how to best use the 90 days prior to marriage k-1

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

Good advice

You admittadly didn't read the post.......So this was completely insincere?

I think Seattle2Cebu has plenty things missing in their thought/logic process. You make it sound as is if your fiance is a complete stranger. Your advice to step back and look at the situation for what is for is a step you do before you even start your K-1 process, in fact its something you do before you propose to this person. This thing with a keylogger? How horrible is that advice? Those types of things are only good to protect your kids, they are not meant for your equal, or at least the person who is suppose to be your equal. It does not matter what part of the world you live, except for arranged marriages, that you should always get to know the person before you propose and if you're still filling iffy afterwards then maybe its not such a great idea to get engaged to be married, that is only common sense.

I replied "Good Advice" because I felt bad for the OP, sigh, I was just being polite, I need to really watch what I'm saying.....I agree with your statement Wahenie19....I actually didn't even see the key logger part of the post until after I had posted and then I was like

I just found it so sad that someone would have to go to those lengths after they have already made such a commitment to the one they love and supposedly loves them back. It's good advice to someone who doubts the person they love so much but if that's where the relationship is...beyond sad....how can you possibly even commit to someone when you know so little about them???

The OP must have gone through something bad to be inspired to write this.

Even though your " Good Advice" back up of the OP is ill advised in IMO--at least "own" your words.....Back peddling with the tide/ bandwagon and explaining yourself away shows weakness.

To the OP I think you are completely out of line. The K-1 is NOT a get to know/trust you visa. You have already stated to USCIS that you intend to marry this person. The K-1 is not granted in order for you to spy and make sure.....It's an abuse of the system and your future wife's right to privacy.

Sorry for showing "weakness" I was just trying to be kind. I'm not "going with the tide" either....I just feel bad about the whole situation.

Sheesh.

Edited October 24, 2007 by ~Laura and Nick~

[tmma 467]

Good advice

You admittadly didn't read the post.......So this was completely insincere?

I think Seattle2Cebu has plenty things missing in their thought/logic process. You make it sound as is if your fiance is a complete stranger. Your advice to step back and look at the situation for what is for is a step you do before you even start your K-1 process, in fact its something you do before you propose to this person. This thing with a keylogger? How horrible is that advice? Those types of things are only good to protect your kids, they are not meant for your equal, or at least the person who is suppose to be your equal. It does not matter what part of the world you live, except for arranged marriages, that you should always get to know the person before you propose and if you're still filling iffy afterwards then maybe its not such a great idea to get engaged to be married, that is only common sense.

I replied "Good Advice" because I felt bad for the OP, sigh, I was just being polite, I need to really watch what I'm saying.....I agree with your statement Wahenie19....I actually didn't even see the key logger part of the post until after I had posted and then I was like

I just found it so sad that someone would have to go to those lengths after they have already made such a commitment to the one they love and supposedly loves them back. It's good advice to someone who doubts the person they love so much but if that's where the relationship is...beyond sad....how can you possibly even commit to someone when you know so little about them???

The OP must have gone through something bad to be inspired to write this.

Even though your " Good Advice" back up of the OP is ill advised in IMO--at least "own" your words.....Back peddling with the tide/ bandwagon and explaining yourself away shows weakness.

To the OP I think you are completely out of line. The K-1 is NOT a get to know/trust you visa. You have already stated to USCIS that you intend to marry this person. The K-1 is not granted in order for you to spy and make sure.....It's an abuse of the system and your future wife's right to privacy.

Sorry for showing "weakness" I was just trying to be kind.

sheesh.

Then why did you stop " being kind" to just jump on the bandwagon when the tide turned?

There's kindness in honesty & sincerity too.

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

Good advice

You admittadly didn't read the post.......So this was completely insincere?

I think Seattle2Cebu has plenty things missing in their thought/logic process. You make it sound as is if your fiance is a complete stranger. Your advice to step back and look at the situation for what is for is a step you do before you even start your K-1 process, in fact its something you do before you propose to this person. This thing with a keylogger? How horrible is that advice? Those types of things are only good to protect your kids, they are not meant for your equal, or at least the person who is suppose to be your equal. It does not matter what part of the world you live, except for arranged marriages, that you should always get to know the person before you propose and if you're still filling iffy afterwards then maybe its not such a great idea to get engaged to be married, that is only common sense.

I replied "Good Advice" because I felt bad for the OP, sigh, I was just being polite, I need to really watch what I'm saying.....I agree with your statement Wahenie19....I actually didn't even see the key logger part of the post until after I had posted and then I was like

I just found it so sad that someone would have to go to those lengths after they have already made such a commitment to the one they love and supposedly loves them back. It's good advice to someone who doubts the person they love so much but if that's where the relationship is...beyond sad....how can you possibly even commit to someone when you know so little about them???

The OP must have gone through something bad to be inspired to write this.

Even though your " Good Advice" back up of the OP is ill advised in IMO--at least "own" your words.....Back peddling with the tide/ bandwagon and explaining yourself away shows weakness.

To the OP I think you are completely out of line. The K-1 is NOT a get to know/trust you visa. You have already stated to USCIS that you intend to marry this person. The K-1 is not granted in order for you to spy and make sure.....It's an abuse of the system and your future wife's right to privacy.

Sorry for showing "weakness" I was just trying to be kind.

sheesh.

Then why did you stop " being kind" to just jump on the bandwagon when the tide turned?

There's kindness in honesty & sincerity too.

I agree with you. I made a mistake.

Honestly, the post made me uncomfortable and when I saw other people stating their true feelings, I felt like I should too.

I'm sorry.

[mox 298]

This was really good advice until the "key logger" thing. It's important to protect yourself, especially if you simply haven't been able to spend a lot of time with the person due to geography. But going the key logger route is a recipe for disaster. Think about this: what if you found out your partner had been key-logging you?

Building a relationship on trust doesn't mean you have to be a sucker, but it also means trusting that your partner will do the right thing. But I would definitely recommend marrying closer to the end of the 90 day period if you haven't been able to spend a significant amount of time with your fiance. It gives your partner time to really decide if they're going to be able to live in a new country, and it gives you both time to decide if you're right for each other. Truth be told, I wish the K-1 allowed for 180 days, because I think 90 days is just a bit too short. But that's what we have to work with, and it makes sense to use that time to the best advantage.

[Fandango 1,439]

This was really good advice until the "key logger" thing. It's important to protect yourself, especially if you simply haven't been able to spend a lot of time with the person due to geography. But going the key logger route is a recipe for disaster. Think about this: what if you found out your partner had been key-logging you?

Building a relationship on trust doesn't mean you have to be a sucker, but it also means trusting that your partner will do the right thing. But I would definitely recommend marrying closer to the end of the 90 day period if you haven't been able to spend a significant amount of time with your fiance. It gives your partner time to really decide if they're going to be able to live in a new country, and it gives you both time to decide if you're right for each other. Truth be told, I wish the K-1 allowed for 180 days, because I think 90 days is just a bit too short. But that's what we have to work with, and it makes sense to use that time to the best advantage.

Again, the point many people miss is that the 90 days is NOT A GET TO KNOW YOU PERIOD! You should have already done that!

If anyone has serious doubts....jeeez, would it be such a stretch to FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE MARRYING before you petition your gov't for this person's admission into the country? Let alone all the upheaval to the foreign fiance.

Honestly, I cannot fathom how people are petitioning for others when it's clear they neither know nor trust their partners.

I'm not saying throw caution to the wind and marry someone that you don't trust. And I'm not justifying it by saying 'oh you can get used by an American, so it's not so bad'....but let's be real....if you've only met your fiance once and you two don't share a common language....if you think you're a sucker...then you probably are.

[eric_and_teresa 10]

Again, the point many people miss is that the 90 days is NOT A GET TO KNOW YOU PERIOD! You should have already done that!

If anyone has serious doubts....jeeez, would it be such a stretch to FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE MARRYING before you petition your gov't for this person's admission into the country? Let alone all the upheaval to the foreign fiance.

Honestly, I cannot fathom how people are petitioning for others when it's clear they neither know nor trust their partners.

I'm not saying throw caution to the wind and marry someone that you don't trust. And I'm not justifying it by saying 'oh you can get used by an American, so it's not so bad'....but let's be real....if you've only met your fiance once and you two don't share a common language....if you think you're a sucker...then you probably are.

Very well said! My favorite part was the one in bold

[william_wallace 8]

I was under the impression that not only do you have to marry within the 90 days, but you had to have your AOS in the office no later than 90 days. Can you get away with marrying on the 89th day, then AOS?

[mox 298]

Again, the point many people miss is that the 90 days is NOT A GET TO KNOW YOU PERIOD! You should have already done that!

There are realities to this process that are much different than the realities we face when marrying someone from our own country. It's not just about getting to know your partner. It's about adjusting to not only a new partner, but an entirely new country. Many people, as much as they love their partner, will not be up to this challenge. It's better to find that before the nuptials than after. Using the 90 days the K-1 just makes sense. It's not about love or trust or any of that #######. It's about adjusting to the realities of starting a new life together in the most sweeping sense of the word.

If anyone has serious doubts....jeeez, would it be such a stretch to FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE MARRYING before you petition your gov't for this person's admission into the country? Let alone all the upheaval to the foreign fiance.

Honestly, I cannot fathom how people are petitioning for others when it's clear they neither know nor trust their partners.

Either you've managed to spend a LOT of time with your intended spouse (which is wonderful if you have) or you just don't understand. I've already said I disagreed with the "wiretapping" portion of the OP's post, and I've also said trust is key. You quoted my post, so I'm not sure that you read my entire post. So I'll say it again: trust is key. But getting to know someone through phone calls, emails, and the odd couple week visit to her country is MUCH different than your parter walking away from almost their entire life to live in another country. In that case, you simply owe it to each other to make sure this is what they want. This isn't about marriage, it's about life.

I was under the impression that not only do you have to marry within the 90 days, but you had to have your AOS in the office no later than 90 days. Can you get away with marrying on the 89th day, then AOS?

Yes. You just have to be married within 90 days.

[archie07 0]

I think you may be getting a little nervous since the time is near. Keep a positive attitude and work on having a great life together. Remember, she left her family and friends to be with you. You are her world. If you treat her good she would probably be writing home telling everyone how happy she is. I see no reason to be spying at all and don't think it's a good idea. If there was ever a reason to spy I don't think a key logger will do you any good unless you can understand tagalog! I've also read some of the horror stories on here but believe it or not some of us do hit the jackpot. You had ample time thru this visa process to get to know each other well. I wish you both a great life togehter.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Perhaps the OP will totally understand when his fiancee turns around and puts him under close scrutiny, keylogs his computer, monitors his phone calls and spending habits, questions his every move and motivation as well. After all, she is also marrying a foreigner! What is sauce for the goose is also sauce for the gander.

I think the key to a good marriage relationship is treating your partner the way you would like to be treated - with respect, consideration, sensitivity, compassion, integrity . . . well, you can make up your own list. If you end up making a mistake, well you have made a mistake but it won't have been one caused by your own paranoia. And it is always worth remembering that it may be your spouse who ends up believing she has made the mistake

[mox 298]

Perhaps the OP will totally understand when his fiancee turns around and puts him under close scrutiny, keylogs his computer, monitors his phone calls and spending habits, questions his every move and motivation as well. After all, she is also marrying a foreigner! What is sauce for the goose is also sauce for the gander.

I think the key to a good marriage relationship is treating your partner the way you would like to be treated - with respect, consideration, sensitivity, compassion, integrity . . . well, you can make up your own list. If you end up making a mistake, well you have made a mistake but it won't have been one caused by your own paranoia. And it is always worth remembering that it may be your spouse who ends up believing she has made the mistake

Well I think the OP's heart was in the right place. Having been severely burned in a marriage that I thought was going to last the rest of my life, I have to admit that the relationships I've entered into after that, including my current one, have been with an eye towards protecting myself. Fortunately, I truly do believe I've found "the one" this time (and I'll spare you the sappy volumes I could write as to why ) but I completely sympathize with the notion to protect ones self going in to any committed relationship, let alone one that is fraught with the complexities that a K-1 is. The woman I was married to had me completely snowed, and we were both from the same city, let alone the same country. The possibilities are magnified considerably when it comes to international relationships, and not just with the foreign beneficiary. There have been a lot of women who gave up everything to come over to a man they loved, only to be abused, enslaved, and worse. That 90 days is there for a reason, and it's not just to get to know each other.

[pushbrk 12,883]

the rule is that a couple has to get married within 90 days. This is just a suggestion, but it

is based on experience. You could possibly save yourself a lot of grief and $$$ if you

will step out of your emotions and observe your fiance during this time. You can set the

wedding date towards the end of 90 days. Allow yourself to be a third party observer

looking in. Be alert to red flags and possible issues. Address any issues that arise. You

can end up deeply regretting it, if you choose to overlook problems and just hope

they will resolve themselves. There is a whole lot more to living as a couple than emotion

and feelings of love which can be exaggerated from a long distance relationship. Your

fiance may not express her/his concerns to you in an open direct way. The USA is a

big big dream for many immigrants and some will say anything and do anything to

be here. Dont think that you are immune to being taken advantage of. This is not to say

you live under a cloud of suspicion and doubt. Of course few people would take this

advice, because "they know" their relationship will make it. Dont be afraid to ask

hard questions and even seek pre-marital counseling prior to being married. Most of

all trust your gut. All of us have that little still voice or tug at our spirit that warns of

upcoming disaster, take a long long time to think about it before you get married.

There is nothing wrong with putting a key-logger program on your computer and monitoring

your beneficiaries email for a month. Find out what they are saying to people back home.

a little invasion of privacy is way better than having your life blown apart later, not to

mention the emotional devastation..

hopefully this will be rcvd in the spirit it is given..

thanks

Maybe you should have spent more time getting to know her before you filed for the K1 Visa! Key-loggers, pre-nups, looking for red-flags! There is no substitute for being under the same roof, sleeping in the same bed, using the same bathroom, spending money from the same account and trying to share lives that were once 2 seperate people. It brings out our best and our worst. But if you have gone through this long K1 Visa process and have impersonated loving her, yet you don't even know her well enough to trust her, that should make both of you do some serious soul searching. Talk about a red flag!

Asking somebody to go through the visa process then leave their life and country to come halfway around the world to marry you, then using the 90 days as trial period is not what the fiance visa is about. Its also a poor way to begin life with your life partner. Did you propose marriage or did you propose a trial period where the fiance(e) leaves their job, country, culture and life for to take a 90 day test that if they fail, leaves them returning home in disgrace?

Yeah, sure, some relationships don't work out and things happen that end the relationship before the marriage takes place. So be it. It just seems to me the time to decide about marriage is before the proposal, not after a foreign fiancee arrives in the USA.

[william_wallace 8]

Well i suppose i have some sort of experience in this one. I married a US citizen 2 years ago. A mistake which i made and will never do it again. I didnt know her enough and was played into a game which upto now i have never understood. In other words all she wanted was a father to her kids and not a husband. I dont blame her for it, i blame myself for not seeing it. Its something which i have learnt from and made me more aware of what a relationship is really about. This time ive taken my time and i know i will never make that mistake again.

[jundp 191]

I agree with you. I made a mistake.

Honestly, the post made me uncomfortable and when I saw other people stating their true feelings, I felt like I should too.

I'm sorry.

Don't apologize, Laura. You are entitled to your opinion as well as anyone else on here. You are also entitled to change it.

[sj5 4]

the rule is that a couple has to get married within 90 days. This is just a suggestion, but it

is based on experience. You could possibly save yourself a lot of grief and $$ if you

will step out of your emotions and observe your fiance during this time. You can set the

wedding date towards the end of 90 days. Allow yourself to be a third party observer

looking in. Be alert to red flags and possible issues. Address any issues that arise. You

can end up deeply regretting it, if you choose to overlook problems and just hope

they will resolve themselves. There is a whole lot more to living as a couple than emotion

and feelings of love which can be exaggerated from a long distance relationship. Your

fiance may not express her/his concerns to you in an open direct way. The USA is a

big big dream for many immigrants and some will say anything and do anything to

be here. Dont think that you are immune to being taken advantage of. This is not to say

you live under a cloud of suspicion and doubt. Of course few people would take this

advice, because "they know" their relationship will make it. Dont be afraid to ask

hard questions and even seek pre-marital counseling prior to being married. Most of

all trust your gut. All of us have that little still voice or tug at our spirit that warns of

upcoming disaster, take a long long time to think about it before you get married.

There is nothing wrong with putting a key-logger program on your computer and monitoring

your beneficiaries email for a month. Find out what they are saying to people back home.

a little invasion of privacy is way better than having your life blown apart later, not to

mention the emotional devastation..

hopefully this will be rcvd in the spirit it is given..

thanks

Its why I made him to come in Phils for 5 times. to know each other.