Yardies, at home and a farrin' (Part 5)

[SupportOAFJF 0]

You have to accept your man...if u fight for change everyday...and I mean things like stop dressing that way..stop smoking, things like that...not can we share duties..u try to change who they were/are u'll forever have problems

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

why weren't these issues of change brought about b4 marriage ? some ooman feel dem can use MARRIAGE to change a man..they think the man is obligated now u have on rings...

Just wanted to state something about this...for my relationship personally neither one of us was married before, never lived with another woman/man (besides family) and didn't before we were married...basically we both had absolutely no clue what marriage entailed. Yeah we could read a few books here and there, go from what we learned in church and chat all we wanted about "the way things would be" but until you are actually in it and living it there really is no way to know what issues are going to come up. You may think that whatever comes your way you will deal with it but marriage really and truly is a lot of work - oftentimes more work than a person believes it will be. You think you can handle it all until you are in the thick of it and way over your head. I think for some the transition might be easier because some have been married before/lived with SO's...there is some level of experience there. Some issues just wouldn't arise before marriage and you can talk all you want about how you are going to do things but until you are actually living it...most people tend to dream bigger than they realize is humanly possible. I sure know that marriage is nothing like I had envisioned and dreamed about...it isn't necessarily a bad thing...it is just a thing.

I think Kimmy is talking about stuff like say him being a womanizer or certain character traits....There will ALWAYS be stuff you couldn't know about him....I think she's saying that some women look at the man before marriage, see how he is but once they're married, they want him to stop the stuff he's always done....

Agree..that's what I was saying..

OK..let me say something..when i speak here I do not mean anyting personal b/c of the fact that I do not know u guys personally..so if anything is taken the wrong way or may seem personal I apologize.

But, I never lived with hubby eirther..we spend weeks together but that does not prepare us for married life..we all have to learn each still EVERYDAY after marriage..but what I will not do is ask him to change something I already accepted him with before we said I do...you ALWAYS will be working on ur marriage for the rest of ur life..it's not something set in stone..we both still have lives, things that is enjoyment for one and not for the other...I will not ask him to give that up just because..that's selfish...

My girl...I AGREE 100% (we BOTH have lives)...you know what my grandmother always tell me. No, (NONE) marriage or relationship will every be perfect or without faults, but in order to make it work (and a lot of people don't agree with this) ONE PERSON HAS TO LOVE THE OTHER PERSON more. I hear people say that a lot, but mi nevah fully understand it. The way I was thought to make a relationship work is to give 50% and expect 50% back (with my experiences) that never worked.

COMPROMISE (what a pretty word) but what does it really mean. When I was going through counseling with my son's father I must have heard that word 20 times for the session.

[*JG* 2]

why weren't these issues of change brought about b4 marriage ? some ooman feel dem can use MARRIAGE to change a man..they think the man is obligated now u have on rings...

Just wanted to state something about this...for my relationship personally neither one of us was married before, never lived with another woman/man (besides family) and didn't before we were married...basically we both had absolutely no clue what marriage entailed. Yeah we could read a few books here and there, go from what we learned in church and chat all we wanted about "the way things would be" but until you are actually in it and living it there really is no way to know what issues are going to come up. You may think that whatever comes your way you will deal with it but marriage really and truly is a lot of work - oftentimes more work than a person believes it will be. You think you can handle it all until you are in the thick of it and way over your head. I think for some the transition might be easier because some have been married before/lived with SO's...there is some level of experience there. Some issues just wouldn't arise before marriage and you can talk all you want about how you are going to do things but until you are actually living it...most people tend to dream bigger than they realize is humanly possible. I sure know that marriage is nothing like I had envisioned and dreamed about...it isn't necessarily a bad thing...it is just a thing.

I feel so sad for you when I read this YW. You deserve so much more. I wish you only the best in whatever route(s) the future takes you in.

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

Even'in Ladies;

I just wanted to thank ya'll for helping me with my school work that was assigned to me 4 weeks ago. I had no idea what to write about for my lifestyle/sociology class. I don't know who started the topic today or how it got started on marriage, relationship, sharing duties as a couple, but thank you. I came here for immigration guidance and well now I'm speechless, the WEALTH of information you get from people you've never met. Thanks again.

You're welcome! Just mek sure yuh use mi name inna di paper Mi waan nuff credit Just joking

Girl, please keep it coming. I'm on page 10 now. I'm waiting for my study patner to include her research. She ask mi weh mi get di information (mi tell her) IT CLASSIFIED.

[SupportOAFJF 0]

Lawny mi feel yah...why compromise so hard ? b/c one is given more than he/she is getting....if I give and not getting i'm withdraw...when u start give mi wi play again...alot of men feel if they compromise they r given up their "manhood" puhleease....get ova dat...me and my husband fight all di time..but often times he doesn't see why he could have made a dif decision until we talk and get to the "middle"

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

Lawny mi feel yah...why compromise so hard ? b/c one is given more than he/she is getting....if I give and not getting i'm withdraw...when u start give mi wi play again...alot of men feel if they compromise they r given up their "manhood" puhleease....get ova dat...me and my husband fight all di time..but often times he doesn't see why he could have made a dif decision until we talk and get to the "middle"

Kimmy,

My son just saw your little girl picture and he wants to know her name and how old she is and if she have a mommy. He say she CUTEEEEEE...mi just run im. Her him "SHE HAVE BIG EYE LIKE ME"

[Forever Young 1]

Has anyone hear from Phatmadame ? haven't seen her in a while....hope all is well...

That's so true...mi haffi check pon Maddy! I knoa she really came on this thread mainly on the 'Stella's'! I will PM her!

Bless,

Gill

[*JG* 2]

why weren't these issues of change brought about b4 marriage ? some ooman feel dem can use MARRIAGE to change a man..they think the man is obligated now u have on rings...

Just wanted to state something about this...for my relationship personally neither one of us was married before, never lived with another woman/man (besides family) and didn't before we were married...basically we both had absolutely no clue what marriage entailed. Yeah we could read a few books here and there, go from what we learned in church and chat all we wanted about "the way things would be" but until you are actually in it and living it there really is no way to know what issues are going to come up. You may think that whatever comes your way you will deal with it but marriage really and truly is a lot of work - oftentimes more work than a person believes it will be. You think you can handle it all until you are in the thick of it and way over your head. I think for some the transition might be easier because some have been married before/lived with SO's...there is some level of experience there. Some issues just wouldn't arise before marriage and you can talk all you want about how you are going to do things but until you are actually living it...most people tend to dream bigger than they realize is humanly possible. I sure know that marriage is nothing like I had envisioned and dreamed about...it isn't necessarily a bad thing...it is just a thing.

I think Kimmy is talking about stuff like say him being a womanizer or certain character traits....There will ALWAYS be stuff you couldn't know about him....I think she's saying that some women look at the man before marriage, see how he is but once they're married, they want him to stop the stuff he's always done....

Agree..that's what I was saying..

OK..let me say something..when i speak here I do not mean anyting personal b/c of the fact that I do not know u guys personally..so if anything is taken the wrong way or may seem personal I apologize.

But, I never lived with hubby eirther..we spend weeks together but that does not prepare us for married life..we all have to learn each still EVERYDAY after marriage..but what I will not do is ask him to change something I already accepted him with before we said I do...you ALWAYS will be working on ur marriage for the rest of ur life..it's not something set in stone..we both still have lives, things that is enjoyment for one and not for the other...I will not ask him to give that up just because..that's selfish...

All good points Kimmy and I agree.

Even with that being said, though, there are still some things that don't fit that mold.

Say, he's in Jamaica and goes out every night with his friends to the clubs. How would you deal with him wanting to do that after he moves in with you and the kids? And, say it's before he gets a job and it's okay with you. But, after he finds a job, he wants to continue and it effects his job?

What if he likes to drink and smoke on his time off and it gets to be too close to the time he's got to be at his job? He used to do it in JA; but you didn't say anything cause he took a cab. Now, he drives?

Or in Jamaica, he had cash in his pocket and it burned a hole every day he had it. Now, you need him to contribute to the household. What do you do?

I've heard of all these issues coming up. That is some of the points I think of when I think of change. Adaptation, compromise.....most solutions to the above would modify behaviors.

[SupportOAFJF 0]

Lawny mi feel yah...why compromise so hard ? b/c one is given more than he/she is getting....if I give and not getting i'm withdraw...when u start give mi wi play again...alot of men feel if they compromise they r given up their "manhood" puhleease....get ova dat...me and my husband fight all di time..but often times he doesn't see why he could have made a dif decision until we talk and get to the "middle"

Kimmy,

My son just saw your little girl picture and he wants to know her name and how old she is and if she have a mommy. He say she CUTEEEEEE...mi just run im. Her him "SHE HAVE BIG EYE LIKE ME"

ahahaa..woieee..tell him har fawda a go get him

[Yaads 0]

Lawny mi feel yah...why compromise so hard ? b/c one is given more than he/she is getting....if I give and not getting i'm withdraw...when u start give mi wi play again...alot of men feel if they compromise they r given up their "manhood" puhleease....get ova dat...me and my husband fight all di time..but often times he doesn't see why he could have made a dif decision until we talk and get to the "middle"

Girl that is the million dollar question! A great visual that I have heard regarding needs and marriage is the "bank account" scenario. Basically like you said. You each have an emotional "account" and if all that is happening is the spouse is taking out "withdrawls" (getting what they need) and not making any "deposits" (giving what you need)...the account run dry and the ####### starts to happen because the accounts aren't balanced. Each person should be working towards filling the other persons "account".

Edited February 27, 2008 by Yardiewife

[Jengles 0]

Even'in Ladies;

I just wanted to thank ya'll for helping me with my school work that was assigned to me 4 weeks ago. I had no idea what to write about for my lifestyle/sociology class. I don't know who started the topic today or how it got started on marriage, relationship, sharing duties as a couple, but thank you. I came here for immigration guidance and well now I'm speechless, the WEALTH of information you get from people you've never met. Thanks again.

yes mi want mi credit fi start the original topic and den mi nuh no where it went from there. i can see the biblography now....jengles, yardie, jomo's girl and kimmy and big up all who nuh mention...wait deh got a flashback of mi inna di videolight

but Ladies of all those whose SO's are not here yet, please take note of the stuff we right about. it used to be me here last year reading saying not me and mr jengles when i used to read about certain issues and now a year later is us and me is still new to this.

[*JG* 2]

Even'in Ladies;

I just wanted to thank ya'll for helping me with my school work that was assigned to me 4 weeks ago. I had no idea what to write about for my lifestyle/sociology class. I don't know who started the topic today or how it got started on marriage, relationship, sharing duties as a couple, but thank you. I came here for immigration guidance and well now I'm speechless, the WEALTH of information you get from people you've never met. Thanks again.

yes mi want mi credit fi start the original topic and den mi nuh no where it went from there. i can see the biblography now....jengles, yardie, jomo's girl and kimmy and big up all who nuh mention...wait deh got a flashback of mi inna di videolight

but Ladies of all those whose SO's are not here yet, please take note of the stuff we right about. it used to be me here last year reading saying not me and mr jengles when i used to read about certain issues and now a year later is us and me is still new to this.

Sometimes the ladies on here are the only one's who understand at all.

I'd like to hear a little more from Jay on if he is experiencing anything different along the way.

[brownnskinn 0]

where is everyone....I'M BORED....!!!!

I went to take a nap and yall chat 10+ pages.

[Jengles 0]

why weren't these issues of change brought about b4 marriage ? some ooman feel dem can use MARRIAGE to change a man..they think the man is obligated now u have on rings...

Just wanted to state something about this...for my relationship personally neither one of us was married before, never lived with another woman/man (besides family) and didn't before we were married...basically we both had absolutely no clue what marriage entailed. Yeah we could read a few books here and there, go from what we learned in church and chat all we wanted about "the way things would be" but until you are actually in it and living it there really is no way to know what issues are going to come up. You may think that whatever comes your way you will deal with it but marriage really and truly is a lot of work - oftentimes more work than a person believes it will be. You think you can handle it all until you are in the thick of it and way over your head. I think for some the transition might be easier because some have been married before/lived with SO's...there is some level of experience there. Some issues just wouldn't arise before marriage and you can talk all you want about how you are going to do things but until you are actually living it...most people tend to dream bigger than they realize is humanly possible. I sure know that marriage is nothing like I had envisioned and dreamed about...it isn't necessarily a bad thing...it is just a thing.

i agree with both of your statements, I know women who do think marriage will change a man, but if you've been with a man for two or three years andhave already accepted certain things, marriage isn't going to change that.

and yes Yardie marriage is a lot of work, especially when u are both trying to make it work, if u have lived with someone before than there are certain issues that can be addressed up front but every relationship is different and what wasn't an issue in one relationship can be a huge issue in another

10 RATHID years fi come to my senses. I tried to make it work and failed miserably. Thank GOD I saw the light at the other side of the tunnel.

U know Lawny, sometimes i get the idea that u felt u stayed way too long in this relationship... don't know why or how i keep getting that idea. I just ate the rest of the tiaramsu and licked the bowl clean, forgive me..its the sugar

Even'in Ladies;

I just wanted to thank ya'll for helping me with my school work that was assigned to me 4 weeks ago. I had no idea what to write about for my lifestyle/sociology class. I don't know who started the topic today or how it got started on marriage, relationship, sharing duties as a couple, but thank you. I came here for immigration guidance and well now I'm speechless, the WEALTH of information you get from people you've never met. Thanks again.

yes mi want mi credit fi start the original topic and den mi nuh no where it went from there. i can see the biblography now....jengles, yardie, jomo's girl and kimmy and big up all who nuh mention...wait deh got a flashback of mi inna di videolight

but Ladies of all those whose SO's are not here yet, please take note of the stuff we right about. it used to be me here last year reading saying not me and mr jengles when i used to read about certain issues and now a year later is us and me is still new to this.

Sometimes the ladies on here are the only one's who understand at all.

I'd like to hear a little more from Jay on if he is experiencing anything different along the way.

i read that and was like what...my son is only 5 what she talking about

[*JG* 2]

where is everyone....I'M BORED....!!!!

I went to take a nap and yall chat 10+ pages.

Everytime I come on now, I think oh....400.....350.....300...pages till we go to the Yardie #6 thread!

Whoops, sorry, Jengles. Did't know your son was a Jay also. I meant JayDonna.

Edited February 27, 2008 by Jomo's girl