trust issues

[morocco4ever 63]

I would never base the validity on the relationship on the fact that you are helping him financially. I never sent money to my husband before we got married, but there were ocassions that he needed a few dollars to pay the internet, or once to get him some glasses. I left him with a debit card on my second visit there, but he rarely used it, and when he did he asked me in advance if it was okay. We are talking $10.00 at a time here.

On the other hand I do believe there are scammers out there. You send him money, another "fiance" sends him money...etc. You are engaged, but what are your marriage plans? How much time does he spend with you on the internet? Have you met his family? How many times have you met in person? Does he constantly ask you to come out as soon as possible to spend some time with him? You really need to ensure that his intentions are towards a future with you, not just what he can get out of you.

I know personally of a man in Morocco that was getting money from one girl to pay for a beach house while he stayed in the beach house with another woman. He went on to use many others after her. His justification is that these women were lonely and they had to "pay for him to spend time talking to them and making them happy".

I personally would test him, as the others have said. Not come right out and say that you are cutting him off, but perhaps you have additional expenses at the moment. If he loves you and is not using you he will stick around. If he is he will disappear. Trust me, I tested my husband in every fashion imaginable before I married him and he passed the tests. Some might think that is extreme, but the fact is that this is my heart, and I am not going to allow any one to break it. My husband is now fully aware of my tests, and suprisingly he is glad that I did test him. He admits there are many out there that are using women, and it is my right to be sure 100% before I married him.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I sure hope no one means to, but posters sure seem to be implying in this thread that if there is an exchange of money that there must be something wrong with the man.

Sure, there are a lot of scammers out there and women are being duped. BUT sending money in and of itself does not signal a flawed relationship. All the boasting about how my hsbands doesnt take money - what does that prove?

I wasn't boasting I was just telling people mine and my husbands view of the matter. I'm not saying that if money was being exchanged by other couples that it should be a red flag, I was just stating how Hassan and I feel about that matter.

Hassan is also in Kuwait...

The median salary in Algeria is 7000 dinars a month which is 11o dollars a month... A taxi is one dollar, a haircut is one dollar..

but a hotel room if you want privacy is 70 to a 100 dollars a night...

I agree money is absolutely NOT the only indicator

[Nasturtium 500]

Ammar was the main source of support for his family, but as an unmarried male he lived at home (also he was the only unmarried male who was left to support his family). he was primary care giver for both of his parents who are now deceased. He did not want to initially get married because he could not afford to buy a house, furniture, etc as is culturally normal. BUT! He decided because I waived my right to that that we could.. BUT! he still never accepted money from me and paid for everything minus my plane tickets and calls. He paid for his calls to me, I paid for my calls to him. So we were essentially financially independant of each other. He wouldn't accept money from me and basically said what Melissa's Hassan said about the man being responsible to pay for his wife, etc. I know he took out loans to pay for our apartments, etc... so I guess it went to the extent that he felt even if he didn't have the money, he was still responsible for figuring it out himself. He didn't discuss it with me. It was his business.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Ammar was the main source of support for his family, but as an unmarried male he lived at home (also he was the only unmarried male who was left to support his family). he was primary care giver for both of his parents who are now deceased. He did not want to initially get married because he could not afford to buy a house, furniture, etc as is culturally normal. BUT! He decided because I waived my right to that that we could.. BUT! he still never accepted money from me and paid for everything minus my plane tickets and calls. He paid for his calls to me, I paid for my calls to him. So we were essentially financially independant of each other. He wouldn't accept money from me and basically said what Melissa's Hassan said about the man being responsible to pay for his wife, etc. I know he took out loans to pay for our apartments, etc... so I guess it went to the extent that he felt even if he didn't have the money, he was still responsible for figuring it out himself. He didn't discuss it with me. It was his business.

I don't know about the rest of your husbands but my husband works long days and makes 150 a month. I will be damned if someone criticises me for buying a sheep for his family or showering everyone in presents or doing what I damn well please. Love and money are whatever people want them to be and frankly the happiest moments I have ever spent in my life were in his apartnment in Algeria that doesnt have a shower and a hot plate for a stove. Its clean. Its well kept.. The people are wonderful and I don't measure love with money. I know alot of women whos husbands pay for everything and they are complete cheaters and jackasses so I highly resent anyone telling me someone doesnt love me because they cannot give me material things. I have had material things all my life. Those nights under the moonligt with him and the nights I will spend next month in Algeria are everything to me. I love him. Damn money.. and damn materialistic people...The warm cous cous.. the rai music.. the dancing every night.. the atmosphere... VIVE aLGERIE...

[doodlebug 3]

heh

heh

you said cous cous

I don't know how many times I can say this but everyone's situation is different. My husband comes from poverty and he told me that upfront when we started talking to each other. I didn't care because it's the man inside that I care about not the level of class that he's in. When we first started talking and even when we decided to get married he hadn't a care in the world, lived with his sisters and his father and his father paid for everything. Sure he worked and he contributed here and there but quite frankly their needs were very few and they didn't need his money. Things changed though and his father died suddenly and just like *that* he, the only son, was responsible for taking care of his two younger sisters. The responsibility creeping up so fast was absolutely paralizing and couple that with mourning his very best friend and idol and on comes depression and doubt of your ability to deal with the situation. I won't get into the specifics because I could care less what anyone on here thinks of what I have done but I think it's important for those who take some people seriously on here to know that not all men from that region own property and not all men from that region have a great job like some of the doctors that are on here where they haven't a care or worry. Also not all men from that region are able to get loans. Sure a lot can but some, like any other men on the earth are living in poverty.

I helped him out when things happened, like when he had to miss work for a couple of weeks due to his father dying and the rent being due and the food needing to be purchased. I helped him out when he had to move from the flat they lived in their whole lives because it was being condemned by the gov't since it could fall down at a moment's notice. I'm not ashamed and quite frankly had I not helped him out I don't think I could live with myself. Here I am his wife for goodness sakes and I make $85k/year and live in a very nice town and I can't frikkin' swallow my pride enough to send him $100??? To me that's not love that's just proving a point and sometimes you have to push othere's judgements aside and let the humanity and compassion inside you free.

Now granted, I would never pay him a set monthly salary or pay his rent each moth. That's absurd. I've even stopped offering which was very hard due to some of the people on this board thinking I was being used and you know what? He is now working twice as hard selling his product all over Cairo asking anyone and everyone to please give him product on credit and delivers it all by foot. I'm proud of him and I'm proud of myself for helping him when I did because I know that he would and will do the same once he's here.

So flame away if you will but no words can ruin the contentment and love that I feel in my relationship. In the end it's between him, me and Allah and I know both he and I can hold our heads up high when the time comes.

[SandyNJack 5]

The reality is people will tell themselves what ever they have to to make themselves feel o.k. with what they choose to do. You never know about someone else, really, until they break your trust. Just becasuse you give money or they ask does not mean anything. Either a person is honorable or they are not and you will find out in the end. Just do not be too naive.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

heh

heh

you said cous cous

I don't know how many times I can say this but everyone's situation is different. My husband comes from poverty and he told me that upfront when we started talking to each other. I didn't care because it's the man inside that I care about not the level of class that he's in. When we first started talking and even when we decided to get married he hadn't a care in the world, lived with his sisters and his father and his father paid for everything. Sure he worked and he contributed here and there but quite frankly their needs were very few and they didn't need his money. Things changed though and his father died suddenly and just like *that* he, the only son, was responsible for taking care of his two younger sisters. The responsibility creeping up so fast was absolutely paralizing and couple that with mourning his very best friend and idol and on comes depression and doubt of your ability to deal with the situation. I won't get into the specifics because I could care less what anyone on here thinks of what I have done but I think it's important for those who take some people seriously on here to know that not all men from that region own property and not all men from that region have a great job like some of the doctors that are on here where they haven't a care or worry. Also not all men from that region are able to get loans. Sure a lot can but some, like any other men on the earth are living in poverty.

I helped him out when things happened, like when he had to miss work for a couple of weeks due to his father dying and the rent being due and the food needing to be purchased. I helped him out when he had to move from the flat they lived in their whole lives because it was being condemned by the gov't since it could fall down at a moment's notice. I'm not ashamed and quite frankly had I not helped him out I don't think I could live with myself. Here I am his wife for goodness sakes and I make $85k/year and live in a very nice town and I can't frikkin' swallow my pride enough to send him $100??? To me that's not love that's just proving a point and sometimes you have to push othere's judgements aside and let the humanity and compassion inside you free.

Now granted, I would never pay him a set monthly salary or pay his rent each moth. That's absurd. I've even stopped offering which was very hard due to some of the people on this board thinking I was being used and you know what? He is now working twice as hard selling his product all over Cairo asking anyone and everyone to please give him product on credit and delivers it all by foot. I'm proud of him and I'm proud of myself for helping him when I did because I know that he would and will do the same once he's here.

So flame away if you will but no words can ruin the contentment and love that I feel in my relationship. In the end it's between him, me and Allah and I know both he and I can hold our heads up high when the time comes.

I love my husband and I have done nice things for his family.... I have brought wheelchairs everytime i visit and donate them ti to the neighborhood. I bring makeup. I bring avon. I bring barbies. I bring t shirts. I bring toys for all the kids... the neighbors kids. I buy stuff at ross and give away purses... I do this because they appreciate the soaps.. the hershey bars... it makes me feel good. i have only helped my husband with something big one time... and I dont regret it because if I did not... I knew what would happen. I love him... I love him.... and I would never abandon his family or his cousins... I love all of them....

And I dont care what anyone thinks or says.. I love him and all that is with him...I cart those wheelchairs on board every trip and it freaks people out I do it. But its the right thing to do...and we have so much over here...

And I want to damn it.. I am buying the damn sheep... for anyone I want to... If I wanna buy 2 sheep...its my deal

[doodlebug 3]

The reality is people will tell themselves what ever they have to to make themselves feel o.k. with what they choose to do. You never know about someone else, really, until they break your trust. Just becasuse you give money or they ask does not mean anything. Either a person is honorable or they are not and you will find out in the end. Just do not be too naive.

That first sentence is a definite for sure, whether it be large age differences that go against the culture, giving money when someone is in real need, etc. Only the ones in the relationship know the real deal and all will most definitely find out in the end.

[SaadBell 0]

I don't know about the rest of your husbands but my husband works long days and makes 150 a month. I will be damned if someone criticizes me for buying a sheep for his family or showering everyone in presents or doing what I damn well please. Love and money are whatever people want them to be and frankly the happiest moments I have ever spent in my life were in his apartment in Algeria that doesn't have a shower and a hot plate for a stove.

It is still amazes me that most of Americas think there is no poverty, and that our welfare system is doing it's job. This is only half of what you see, we have a big poverty problem here. I have children that will go to bed without any food, in America. I have a family in crisis right now, and I am running all over to get them some food. If I have extra money I usually use it for my clients. I just can't see people starve in my own country. I have lived in the middle east and it is very lovely, but it isn't my home and never will be, because am an American. I think helping out is a wonderful thing to do, but I don't care if you send him your title of your home, but you don't have to get ugly about it. Personally I don't care about what other women do, but when you say

I know alot of women whos husbands pay for everything and they are complete cheaters and jackasses so I highly resent anyone telling me someone doesnt love me because they cannot give me material things.

Now I have a problem, so when you make a statement like that you are talking about most Muslim women, since they never give a man money, so that is just not cool. First off, I can barely support myself, I have done the sending money thing before, with someone else and got badly burned and left with a ton of bills. So I made a promise to myself that I would never ever do that again. I find that if someone says something that hits a sensitive spot people start calling names. If you feel ok with what you do than why even bother trying to defend yourself in a negative manner? I really do wish only for the best for everyone and really if you don't like what someone says, than sure you can defend yourself but you don't have to be nasty.

OK FLAME ME NOW CAUSE I KNOW IT IS COMING.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Giving a man money is certainly not the only cultural factor that can raise doubts. Fat women with slim men, white western women with non-white foreign men, independent women of means with poor men, people with different language barriers, cultures and/or religions marrying, meeting on the internet -all of these and more are against traditional norms in most every country in 2007, and just about every person posting in MENA has an element about their relationship that makes it suspect, so no one should be smugly pointing fingers at others.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I don't know about the rest of your husbands but my husband works long days and makes 150 a month. I will be damned if someone criticizes me for buying a sheep for his family or showering everyone in presents or doing what I damn well please. Love and money are whatever people want them to be and frankly the happiest moments I have ever spent in my life were in his apartment in Algeria that doesn't have a shower and a hot plate for a stove.

It is still amazes me that most of Americas think there is no poverty, and that our welfare system is doing it's job. This is only half of what you see, we have a big poverty problem here. I have children that will go to bed without any food, in America. I have a family in crisis right now, and I am running all over to get them some food. If I have extra money I usually use it for my clients. I just can't see people starve in my own country. I have lived in the middle east and it is very lovely, but it isn't my home and never will be, because am an American. I think helping out is a wonderful thing to do, but I don't care if you send him your title of your home, but you don't have to get ugly about it. Personally I don't care about what other women do, but when you say

I know alot of women whos husbands pay for everything and they are complete cheaters and jackasses so I highly resent anyone telling me someone doesnt love me because they cannot give me material things.

Now I have a problem, so when you make a statement like that you are talking about most Muslim women, since they never give a man money, so that is just not cool. First off, I can barely support myself, I have done the sending money thing before, with someone else and got badly burned and left with a ton of bills. So I made a promise to myself that I would never ever do that again. I find that if someone says something that hits a sensitive spot people start calling names. If you feel ok with what you do than why even bother trying to defend yourself in a negative manner? I really do wish only for the best for everyone and really if you don't like what someone says, than sure you can defend yourself but you don't have to be nasty.

OK FLAME ME NOW CAUSE I KNOW IT IS COMING.

I am not going to flame you because you really did not say anything... I just dont thik someone with a dr husband from kuwait can compare experiences with someone making 100 a month from Algeria....

Giving a man money is certainly not the only cultural factor that can raise doubts. Fat women with slim men, white western women with non-white foreign men, independent women of means with poor men, people with different language barriers, cultures and/or religions marrying, meeting on the internet -all of these and more are against traditional norms in most every country in 2007, and just about every person posting in MENA has an element about their relationship that makes it suspect, so no one should be smugly pointing fingers at others.

Yeah well GEG.... I am buying a sheep if I feel like it and I sure aint pointing fingers at any one on here....Not my thing

[doodlebug 3]

Personally I don't care about what other women do, but when you say

I know alot of women whos husbands pay for everything and they are complete cheaters and jackasses so I highly resent anyone telling me someone doesnt love me because they cannot give me material things.

Now I have a problem, so when you make a statement like that you are talking about most Muslim women, since they never give a man money, so that is just not cool. First off, I can barely support myself, I have done the sending money thing before, with someone else and got badly burned and left with a ton of bills. So I made a promise to myself that I would never ever do that again. I find that if someone says something that hits a sensitive spot people start calling names. If you feel ok with what you do than why even bother trying to defend yourself in a negative manner? I really do wish only for the best for everyone and really if you don't like what someone says, than sure you can defend yourself but you don't have to be nasty.

OK FLAME ME NOW CAUSE I KNOW IT IS COMING.

I'm a muslim woman and I have given my husband money. That's quite a blanket statement that you make about muslim women. The Prophet (PBUH) stated in the hadith narrated by Zaynab al-Thaqafiyyah, the wife of `Abdullah ibn Mas`ud (RAA): "The Prophet (PBUH) told us: `O women, give in charity even if it is some of your jewellery.' She said, `I went back to `Abdullah ibn Mas`ud and told him. `You are a man of little wealth, and the Prophet (PBUH) has commanded us to give charity, so go and ask him whether it is permissible for me to give you charity. If it is, I will do so; if it is not, I will give charity to someone else.' `Abdullah said, `No, you go and ask.' So I went, and I found a woman of the Ansar at the Prophet's door, who also had the question. We felt too shy to go in, out of respect, so Bilal came out and we asked him, `Go and tell the Messenger of Allah that there are two women at the door asking you: Is it permissible for them to give sadaqah to their husbands and the orphans in their care? But do not tell him who we are.' So Bilal went in and conveyed this message to the Prophet (PBUH), who asked, `Who are they?' Bilal said, `One of the women of the Ansar, and Zaynab/' The Prophet (PBUH) asked, `Which Zaynab is it?' Bilal said, `The wife of `Abdullah.' The Prophet (PBUH) said: `They will have two rewards, the reward for upholdithe relationship, and the reward for giving charity.'"³⁹ According to a report given by Bukhari, he said, "Your husband and your child are more deserving of your charity."⁴⁰

And as for being nasty, I think perhaps you may wanna review your siggy before you accuse others. People who live in glass houses and all that good stuff.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

FYI, Ganja_Girl, Muslim women can and do give men money. Khadijah, the Prophet's first wife, was his employer; she married below her social status when she married him, and financed his mission with her own money. Not to mention, their large age gap, 15 years, for those who are also hung up on that. There is precedent for a lot of things we otherwise think are beneath us, and Allah has put no barrier between a woman helping a man financially, should she choose to do so.

Edited November 14, 2007 by Green-eyed girl

[peezey 0]

I sure hope no one means to, but posters sure seem to be implying in this thread that if there is an exchange of money that there must be something wrong with the man.

Sure, there are a lot of scammers out there and women are being duped. BUT sending money in and of itself does not signal a flawed relationship. All the boasting about how my hsbands doesnt take money - what does that prove?

I don't get this hostility at all. I don't see what you are implying, the question is there, people are giving their situations and how their husbands feel.

[peezey 0]

I sure hope no one means to, but posters sure seem to be implying in this thread that if there is an exchange of money that there must be something wrong with the man.

Sure, there are a lot of scammers out there and women are being duped. BUT sending money in and of itself does not signal a flawed relationship. All the boasting about how my hsbands doesnt take money - what does that prove?

My thoughts exactly. Sorry to be so crude but it's like a P!ssing contest amoung some women on here about who's husband spent the most on them and who's never took money when times were tough. That's not really the way I would measure a man. Some people's men say that a middle eastern man who would take money from a woman are less than a man, yet those same men are chatting with 16 year old girls on the internet..not exactly the type of person I want to take advice from.

The point of my question is that I know most of the men who live in the poorer countries, (Kuwait appears to have no citizens below poverty level according to the cia guideline, though I don't know how up to date that is), also live with their parents. Is it that big of an achievement to pay for thier fiance/wife when they really have no other responsibilities? Not imho.

Again, I think you have to judge each situation individually and look at ALL the facts. You can just broadsweep and say that if a mena man takes money from his wife then he is less than a man. What happens when he comes to the US and pays it all back and then some? Did he suddenly move up to a "real" man? I know men who pay for everything and they're cheatin' lyin' sob's. You have to look at the entire picture.

That's all I'm saying. Some may come on here and read this stuff and rethink their relationship because *gasp* they sent their husband about $200 one time when things were rough. All because some people on a message board say that they never sent money and their husbands/fiances would never take it. I know for a fact at least one of the women on this thread is lying. Why? To make others on here think you're all that 'cause your husband never took money from you? Honestly who gives a sh!t what other people think? It's YOUR relationship and quite frankly if you're old enough to have traveled and gotten married I *think* you're old enough to know when something smells fishy and when something is authentic. If not then oh well I guess you'll learn a lesson (hopefully) but please don't make a decision based on what some people here and on other boards say. People are not always what they make themselves out to be.

How come only the women who send money to their husbands are treating the ones who don't with such hostility??

You can tell yourself whatever you want, but the fact remains, it is totally, 100% agains the culture and Islam to take money from one's wife, and is grounds for divorce. You make your own decisions and rationalize how you choose and do with your money as you see fit. But for you to be pissy because someone else's husband refuses to take money from a woman (following his religion and culture) is outrageous.