how to best use the 90 days prior to marriage k-1

[Fandango 1,439]

for those of you who seem to think the foreign fiance is giving up everything...

lets see what are they giving up? some fiances are coming from poor nations... they are giving

up incredibly low pay, bad housing, etc etc etc to make the terrible sacrifice to come to america.

geez.. thats a tough one.

there are many foreign fiances that arent giving up much... and they will do and say anything to get here..

thats just the truth.. most of the people on this forum wont have this problem..

Wow, to get a fiance who looks down on her whole way of life as worthless!

hmm and that would be why I have paid thousands of dollars in medical care for her parents ?

im a real heartless ####### for sure.

But to imply that somebody must not love or is not dedicated to their partner because they're going to give their partner the opportunity to adjust is at best naive, and at worst mean spirited.

Talk about taking out of context! hahahahaha

This conversation has NEVER been about giving the partner the 'opportunity to adjust'. This is about people thinking it's ok to treat their fiancees like chattel. To scrutinize them from the second they get here to 'make sure' the USC is not going to get 'burned'. It's deplorable to think that way IMO....especially AFTER the fiancee has given up EVERYTHING to get here.

I said this all yesterday.

But ok, b@lls to the wall time...and I'm never one to mince words so I'll say this: any USC who treats his/her partner like this....like the OP has suggested....is NOT dedicated to his/her partner...more dedicated to getting what they 'ordered'. Any person who doesn't treat his/her partner with the respect that (s)he deserves as ANY HUMAN BEING DESERVES...any person that can JUSTIFY a 'little bit of privacy invasion'....is a sad pathetic & broken excuse for a person and needs a therapist, not a spouse.

So you've bought and paid for the right to invade her privacy? That's interesting!

[Zee Bee 61]

for those of you who seem to think the foreign fiance is giving up everything...

lets see what are they giving up? some fiances are coming from poor nations... they are giving

up incredibly low pay, bad housing, etc etc etc to make the terrible sacrifice to come to america.

geez.. thats a tough one.

there are many foreign fiances that arent giving up much... and they will do and say anything to get here..

thats just the truth.. most of the people on this forum wont have this problem..

I disagree.

Yes, there are some people who just want to get here and will do whatever to get here.

But then there are those who are giving up a lot. Just because someone comes from a poor country does not mean that they want to leave. There are those who want to stay in their country to try and change it for the better. Those who have seen or know someone who has come here, seen their transition and they do not want to go through that.

Be careful about lumping people from "poor" countries together. My fiance and I had this argument more times than I care to count because he was adamant about staying in Ghana. He didn't want to come here. He has family, friends, a job etc. Is that not enough to give up?

So are you saying that only poor people are desperate to come here? Or that only poor people are scammers? There are too many stories of doctors, nurses, engineers and other professionals who do the exact same thing. People who were living quite comfortably and just wanted a ticket to America.

No matter where the fiance(e) is coming from they are giving up something. I don't think it is fair to say that just because they are coming from a poor country that their value is any less than someone coming from a "rich" country.

We are all not the same. What is true in your case is not true for everyone else.

[nivesito 0]

there are many foreign fiances that arent giving up much... and they will do and say anything to get here..

thats just the truth.. most of the people on this forum wont have this problem..

No comment.....unbeliveable

[archie07 0]

I never said the 90 days was a get to know time.... Ive known her over a year...

I think its a good time to double check thats all

I had a very bad experience in the past and am given to moments of paranoia at times

hence the key logger statement, which was one of those things i might say but not do..

im sure no one else has ever said something that they didnt actually intend to do...

I am not going into the gory details of my bad k-1 experience, but I will relate

the story of a fellow here that I know.. His story is a little worse than mine..

His wife had their baby and then took off without notice back to her home country

never to be seen again... seems she just wanted an american baby.. nice ....

leaving behind heartbroken grandparents and father... and he didnt see it coming..

neither did I.. but I wasnt looking either.. I wish I didnt have trust issues, its not fun.

how do you trust completely when you are totally decieved? I dont know.

Let's be clear here: the 90 days is not a get to know you time.

If you need that time to get to know your fiance, you shouldn't have petitioned yet!

There's nothing wrong with the 90 days being a "get to know if your fiance is going to be able to adapt to a new life" period. Some people simply can't do it, as much as they love their partner. It's heartbreaking, but it's better to find out before signing papers than after.

Something is wrong with this story. She did not need to come to the united states to have an american baby. A week in manila would have solved that issue.

[Fandango 1,439]

Good catch, Archie!

[LoriLawless 0]

Great point!

[mox 298]

for those of you who seem to think the foreign fiance is giving up everything...

lets see what are they giving up? some fiances are coming from poor nations... they are giving

up incredibly low pay, bad housing, etc etc etc to make the terrible sacrifice to come to america.

geez.. thats a tough one.

Your timeline says you're going through Armenia. There used to be a day that Eastern Europeans were trying desperately to get out of their countries and to the west. Not because of "low pay, bad housing, etc" but because of the political and social climate. Those days are mostly behind us, although not completely gone. In any case, Eastern Europeans and Russians are no longer trying to leave their country en masse, and wages and quality of life are better than they've ever been. Certainly not up to American standards, but much better than they were even 10 years ago. Many a Western man has made the mistake that he is somehow "rescuing" a pretty young thing from a life of poverty and hard work in the potato fields or factories. The facts couldn't be more different.

Your lady probably carries a cell phone. She might even have an iPod or mp3 player. She probably has a relatively decent job which affords her an apartment (possibly shared), a telephone, a television, and maybe even internet access in her home, or at least the discretionary income to afford to hit the local internet cafe a few times or more during the week. She probably hits the local disco on Friday nights, and is able to afford the odd shopping trip for a pair of shoes or some nice clothes. Compared to her parents, she is extremely well off.

In short, your fiance very likely does not *need* you. She loves you, she wants to be with you, and she is willing to give up her life to be with you. But don't make the mistake of thinking that you are rescuing her, because not only will she be insulted by that notion, but you'll be in for a rude awakening.

And even if you found the rare girl who does live in poverty and yet still managed to hook up with you, you're completely discounting family and social ties. Your girl has known her parents and aunts/uncles/brothers/sisters/etc a heckuva lot longer than she's known you. Believe it or not, the choice between poverty and a life in America away from family really is a tough decision for many people. If you think you're doing her a favor by bringing her here, you should think again. She's coming here for you, not a green card.

[Seattle2Cebu 0]

you have more issues than i do lisa

we could split the bill for the psychiatrist

Good catch, Archie!

[Seattle2Cebu 0]

going through Manila Philippines Cebu is in the Visayas

for those of you who seem to think the foreign fiance is giving up everything...

lets see what are they giving up? some fiances are coming from poor nations... they are giving

up incredibly low pay, bad housing, etc etc etc to make the terrible sacrifice to come to america.

geez.. thats a tough one.

Your timeline says you're going through Armenia. There used to be a day that Eastern Europeans were trying desperately to get out of their countries and to the west. Not because of "low pay, bad housing, etc" but because of the political and social climate. Those days are mostly behind us, although not completely gone. In any case, Eastern Europeans and Russians are no longer trying to leave their country en masse, and wages and quality of life are better than they've ever been. Certainly not up to American standards, but much better than they were even 10 years ago. Many a Western man has made the mistake that he is somehow "rescuing" a pretty young thing from a life of poverty and hard work in the potato fields or factories. The facts couldn't be more different.

Your lady probably carries a cell phone. She might even have an iPod or mp3 player. She probably has a relatively decent job which affords her an apartment (possibly shared), a telephone, a television, and maybe even internet access in her home, or at least the discretionary income to afford to hit the local internet cafe a few times or more during the week. She probably hits the local disco on Friday nights, and is able to afford the odd shopping trip for a pair of shoes or some nice clothes. Compared to her parents, she is extremely well off.

In short, your fiance very likely does not *need* you. She loves you, she wants to be with you, and she is willing to give up her life to be with you. But don't make the mistake of thinking that you are rescuing her, because not only will she be insulted by that notion, but you'll be in for a rude awakening.

And even if you found the rare girl who does live in poverty and yet still managed to hook up with you, you're completely discounting family and social ties. Your girl has known her parents and aunts/uncles/brothers/sisters/etc a heckuva lot longer than she's known you. Believe it or not, the choice between poverty and a life in America away from family really is a tough decision for many people. If you think you're doing her a favor by bringing her here, you should think again. She's coming here for you, not a green card.

[mox 298]

going through Manila Philippines Cebu is in the Visayas

Ah, you changed it. Okay. I'm not really up on what's happening in PI these days, but I think my argument still holds: she is not leaving her family and friends for America, she's leaving for you. If you take the attitude that you are "rescuing" her from poverty and a miserable life, you are bound to be disappointed.

[bakofoil 27]

I never said the 90 days was a get to know time.... Ive known her over a year...

I think its a good time to double check thats all

I had a very bad experience in the past and am given to moments of paranoia at times

hence the key logger statement, which was one of those things i might say but not do..

im sure no one else has ever said something that they didnt actually intend to do

You started the thread and the title suggested you were offering good advice to those of us going through this process.

I wish I didnt have trust issues, its not fun.

how do you trust completely when you are totally decieved? I dont know.

I don't think it's a good idea to marry anyone you do not trust. Especially not someone who lives a long way away. You need to resolve any trust issues before committing yourself to someone for life.

for those of you who seem to think the foreign fiance is giving up everything...

lets see what are they giving up? some fiances are coming from poor nations... they are giving

up incredibly low pay, bad housing, etc etc etc to make the terrible sacrifice to come to america.

geez.. thats a tough one.

there are many foreign fiances that arent giving up much... and they will do and say anything to get here..

thats just the truth.. most of the people on this forum wont have this problem..

Maybe the problems you are experiencing stem from your lack of understanding of your fiancee's experience in this process. Leaving your country is not *just* about money, it's about security; leaving a network of family and friends behind. Not to mention being completely dependent on others whilst adjustment takes place.

hmm and that would be why I have paid thousands of dollars in medical care for her parents ?

im a real heartless ####### for sure.

her parents being ill could also be contributing to a difficult choice for her.

Also, I don't see how paying out thousands to help her and her family is relevant to this discussion unless you are assuming that she owes you and therefore it is ok to invade her privacy and accuse her of being less than trustworthy. It is not ok.

Work on building trust between you and enjoying the first 90 days of the rest of your life together.

[Seattle2Cebu 0]

thats not my attitude.. I think she is rescuing me actually.

thanks for your toughtful posts.

going through Manila Philippines Cebu is in the Visayas

Ah, you changed it. Okay. I'm not really up on what's happening in PI these days, but I think my argument still holds: she is not leaving her family and friends for America, she's leaving for you. If you take the attitude that you are "rescuing" her from poverty and a miserable life, you are bound to be disappointed.

[Seattle2Cebu 0]

you have a right to be judge and jury and executioner, but I wish you had better taste in a photo..

wish you could pick out something better to look at than something that points to a big ###

how bout some flowers or a sunset or something.. ???

for those of you who seem to think the foreign fiance is giving up everything...

lets see what are they giving up? some fiances are coming from poor nations... they are giving

up incredibly low pay, bad housing, etc etc etc to make the terrible sacrifice to come to america.

geez.. thats a tough one.

there are many foreign fiances that arent giving up much... and they will do and say anything to get here..

thats just the truth.. most of the people on this forum wont have this problem..

Wow, to get a fiance who looks down on her whole way of life as worthless!

hmm and that would be why I have paid thousands of dollars in medical care for her parents ?

im a real heartless ####### for sure.

But to imply that somebody must not love or is not dedicated to their partner because they're going to give their partner the opportunity to adjust is at best naive, and at worst mean spirited.

Talk about taking out of context! hahahahaha

This conversation has NEVER been about giving the partner the 'opportunity to adjust'. This is about people thinking it's ok to treat their fiancees like chattel. To scrutinize them from the second they get here to 'make sure' the USC is not going to get 'burned'. It's deplorable to think that way IMO....especially AFTER the fiancee has given up EVERYTHING to get here.

I said this all yesterday.

But ok, b@lls to the wall time...and I'm never one to mince words so I'll say this: any USC who treats his/her partner like this....like the OP has suggested....is NOT dedicated to his/her partner...more dedicated to getting what they 'ordered'. Any person who doesn't treat his/her partner with the respect that (s)he deserves as ANY HUMAN BEING DESERVES...any person that can JUSTIFY a 'little bit of privacy invasion'....is a sad pathetic & broken excuse for a person and needs a therapist, not a spouse.

So you've bought and paid for the right to invade her privacy? That's interesting!

ur fcked in the head lady

But to imply that somebody must not love or is not dedicated to their partner because they're going to give their partner the opportunity to adjust is at best naive, and at worst mean spirited.

Talk about taking out of context! hahahahaha

This conversation has NEVER been about giving the partner the 'opportunity to adjust'. This is about people thinking it's ok to treat their fiancees like chattel. To scrutinize them from the second they get here to 'make sure' the USC is not going to get 'burned'. It's deplorable to think that way IMO....especially AFTER the fiancee has given up EVERYTHING to get here.

I said this all yesterday.

But ok, b@lls to the wall time...and I'm never one to mince words so I'll say this: any USC who treats his/her partner like this....like the OP has suggested....is NOT dedicated to his/her partner...more dedicated to getting what they 'ordered'. Any person who doesn't treat his/her partner with the respect that (s)he deserves as ANY HUMAN BEING DESERVES...any person that can JUSTIFY a 'little bit of privacy invasion'....is a sad pathetic & broken excuse for a person and needs a therapist, not a spouse.

[Shub 78]

Don't you hate it when everyone keeps quoting the same old huge-### posts? You guys are gonna bust my mouse wheel!

[Lilith79 0]

I think this topic is very interesting and highly questionable.

Personally I'm the one that will get through the huge adjustment period (I'm from Italy), but I lived in the U.S. for more than 8 months, 4 of which with my fiancé. I fit in perfectly and I started desiring my life in the U.S. after a few weeks I was in Boston. I'm not gonna give up on a small amount of friendships ans familiy tie (I will maybe face my parents and relatives dismay since Italians are all about living in the same neighborhood of their kids) but I'm eager to do that for my love AND for my desire of not staying here (I would leave anyway for somewhere in Europe).

Of course, considering the super hard situation that we face here about jobs (I graduated from grad school 2 years ago and still unemployed...) I want to leave my country cause I don't have any prospective here and my fiancé, knowing this, could be suspicious and think I'm trying to get married just for having my dream come true. We wouldn't ever get married if we hadn't lived together for a while and had a chance to know each other enough to make such decision. Personally I don't understand people who get married without having lived together, but that's completely up to them. I wouldn't use the 90 days as a test, though and my fiancé wouldn't either. He had lots of doubts before proposing (for months he said he wouldn't think about marriage) and I wouldn't blame him if he had moments in which he was afraid I could be doing that cause I was in love with his country more than with him.

I think that if a bell rings you know that it's ringing, but resorting to dishonest ways shouldn't be tolerated. I think talking about these doubts is the best thing to do. If one still feels too insecure about the OP should NOT get married (and btw I believe a few doubts are just normal and human for any of us...but there are different levels of doubts.)