changing mind about visa for husband

[kapakahi 0]

I have been posting regularly under another username but feel the need to vent anonymously.

I have been getting ready to file for CR-1/K-3 visa for my husband - we married in his (poor)country in June but I have been delaying filing because I have plenty of doubts. I think we married too soon for me to undertake something like the visa process which will disrupt my life(USC) perhaps even more than his - I wish I could have spent more time with him in his country, possibly even years, seeing what I alone will have to do to make a life for us here... I feel like I am the husband and he is the wife, even my mom said this.

I live in a very expensive metro area and really cannot afford even a studio on my salary - it is enough for the Affadavit of Support(a little over $40K) but not to live comfortably here without an additional income. To save on expenses I have been sharing a 1-bedroom apt. with a roommate. I envy those of you lliving in modest areas who have a nice cozy nest, only your SO is missing... I honestly wish it were that simple for me. It would be hard for me to move because I am in a hard-to-get-work field and do not drive so need to live in a major metro with decent transit and that means $$$ rent. In order to rent an apt. I will need to save up or borrow from my retirement account maybe $3-6K(depending on how many months' rent I will need to offer up front because of my sucky credit and if I have to go through a broker), that is if I am lucky to find a place for $1k/month that doesn't have 10 people with stellar credit ahead of me in line. Then there are the expenses for furniture, etc. My parents have not offered to help me even one bit, even to cosign on a lease. So in addition to visa fees, his airfare(about $1400), etc. I will need to pay that and he cannot contribute anything. So until he can find work I will be seriously overextended and if he gets K-3 then how long until he gets EAD/GC?

So all of this is weighing very heavily on my mind...I was thinking about how am I going to get the visa app fees together and then he asks me yesterday if I can send money because one of his family members is sick - I just sent him money for a festival 2 weeks ago and now he is asking me again. I am older than he is by more than 10 years and all of this is bringing up so many doubts... I am feeling like the stereotypical desperate old USC who is being taken for a ride and then he will leave me as soon as he gets GC... I am ready to say to hell with the visa, if you really want to be with me then we will live in your country even if your job opportunities are not as good... but deep inside I am feeling like he married me only so he can make money overseas to help his family, hopefully this is only partially the reason and not the whole reason... About children he says we can adopt, even though he is the only son in the family - I feel like in his culture this is very odd even though he says adoption is becoming more and more accepted. He may be genuine but only time will tell - I do love him and want to believe but it hurt me so much when he asked me for money twice in such a short time span - it just sounds so much like some of the scammer stories I have read. I did not send it to him a second time.

I would move to his country in a heartbeat - I traveled there several times before I met him and know it very well, speak some of his language and had people interested in interviewing me for teaching positions. He says 'we will move back after living in USA' but I am thinking it would be so much cheaper to move there and not to have to deal with low salaries/high rents here. Also I should not be saying this about my own husband but I feel like I want to test him and make sure he is not with me only for the "2 year plan', after me going through so much hell to bring him here and to make a nice life for the both of us. My biggest fear is that by doing so I will kill any chances to work in my career if/when we come back to the US.

Any thoughts? I know, I should have waited longer to marry, but it is normal in his culture to marry quickly.

[LoriLawless 0]

Well, I don't know you so it's difficult to give advice. You realize you married too soon, and I agree with you on that. If you have any doubts you should wait. This is too important of a decision to go into lightly.

As for him asking for money, you're not the ATM machine. Does he not work?

Sounds like you have a lot of soul searching to do. I wish you luck.

[trailmix 77]

I'm sorry you are going through this. One thing, I can't tell from reading your posting whether you actually love him? You don't mention it. It almost sounds like you are going through with this because you feel you HAVE to at this point rather than you WANT to?

Edited November 7, 2007 by trailmix

[Mr and Mrs Bird 0]

When you are talking about doubt, you are telling us that you are not really ready for this marriage.

I am now married with my American husband only because of love.

We knew eachother for 3 years before this marriage. Had alot of contact everyday by phone and emails. We saw eachother only 5 times by visiting.

But even we were not much together we knew eachother very good and could even argue online. I feel that this is the best relationship I have build up ever, because we went through alot together. This experience told us very much how we were acting in different situations. This told me that I was really ready to live with this man. We are together now and I don't feel any difference in his reactions. He have still not surprised me with things I wasn't adware about.

By experience of a bad marriage I can tell that my sons dad was a big mistake for me, since we only did marry because of our son.

I used alot of bad energy to keep this going and a big regretion in my life.

Now I am 49 and I wasn't forced to marry a man I didn't love.

Learn him better before you are taking further steps.

Be sure that you can handle your maybe different cultures.

Anette

[LoriLawless 0]

When you are talking about doubt, you are telling us that you are not really ready for this marriage.

Anette

See, that right there. I agree with that.

I would sell my soul if I had to in order to get my love here. I'm barely hanging on financially, but I'll do what I have to do. Period. End of story for me.

I know though, that he's not using me for anything. You don't "know" that do you? That has to be a very difficult thing to deal with.

[Mr and Mrs Bird 0]

When you are talking about doubt, you are telling us that you are not really ready for this marriage.

I am now married with my American husband only because of love.

We knew eachother for 3 years before this marriage. Had alot of contact everyday by phone and emails. We saw eachother only 5 times by visiting.

But even we were not much together we knew eachother very good and could even argue online. I feel that this is the best relationship I have build up ever, because we went through alot together. This experience told us very much how we were acting in different situations. This told me that I was really ready to live with this man. We are together now and I don't feel any difference in his reactions. He have still not surprised me with things I wasn't adware about.

By experience of a bad marriage I can tell that my sons dad was a big mistake for me, since we only did marry because of our son.

I used alot of bad energy to keep this going and a big regretion in my life.

Now I am 49 and I wasn't forced to marry a man I didn't love.

Learn him better before you are taking further steps.

Be sure that you can handle your maybe different cultures.

Anette

I am so sorry I was reading your post too fast.

I didn't realize that you were already married.

But I suggest that you don't ruin your life using up your energy on this marriage. You don't need to do further steps for his GC if you feel you are not ready

[*JG* 2]

My take on this is that you are worrying about things that you probably really need to sit down and think about. No one ever seems to have enough money for everything. And this process is longer and harder then anyone could ever imagine. The expenses can be stagering. I know....been there....done that....still digging out of the hole. And, cultural differences will always be there. In my experience, people come out of the woodwork asking for money too.

One important thing to keep in mind when raiding your retirement account is that there are tax consequences of that. Please check with whomever does your tax return or look up some data on that. I did that and the consequences were like 10%. Be prepared.

If you are having doubts of any kind, you need to slow down and really think about it. Despite the "marrying quickly" of his country, the sending money overseas and the age difference, things can work out for you. My husband fights constantly with those overseas about sending money we don't have and we also have a 12 year age difference. Neither of those things make a bit of difference in the whole scheme of things. That being said, I still think you need to step back and take a serious look at your relationship. Then, you need to figure out if it is important enough to you that you want to do whatever it takes to be together or if you think it would be better to just walk away.

There is no shame in saying something is not going to work out and moving on. I do think carrying on as if things were all fine and dandy when they aren't, is stupid.

If your hubby happens to be from Jamaica, you can PM me if you wish. I've seen and heard it all.

[Mr and Mrs Bird 0]

When you are talking about doubt, you are telling us that you are not really ready for this marriage.

Anette

See, that right there. I agree with that.

I would sell my soul if I had to in order to get my love here. I'm barely hanging on financially, but I'll do what I have to do. Period. End of story for me.

I know though, that he's not using me for anything. You don't "know" that do you? That has to be a very difficult thing to deal with.

That's exactly what I could say too

[Mr and Mrs Bird 0]

Jomo's girl

I know it is out of topic. But I can't stop telling you now, that everytime I see your wedding photo here I am thinking What a beatyful looking couple.

I wish we had that kind of photo taken

Anette

[sdmecuador 0]

Please DON'T apply for a visa for your husband. It is situations like yours that make is so much harder for the rest of us who are in mutually loving relationships not in financial/green card arrangements. If you think you do want to spend the rest of your life with the guy then you should go there and not offer any resources other than what the two of you can earn working in his country.

[kapakahi 0]

I do love him very much, but at the same time I am trying not to go forth with blinders on - I was previously involved with someone from the same country who later admitted that if his family had let him he would have married me only for a GC and stick around for 2 years, so I am scared.

Personally I do not care where we live as long as we can have a reasonably secure future. He is not now working(he is taking computer networking courses) and jobs are very limited in his country, so he does not have income.

When you are talking about doubt, you are telling us that you are not really ready for this marriage.

Anette

See, that right there. I agree with that.

I would sell my soul if I had to in order to get my love here. I'm barely hanging on financially, but I'll do what I have to do. Period. End of story for me.

I know though, that he's not using me for anything. You don't "know" that do you? That has to be a very difficult thing to deal with.

No I don't really 'know' and that is what is killing me now, especially after he asked for the additional $$ after I told him my financial situation. There is someone else on the forum who thought she 'knew' and then after 5 years byebye... This is what scares me.

[maya62 7]

Hmmm.... this is so tough... only you can decide, but if he is doing this for love, then I would expect that he would understand and tolerate a delay (with no allowance) while you get your financial house in order... just an idea. It may be best not to rush into this if your intuition is waving red flags for you.

Can you take a leave of absence or something and go spend some more time with him?

As someone who occasionally feels like the "husband" (although those stereotypical role definitions are a bit outdated... dontcha think?), it is a fair amount of work, especially with a spouse whose employment opportunities are limited due to poor English skills and no college degree. It'll be years and a lot of hard work and maybe more school before my husband makes what I make, if ever, and I'm just a lowly govt employee with a pretty low salary.

I'm wondering what is he doing to help make this all happen?

Just a few thoughts...

Best wishes, whatever you decide...

Maya

[*JG* 2]

Jomo's girl

I know it is out of topic. But I can't stop telling you now, that everytime I see your wedding photo here I am thinking What a beatyful looking couple.

I wish we had that kind of photo taken

Anette

Awww....thank you. Funny thing is, that is staged. Our actual wedding was just a formality, small, in our living room. We have every intention of going back to Jamaica and renewing our vows with the whole big shin dig. Life just took over and we haven't made it back yet. I made those flowers in the picture.

And, someone from the VJ St. Louis dinner last weekend actually told me the picture did not do me justice. I'm pretty sure she was just drunk when she said that!

[rashell 0]

When you are talking about doubt, you are telling us that you are not really ready for this marriage.

Anette

See, that right there. I agree with that.

I would sell my soul if I had to in order to get my love here. I'm barely hanging on financially, but I'll do what I have to do. Period. End of story for me.

I know though, that he's not using me for anything. You don't "know" that do you? That has to be a very difficult thing to deal with.

That's exactly what I could say too

I am in your shoes, my husband and I did not date long enough and if you look at our post you will see what were going through. It's not fun and it's a burden that ways heavy on me I too had been the ATM and things we are going through I feel like if we eally dated I probally wouldn't have doubts. I can tell you the people on here are full of good advice. Just listen and pray. One thing I found out is that you know in your heart what to do but that weak flesh gets in the way. I know 1st. hand

rashell

[trailmix 77]

Please DON'T apply for a visa for your husband. It is situations like yours that make is so much harder for the rest of us who are in mutually loving relationships not in financial/green card arrangements. If you think you do want to spend the rest of your life with the guy then you should go there and not offer any resources other than what the two of you can earn working in his country.

Hmm, chances are she isn't too concerned about your visa at this point

It's easy for us to say that we will do whatever it takes and wait as long as it takes etc etc - which is a darn good thing and I feel that way too - however - we don't know enough here. It sounds as though she is surrounded by people - she mentions her Mother, who are nay sayers.

It is not easy for every person to be surrounded by people saying - you are older, he asked you for money?? How will you support both of you?? he is from a country full of people looking for an easy way to a GC. We just don't know enough about the OP or her situation to say - hey you are having doubts - so throw in the towel.

One other thing the OP mentioned "I feel like I am the husband and he is the wife, even my mom said this". New immigrants have it tough, generally they can't work for a while and there is an adjustment phase. While he isn't actually with you yet, he obviously comes from a poor country where money is hard to come by. It will not be the traditional man out working scenario for a while after he gets here (if you decide to go ahead with the visa), but you already knew that, I'm sure to your Mom it looks really strange.

All I'm saying is that we shouldn't jump to conclusions based on the little bit that we know.