Topics to be discussed before moving/marrying

[Brian & Kathy 0]

I was hoping to draw upon the collected experience of those who have successfully gotten the visa and come here to live. My feeling is, what better way to spend this long waiting period than securing our future together more strongly. What do you feel are important topics to discuss before marrying and sharing a life together?

For both of us, marriage will be a new experience and we'll have a LOT to learn together, but we look forward to it.

We've talked about a lot of everyday living things so far and it is enjoyable. Some topics are easier to talk about than others of course.

Money -

Religion -

Household reponsibilities/duties -

Expectations of eachother -

Responsibilty to parents -

[StoryAngel 4]

I completely agree .... it's vitally important! When my SO comes to visit next month, we're scheduled in to meet up with an international couple at my church who will mentor us in premarital counselling. Below is a list I came across when looking for possible topics to discuss. We've talked about just about all of them already, but there's always room for improvement!

(1) communication

(2) resolving conflicts

(3) expectations of marriage

(4) money matters

(5) recreational activities

(6) children & parenting

(7) family & friends

(8) husband / wife roles

(9) family backgrounds

(10) religious views & practices

(11) personality concerns

(12) the sexual relationship.

[Mononoke28 135]

Money was one of the first things I brought up and how it should be spent. We both agree on doing/handling it one way so there haven't been any issues regarding that.

Religion is another issue we brought up.

Relationship with each other's families.

Household chores.

Support each other's dreams and career goals.

Those are the only things I can think of right now.

Diana

[Mrs.J06 4]

I completely agree .... it's vitally important! When my SO comes to visit next month, we're scheduled in to meet up with an international couple at my church who will mentor us in premarital counselling. Below is a list I came across when looking for possible topics to discuss. We've talked about just about all of them already, but there's always room for improvement!

(1) communication

(2) resolving conflicts

(3) expectations of marriage

(4) money matters

(5) recreational activities

(6) children & parenting

(7) family & friends

(8) husband / wife roles

(9) family backgrounds

(10) religious views & practices

(11) personality concerns

(12) the sexual relationship.

Wow, you sure will be prepared!

But I absolutely agree, there are issues that need to be discussed in advance, especially in an intra-cultural relationship.

Money is VERY important, seems to come up as a problem frequently. Isn't it also the #1 reason for divorce? Also, the decision about whether or not children are planned.

We talked about money matters and made our decision about children while still in a LDR. I also felt the urge to talk about how to handle my ties to my home country and the need to have the ability to go back on a regular basis, if possible.

Everything else didn't seem to be too important and we didn't run into huge trouble yet.

[Nancy2015 2]

Way too many things I wish I'd known before I got married

Politics, relationships with each other's families, having friends and respecting each other's personal freedom. Homesickness and the alien spouse's possible desire to move back to the native country.

[Vi Mazzella 4]

How will do the dishes???

[Brian & Kathy 0]

With a dish washing machine.

How will do the dishes???

[Kathryn41 3,205]

comfort levels re: cleanliness/disorder of house on a daily basis; temperature of house winter and summer (ie. he likes it cold, she likes it hot, he likes windows closed she likes them open, etc.); social interaction with others - how much or how little? doing chores right away or waiting a little bit before getting to them?

communication issues - how should you express your concerns about a situation in a way that allows the other to listen without becoming defensive (discuss this when you don't have any concerns and let each other know how you want the other person to discuss this with you); how do you express yourself when you are unhappy, homesick, frustrated, angry, in agreement, in disagreement so the other person knows what you are feeling - (especially important in cross-cultural relationships);being appreciated - how is that expressed and received by each other (ie. gifts, words of love, doing favours, etc.) - what makes each of you feel heard and appreciated - we tend to express our appreciation in the style that makes us feel appreciated, but our spouse may not have the same style - find out!

morning person/night person? when are you each at your best and at your worst?

learning curve re: adaptation to US society- make sure both of you understand how this might manifest; learning new appliances; learning new driving rules; learning a new language

levels of independence and mutual support - how much 'alone' time do each of you need (becomes important after the honeymoon begins to fade) and how do you show the other that they are still loved and appreciated if you have different needs for your own space?

how do you each feel about continuing friendships from each other's pasts - especially opposite gender friends?

how much extended family connections do you each expect to maintain (ie visit parents every weekend or only at Christmas, etc.); where will you spend 'holidays' and special events - ie. Christmas alternating at each other's country?; sending money to help out spouse's family - how much, why and when?

any special customs or traditions that are significant for each other - how to accept/incorporate into new life together?

decorating styles - you like modern, she likes traditional, you like minimalist, she is a pack rat; what colours you like and feel comfortable in, how can you compromise if you have significant differences?

and - the small things - how DOES the toilet paper go on the roll; who takes out the garbage and when; when do you write out the bills - weekly, twice a month, monthly? do you rinse the dishes under running water or a pan of water; toilet seat up or down; dirty clothes put in the hamper or left on the floor? who has control of the TV remote? you know the questions!

Edited November 17, 2007 by Kathryn41

[tweety 1]

Something (not mentioned before?), but really worth discussing:

- children (if, when, how many you want)

- career plans (does one of you want to go back to college full-time/part-time, do you have/want a career that includes long trips away from home, do you expect your spouse to work full-time etc etc.)

Of course some issues may play a bigger role in some ppls life than others. Discuss whatever you find an important issue.

It's important to be on the same page with these. Marriage shouldn't be about big surprises following the honeymoon.

It's about knowing the package and liking and/or tolerating what's in it.

Good luck to you both!

Edited November 17, 2007 by tweety

[Cassie 8]

Somewhere on the internet I found this big long list of questions in different categories that you should ask before you get married. I think it was on Oprah on a link from Oprah's website because there was a book at the time out that talked about that very thing.** I printed them off and we would talk about a couple of them every night. It helped to confirm that yes, I think we would be ok when I moved down there and we got married, and that he was a patient man and willing communicator.

**I think it was this book, but if you look at the listing, there seems to be a few of them out there!

http://www.amazon.com/1001-Questions-Ask-B...d/dp/0071438033

[nin 1]

These lists all seem so.. planned...

While I don't have any advice as neat looking I'll tell what we did.

We talked, a lot, but no planned bulleted topic sessions We covered everything from politics and religion to circumcision of future kids, hopes and dreams, likes, dislikes and bad personality traits. Previous relationship mishaps, toilet seats, toothpaste tube caps. Let's just say we covered a lot.

We found out that we disagree and have very different views sometimes.

We also found out we can discuss these issues. Sometimes we find a middle way, sometimes one compromises their way a little more than the other, because their argument is stronger or because it obviously means more to the other person, and sometimes we just agree to disagree. I think THAT is important too. =)

[tweety 1]

I think it also makes a difference how long or how well you know your future spouse. We've been dating for years before we got married - so naturally we covered many topics naturally during the years and got to know each other's opinions. There was never a need for us to pull a "bulletin-list" right before getting married. We already knew what we were getting ourselves into before he popped the question lol

[Brian & Kathy 0]

I'm certainly in agreement with you. Just by talking everyday for the last 2+ years, we've talked out many of these topics and more, and never resorted to going down a bulleted list as this. I was just curious if there was anything significant we overlooked so far.

I have to admit, we havn't talked about the toilet seat, toilet paper direction or toothpaste tube caps yet... We'd better talk them out, but I think these will be non-issue. I grew up with 2 sisters, so my toilet seat habits are good. TP direction doesn't matter to me; and when we are together, the toothpaste tube cap always seems to be secured after each use. So far so Good!

Brian

These lists all seem so.. planned...

While I don't have any advice as neat looking I'll tell what we did.

We talked, a lot, but no planned bulleted topic sessions We covered everything from politics and religion to circumcision of future kids, hopes and dreams, likes, dislikes and bad personality traits. Previous relationship mishaps, toilet seats, toothpaste tube caps. Let's just say we covered a lot.

We found out that we disagree and have very different views sometimes.

We also found out we can discuss these issues. Sometimes we find a middle way, sometimes one compromises their way a little more than the other, because their argument is stronger or because it obviously means more to the other person, and sometimes we just agree to disagree. I think THAT is important too. =)

Edited November 17, 2007 by Brian & Kathy

[Brian & Kathy 0]

Picture taking is a different story though! She likes sky.... I like ground. She likes to see the very very top of buildings and trees... I am good at cutting the top off. But no matter what, we have a lot of fun and get the best pictures ever.

Brian

[pinktulips 0]

Let me add a few to that....Love involves conflict because it is inescapable, even the healthiest marriage has conflict and we must wisely respond to and manage conflict in effective ways. It would also be healthy for a marriage to never bring mistakes of the past and never go to sleep with an argument unsettled...this may sound generic but you have nothing to lose if you say "sorry". After all, our objective is to restore harmony for the good of the marriage and not to push one another. When i criticize about his Marlboro...i do it lovingly ( sorry honey... ) Remember it takes both hands to clap and it takes two to make a quarrel.

Immature love says.."I love you because I need you."

Mature love says..."I need you because I Love you."