Topics to be discussed before moving/marrying

[Cassie 8]

I'm certainly in agreement with you. Just by talking everyday for the last 2+ years, we've talked out many of these topics and more, and never resorted to going down a bulleted list as this. I was just curious if there was anything significant we overlooked so far.

erm, as someone who used a list of topics, we made it a fun game -- ie. is there anything we havent talked about yet?? It wasnt a "we have to talk about all of this before we get married" kind of a deal, just something we did for fun.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

agreed - my 'list' wasn't as a 'bulleted list' either - these are matters that have generally come up AFTER we were married that, in retrospect, it would have been good to know earlier. These are the areas that undergo compromise and change when you are learning to live with another person. In many cases, it is good to be aware of these issues and they may not be biggies - but, and it is a big but - some of them might be very important and cause a great deal of stress during those initial days of accommodating each other into your own space. Forewarned is forearmed and might be a way to dissipate any potential problems before they materialize.

[rebeccajo 14]

How often she will want to travel back home.

How to handle communication with family back home.

How to handle language barriers inside and outside the home - ie same words but a slightly different twist of the meaning.

How to deal with possible discrimination outside the home.

How to understand Americans socially - how they are different than people in her country.

How to understand everyday life in America ain't what you see in the movies.

[StillThePrettiest 3]

I think going down a bullet list is better than leaving some of the topics out

yes, it may seem a little clinical, but odds are you've covered most of them already, and if not, wouldn't you rather? I don't mind where inspiration comes from; I'd rather be prepared

we've covered pretty much every topic under the sun, just as our conversations have moved about from topic to topic... however I'm still going to look at the list, and see if there's anything else we should maybe discuss

[StoryAngel 4]

I submitted one of the bulleted lists earlier, but I didn't mean that we actually sat down and had some kind of formal meeting using that as the agenda or anything! We've talked every single day for the past 2.5 years and we've covered pretty much every one of the topics between ourselves. We don't have any taboo subjects and we don't have any secrets. He's my best buddy in the whole world... We're still going through with premarital counselling not necessarily because there's some big huge topic that we haven't covered, but to draw on other peoples' experiences (I go to an international church so there are a LOT of intercultural marriages). Ultimately it's about WANTING to make it work.

[StillThePrettiest 3]

that sounds so good

I agree about the wanting... of course, very few people go into a marriage wanting it NOT to work, but there are degrees of wanting, and people will do different things, and sacrifice different things (like pride) in order to make it happen, while others will not... certainly I believe that love is a choice as much as it is a feeling (and my partner and I sometimes say that to each other, when we're annoyed - rather than ranting and shouting, we'll say something like 'well, let's just say this is a time I'm CHOOSING to love you' and we get each other's meaning loud and clear )

[Emancipation 2]

We were both divorced so it was critical for us to discuss the relationships we had previously, and to be honest and open and realize blind spots and mistakes from the past and to discuss what the relationship would be involving the step children (his) and the ongoing communication he needs to have with his ex-wife as a result. That stuff is SO important to go over- and to be in agreement about, so you don't become a jealous/stressed out "2nd wife", or wind up in the same difficulties and issues as the 1st marriage.

[*JG* 2]

How you will handle boredom, stress, and what expectations you have of each other. Many who have come through have strayed because they have been bored, overwhelmed, and, thus, stressed. One person goes off to work at one, maybe two jobs, while the other sits in an unfamiliar home looking to fill their time. The internet, the mall, and meeting new "friends" has been something I read about all the time. Once the SO gets here, the waiting period for the ability to work and even drive can be months and months. What do you expect of one another during that time? It's important to think about and discuss.

[rebeccajo 14]

How you will handle boredom, stress, and what expectations you have of each other. Many who have come through have strayed because they have been bored, overwhelmed, and, thus, stressed. One person goes off to work at one, maybe two jobs, while the other sits in an unfamiliar home looking to fill their time. The internet, the mall, and meeting new "friends" has been something I read about all the time. Once the SO gets here, the waiting period for the ability to work and even drive can be months and months. What do you expect of one another during that time? It's important to think about and discuss.

*winks*

Our relationships are wonderful but they have more adjustments than a 'normal' marriage, don't you think?

[Y's_habibitk 2]

We have covered most everything everyone has mentioned.

I think it is vital to discuss these things. So many relationships, no matter the dynamic can suffer from issues of expectations.

Good thread

[Udella&Wiz 325]

We found that although we're both big talkers and had meandered through most of the subjects listed here, there were still things we didn't anticipate:

- we both have our own kids living in our home - 2 teenagers a year apart, both in highschool

-> allowance (to give or not)

-> their sleep habits - let them sleep away the day or wake them up for family stuff

-> computer/ tv access - how much, when?

-> chores for them - do they have/need any? their tidyness around the house

-> handling the 'ex' issues - they are your stepchild's parent after all

The list goes on...we've found what we accept as normal from our own children, is not necessarily what the other person considers ok. We talk about what's on our minds and make suggestions to each other. We need to be fair to both and realized we can't change all the rules right away, but we each handle the discussions with our own kids initially and this wards off any hard feeling towards the step parent.

I would say you could try to talk about everything, but reality is what counts. It may turn out that you thought you cared about something but you don't. Or that you never new it bugged you that someone else squeezes the toothpaste tube in the middle. I'm bad for the 'middle squeeze' myself

[Caladan 19]

What does your ideal life look like? Be serious about the answers. What will you do if your life doesn't match your ideal?

[rjp44 1]

Wives from some countries will want to help their families back home financially. It's another thing that should be discussed in advance.

[*JG* 2]

How you will handle boredom, stress, and what expectations you have of each other. Many who have come through have strayed because they have been bored, overwhelmed, and, thus, stressed. One person goes off to work at one, maybe two jobs, while the other sits in an unfamiliar home looking to fill their time. The internet, the mall, and meeting new "friends" has been something I read about all the time. Once the SO gets here, the waiting period for the ability to work and even drive can be months and months. What do you expect of one another during that time? It's important to think about and discuss.

*winks*

Our relationships are wonderful but they have more adjustments than a 'normal' marriage, don't you think?

Oh, absolutely. And, until you live it, you can't even imagine some of the stuff that comes up.

Wives from some countries will want to help their families back home financially. It's another thing that should be discussed in advance.

And husbands, as well. This is a big thing to discuss, I think. How you feel about it. How your SO feels about it. How you will both deal if you can't help. And, of course those undless phone calls you will get regarding this very subject.

[JODO 2]

Whether it is appropriate to eat ice cream in bed