Yardies, at home and a farrin' (Part 5)

[brownnskinn 0]

if i could get him to help more with the laundry we would have so much for time for rooksing pon di weekends

Mek im knoa dat Jengy!

We drop everyting for rooking at our house

[SupportOAFJF 0]

All good points Kimmy and I agree.

Even with that being said, though, there are still some things that don't fit that mold.

Say, he's in Jamaica and goes out every night with his friends to the clubs. How would you deal with him wanting to do that after he moves in with you and the kids? And, say it's before he gets a job and it's okay with you. But, after he finds a job, he wants to continue and it effects his job?

What if he likes to drink and smoke on his time off and it gets to be too close to the time he's got to be at his job? He used to do it in JA; but you didn't say anything cause he took a cab. Now, he drives?

Or in Jamaica, he had cash in his pocket and it burned a hole every day he had it. Now, you need him to contribute to the household. What do you do?

I've heard of all these issues coming up. That is some of the points I think of when I think of change. Adaptation, compromise.....most solutions to the above would modify behaviors.

Well heck! All these issues you stated are red flags that somethings gonna go down if you ask me. So I see those issues and being a problem in the long run. If the man been acting that way ALL along, why you all of a sudden expect him to change JUST because he put a ring on your finger. His thought pattern doesnt instantly know how to stop doing those things. yes he should modify his behavior once he gets a job, or drives, or has kids, but you should also be aware that those past "behaviours", WILL follow him into his marriage. And if you were not ready for them, then you were not paying attention in the first place.

Of course i'm not talking specifially to you JG.

Lita thank you dats why we would have been getting divorced

Kimmy

try this and see if u can keep it down

Ummmmmmmm - it wasn't meant as advice for Kimmy - obviously it wouldn't sit well. But if I am not mistaken, there was a discussion of how people loved Ramen noodles and thought someone else might like the recipe

no tek it no way sus...everybody a try feed mi casue mi look like a blasted crack

don't know Sus, could be the only thing that work for her

see it deh..

Edited February 27, 2008 by kimmykashi

[Jengles 0]

if i could get him to help more with the laundry we would have so much for time for rooksing pon di weekends

Mek im knoa dat Jengy!

We drop everyting for rooking at our house

[brownnskinn 0]

If have something to say...I am going to say it! Most of us were raised by extremely STRONG Mothers and the days when we stand by and have our man talk for us are LANG GONE!!! When women started joining the workforce in droves ...we had to start speaking up or get pushed dung!

Bless,

Gill

Ok mi cyaan resist...mi muss put inna thoughts pon dis...

I was raised to be very independent and know how to take care of myself. For the most part I raised myself in my early teenage years and beyond. I had to grow up fast and take care of my bro and sis because my parents were so messed up and weren't really around to do the parenting much. So I grew up taking care of myself and not taking any bs. Andre says that he one of the reasons that he was attracted to me in JA was because I could handle myself well and didn't put up with anything...I spoke my mind and stood up for myself. Not sure if that makes me aggressive...it is just the way I am.

I do know that Andre has said many times that he feels like sometimes I don't need him. That I can handle myself and my business and don't have to rely on him for anything. While I do rely on him for many things I guess he is intimidated by the way I take care of business and the resources I have acquired over the years and that I really don't need him to survive, know what I mean?

Well adding my 2 cents....

I think this is a big part of the problem. Many times as independent women we do give off the vibe that we don't need a man for this or for that and we are strong and all this stuff...so when we do get with a man that ideology doesnt just go away. It can be prtrayed to your man....hence him feeling like you don't need him. Every man wants to feel like he is needed by his woman.....don't care where you come from. Yes he may like that you can hold your own and handle your biz...but he also wants to know and feel proud that you can reliquish it all to him and depend on him for a bit. Its just part of being a man. Think about what contitutes 'manhood' to a decent man......taking care of himself and his family, being the provider and protector, his bravado, sex. These are things that are instilled in men from their birth as to what make them a man. We as women have had some sorry men in our lives and essetially taken on the responsibilites that were once solely given to men. Now that we are with a man...and doing everything that he has been told he is supposed to do...well essentially we are dominating his territory...in his house. Most men will have a problem with this. They may not know how to deal with it and then begin to blame the woman and say she is too independent or aggressive or treats him like a child...and I gotta say...some women are all those things...some are not.

I think Jamaican men have this issue even more engrained in them because culturally that is the way things are in JA. Men inherently do not have the same opportunities to flex their manhood as men in the states. So they flex it in the way they know how...one being breeding women up and down im yaad. The other being holding a bit of money in im pocket deh, and shedding a likkle cash pon im baby mama. Culturally these things happen a bit more there and actually shape what a man thinks he should be doing as a man. Of course there are Jamaican men nothing like this...but the idea of being able to lace your woman with some cash feels good to a man.

Again I think its all about understanding ones culture when topic like this come up in your marriage. Lots of times I think people are not compassionate enough to communicate there dislikes and it becomes a bigger issue rather than a misunderstanding.

While I hear what you are saying I must inquire about something...if a man understands that the woman he is marrying is independent and can handle herself why should that change when they get married? Why should he now all of a sudden be intimidated by it? Especially if I am letting him be the man and totally stroking his ego? I understand that some women give off the vibe and really act like they don't need the man...but when the woman isn't acting like that then there really is no need for the man to be intimidated yet sometimes they still are. It really is engrained in them but that doesn't make it right. Hope that made sense...I am writing fast here at work.

Well if it gets all the way to this type of situation then the man obviously has problems. Being independent out of the relationship is different once you are IN a relationship and I think you should act accordingly. Now if in all fairness the woman is truly doing all that she can to show her need and appreication for her husand and he still wants to act up then its him who has bigger problems to combat within himself.

I just think that some women...tend to either baby their men, then get upset when the man start expecting certain things from them, or they treat the man like a child and like he has no brain of his own and cant make his on decisions or mistakes, thus making the man feel like you don't respect his manhood. I think as women we allways wanting our men to grow up and change or do this or do that and we rarely look at the craziness we need to change in ourselves or the way in which we handle our men. As a woman I think we have a tendency to cross the line in being caretaker and partner. As you can see, with all the MIL problems some people have. Classic case of a woman babying her son. Sometimes we don't know to treat our husbands differently from our children.

AMEN sistah Lita

Say it, say it!! PREACH!

The back of our cashed check had the CSC I don't want to count my eggs before they hatch but......I'm hoping this means we won't get an interview!!!

Congrats brownnskinn.

Are you lifting conditions? When did you send the application?

SORRY BROWNIE CONGRATS CHICA!!!!

Lifting the conditions on PR. I don't think it's been quite three weeks.

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

My girl...I AGREE 100% (we BOTH have lives)...you know what my grandmother always tell me. No, (NONE) marriage or relationship will every be perfect or without faults, but in order to make it work (and a lot of people don't agree with this) ONE PERSON HAS TO LOVE THE OTHER PERSON more. I hear people say that a lot, but mi nevah fully understand it. The way I was thought to make a relationship work is to give 50% and expect 50% back (with my experiences) that never worked.

COMPROMISE (what a pretty word) but what does it really mean. When I was going through counseling with my son's father I must have heard that word 20 times for the session.

Lawny yuh granny smart fi tru! There is no 50/50. It is usually always off balance, yet people strive for this 50/50 thing which ends up drivng them crazy or creating resentment and such. If you are always on the lower end of the spectrum then there needs to be some talk. But its so true that one person has to love the other person more. If both people think this way its a really good set-up. I hear alot of older and wiser couples say this ALL the time! And they been married for years so I assume they know what they chat bout.

Lita,

My gradmother told me that over and over again. When my cousin got married last summer in Jamaica she asked all the older couples to form a circle around her before the reception started and to pray for her and her new husband and for all of them to give her a little bit of advice (this is a family thing we do at all weddings) I started it back in early 90s (can't remember where I got the idea from). All these couples were jamaican and most of them have be married over 40 years or more. They all shared a little advice in that, it's never easy, BUT it will get easier and that as hard as it may seem and as much as you may want to you should NEVER GO TO BED MAD AT EACH OTHER...bway dat was a hard one for me to swallow. Cause if mi mad mi no wah chat to nobadi (and apparently that's the wrong thing to do). The other advice and I had to drop out of my chair of this one. One of the older couple said, "BOSS MEK SURE U TEK CARE A DI BEDROOM or SMADI ELSE WILL and fi PUT U HOUSE FIRST" mi nearli dead wid laugh when im said that. He must have been 70 years old, but you could see and FEEL the love he had for his wife. He said with her he is nothing. I bawled my eyes out.

[Marlita 0]

good night...I don't know for everyone else but once I said yes i will marry you..there is no more dating to discuss..we are a couple and we have made a commitment to some degree..so me talking about single life I mean living it up like we r not together at all...

This what mi think too. Mi nah fi tek uunu as mi husband if yuh ave some questionable traits. Mek mi find out a likkle more bout yuh first. But agreed, there is NO SINGLE life when yuh date me.

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

My girl...I AGREE 100% (we BOTH have lives)...you know what my grandmother always tell me. No, (NONE) marriage or relationship will every be perfect or without faults, but in order to make it work (and a lot of people don't agree with this) ONE PERSON HAS TO LOVE THE OTHER PERSON more. I hear people say that a lot, but mi nevah fully understand it. The way I was thought to make a relationship work is to give 50% and expect 50% back (with my experiences) that never worked.

COMPROMISE (what a pretty word) but what does it really mean. When I was going through counseling with my son's father I must have heard that word 20 times for the session.

Lawny yuh granny smart fi tru! There is no 50/50. It is usually always off balance, yet people strive for this 50/50 thing which ends up drivng them crazy or creating resentment and such. If you are always on the lower end of the spectrum then there needs to be some talk. But its so true that one person has to love the other person more. If both people think this way its a really good set-up. I hear alot of older and wiser couples say this ALL the time! And they been married for years so I assume they know what they chat bout.

Lita,

My gradmother told me that over and over again. When my cousin got married last summer in Jamaica she asked all the older couples to form a circle around her before the reception started and to pray for her and her new husband and for all of them to give her a little bit of advice (this is a family thing we do at all weddings) I started it back in early 90s (can't remember where I got the idea from). All these couples were jamaican and most of them have be married over 40 years or more. They all shared a little advice in that, it's never easy, BUT it will get easier and that as hard as it may seem and as much as you may want to you should NEVER GO TO BED MAD AT EACH OTHER...bway dat was a hard one for me to swallow. Cause if mi mad mi no wah chat to nobadi (and apparently that's the wrong thing to do). The other advice and I had to drop out of my chair of this one. One of the older couple said, "BOSS MEK SURE U TEK CARE A DI BEDROOM or SMADI ELSE WILL and fi PUT U HOUSE FIRST" mi nearli dead wid laugh when im said that. He must have been 70 years old, but you could see and FEEL the love he had for his wife. He said without her he is nothing. I bawled my eyes out.

[*JG* 2]

Marlita ....."Well heck! All these issues you stated are red flags that somethings gonna go down if you ask me. So I see those issues and being a problem in the long run. If the man been acting that way ALL along, why you all of a sudden expect him to change JUST because he put a ring on your finger. His thought pattern doesnt instantly know how to stop doing those things. yes he should modify his behavior once he gets a job, or drives, or has kids, but you should also be aware that those past "behaviours", WILL follow him into his marriage. And if you were not ready for them, then you were not paying attention in the first place.

Of course i'm not talking specifially to you JG."

I wasn't talking specifically about myself either. Those I am discussing, are acutally US/JA couples married for years now. It's come up and it has not been any kind of a red flag for them nor has it hindered their relationships. They are doing just fine. But, the issues have come up and they are the very definintion of change I have been talking about.

The very red flags they have said would bother them are actually quite different and usually surprise me.

[brownnskinn 0]

I doubt either of us could go back anymore. My philosophy is always that every day you experience something that makes you learn and grow.

I know i'm bout 10 pages behind but this is soo true. I am a change/ adjust advocate, this dosen't mean I want to raise a man. They need to grow-mature long before marriage, but our experiences a couples constantly change us,I think you want that in a marriage.

[Marlita 0]

mi a go mek miself a meez tuh..english and lita mi like oonuh meez dem

haha, mi seh mi a mek mi meez wan rahtid warrior! but then mi seh she need fi kno how fi dress first. haha

[SupportOAFJF 0]

mi a go mek miself a meez tuh..english and lita mi like oonuh meez dem

haha, mi seh mi a mek mi meez wan rahtid warrior! but then mi seh she need fi kno how fi dress first. haha

mi go seh mi try mek one...mi cyaa do it..it tek time

[Marlita 0]

if i could get him to help more with the laundry we would have so much for time for rooksing pon di weekends

Mek im knoa dat Jengy!

We drop everyting for rooking at our house

Lawd Gawd! Brownie, if unnu nah rooks nuff? Lawd DWL. Mi can juss pikcha ie. Laundry in yuh hand and hubby say " cum gyal! jump pon ie!", and deh clothes dem a guh fly inna de air as yuh run to im!! Woooieee!!!

[Jengles 0]

if i could get him to help more with the laundry we would have so much for time for rooksing pon di weekends

Mek im knoa dat Jengy!

We drop everyting for rooking at our house

Lawd Gawd! Brownie, if unnu nah rooks nuff? Lawd DWL. Mi can juss pikcha ie. Laundry in yuh hand and hubby say " cum gyal! jump pon ie!", and deh clothes dem a guh fly inna de air as yuh run to im!! Woooieee!!!

it has been confirmed u all are REALLY crazy

[brownnskinn 0]

why weren't these issues of change brought about b4 marriage ? some ooman feel dem can use MARRIAGE to change a man..they think the man is obligated now u have on rings...

Just wanted to state something about this...for my relationship personally neither one of us was married before, never lived with another woman/man (besides family) and didn't before we were married...basically we both had absolutely no clue what marriage entailed. Yeah we could read a few books here and there, go from what we learned in church and chat all we wanted about "the way things would be" but until you are actually in it and living it there really is no way to know what issues are going to come up. You may think that whatever comes your way you will deal with it but marriage really and truly is a lot of work - oftentimes more work than a person believes it will be. You think you can handle it all until you are in the thick of it and way over your head. I think for some the transition might be easier because some have been married before/lived with SO's...there is some level of experience there. Some issues just wouldn't arise before marriage and you can talk all you want about how you are going to do things but until you are actually living it...most people tend to dream bigger than they realize is humanly possible. I sure know that marriage is nothing like I had envisioned and dreamed about...it isn't necessarily a bad thing...it is just a thing.

I'm trying to figure out how to respond to this. Jamie I was married before and I the work is harder in a marriage where TWO people are actually working at it. In your case and my previous case, there was just one, you/me and you can't base much on that. Weather you lived together or not. There has to be two willing participants.

[Marlita 0]

My girl...I AGREE 100% (we BOTH have lives)...you know what my grandmother always tell me. No, (NONE) marriage or relationship will every be perfect or without faults, but in order to make it work (and a lot of people don't agree with this) ONE PERSON HAS TO LOVE THE OTHER PERSON more. I hear people say that a lot, but mi nevah fully understand it. The way I was thought to make a relationship work is to give 50% and expect 50% back (with my experiences) that never worked.

COMPROMISE (what a pretty word) but what does it really mean. When I was going through counseling with my son's father I must have heard that word 20 times for the session.

Lawny yuh granny smart fi tru! There is no 50/50. It is usually always off balance, yet people strive for this 50/50 thing which ends up drivng them crazy or creating resentment and such. If you are always on the lower end of the spectrum then there needs to be some talk. But its so true that one person has to love the other person more. If both people think this way its a really good set-up. I hear alot of older and wiser couples say this ALL the time! And they been married for years so I assume they know what they chat bout.

Lita,

My gradmother told me that over and over again. When my cousin got married last summer in Jamaica she asked all the older couples to form a circle around her before the reception started and to pray for her and her new husband and for all of them to give her a little bit of advice (this is a family thing we do at all weddings) I started it back in early 90s (can't remember where I got the idea from). All these couples were jamaican and most of them have be married over 40 years or more. They all shared a little advice in that, it's never easy, BUT it will get easier and that as hard as it may seem and as much as you may want to you should NEVER GO TO BED MAD AT EACH OTHER...bway dat was a hard one for me to swallow. Cause if mi mad mi no wah chat to nobadi (and apparently that's the wrong thing to do). The other advice and I had to drop out of my chair of this one. One of the older couple said, "BOSS MEK SURE U TEK CARE A DI BEDROOM or SMADI ELSE WILL and fi PUT U HOUSE FIRST" mi nearli dead wid laugh when im said that. He must have been 70 years old, but you could see and FEEL the love he had for his wife. He said with her he is nothing. I bawled my eyes out.

Lawd this remind me of the other week when I was in JA and my hubby saw this old rasta im kno frum im bawn. Old rasta start chat bout sumting after hubby introduce me and all mi hear was "nuh bax har, nuh fight har". Lawd mi drop down right there inna di sand wen mi hear dis. It was too funny that THAT was the advice he was giving my husband on marriage. haha