changing mind about visa for husband

[peonyflowers99 4]

Please DON'T apply for a visa for your husband. It is situations like yours that make is so much harder for the rest of us who are in mutually loving relationships not in financial/green card arrangements. If you think you do want to spend the rest of your life with the guy then you should go there and not offer any resources other than what the two of you can earn working in his country.

Hmm, chances are she isn't too concerned about your visa at this point

It's easy for us to say that we will do whatever it takes and wait as long as it takes etc etc - which is a darn good thing and I feel that way too - however - we don't know enough here. It sounds as though she is surrounded by people - she mentions her Mother, who are nay sayers.

It is not easy for every person to be surrounded by people saying - you are older, he asked you for money?? How will you support both of you?? he is from a country full of people looking for an easy way to a GC. We just don't know enough about the OP or her situation to say - hey you are having doubts - so throw in the towel.

One other thing the OP mentioned "I feel like I am the husband and he is the wife, even my mom said this". New immigrants have it tough, generally they can't work for a while and there is an adjustment phase. While he isn't actually with you yet, he obviously comes from a poor country where money is hard to come by. It will not be the traditional man out working scenario for a while after he gets here (if you decide to go ahead with the visa), but you already knew that, I'm sure to your Mom it looks really strange.

All I'm saying is that we shouldn't jump to conclusions based on the little bit that we know.

Well this story am sure i have seen it before, a couple of weeks ago, can't remember but it is the same. First i felt sorry for the lady, now i feel like it is a troll.

Sorry this is my opinion on the same story posted twice so far.

Good luck !

[chispas 0]

I feel for you having to make this decision, but at night when it is just you, the darkness and your God, what do you hear? Not the money, not the school nada. Just what do you hear? Go with that because even if it looks like a bad decision now there must be another door open at the end. The door is open if you listen. Will your SO listen? Will he lay at night and wait a little longer for what he is asking for? I know there are deadlines, but crossing the wrong lines will make you feel as if you were dead so just listen to the small inner voice. That little voice ,as small as it ,may speak really softly loves who is inside of you to much to scream orders. Hugs

Chispas

[C and J 1]

Well this story am sure i have seen it before, a couple of weeks ago, can't remember but it is the same. First i felt sorry for the lady, now i feel like it is a troll.

Sorry this is my opinion on the same story posted twice so far.

Good luck !

This post is actually 4 weeks old, so you are probably relating the same post to the same post. She is not a troll... I have had an inkling of exactly who this person was from the moment I read this post and she is ligitimate. The fact she does not want to disclose her normal screen name is her choice.

I wish her the best on this journey, no matter which route she decides to take.

[heartbroken 0]

Well this story am sure i have seen it before, a couple of weeks ago, can't remember but it is the same. First i felt sorry for the lady, now i feel like it is a troll.

Sorry this is my opinion on the same story posted twice so far.

Good luck !

This post is actually 4 weeks old, so you are probably relating the same post to the same post. She is not a troll... I have had an inkling of exactly who this person was from the moment I read this post and she is ligitimate. The fact she does not want to disclose her normal screen name is her choice.

I wish her the best on this journey, no matter which route she decides to take.

The thing is that sometimes a small amount of money goes a long way in a poor country. What we could spend in a fast food restaurant could feed a family for a week. You are very rich. (not here of course) You have to shop for a weeks worth of food at a time ! It may or may not have anything to do with your relationship or your marriage but to a man without food the man with table scraps is indeed living high on the hog.

Listen to your heart, listen to your head, listen to your God and then decide. Only you know which culture you have married into. Please don't get hurt but please also don't break two hearts by failing to realize that just because you are in a better financial situation does not mean that that is your only attractive feature. Do not be blind either.

Wow. That was helpful ! I think if I straddled the fence any better on that one I would be picking splinters out for months.

[Tanjay 0]

I have been posting regularly under another username but feel the need to vent anonymously.

I have been getting ready to file for CR-1/K-3 visa for my husband - we married in his (poor)country in June but I have been delaying filing because I have plenty of doubts. I think we married too soon for me to undertake something like the visa process which will disrupt my life(USC) perhaps even more than his - I wish I could have spent more time with him in his country, possibly even years, seeing what I alone will have to do to make a life for us here... I feel like I am the husband and he is the wife, even my mom said this.

I live in a very expensive metro area and really cannot afford even a studio on my salary - it is enough for the Affadavit of Support(a little over $40K) but not to live comfortably here without an additional income. To save on expenses I have been sharing a 1-bedroom apt. with a roommate. I envy those of you lliving in modest areas who have a nice cozy nest, only your SO is missing... I honestly wish it were that simple for me. It would be hard for me to move because I am in a hard-to-get-work field and do not drive so need to live in a major metro with decent transit and that means $$$ rent. In order to rent an apt. I will need to save up or borrow from my retirement account maybe $3-6K(depending on how many months' rent I will need to offer up front because of my sucky credit and if I have to go through a broker), that is if I am lucky to find a place for $1k/month that doesn't have 10 people with stellar credit ahead of me in line. Then there are the expenses for furniture, etc. My parents have not offered to help me even one bit, even to cosign on a lease. So in addition to visa fees, his airfare(about $1400), etc. I will need to pay that and he cannot contribute anything. So until he can find work I will be seriously overextended and if he gets K-3 then how long until he gets EAD/GC?

So all of this is weighing very heavily on my mind...I was thinking about how am I going to get the visa app fees together and then he asks me yesterday if I can send money because one of his family members is sick - I just sent him money for a festival 2 weeks ago and now he is asking me again. I am older than he is by more than 10 years and all of this is bringing up so many doubts... I am feeling like the stereotypical desperate old USC who is being taken for a ride and then he will leave me as soon as he gets GC... I am ready to say to hell with the visa, if you really want to be with me then we will live in your country even if your job opportunities are not as good... but deep inside I am feeling like he married me only so he can make money overseas to help his family, hopefully this is only partially the reason and not the whole reason... About children he says we can adopt, even though he is the only son in the family - I feel like in his culture this is very odd even though he says adoption is becoming more and more accepted. He may be genuine but only time will tell - I do love him and want to believe but it hurt me so much when he asked me for money twice in such a short time span - it just sounds so much like some of the scammer stories I have read. I did not send it to him a second time.

I would move to his country in a heartbeat - I traveled there several times before I met him and know it very well, speak some of his language and had people interested in interviewing me for teaching positions. He says 'we will move back after living in USA' but I am thinking it would be so much cheaper to move there and not to have to deal with low salaries/high rents here. Also I should not be saying this about my own husband but I feel like I want to test him and make sure he is not with me only for the "2 year plan', after me going through so much hell to bring him here and to make a nice life for the both of us. My biggest fear is that by doing so I will kill any chances to work in my career if/when we come back to the US.

Any thoughts? I know, I should have waited longer to marry, but it is normal in his culture to marry quickly.

Do you love him? Does he love you the most? Don't let it slip away!!!

[Imua 0]

OK, I will admit that I am the OP - my hubby came back to KTM from his village and we have been chatting or phoning every day and my doubts have gone away(for now anyway). I was embarrassed to be talking so frankly about my money issues and doubts and that is why I used a new screen name - look at some of the drama in the MENA forums - but if it can help someone else(like the VJer on the K-1 forum asking about BK) then I will be glad to be completely honest about my own thoughts and experiences. I do love this man with my whole heart and have prayed so hard over what to do and have decided to file for the visa, love him, be the best wife that I can be and what is meant to be is meant to be - I am going to live my life one day at a time and enjoy every day with him that God chooses to give me. You can be married to a USC and it is the same issue if you are worried whether he is going to cheat or not and you let that consume you to where you are not enjoying your relationship in the here and now and the mistrust destroys what would have been a good marriage. He has since gotten a good job which he enjoys very much and I am so happy for him and for our future. He is not a money-grubber and even now I feel bad about not helping him at the time - he would not have asked if he did not really need it. He has said that if I came to Nepal it would not matter, seriously I was thinking about it and we were talking about it but since DCF wouldn't be an option for us due to finances and we would have to go through the whole process of me getting re-established in the US, finding a job and then applying for the visa anyway that we will just go through with our original plan. I am still very anxious about the apartment issue - more so than the visa issue, in fact. If we cannot get an apartment then I don't know what we will do, but I will cross that bridge when we come to it. I am hoping we will file around New Year's.

Thanks to all who gave helpful and supportive answers.

[ELW 5]

You have our best thoughts and prayers for a happy future together. From all that you have said, he seems to be sincere and love you, besides having some cultural quirks that I find in my husband too. I love how you point out the fact of letting doubts consume one, and how mistrust could destroy what could be. Misunderstandings ruin so many relationships. The thing is to adjust, understand and love each other through it all. You can make it together!

I love the cute little parrot in your signature, by the way!

[*JG* 2]

Pattu.....I just want to applaud you for taking a step back and thinking it over....or over thinking it, however you want to look at it.

It's not always the easy thing to do; but it is the right thing to do.

I wish you well with all your choices.

[Cry_Tuff 0]

Hun, poor country or not....the way I see things....if they (as a man) want to be with you, they will find a way. It should not be up to you to send him money. If he isn't contributing anything now financially....don't count on him to do it once here either. Pete worked hard...and saved up his wages...has paid for all his trips over. Granted, he is from the UK, but...he did it himself. He has never asked me for money.

I asked Pete his take on this...and he's said...if he truely loves you, and wants to be with you, he will get off his ####### and get a job....save his money...and help in any way possible...even if it ends up being 100 dollars..that's 100 dollars less you have to pay (which you shouldn't have to pay anything)

I don't blame you one bit for being skeptical...and taking your time...I truely hope you are able to make a good decision...and I wish you nothing but the best of luck.

**EDITED** Sorry..didn't see the reply from the OP's current status... prior to posting...

Edited December 10, 2007 by ♥C and P♥

[ELW 5]

CandP, just for the record, I (USC) was living in India for 21 years, mostly only for room and board but for the last few years, for $125 a month (full time). I was earning double what the Indians were. I could save like $10 a month but of course could never save up enough to return to US (I got back to see my ill father through a donated ticket). My husband was working 15-hour days as an accountant and auditor and earned $75 a month, hardly enough even for his own rent and food, let alone to cover visa fees and a plane ticket here once he got his visa. He now is working hard here and, though earning minimum wage, is helping me equally with all the household expenses.

Sometimes hard working guys in poor countries simply can't afford some things. But they prove their loyalty and love (financially) once they have the means to do so.

[Alex+R 0]

Good luck in whatever you decide, Pattu! And seriously, consider Chicago. You don't need to drive and you don't have to pay 1,500 for a one bedroom. (But of course, your salary would probably be the same.) We lived in Minneapolis for the first six months even though it meant a full year of postponing moving to New York for me, and I'm really glad we did. Made things a lot easier on us to not have to worry about money so much. I'm just saying a change of location could take that stress away a bit...

[JVKn'CVO 11]

Pattu, I wish you the best for the future

Saludos,

Caro

[Ta Ta 1]

CandP, just for the record, I (USC) was living in India for 21 years, mostly only for room and board but for the last few years, for $125 a month (full time). I was earning double what the Indians were. I could save like $10 a month but of course could never save up enough to return to US (I got back to see my ill father through a donated ticket). My husband was working 15-hour days as an accountant and auditor and earned $75 a month, hardly enough even for his own rent and food, let alone to cover visa fees and a plane ticket here once he got his visa. He now is working hard here and, though earning minimum wage, is helping me equally with all the household expenses.

Sometimes hard working guys in poor countries simply can't afford some things. But they prove their loyalty and love (financially) once they have the means to do so.

Exactly !

Pattu, you will both be fine Best wishes.

[maya62 7]

CandP, just for the record, I (USC) was living in India for 21 years, mostly only for room and board but for the last few years, for $125 a month (full time). I was earning double what the Indians were. I could save like $10 a month but of course could never save up enough to return to US (I got back to see my ill father through a donated ticket). My husband was working 15-hour days as an accountant and auditor and earned $75 a month, hardly enough even for his own rent and food, let alone to cover visa fees and a plane ticket here once he got his visa. He now is working hard here and, though earning minimum wage, is helping me equally with all the household expenses.

Sometimes hard working guys in poor countries simply can't afford some things. But they prove their loyalty and love (financially) once they have the means to do so.

Exactly !

Pattu, you will both be fine Best wishes.

Ditto that, and to be even more specific, in Nepal, the average annual income is around $300.00 (and no, that is not a typo), and unemployment is around 40%. And if you have any money at all, you can expect a constant flow of requests for help with: your aunt's open heart surgery, a cast for your little cousin who broke her leg, the lawyer to keep your friend's father from losing his property, etc.... it never ends, and at times it is heartbreaking. How anyone in those circumstances could save over $1200 for a plane ticket to the US, never mind all the USCIS/DOS fees is beyond me. I think they probably want to be together before they're eligible for AARP.

PR: I admire you for taking your time to consider things carefully. I think most people have doubts and fears... I know I had a few myself. At some point you just have to do what your signature says and eat the ravioli! We wish you both all the best!

Maya

[Putali 0]

CandP, just for the record, I (USC) was living in India for 21 years, mostly only for room and board but for the last few years, for $125 a month (full time). I was earning double what the Indians were. I could save like $10 a month but of course could never save up enough to return to US (I got back to see my ill father through a donated ticket). My husband was working 15-hour days as an accountant and auditor and earned $75 a month, hardly enough even for his own rent and food, let alone to cover visa fees and a plane ticket here once he got his visa. He now is working hard here and, though earning minimum wage, is helping me equally with all the household expenses.

Sometimes hard working guys in poor countries simply can't afford some things. But they prove their loyalty and love (financially) once they have the means to do so.

Exactly !

Pattu, you will both be fine Best wishes.

Ditto that, and to be even more specific, in Nepal, the average annual income is around $300.00 (and no, that is not a typo), and unemployment is around 40%. And if you have any money at all, you can expect a constant flow of requests for help with: your aunt's open heart surgery, a cast for your little cousin who broke her leg, the lawyer to keep your friend's father from losing his property, etc.... it never ends, and at times it is heartbreaking. How anyone in those circumstances could save over $1200 for a plane ticket to the US, never mind all the USCIS/DOS fees is beyond me. I think they probably want to be together before they're eligible for AARP.

PR: I admire you for taking your time to consider things carefully. I think most people have doubts and fears... I know I had a few myself. At some point you just have to do what your signature says and eat the ravioli! We wish you both all the best!

Maya

I agree whole-heartedly with the above statements and have lived through all those examples in the past 9 months alone (nephew's broken arm, mother-in-law's bout with gastroenteritis, brother-in-law in the hospital for tyhpoid, sister-in-law has stillborn twin babies). There is no such thing as upward mobility in impoverished, politically unstable countries.