Family Relationships

[pnrmbr975 1]

Earlier today my wife had some arguments with my father, her father-in-law. It was about the car that my wife and I purchased yesterday. She paid some downpayment for the brand new car, which she plans on using for commuting to her work. I was simply a co-buyer. Her credit score is now higher than mine, even before we bought the car. My dad learned about her purchase and I did not understand why he got so upset and yelled at us for not telling him. He was afraid we'll get ourselves into trouble and the car dealers ripping us off. My wife has her temp. driver's license and a Farmer's agent informed us she'll be paying about $550-600 which is full coverage for 6 months.

My dad offered to help, he's suggesting that we go back to the car dealer and he will issue a check for the full amount, BUT the car ownership will be his until my wife and I can pay off the full amount (in other words instead of paying the car dealers we'll be making the car payments directly to him, and he's suggesting that he add my wife and I to his car insurance, that way my wife will only has to pay her share and at minimun cost. My wife preferred she has the car under both our names and she will pay her car insurance and upgrade it within this month, as soon as she gets her CA DL. DMV is okay with her temp DL, which is good for 3 months. My father, maybe out of tension, told her that she can't have the car in our garage until she gets her DL. That pissed my wife so much.

Now I am caught in a dilemma. I love my wife and think she is on the right side of the coin here, but my father seems to object about this decision. How do you take sides without getting the other person hurt?

I wonder how many of you here really have good relationships with your in-laws. How do you fare when it comes to building family relationships (w/ your USC husband or USC wife's family)?

Edited November 5, 2007 by pnrmbr975

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Hi there - I'm not entirely sure what the problem is here.

Is you father simply offering to help you pay for the car outright so that you don't pay high interest or whatever? While that is very nice, it really is up to you an your wife in the end. Perhaps in this case she was hoping to do this by yourselves, without parents getting involved. Everyone could use a loan from their parents now and again, but sometimes pride can get in the way.

You are obviously both grownups because you made the decision to be husband and wife, kinda sounds to me like your dad overstepped his bounds by offering unsolicited advice If it were me, I would say 'Dad, thanks for your thoughts on this, but we think this way will work out just fine'. Your wife needs to know that you stand by her decisions.

Do you live with them - is that why he said you can't have the car in the garage? Sounds like an ultimatum to me

hope it all works out

[Jasman0717 9]

Why would he want to pay off the car? Let her do it and continue to build credit. If there are financial problems later maybe he can help then.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I'm guessing that you all live under one roof and that roof being your parents? I think that really complicates you and your wife's private life even on finances. I've lived under my parent's roof as an adult in the past, so I know exactly what you guys are up against. I'd say that first and foremost, your father means well and has good intentions. However, the problem is that you and your wife, for good reasons want independence. You can try to establish some kind of space between your parents and you and your wife's personal finances by both coming to an agreement of what the expectations are on both sides. I can imagine that your wife must really want to get into a place of your own, so if that is any way possible, I'd take the steps necessary to get out from your parent's thumb, however good it has been.

Just looking at it from your father's perspective - you both have just gotten into debt over a brand new car, and while she needs transportation, perhaps you both could have consulted with your father since he is essentially helping you guys out until you are on your own two feet financially.

I really understand the press your feeling living under your parents...which is why you and your wife need an exit plan out from under your parent's roof.

[pnrmbr975 1]

Thanks, your replies are insightful. The thing is we are not living under the same roof with him/my parents anymore. I have long since moved after 25. Financialwise, my wife got a job last month and her annual gross pay ranges from 55-60K. I can say her monthly income is even better than mine. That's why she is confident she can pay off the entire amount within a couple of months on her own if that's the case but she wanted to build credit. I did not expect my parents to "react" so much this way since we are capable adults. My dad yelling on the phone while my wife listens (teleconference) broke my heart, as I see her getting hurt and feeling defenseless. I love and respect my father but I was as surprised as my wife when he tried to intervene. We could have gotten off without the harsh words, now my poor wife is not sure anymore if she wants them in her life as well. I can understand her disappointment. She told me that my parents should trust her as she trusts them.

I apologize if this is turning out to be a personal & am sounding like a man without the balls. I am just hurt of what happened and my wife has been so quiet today. I heard her crying in the bathroom and she would not let me comfort her.

This is not a good day at all.

[pnrmbr975 1]

Thanks, your replies are insightful. The thing is we are not living under the same roof with him/my parents anymore. I have long since moved after 25. Financialwise, my wife got a job last month and her annual gross pay ranges from 55-60K. I can say her monthly income is even better than mine. That's why she is confident she can pay off the entire amount within a couple of months on her own if that's the case but she wanted to build credit. I did not expect my parents to "react" so much this way since we are capable adults. My dad yelling on the phone while my wife listens (teleconference) broke my heart, as I see her getting hurt and feeling defenseless. I love and respect my father but I was as surprised as my wife when he tried to intervene. We could have gotten off without the harsh words, now my poor wife is not sure anymore if she wants them in her life as well. I can understand her disappointment. She told me that my parents should trust her as she trusts them.

I apologize if this is turning out to be a personal thread & am starting to sound like a man without balls. I am just hurt of what happened and my wife has been really quiet today. I heard her crying in the bathroom and she would not let me comfort her.

This is not a good day at all. My wife, fiancee then, and I have worked so hard to get her here and start a new life with me. I can see how disappointed she is with my family, and how she misses the comfort of a loving family We are now considering moving out of the US, when the right time comes and all financial obligations relieved.

[pnrmbr975 1]

Hi there - I'm not entirely sure what the problem is here.

Is you father simply offering to help you pay for the car outright so that you don't pay high interest or whatever?

Yes.

You are obviously both grownups because you made the decision to be husband and wife, kinda sounds to me like your dad overstepped his bounds by offering unsolicited advice If it were me, I would say 'Dad, thanks for your thoughts on this, but we think this way will work out just fine'. Your wife needs to know that you stand by her decisions.

Do you live with them - is that why he said you can't have the car in the garage? Sounds like an ultimatum to me

hope it all works out

Thank you.

Edited November 5, 2007 by pnrmbr975

[Fandango 1,440]

You need to sit down with your father and tell him that while you love and respect him, and you are appreciative for everything he's done for you in your life AND for what he's done for you and your wife, that you are a grown man with a grown woman for a wife and your father is not showing respect to either of you.

While it's all well and good that he wants to pay off the car...for him to be screaming seems like a little '#######?' to me. Why is your father so passionate about something which doesn't concern him? Why does he feel it's his place to concern himself with your wife's financial choices? And what's with the ultimatum over the garage?

Seems to me that if you go your father's route, you'd be saving interest, I'm sure...but losing having control over your own situation. I'd pay the interest every time, heh.

I am never one for cutting family out of my life, but at the same time, if I put myself in your wife's shoes, I'd be scared thinking 'omG is this how it's going to be?' And that's not because of your father's behavior...rather because of your own for not putting your foot down with your father. I'm sorry to say, but I find his reaction completely out of line no matter what his intention.

Have a heart to heart with your father. I don't know how old you are...but I'm guessing you're on the young side...but show your father that you are a grown man and deserve respect! It is your responsibility to demand respect for your wife as well. I'm not saying all fist pounding and ultimatums...but you married this woman and your first responsibility is to her

In laws yelling, throwing ultimatums, etc at the spouse is completely OTT if you ask me.

Edited November 5, 2007 by LisaD

[Ta Ta 1]

Why would he want to pay off the car? Let her do it and continue to build credit. If there are financial problems later maybe he can help then.

I agree building credit is important.

Stand behind your wife and tell you father that while you appreciate his help, he was out of line to disrespect your wife.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Thanks, your replies are insightful. The thing is we are not living under the same roof with him/my parents anymore. I have long since moved after 25. Financialwise, my wife got a job last month and her annual gross pay ranges from 55-60K. I can say her monthly income is even better than mine. That's why she is confident she can pay off the entire amount within a couple of months on her own if that's the case but she wanted to build credit. I did not expect my parents to "react" so much this way since we are capable adults. My dad yelling on the phone while my wife listens (teleconference) broke my heart, as I see her getting hurt and feeling defenseless. I love and respect my father but I was as surprised as my wife when he tried to intervene. We could have gotten off without the harsh words, now my poor wife is not sure anymore if she wants them in her life as well. I can understand her disappointment. She told me that my parents should trust her as she trusts them.

I apologize if this is turning out to be a personal & am sounding like a man without the balls. I am just hurt of what happened and my wife has been so quiet today. I heard her crying in the bathroom and she would not let me comfort her.

This is not a good day at all.

Ah, ok. Man, I feel for you. Perhaps a meeting with your father when you all can sit down calmly, letting him know the boundaries of the relationship that you want. If you are completely free from any financial support from them, then I don't see how you father should be meddling in your financial dealings. It was tough for me because my parents had helped me out financially over the years, making it difficult to feel like I was totally independent from them. I'm sure he means well and I hope your wife can understand that aspect, but she shouldn't have to be subjected to being talked to that way either.

[LoriLawless 0]

You need to sit down with your father and tell him that while you love and respect him, and you are appreciative for everything he's done for you in your life AND for what he's done for you and your wife, that you are a grown man with a grown woman for a wife and your father is not showing respect to either of you.

While it's all well and good that he wants to pay off the car...for him to be screaming seems like a little '#######?' to me. Why is your father so passionate about something which doesn't concern him? Why does he feel it's his place to concern himself with your wife's financial choices? And what's with the ultimatum over the garage?

Seems to me that if you go your father's route, you'd be saving interest, I'm sure...but losing having control over your own situation. I'd pay the interest every time, heh.

I am never one for cutting family out of my life, but at the same time, if I put myself in your wife's shoes, I'd be scared thinking 'omG is this how it's going to be?' And that's not because of your father's behavior...rather because of your own for not putting your foot down with your father. I'm sorry to say, but I find his reaction completely out of line no matter what his intention.

Have a heart to heart with your father. I don't know how old you are...but I'm guessing you're on the young side...but show your father that you are a grown man and deserve respect! It is your responsibility to demand respect for your wife as well. I'm not saying all fist pounding and ultimatums...but you married this woman and your first responsibility is to her

In laws yelling, throwing ultimatums, etc at the spouse is completely OTT if you ask me.

Perfectly said, I couldn't agree more.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

One consideration that might bear some weight - your time line doesn't say if you have applied yet to remove conditions, however, if you have not you will need to provide evidence that the two of you are co-mingling financial assets - a car loan in your names, insurance in your names and the financial arrangements these entail all count as excellent evidence that may make the difference between approval without an interview or having to prove in person the validity of your marriage. Hehehe, you can make all of the 'immigration' problems work for you in this case.

[Fandango 1,440]

One consideration that might bear some weight - your time line doesn't say if you have applied yet to remove conditions, however, if you have not you will need to provide evidence that the two of you are co-mingling financial assets - a car loan in your names, insurance in your names and the financial arrangements these entail all count as excellent evidence that may make the difference between approval without an interview or having to prove in person the validity of your marriage. Hehehe, you can make all of the 'immigration' problems work for you in this case.

While that is true...no justification is needed! omG imagine your husband making excuses to his family for things you do. I'd hit the effin ceiling.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Agreed, no justification is needed, however that might help make the father behave more considerately to his son and daughter in law as they continue to establish their new life together independent from the family.

[pnrmbr975 1]

One consideration that might bear some weight - your time line doesn't say if you have applied yet to remove conditions, however, if you have not you will need to provide evidence that the two of you are co-mingling financial assets - a car loan in your names, insurance in your names and the financial arrangements these entail all count as excellent evidence that may make the difference between approval without an interview or having to prove in person the validity of your marriage. Hehehe, you can make all of the 'immigration' problems work for you in this case.

Yes. You just gave us a brilliant idea! Although I won't use this as an excuse. I won't put up with my father's meddling and inappropriate actions, if it will mean totally cutting off my ties with my family so be it. But my wife actually reached out to him earlier while she was at work and made that call. She wanted him and I to sit down altogether and have an open talk. My wife is still hurting but she's trying to be as respectul and level-headed as she can.

I don't even know if we can go over my parents' place this Thanksgiving. That is how hurt I am and my wife. She's all I got and I will not lose her over this.

Edited November 6, 2007 by pnrmbr975