Yardies, at home and a farrin' (Part 5)

[Yaads 0]

yup, he is who he is, always remember that, and men ususally tell u what they are about in the first week of the relationship, we as women tend not to listen. but that is a next topic

Lawd Gawd if this ain't the truth!!

I hear so many woman wanting to change this or that or expecting something different than what they saw in the beginning, and then get all confused when it dont change.

one of my points exactly...change who he is for what !!

right because that is why we fell in love wid dem

I think there is a fine line between wanting to change someone and wanting someone to grow and mature. When you get married there should be change...the roles of a spouse are different than those of a fiance or BF/GF. There should always be changing going on (hopefully for the better) as we mature and grow and learn from experience. So there is a difference IMO of wanting to change someone (characteristics/personality etc) and wanting them to change/mature (responsibility/roles etc).

Edited February 26, 2008 by Yardiewife

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

While I hear what you are saying I must inquire about something...if a man understands that the woman he is marrying is independent and can handle herself why should that change when they get married? Why should he now all of a sudden be intimidated by it? Especially if I am letting him be the man and totally stroking his ego? I understand that some women give off the vibe and really act like they don't need the man...but when the woman isn't acting like that then there really is no need for the man to be intimidated yet sometimes they still are. It really is engrained in them but that doesn't make it right. Hope that made sense...I am writing fast here at work.

I think because on 'paper' they feel they can deal with it, but once they live it, it just seems foreign to them...The traditional roles are ingrained in Jamaican culture and while men may THINK they can move past that, it becomes difficult in living it.

I am very strong, but over the years I've learnt to lean. Learnt to pass over some of the responsibility to the man so he feels like he is an integral part of the relationship.

Again, I also can be 'sneaking' with it, if I want to make a decision, I try and make HIM think he's the one making it for us...

[Marlita 0]

yup, he is who he is, always remember that, and men ususally tell u what they are about in the first week of the relationship, we as women tend not to listen. but that is a next topic

Lawd Gawd if this ain't the truth!!

I hear so many woman wanting to change this or that or expecting something different than what they saw in the beginning, and then get all confused when it dont change.

one of my points exactly...change who he is for what !!

right because that is why we fell in love wid dem

I think there is a fine line between wanting to change someone and wanting someone to grow and mature. When you get married there should be change...the roles of a spouse are different than those of a fiance or BF/GF. There should always be changing going on (hopefully for the better) as we mature and grow and learn from experience. So there is a difference IMO of wanting to change someone (characteristics/personality etc) and wanting them to change/mature (responsibility/roles etc).

The problem is YOU want them to change. They have to want to change for themselves. Thats usually when the problems come is when one person wants this or that and the other isn't ready or capable of giving it...or they are too stubborn to change just cause you asked them to.

While I hear what you are saying I must inquire about something...if a man understands that the woman he is marrying is independent and can handle herself why should that change when they get married? Why should he now all of a sudden be intimidated by it? Especially if I am letting him be the man and totally stroking his ego? I understand that some women give off the vibe and really act like they don't need the man...but when the woman isn't acting like that then there really is no need for the man to be intimidated yet sometimes they still are. It really is engrained in them but that doesn't make it right. Hope that made sense...I am writing fast here at work.

I think because on 'paper' they feel they can deal with it, but once they live it, it just seems foreign to them...The traditional roles are ingrained in Jamaican culture and while men may THINK they can move past that, it becomes difficult in living it.

I am very strong, but over the years I've learnt to lean. Learnt to pass over some of the responsibility to the man so he feels like he is an integral part of the relationship.

Again, I also can be 'sneaking' with it, if I want to make a decision, I try and make HIM think he's the one making it for us...

smart lady!

[Yaads 0]

yup, he is who he is, always remember that, and men ususally tell u what they are about in the first week of the relationship, we as women tend not to listen. but that is a next topic

Lawd Gawd if this ain't the truth!!

I hear so many woman wanting to change this or that or expecting something different than what they saw in the beginning, and then get all confused when it dont change.

one of my points exactly...change who he is for what !!

right because that is why we fell in love wid dem

I think there is a fine line between wanting to change someone and wanting someone to grow and mature. When you get married there should be change...the roles of a spouse are different than those of a fiance or BF/GF. There should always be changing going on (hopefully for the better) as we mature and grow and learn from experience. So there is a difference IMO of wanting to change someone (characteristics/personality etc) and wanting them to change/mature (responsibility/roles etc).

The problem is YOU want them to change. They have to want to change for themselves. Thats usually when the problems come is when one person wants this or that and the other isn't ready or capable of giving it...or they are too stubborn to change just cause you asked them to.

I hear that and agree that the person themselves has to want the change. Always. No one will change unless they themselves want it. I was just pointing out that there is a difference between wanting to change someone and wanting them to change. Some women go into a relationship knowing the man is an idiot and won't make a good husband...others go into a relationship with a great guy who then can't (or doesn't want to) live up to the responsibilites/roles of a husband. Just pointing out that there is a difference.

[SupportOAFJF 0]

yup, he is who he is, always remember that, and men ususally tell u what they are about in the first week of the relationship, we as women tend not to listen. but that is a next topic

Lawd Gawd if this ain't the truth!!

I hear so many woman wanting to change this or that or expecting something different than what they saw in the beginning, and then get all confused when it dont change.

one of my points exactly...change who he is for what !!

right because that is why we fell in love wid dem

I think there is a fine line between wanting to change someone and wanting someone to grow and mature. When you get married there should be change...the roles of a spouse are different than those of a fiance or BF/GF. There should always be changing going on (hopefully for the better) as we mature and grow and learn from experience. So there is a difference IMO of wanting to change someone (characteristics/personality etc) and wanting them to change/mature (responsibility/roles etc).

The problem is YOU want them to change. They have to want to change for themselves. Thats usually when the problems come is when one person wants this or that and the other isn't ready or capable of giving it...or they are too stubborn to change just cause you asked them to.

I hear that and agree that the person themselves has to want the change. Always. No one will change unless they themselves want it. I was just pointing out that there is a difference between wanting to change someone and wanting them to change. Some women go into a relationship knowing the man is an idiot and won't make a good husband...others go into a relationship with a great guy who then can't (or doesn't want to) live up to the responsibilites/roles of a husband. Just pointing out that there is a difference.

why weren't these issues of change brought about b4 marriage ? some ooman feel dem can use MARRIAGE to change a man..they think the man is obligated now u have on rings...

[Jengles 0]

dyam ya'll really chatting today fi true

[SupportOAFJF 0]

dyam ya'll really chatting today fi true

look u run weh everybody..cha

[*JG* 2]

Great topics I'll post my experince soon.

But I have question - Is there anything your SO won't do in the house?

Damien and I share the housework. We both clean and do our own laundry. I do majority of the cooking. My daughter does the dishes. However, the first year we lived together he would get so upset when I asked him to take the trash out. I mean we would get into huge drag out fights over the trash....our neighbors knocked on the door once because we were too loud. It wasn't like I woke him up in the middle of the night to take it out or anything like that. He would simply get upset because I asked him....the nerve of me.

be right back...

Nope....not a thing. He does almost all the laundry too. I just fold it.

He tends not to like to clean the bathroom, so I do usually do that. But, in a pinch, he'll do it without sucking teeth.

[*JG* 2]

If have something to say...I am going to say it! Most of us were raised by extremely STRONG Mothers and the days when we stand by and have our man talk for us are LANG GONE!!! When women started joining the workforce in droves ...we had to start speaking up or get pushed dung!

Bless,

Gill

Ok mi cyaan resist...mi muss put inna thoughts pon dis...

I was raised to be very independent and know how to take care of myself. For the most part I raised myself in my early teenage years and beyond. I had to grow up fast and take care of my bro and sis because my parents were so messed up and weren't really around to do the parenting much. So I grew up taking care of myself and not taking any bs. Andre says that he one of the reasons that he was attracted to me in JA was because I could handle myself well and didn't put up with anything...I spoke my mind and stood up for myself. Not sure if that makes me aggressive...it is just the way I am.

I do know that Andre has said many times that he feels like sometimes I don't need him. That I can handle myself and my business and don't have to rely on him for anything. While I do rely on him for many things I guess he is intimidated by the way I take care of business and the resources I have acquired over the years and that I really don't need him to survive, know what I mean?

Well adding my 2 cents....

I think this is a big part of the problem. Many times as independent women we do give off the vibe that we don't need a man for this or for that and we are strong and all this stuff...so when we do get with a man that ideology doesnt just go away. It can be prtrayed to your man....hence him feeling like you don't need him. Every man wants to feel like he is needed by his woman.....don't care where you come from. Yes he may like that you can hold your own and handle your biz...but he also wants to know and feel proud that you can reliquish it all to him and depend on him for a bit. Its just part of being a man. Think about what contitutes 'manhood' to a decent man......taking care of himself and his family, being the provider and protector, his bravado, sex. These are things that are instilled in men from their birth as to what make them a man. We as women have had some sorry men in our lives and essetially taken on the responsibilites that were once solely given to men. Now that we are with a man...and doing everything that he has been told he is supposed to do...well essentially we are dominating his territory...in his house. Most men will have a problem with this. They may not know how to deal with it and then begin to blame the woman and say she is too independent or aggressive or treats him like a child...and I gotta say...some women are all those things...some are not.

I think Jamaican men have this issue even more engrained in them because culturally that is the way things are in JA. Men inherently do not have the same opportunities to flex their manhood as men in the states. So they flex it in the way they know how...one being breeding women up and down im yaad. The other being holding a bit of money in im pocket deh, and shedding a likkle cash pon im baby mama. Culturally these things happen a bit more there and actually shape what a man thinks he should be doing as a man. Of course there are Jamaican men nothing like this...but the idea of being able to lace your woman with some cash feels good to a man.

Again I think its all about understanding ones culture when topic like this come up in your marriage. Lots of times I think people are not compassionate enough to communicate there dislikes and it becomes a bigger issue rather than a misunderstanding.

While I hear what you are saying I must inquire about something...if a man understands that the woman he is marrying is independent and can handle herself why should that change when they get married? Why should he now all of a sudden be intimidated by it? Especially if I am letting him be the man and totally stroking his ego? I understand that some women give off the vibe and really act like they don't need the man...but when the woman isn't acting like that then there really is no need for the man to be intimidated yet sometimes they still are. It really is engrained in them but that doesn't make it right. Hope that made sense...I am writing fast here at work.

Well if it gets all the way to this type of situation then the man obviously has problems. Being independent out of the relationship is different once you are IN a relationship and I think you should act accordingly. Now if in all fairness the woman is truly doing all that she can to show her need and appreication for her husand and he still wants to act up then its him who has bigger problems to combat within himself.

I just think that some women...tend to either baby their men, then get upset when the man start expecting certain things from them, or they treat the man like a child and like he has no brain of his own and cant make his on decisions or mistakes, thus making the man feel like you don't respect his manhood. I think as women we allways wanting our men to grow up and change or do this or do that and we rarely look at the craziness we need to change in ourselves or the way in which we handle our men. As a woman I think we have a tendency to cross the line in being caretaker and partner. As you can see, with all the MIL problems some people have. Classic case of a woman babying her son. Sometimes we don't know to treat our husbands differently from our children.

Hmmmm.....not all MIL issues are due to the mother babying her son. Some may be the exact opposite.

[*JG* 2]

i think that what u are saying would be valid in most situations, but in most of our situations, these men have no idea what america is all about. mr jengles won't stop saying that he doesn't want me to work even now that he is here. if they see us in their environment all the time, when they come into our environment, they are still bringing their ideas/culture with them.

To me a man does what needs to be done. period. My needs are different, now not saying it may not take a while for his to see that, but the need is there, fill that need and we will be golden. and as for stroking ego's, wish somebody could stroke mine.

Thats true and I definitely think there is a grace/adjustment period but if things are still the same way a couple years in without any adaption/compromise etc...then that is what causes the problem.

Yeah stroking of the egos definitely needs to be a two way street

Compromise starts at the beginning of the relationship or it's a rocky road. Adaptation is one thing....change is another.

[*JG* 2]

yup, he is who he is, always remember that, and men ususally tell u what they are about in the first week of the relationship, we as women tend not to listen. but that is a next topic

Lawd Gawd if this ain't the truth!!

I hear so many woman wanting to change this or that or expecting something different than what they saw in the beginning, and then get all confused when it dont change.

You are all kidding yourselves if you think people don't change throughout the course of a relationship. It is especially true of the visa process.

yup, he is who he is, always remember that, and men ususally tell u what they are about in the first week of the relationship, we as women tend not to listen. but that is a next topic

Lawd Gawd if this ain't the truth!!

I hear so many woman wanting to change this or that or expecting something different than what they saw in the beginning, and then get all confused when it dont change.

one of my points exactly...change who he is for what !!

Yuh knoa! Seh if mi marry im wen im act like wan rass fool, den wha mi a do?

tan wid di blasted fool..dats how some women get di idiots den have... ...AGAIN IT'S ADJUSTMENT NOT CHANGE !!

I'd argue that a little. When you adjust, you inevitably change your way of thinking and doing things.

The basics of who you are always stay the same; but things change along the way through life.

[*JG* 2]

yup, he is who he is, always remember that, and men ususally tell u what they are about in the first week of the relationship, we as women tend not to listen. but that is a next topic

Lawd Gawd if this ain't the truth!!

I hear so many woman wanting to change this or that or expecting something different than what they saw in the beginning, and then get all confused when it dont change.

one of my points exactly...change who he is for what !!

right because that is why we fell in love wid dem

I think there is a fine line between wanting to change someone and wanting someone to grow and mature. When you get married there should be change...the roles of a spouse are different than those of a fiance or BF/GF. There should always be changing going on (hopefully for the better) as we mature and grow and learn from experience. So there is a difference IMO of wanting to change someone (characteristics/personality etc) and wanting them to change/mature (responsibility/roles etc).

Exactly what I was trying to get at YW. Beautifully put.

[*JG* 2]

why weren't these issues of change brought about b4 marriage ? some ooman feel dem can use MARRIAGE to change a man..they think the man is obligated now u have on rings...

I suppose it would depend on if you lived with him before marriage or not. Some things just do not come up until you live together.

[SupportOAFJF 0]

how can u force someone to change just b/c ur married now..it is all compromise...u give a little I givew a little..often one spouse forces the other away b/c of the demands that are put on him/her

inevitably change ur way of thinking ?..hmm i've seen adjustment and let me tell u that the way of thinking has not changed one bit..when they get out of their work or friends they go right back to being what/who they are...how many of these older men u see in this country and move right back to JA..

I suppose it would depend on if you lived with him before marriage or not. Some things just do not come up until you live together.

hmmm....never lived with my husband and when issues come up we talk/fight about it and then try to make sure it doesn't happen again....COMPROMISE not change

Edited February 26, 2008 by kimmykashi

[SupportOAFJF 0]

if these changes are so necessary they MUST have come about at some point during courtship...like if ur So is immature, stubborn..or whatever....unless u didn't know each other