K2 (soon to be 18 yrs) wants to emancipate

[bradcanuck 1]

You can't force him to move. If he is decided, he has to stay.

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

WOW. As a couple who is childless by choice, my/our experience is null on this one. I just hope that whichever decision you make leads to a happier life for you all. Being held hostage must sux --- don't know if talking a bit more with him would help. In any case, I am sending you the rest of my goodvibe dose for the day. Hang in there

I'm going to echo L&B here as I don't have any children.

I wish you strength and courage during this difficult time.

[Delicia 1]

I can so relate to your story Bernie. I have 2 kids, one female and one male. The older (female) was 16 going on 32, when I moved to Canada with the boy, who was 14, to get married and live with my husband. My son was always pretty laid back about the move and didnt seem to care where we went and looks at all this moving around as an adventure.

My daughter on the other hand, was in trouble with school (busted for possession on school grounds), in and out of rehab, lived her life for the sole purpose of being rebellious and revenge for whatever I had done to her. I had already postponed my move to Canada by at least 1 year to try to get things straight with her. One summer day, she decided that she would rather live with the former neighbors who had since moved to the middle of nowhere in Maine. And she left Minnesota and moved in with them. I was too tired to fight the battle anymore and gave my former neighbor temp custody and sent them money and then went ahead and planned my move to Canada. We made plans to move that following summer, after the school year, and dependent upon selling my house in Minnesota.

Along comes March/April or so, and the daughter seems to be getting along ok in Maine. She went to school, wasn't having problems with the law, and was made to go to church. The daughter calls me and informs me that she is pregnant and she and her boyfriend can't get jobs there (unemployment in the local area was horrible) and so they are heading back to Minnesota. The boyfriend is a 21 year old high school drop out with a resume that consisted of one job working for a few month's for a relative's company. I had to make a decision about my life. I could see that path my daughter had laid out for me: she thought it would be very nice for her and her boyfriend to move into my house, have all the expenses covered by me, and not have to do too much. The boyfriend had no motivation or even a thought of getting job, he just figured that I was better off then his parents, so they could get more out of the deal with me then them. He had already began investigating what kind of payout the social assistance program in Minnesota had.

I decided to move to Canada anyway and without my daughter and her boyfriend. I reasoned that she had made an adult decision to have sex, get pregnant, and have a baby, she can make all the other adult decisions that followed. I helped her and her boyfriend find a place to live, tried to help them find jobs, baby stuff together, put her in touch with local charity services that could help them with job skills, parenting classes, and all that other stuff. I gave her everything I owned when I sold my house. They had enough furniture to furnish a 3 bed house completely, including all the kitchen ware they could ever need, linens, rugs, wall art, ec. The only thing that went into my car on the day that I closed my house sale was my clothes, and my son's clothes.

I moved, sent her an allowance of sorts, so that I knew they were at least having food on the table, and continued to cover her healthcare through COBRA until she turned 18.

It was a hard decision to make but I knew if I had stayed, I would be raising my grandchild and fully supporting it while my daughter and her boyfriend continued their party lifestyle. It does have a happy ending though. My daughter gave birth to a healthy beautiful baby boy 2 years ago, she works part time at a dry cleaner and is in school full time for nursing and will graduate at the end of next summer. Her boyfriend, well, all I can say is he does have a job. He doesn't have much of a future, but at least he is working. She has an open invitation to move in with me back in the U.S., where I am now, after she graduates. The boyfriend, however, is not welcome. His alcholism is too much for me to handle, but I do think my daughter will be here sooner rather than later, since she is completely sober and focused on providing a good life for her son and her boyfriend impedes her progress. But that is her choice to make.

Sometimes, tough love is necessary. You can only do so much for your children but they chose their own paths. Same goes for you. You must chose your own path and decide what is best for you. Sometimes things work out, and sometimes they don't. That is just the beauty of life and the beauty of uncertainty.

edit: sorry for the rambling sermon, but I wish you the best and I know how hard it is.

Edited November 7, 2007 by Delicia

[misa 2]

Unfortunately you can't force him to leave if he doesn't want to. What you can do in the meantime is start helping him by asking him what his plans are after he finishes highschool and helping him through that. I'm sure it's tough being a parent and having to "let go" but if he wants to stay, then you'll have no choice but to let him stay and support him in his decision.

Just a little background on me. I moved out of my parents' house one month after I turned 16. I told my parents I was moving out. My dad made the decision to support my decision and he helped me move into my first apartment and his decision to support me (not financially btw, I worked and made my own money) helped. He knew where I was and there was no tension.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that if he's determined to stay, support him in his decision. Arm him with the knowledge to be able to be independent.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

I did not read through all the posts, however I can sympathize with your predicament since my almost 16 yr old daughter is pulling the same garbage.

I'll let you know at the beginning of next week whether she's with us or still in Canada fending for herself (technically Grandma and Grandpa are the back-ups, but she doesn't know that). She plays a mean hand and her poker face is unbelievable.....she is sticking to her guns until the last minute and saying she won't go.

Couple questions:

i) is your son heading off to University or college next fall? By the look of your timeline, your interview and subsequent move date could nicely coincide with that exciting life event for him?

ii) if not - is he heading for work and in that case, he could still find himself a roommate or 5 and live the happy life of an irresponsible young person - the way many of us started out - and turned out just fine in the end

18 is a grownup by most standards - of course we all know our kids to be horribly immature In my case, it has been a hard pill for me to swallow thinking of leaving a child behind who her whole life has been challenging - nothing bad, but she's been a handful at times. I feel like i'm abandoning her a little, but I have done what I can. She refuses to budge or see possibilities and opportunities

Don't let anyone tell you you're being a bad parent by taking care of your own needs at this stage Good luckor when you decide that the kid doesn't make a decision for the whole family - you do!!!

Good luck

[Bernie and Gary 0]

Thanks for the advice everyone, He has been going up and down like the yo-yo and he's willing to compromise after a chit chat with my parents, who also live here. I just needed to vent and get other opinions, either way, he won't be alone!

[Sprailenes 47]

Where abouts will you be moving?

Have you found out about this place and maybe have incentives for him to want to move?

Showing him what there is to do for fun and stuff.

Tell him to at least try it for a year and if he really hates it, he can go back. But ask him to at least give it a shot.

[joelunchbox 0]

My son doesn't want to move with us now. He won't participate in the K2 process (physical/interview), shall I just leave him here to fend for himself? Because I'm leaving!! And his father isn't involved nor capable of caring for him.

Any advice?

Now is probably a good time and have a nice adult talk with him. Let him know how you feel about him, let him know how you will feel about him after he makes his decision. Be honest, but don't accuse, blame, etc. I am a big believer in the "I feel..." method. Such as, when I hear you blah blah I feel blah blah. It is a nice way to remain objective and not be accusatory.

The goal in my mind is to help him transition to adulthood. And leave the door open for him.

good luck!

[Krikit 1,164]

Oh dear. Just another one of the many reasons they are called meanagers. I feel for you, Bernie. It's a terrible stage, but it passes. You've gotten lots of good advice, here, so I won't add mine. I'm happy to hear he has decided to compromise. Personally, I believe a shot of reality always works wonders with the maturing process. Stay strong.

[thermophile 0]

is it possible to plan to leave him on his own for a set period of time? My family moved twice while I was in high school and there was a possibility that I could have stayed behind when they moved the second time with family friends so I could do my senior year of high school with friends rather than starting over again. But the summer before my senior year I had a scholarship to take university classes near where we ended up moving. So, Mom and Dad said that I could live in the house that they were moving to with just my 15 year old brother for company during the week while I was going to class. They gave us a little bit of money for food each week-just enough that if we weren't smart about shopping Thursday and Friday were fairly hungry days. And we had a big gas tank on the farm so I didn't have to pay to fill up the car, so fairly different from leaving a kid in a city but anyway...

I realized after a summer of fending for myself that I'd like to have one more year of Mom time. It may turn out that your son won't come to that conclusion, but a short trial period might help him come to his senses.

[raymaga 25]

I feel so badly for you that you are dealing with such a hard decision..... your happiness or your child's future. I don't know what I would do in your situation, but I didn't have to worry about it because my kid's Dad lived in Canada and was very active in their lives.

My daughter wanted no part of moving to the U.S. with me when I started the K-1 process, but I added her name to my I-129F anyways, just in case she changed her mind.

I told her about all the benefits of having both Canadian and U.S. citizenships, etc., but she was only 16 at the time and couldn't imagine leaving her Dad, 2 older brothers, and many friends behind.

She finished high school in Canada, and then she decided she wanted to move to the U.S. (she had an American boyfriend at the time, which was most likely the TRUE reason she changed her mind). She definitely would not thave come to the U.S. at the same time as I did because she wanted to graduate high school with her friends. So, I came to the U.S. in July, 2004 and my daughter came in September, 2005.

She has made many new friends at college and her jobs, and visits Canada whenever she can.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.