changing mind about visa for husband

[*JG* 2]

Yah, that is a concern...........a secure future........I agree with what the person above said....my husband started out at just above minimum wage. And, he works his butt off. Almost a year later, he's had a promotion, two raises, and now carries his own health insurance. It is sometimes just more long, hard, bumpy road. If you are focusing on that, you may be disappointed.

IMO, if he is asking you to send him money and money to all his friends and/or relatives, KNOWING you are in financial straits, you have some reason to question. He needs to be helping you, not hurting.

[kapakahi 0]

Please DON'T apply for a visa for your husband. It is situations like yours that make is so much harder for the rest of us who are in mutually loving relationships not in financial/green card arrangements. If you think you do want to spend the rest of your life with the guy then you should go there and not offer any resources other than what the two of you can earn working in his country.

I agree with you, though i think you are being a bit harsh. How many petitioners think they are in 'mutual loving relationships not in green card/financial arrangements' but the beneficary has other ideas? A lot of times(some of which I have seen on this forum) the petitioner does not know until years into the marriage that his/her spouse was playing a game.

[LoriLawless 0]

I do love him very much, but at the same time I am trying not to go forth with blinders on - I was previously involved with someone from the same country who later admitted that if his family had let him he would have married me only for a GC and stick around for 2 years, so I am scared.

Personally I do not care where we live as long as we can have a reasonably secure future. He is not now working(he is taking computer networking courses) and jobs are very limited in his country, so he does not have income.

When you are talking about doubt, you are telling us that you are not really ready for this marriage.

Anette

See, that right there. I agree with that.

I would sell my soul if I had to in order to get my love here. I'm barely hanging on financially, but I'll do what I have to do. Period. End of story for me.

I know though, that he's not using me for anything. You don't "know" that do you? That has to be a very difficult thing to deal with.

No I don't really 'know' and that is what is killing me now, especially after he asked for the additional $$ after I told him my financial situation. There is someone else on the forum who thought she 'knew' and then after 5 years byebye... This is what scares me.

Very true, happens all the time. I'm willing to take the chance. Of course, circumstances are different from yours. All I can do is wish you good luck, and to make the decision YOU feel most comfortable with.

[kapakahi 0]

Hmmm.... this is so tough... only you can decide, but if he is doing this for love, then I would expect that he would understand and tolerate a delay (with no allowance) while you get your financial house in order... just an idea. It may be best not to rush into this if your intuition is waving red flags for you.

Can you take a leave of absence or something and go spend some more time with him?

As someone who occasionally feels like the "husband" (although those stereotypical role definitions are a bit outdated... dontcha think?), it is a fair amount of work, especially with a spouse whose employment opportunities are limited due to poor English skills and no college degree. It'll be years and a lot of hard work and maybe more school before my husband makes what I make, if ever, and I'm just a lowly govt employee with a pretty low salary.

I'm wondering what is he doing to help make this all happen?

Just a few thoughts...

Best wishes, whatever you decide...

Maya

Looked at in harsh light he is doing very little to make it all happen, except for taking classes in computer skills(networking, graphic design) which he hopes he can use when he is working here - also he is taking driving lessons. He says he is willing to do any job when he is here - waiter, security guard, etc. But in terms of thinking ahead towards actually moving away from home, going forward with the visa process, etc. , I think he feels that I will take care of everything and it is creating some resentment in me especially whe he adds money requests to the mix... He does not seem very curious about the visa process at all, does not even really question why it is taking me so long to get it moving... I think he feels that I will do everything and he just has to show up...

I wish I could take a leave of absence but I don't think that's possible.

[kapakahi 0]

Thanks for your take on our situation - I just wanted to add that my returement account is an annuity(TIAA-CREF) not a 401-K so I can take out a loan on it which I have to pay back at 5% interest - there is no tax penalty I think, at least according to my boss...

[trailmix 77]

No I don't really 'know' and that is what is killing me now, especially after he asked for the additional $$ after I told him my financial situation. There is someone else on the forum who thought she 'knew' and then after 5 years byebye... This is what scares me.

Looked at in harsh light he is doing very little to make it all happen, except for taking classes in computer skills(networking, graphic design) which he hopes he can use when he is working here - also he is taking driving lessons. He says he is willing to do any job when he is here - waiter, security guard, etc. But in terms of thinking ahead towards actually moving away from home, going forward with the visa process, etc. , I think he feels that I will take care of everything and it is creating some resentment in me especially whe he adds money requests to the mix... He does not seem very curious about the visa process at all, does not even really question why it is taking me so long to get it moving... I think he feels that I will do everything and he just has to show up...

I wish I could take a leave of absence but I don't think that's possible.

I think what you said about him asking for additional money even after you told him about your financial situation is a bit of a worry.

If you put the visa and moving etc etc aside - maybe this is a part of his character that you just aren't comfortable with. It does seems strange to me that he doesn't seem to care if you are eating or not as long as you send cash. If he was totally unaware of your financial situation - well that would be different.

Reverse the situation. You are struggling to make ends meet and you call and ask him for money - he explains that he is just barely getting by - what would be your reaction? You would probably make do with what you have and not cause him any further hardship. Those would be your standards. If he isn't of the same mind - that could be a problem.

And while I think it is good that he is taking classes and learning to drive etc etc - looking to make a better future for the two of you - the fact that he isn't taking responsibility for his house is also of concern.

As far as him not being interested in the visa process, that doesn't seem strange to me at all, I would venture a guess that in 80% of the relationships represented on this board there is 1 person who is looking after the visa details. I suspect this bothers you as he appears not to be taking responsibility for ANYTHING and this is just one more thing to add to the list (which isn't wrong - just the way it is).

So you are probably asking yourself how you can resolve this. Is there any other way, other than going to his country to live? Probably not, maybe that is what you should be looking at doing. I certainly wish you good luck and happiness.

[JeanneVictoria 55]

Reading your post it's evident you are not comfortable with your current situation. Will things change...probably not as you have really already made your decision. As the other posts have replied, it is a hard, expensive and frustrating process.

QUOTE(sdmecuador @ Nov 7 2007, 08:58 AM) Please DON'T apply for a visa for your husband. It is situations like yours that make is so much harder for the rest of us who are in mutually loving relationships not in financial/green card arrangements. If you think you do want to spend the rest of your life with the guy then you should go there and not offer any resources other than what the two of you can earn working in his country.

I agree very much with this post. This is the only way for you to get rid of your doubt OR to confirm it.

Whatever happens I wish you the best of everything.

[chloe 1]

So sorry to hear your worries. As said above, if you have an doubts at all, what harm is there in postponing?

I was fortunate in that before arriving in the States I worked my ***s off in the UK to save as much money as poss.

This was so that when my EAD wait occurred, there werent any extra financial hurdles.

If you have any doubts about his intentions, then really slow down. How does he react at the suggestion of not living in the US?

It must be very difficult to be able to sense sincerity, when your husband stands to gain so much more than just a wife.

I remember back in the UK, when I had my own flat in a nice part of London, everytime Id meet a new guy, they

would miraculously become homeless within 2 weeks of meeting.. its tricky.

I wish you all the best, and hope that you make a decision that is right for you.

x

[*JG* 2]

So sorry to hear your worries. As said above, if you have an doubts at all, what harm is there in postponing?

I was fortunate in that before arriving in the States I worked my ***s off in the UK to save as much money as poss.

This was so that when my EAD wait occurred, there werent any extra financial hurdles.

If you have any doubts about his intentions, then really slow down. How does he react at the suggestion of not living in the US?

It must be very difficult to be able to sense sincerity, when your husband stands to gain so much more than just a wife.

I remember back in the UK, when I had my own flat in a nice part of London, everytime Id meet a new guy, they

would miraculously become homeless within 2 weeks of meeting.. its tricky.

I wish you all the best, and hope that you make a decision that is right for you.

x

The problem with the working your butt off part is that it is usually not possible in the 3rd world countries.

[kapakahi 0]

No I don't really 'know' and that is what is killing me now, especially after he asked for the additional $$ after I told him my financial situation. There is someone else on the forum who thought she 'knew' and then after 5 years byebye... This is what scares me.

Looked at in harsh light he is doing very little to make it all happen, except for taking classes in computer skills(networking, graphic design) which he hopes he can use when he is working here - also he is taking driving lessons. He says he is willing to do any job when he is here - waiter, security guard, etc. But in terms of thinking ahead towards actually moving away from home, going forward with the visa process, etc. , I think he feels that I will take care of everything and it is creating some resentment in me especially whe he adds money requests to the mix... He does not seem very curious about the visa process at all, does not even really question why it is taking me so long to get it moving... I think he feels that I will do everything and he just has to show up...

I wish I could take a leave of absence but I don't think that's possible.

I think what you said about him asking for additional money even after you told him about your financial situation is a bit of a worry.

If you put the visa and moving etc etc aside - maybe this is a part of his character that you just aren't comfortable with. It does seems strange to me that he doesn't seem to care if you are eating or not as long as you send cash. If he was totally unaware of your financial situation - well that would be different.

Reverse the situation. You are struggling to make ends meet and you call and ask him for money - he explains that he is just barely getting by - what would be your reaction? You would probably make do with what you have and not cause him any further hardship. Those would be your standards. If he isn't of the same mind - that could be a problem.

And while I think it is good that he is taking classes and learning to drive etc etc - looking to make a better future for the two of you - the fact that he isn't taking responsibility for his house is also of concern.

As far as him not being interested in the visa process, that doesn't seem strange to me at all, I would venture a guess that in 80% of the relationships represented on this board there is 1 person who is looking after the visa details. I suspect this bothers you as he appears not to be taking responsibility for ANYTHING and this is just one more thing to add to the list (which isn't wrong - just the way it is).

So you are probably asking yourself how you can resolve this. Is there any other way, other than going to his country to live? Probably not, maybe that is what you should be looking at doing. I certainly wish you good luck and happiness.

To his credit, under the current circumstances I am fairly comfortable financially - it is not like I am living on ramen noodles - we even tell each other what we ate every day when we IM because he knows I love the food from his country, especially if his mom made it. Since I have been living with a roommate in a rent controlled apartment I have been able to travel to his country 3 times in the last few years. Eating mostly homemade veg food and using public transit helps to save, as long as I am not also paying market rent. However, if we get our own market rate apartment as long as he is not working it will be an additional at least $7-900 per month expense on my part(additional rent/food/transit pass/health insurance) and I only bring home $2K monthly. God help us if there is any emergency in that time because there will be no extra and I am not accustomed to living that close to the edge financially. It will be stressful on top of all the other adjustment issues. I am trying to save in anticipation for that and that is what he doesn't understand. Yes I can afford to send it to him without a huge sacrifice on my part *now*, but it is the expectation that bothers me as well as the fact that he is not aware of how much things will cost when he comes and I have to pay for everything. At the moment I am fairly flush so I think that is why he feels no shame in asking.

This may sound stereotypical but some cultures are not as forward-thinking as others and have a more 'live now' attitude and I am wondering if this may be part of the problem - just trying to give him as much credit as I can since I do love him, do want a future with him and do want it to work out - bailing out is not an option for me at this point.

[kapakahi 0]

So sorry to hear your worries. As said above, if you have an doubts at all, what harm is there in postponing?

I was fortunate in that before arriving in the States I worked my ***s off in the UK to save as much money as poss.

This was so that when my EAD wait occurred, there werent any extra financial hurdles.

If you have any doubts about his intentions, then really slow down. How does he react at the suggestion of not living in the US?

It must be very difficult to be able to sense sincerity, when your husband stands to gain so much more than just a wife.

I remember back in the UK, when I had my own flat in a nice part of London, everytime Id meet a new guy, they

would miraculously become homeless within 2 weeks of meeting.. its tricky.

I wish you all the best, and hope that you make a decision that is right for you.

x

The problem with the working your butt off part is that it is usually not possible in the 3rd world countries.

You go to the central business area of his capital city and there are so many institutes offering 'Study in US/UK/Aus' 'TOEFL' 'Work Abroad' - on every block there is at least 1 or 2 of these signs. I mean this is why I could get part-time teaching work fairly easily. Everyone wants to leave because there is no work there. I saw the Yellow Pages once and looked at employment agencies - they were all agencies focused on exporting workers to other countries, not ones for local jobs.

Edited November 7, 2007 by kapakahi

[kapakahi 0]

So sorry to hear your worries. As said above, if you have an doubts at all, what harm is there in postponing?

I was fortunate in that before arriving in the States I worked my ***s off in the UK to save as much money as poss.

This was so that when my EAD wait occurred, there werent any extra financial hurdles.

If you have any doubts about his intentions, then really slow down. How does he react at the suggestion of not living in the US?

It must be very difficult to be able to sense sincerity, when your husband stands to gain so much more than just a wife.

I remember back in the UK, when I had my own flat in a nice part of London, everytime Id meet a new guy, they

would miraculously become homeless within 2 weeks of meeting.. its tricky.

I wish you all the best, and hope that you make a decision that is right for you.

x

We had a discussion a couple of weeks ago and he said well then come here(to his country) so maybe it's a possibility, though like I said I would be worried about killing my career if/when we ever come back here. If I were to get a well-paying teaching job it would pay $400/month, many pay much less than that. Then again, rent is $50/month - $150 will get you a fully furnished apt. with all the mod cons.

This kind of situation where hubby benefits at the expense of the wife reminds me of stories I have heard of wives working their tails off putting their hubby through med or law school, only to have him leave once he is making good money and can afford a 'trophy' wife. I guess it can happen with a USC as well...

[rika60607 215]

Okay,

I see, you live in New York

If you are not sure about your relationship and can't really afford to "invest" in relationship because you don't know if it will pay off...

Here is what I would do if I was in your place:

go to his country and make my own money by teaching (you say you can). Stay for at least a year. It will give you a chance to see what is going on with your relationship AND you will have an awesome experience of living abroad. It is also a good proof for the embassy that relationship is bona fide. AND may be you can do direct consular filing!

I would not worry about career at this point. If you can not make enough money to live on your own (assuming you are older than 30) and you do not foresee a major break (I mean salary of $100,000 and up) - then who needs a job like that.

There are plenty of big cities where you do not have to drive. In Chicago, you could live in the city and rent a 1-bedroom for $500 + utilities.

Why don't you drive, anyway?!..

I feel like I am the husband and he is the wife, even my mom said this.

Heh, that's how I feel, and I am the alien female And that's not a problem for us, either B)

My biggest fear is that by doing so I will kill any chances to work in my career if/when we come back to the US.

Taking a year off is not going to kill your career. Unless you dance ballet? As I said above, if your career does not allow you the standard of living that you want, it may be time to reconsider careers anyway

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

My So comes from a poor country in Africa. It is very very hard to find work there and for many, you have to have money in order to find work. Which is a vicious circle. But I guess your post struck me for a couple of reasons. My SO had contract work and he had quit because they sent him all over Africa to work on a moments notice. That wasn't conducive to this process obviously and he's looking for something in Ghana that is more stable. It's been about a year, so I think he's near if not already has, exhausted his savings from his last job. He never asks me for money. I've asked him a few times how he's doing with money and he always says, I'll manage baby. Culturally, for him to ask his "wife" for money is embarassing and I don't think he'd ever do it. I ask him questions about what he ate and stuff like that and I think that he would go to one of his brothers for help with money or something he needs rather than ask me. Because he sees his role as the provider. I realize that if something happened and I felt I really wanted to send him money, I could send money via western union or however people do it, and then he'd have no choice cause it's already done. (He's stubborn as a mule, so I might have to coerce but whatever) I would however, say this.....Bassi and I talk about money often just so he hears the numbers. My $1000 mortgage is absurd to him. It has no real value in a country where people make $100 a month. But I think that the more he hears the numbers the closer he can get to the reality when he's here of trying to understand our monetary system and the costs of things here. So many of the men on the Africa-Sub-Saharan board are going through a similar situation and they struggle desparately with feeling like less than a man because they aren't working. There has to be a balance in what you expect from your husband and his ability to understand our system and what he is asking you to do. Asking your for money to go to a festival is frivolous to me. If my fiance's mother say (God protect her) were sick and he couldn't get money anywhere for the hospital stay, I would hope he would ask me. But his pride and self respect would not allow him to ask me for money to party or play. So, maybe you need to be having a serious conversation with your husband because money issues is one of the leading causes of divorce in this country. So even if he isn't trying to scam you for a GC you could end up on the same path.

I would also add, that when I said to my SO, Fine, I'll come live in Ghana. He asked me when he should pick me up at the airport! Moving there would happen soooooo much faster than moving here, and he wants to be with me, married to me, living life with me.......the where we can work out however. And it would not be "easy" for me to find work there, because I"m a public administrator here. Are you sure your husband wouldn't be okay with you moving there and living there for a while? I find it odd, that he's so married to the idea of being in the US. Maybe you're misreading his intent and he'd be happy for you to move there.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Sorry for the long post. I guess I started babbling.