound that each time I read his soul-full words I cry.

Read the chapter on love and on marriage and on children. There is something for everyone in there.

Let me see if this is on-line...stand by...

Oh lucky day. Here it is. (Although you really do need to see the actual book. It is so beautiful.)

Open your heart and mind and:

Enjoy!

Clicky.

Life is so messy and so full and so sad and so happy.

Hey, it's everything.

It is extremely challenging to leave one's country.

There are societal ideas we get accustomed to and going elsewhere things get thrown out of whack.

I feel I am a resident of this planet and can make my home anywhere, but most folks cannot leave their backyards.

You know?

Home starts from within.

I wish for you a peaceful and harmonious solution.

[knowledge 0]

Well...here is where reality kicks in. The woman is in her middle 30's and has never been married. As time went on, her fears of leaving friends and family in Canada became more and more of a problem for her. She says she cares for me

Your story is very touching because you seem ready to take the steps for another serious relatonship. Your quote up there tells in my opinion a contradiction: she cares but not enought to leave family and friends. I believe the rule of intimicy is the reverse: husband comes first, then family and friends. You seem to commit to her, make some concessions to move elsewhere for her, but she doesn't.

Second, the relationship is also too young...will time make it's way to the truth?

Third, I would commit for a father who takes care of his kids...that's a great man in my eyes. A bit strange she doesn't see it.

I don't know really what to say other than ...there is some lack of maturity not te be able to be into intimicy because one can not let go the family "chains"...oops, i'm harsh, hope you'll forgive me...

[Sparky SoCal 0]

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to reply and for your advice. None of your views are too harsh, being to the point and honest is not something a lot of people do these days.

I am keeping it in my heart that there is something special here and though it might not be right now, there will be a time when it will work. I will take the advice of maintaining casual contact and see where that takes us.

I'm definitely in an awkward situation. Selfishly I want the proverbial cake and eat it to, but what is "right?" I have to deal with the guilt of being potentially willing to move away from my children for the love of a woman. Then again, am I not being true to myself if I don't do everything I can to try and make this work?

Thank you again everyone!

[SpiritAlight 1]

Life is long.

There is no such thing as right and wrong.

There just is.

Oh me and my philosophical ways....

What feels so painful now will pass and if there is any smoke it will clear and you both will know what to do; what path to take.

Do take your time....although with matters of the heart there is only NOW.

I get it.

Hey, I live it.

Ha!

I know that if you rely on ONE person for your joy and happiness you will always be disappointed.

The only person that can make you happy is yourself.

This is not their responsibility.

Putting one's happiness in the hand of another will lead to disaster.

The people we choose to spend time with are an addition to our already joyful life....the cherry on top of the already good cake. You know?

Okay, I'll get off my soap box now...

[Lona.C. 16]

It is extremely challenging to leave one's country.

There are societal ideas we get accustomed to and going elsewhere things get thrown out of whack.

I feel I am a resident of this planet and can make my home anywhere, but most folks cannot leave their backyards.

You know?

Home starts from within.

I wish for you a peaceful and harmonious solution.

had to C/P cose its so true your home is where your heart is

anyhow just for an example , tony and i been together for 4 years met for the first time aug 2004 we traveld left and right to be together the whole time since we met the first time,

yes this traveling was at times very frustrating , but we saw it like a test we knew if our love could survive this together we could walk trough anything that life has to offer ,once we are able to finaly be together for good well the time to finaly be together for good has arrived , getting married next weekend and wouldnt change it for anything ,

my point is longdistance relationships can work if both are commited to one another , trust loyalty communication are the keywords to any working relationship ,

I agrea with everyone who adviced to spend more time together ,

I belive if you spend more time together and realise you cant be apart your ment to be together and she wont have a problem moving when time comes , but for her to say from the start that she will miss canada and even get sick about it when she didnt even leave yet ,

hmm gota wonder is her heart with you or canada ??

I belive its to early to make big moves and talk about marriage when its uncertain the feelings are mutual , wish you good luck

[knowledge 0]

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to reply and for your advice. None of your views are too harsh, being to the point and honest is not something a lot of people do these days.

I am keeping it in my heart that there is something special here and though it might not be right now, there will be a time when it will work. I will take the advice of maintaining casual contact and see where that takes us.

I'm definitely in an awkward situation. Selfishly I want the proverbial cake and eat it to, but what is "right?" I have to deal with the guilt of being potentially willing to move away from my children for the love of a woman. Then again, am I not being true to myself if I don't do everything I can to try and make this work?

Thank you again everyone!

I don't know if I may, I don't think you want to go away from your kids, but from something else..maybe of something that hurt you in the previous relationship. Being hurt might mean also getting hurt in one's self esteem...therefore we get into impossible relationships like to somewhere proove ourselves we are "bad"...we have to sacrifice our desires, to punish us...I don't know you, but do not feel you are "bad"...and wish you to be with the right lady!!! Good luck!

[Sparky SoCal 0]

I want to say I appreciate everyone who took time to read and offer their opinions. Even if you thought your opinion was harsh, I do appreciate your honesty.

She contacted me today. She said we have to try again, but take it slower. We're making plans to spend New Years together. I'm hoping it works this time.

I'll keep you posted on my saga =)

[Emancipation 2]

Just wanted to add my 2 cents here.. as hubby & I's situation has similarities in it.. (although he had been divorced for 1 1/2 years before i met him).

I too had GRAVE concerns about moving to the US, and I must have had panic attacks and a state of mourning for about 2-3 months before I told anyone about my plans to move here. I did not want to leave Canada and I was happy with my life on my little Island with my 30+ adopted youth groupers, and my good job and my church family. I was close to my nieces and nephews, and my life was "set". Not to mention members of my family were VERY concerned about my choice of countries to live in and that I would sacrifice so much for a guy I "barely" knew (their words not mine).

The past few years have been hard on the US's reputation in CDNS eyes, and I'm not sure if it's playing a factor in your gals life - but I know for me the politics, the temperature of public opinion, recent current events, all gave me the weebie jeebies about moving here. As I weighed this against my heart and it's desire to be with my then fiance, it was a hard but good decision that I made to come to the US.

He too has small children and I could never ask him to move to Canada to be with me - that doesn't make sence to me, and I knew it was a choice between the relationship and me moving - pure and simple. Perhaps when the children are grown up we can move to Canada and retire- we've talked about that - but for now - he being as close as possible to his children is the most important thing.

It was a tough one to make, and I still struggle with the culture and the politics, but here in the US is where i belong. I don't regret my decision one little bit. But it is an individual decision to make, and you have to be able to give her that choice. There are probably a million factors in her thoughts about moving to the US, but I know for myself - i did have to grieve leaving my country and all the support I had there.. It was necessary and when I came to the end of it, it was worth every tear.

Just wanted to give you the CDN perspective... I wish you both the best.. You may want to give her a membership here on VJ too so she can ask questions and get a perspective of what to expect etc. from those of us who made the transition.

[JenT 0]

I've already p'd you Sparky, but I thought I might add a suggestion..... ask her to join us here on VJ. She may find assurance in knowing that she's not alone.

Enjoy the anticipation of seeing her again, and have a wonderful reunion!

Jen

[Mephys 2]

I've already p'd you Sparky, but I thought I might add a suggestion..... ask her to join us here on VJ. She may find assurance in knowing that she's not alone.

Enjoy the anticipation of seeing her again, and have a wonderful reunion!

Jen

Had a conversation with Sparky as well, and I suggested it too

Great news Sparky, I hope you have a wonderful New year's day

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

I've already p'd you Sparky, but I thought I might add a suggestion..... ask her to join us here on VJ. She may find assurance in knowing that she's not alone.

Enjoy the anticipation of seeing her again, and have a wonderful reunion!

Jen

What a fabulous suggestion!

Have a wonderful New Years!!!!

Edited November 29, 2007 by ~Laura and Nick~

[Sparky SoCal 0]

I'm going to go very slowly this time. I will not pressure her. I have already thought about suggesting this site to her. I hope this works better this go round.