What if I made a Big Mistake

[helsbells 0]

Does anyone else find it difficult in the States being away from family? I have been here 3 yrs now and instead of getting better I think it is actually getting worse. I fight with my husband constantly about different aspects and feel that I have lost a sense of myself.

I guess I was just wanting some positive feedback.

[Nancy2015 2]

I feel the same way.

Family is not too big of a concern for me, but my friends are. I miss them so bad...

[helsbells 0]

It hard huh? He has made it clear that no matter what he will not live in Australia. Also it does not help that we have differing opinions about money.

[Otto 83]

(read this, both male and female, it will definately help )

[helsbells 0]

hahaha! Maybe I should start self medicating through self help books! .... and possibly Valium

[trailmix 77]

Hey, that is too bad, sorry to hear you are having a hard time. It's hard to move sometimes, when you are feeling cut off from your family and friends.

It's also too bad that your Husband isn't flexible about where he will live (not trying to be negative about him, guess it's just a fact).

What are your differing views about money, does it have to do with your travelling back home for visits?

Another thing, you should try to call home more, should help dispel some of the homesickness

[helsbells 0]

I speak with my Mum every week which does help. He basically does not like me spending money on anything, so I have gone from having a lifestyle of moderate shopping, eating out and vacationing to very little - I have not bought an item of clothing in a year because when I did he would flip out. On the upside we save alot but I feel for the first time in my life, that I am a slave to money. Is it so bad to covet sometimes?

I have worked consistently since being in the states and am beginning to resent this sort of lifestyle. Maybe we are too different?

[rebeccajo 14]

I speak with my Mum every week which does help. He basically does not like me spending money on anything, so I have gone from having a lifestyle of moderate shopping, eating out and vacationing to very little - I have not bought an item of clothing in a year because when I did he would flip out. On the upside we save alot but I feel for the first time in my life, that I am a slave to money. Is it so bad to covet sometimes?

I have worked consistently since being in the states and am beginning to resent this sort of lifestyle. Maybe we are too different?

Did you talk about money before you got married?

[Jasman0717 9]

I can't imagine living in another country but guess I will get my shot in about 1190 days.

[helsbells 0]

Not as much as we should have... I do try and discuss it now but he is obstinant and I dont know how to change it. I am not saying that I want it entirely my way, I just want to meet in the middle somewhere but he will not. He is very stubborn.

[rebeccajo 14]

I can't imagine living in another country but guess I will get my shot in about 1190 days.

Ooooooooo.....what you got cookin', Jim?

Not as much as we should have... I do try and discuss it now but he is obstinant and I dont know how to change it. I am not saying that I want it entirely my way, I just want to meet in the middle somewhere but he will not. He is very stubborn.

You can't 'change' somebody. Seriously you can't.

You can ask for a compromise but you can't change someone's behavior.

[Mrs.J06 4]

He basically does not like me spending money on anything, so I have gone from having a lifestyle of moderate shopping, eating out and vacationing to very little - I have not bought an item of clothing in a year because when I did he would flip out.

That sounds like he's more than just "stubborn" about money! If you work, you have the right to treat yourself to a little something every once in a while! It's not like you are overspending or piling up credit card debt, is it? Hell, that I could not handle!

Adjusting is hard, even under the best of circumstances. And knowing that your partner won't live in your country doesn't help. I'm in the same boat, we just can't move to Germany right now, hubby would never find a decent job, we bought a house while prices were still high and now we are stuck, we just can't do it financially. But at least he's not just stubborn about it, it's just the way it is now.

Most people seem to find out about the problems that come up in "normal" life only when they actually live together. We did, too, to a certain degree. Thankfully our ideas (mostly) match, but that's not always the case.

Sorry for babbling away, I guess bottom line is - I think you need to sit down in peace and quiet and discuss the goals you have and the lifestyle each of you has in mind. If they do not match up at all, there will always be trouble...

Goodluck on whatever you decide!

[Krikit 1,165]

Hells bells. LOL. I haven't heard that since my Nanny passed away many years ago. Thanks for the memory, Helsbells.

I find it very hard being away from friends and family too. I think the loss of a support system tends to exacerbate any problems one may be encountering in married life. But I do believe that marriage carries a HUGE learning curve for the first 5-10 years, so it's good to be prepared for that aspect of it.

I think it's immensely important to not deny yourself some of the pleasures in life. Just as you pay your bills each month, you have to pay yourself, too, as a reward for all of the hard work you do. The resentment will only grow if you do not. It appears that your husband's idea of a reward is to build your savings account. Since your reward system is non-existent, you need to have a talk with him and have some fun money built into your budget. Sure it's good to be responsible, but life is also meant to be enjoyed. Have some fun and enjoy it while you can. I can't imagine many people on their deathbed have said they wished they had more money in the bank or spent more time at work. But I bet they have said that they wished they'd bought that beautiful dress or taken that trip down the Nile or tried that expensive wine or or or.

Have a heart-to-heart with your husband, Helsbells. I'm sure he'd rather you discuss it with him, now, while he's in a position to do something about it, rather than find out when you're gone and it's too late. (((Big hugs)))

[LoriLawless 0]

I agree, you can try and talk to him, tell him how you feel.

However, I imagine you've tried that already from what you've said.

You could try counseling if he would go.

You need to tell him if you haven't, that you are (apparently) at the end of your rope and something needs to change before he loses you.

Goodluck.

[MissStacey 1]

I agree with trying counseling- even if he decides he won't go- go a few times on your own and see if it helps you.