Got an email from mom a few minutes ago

[kygeographer 0]

Of course having Felicity come into town isn't complete without some aggravation from my family..

Well, I got an email back from Mom today. I'd written back to her previous email, asking me when I'd like her to come into town to help pack up my house and watch me graduate. She wrote "I need to make flight arrangements. Please get me dates that will fit with your plans."

I wrote back, telling her "Monday night should be ok, but I'll be going to a baseball game with the geo folks and Felicity, so I wont be in until late. Her flight comes in Saturday, I think. She'll be leaving LEX @ 4pm-ish sunday, so she'll stay overnight in Lexington."

I then get this back (pasting parts of the email for brevity): "I truly cannot believe she is coming! I can't believe you would make such a stupid, illconceived, decision. Nor that she would make such a bad choice." and then "I still can't understand how you can allow her to come where she is not wanted."

I'm just a tad pissed at her response. I considered long and hard before giving her the green light to come back and stay, just because she's only got a week to stay here, with her job and all. I don't know how letting my girlfriend come into town to watch me graduate (the biggest achievement yet in my life) is stupid, and ill-conceived. Graduating from college is a huge achievement, something I'm very proud of, and I'd love for her to share that with me. She knows it will be my family in town, and that a large part of my time will have to be devoted to them as well. I know she hates my girlfriend, mainly, I think, because she's not American (she's Australian), and mom thinks I'm just being used for a green card. I don't think that she can make the claim "she's not wanted here", because that's simply not the case. She is wanted here. I want her here. This is my day, not mom's, and I'm not about to have it become mom's day. I've poured blood, sweat and tears into this for four years, and I'm not about to have someone dictate who will come and who will not. My friends want her here. Both the friends that have met her, and the friends that have not.

Somehow, I get the odd feeling that mom is going to turn this week into a big power struggle, and do her damnedest to try to make Felicity feel unwelcome, and I'm not sure how to counter this without coming across as a jerk.

So, how should I respond to this email.. should I just let her know how I see it, and what I expect out of everybody involved during graduation week, or should I just drop it? What should I do? I'm all ears, and my shrink's on vacation this week!

Edited April 12, 2006 by kygeographer

[Jaylen Brit 0]

wow - mom is SO not a happy camper huh?

Ask her what she means..call her on it - act confused as to her angle here - and see if she backs down or not.

If not - just tell her - nicely, politely, with love but FIRMLY - that YOU want her here - and its your day which you WANT to share with her AND your mom..and you don't see how that can be a bad thing.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

WOW. So sorry that i don't have any REAL advice, except to say that you're right..it's YOUR hard work, it's YOUR day, and YOU want her there. End of story..if my mom made any fuss I would very politely, mind you(being your mom and all) tell her just that. There's no excuse for that kind of behavior, especially from a parent. I have read the stories here though, and I'm so glad that both Craig and I have had SUPER supportive parents..we know we're really blessed with that. Take care, and I hope you have a fab!! graduation nonethe less!!! M &C

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

Well, if it was me, I'd tell mom that she might just want to stay home then or adjust her attitude towards my SO prior to departing for Louisville. I mean, I love my mom with all my heart but if she'd pull shitty shite like that (which my mom never would), I'd be seriously upset.

Hope it all works out.

What is it with thinking that an Aussie would be so hell bent on moving to the US anyways?

[Aymerlu 3]

I know exactly how you feel. My fiance is from Egypt and so many comments have been so un-necessary and hurtful. Finally a few weeks ago and just sat my parents down and told them how I felt. Ever since then they have actually been cool with me. Should've done this a LONG time ago.

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

I know exactly how you feel. My fiance is from Egypt and so many comments have been so un-necessary and hurtful. Finally a few weeks ago and just sat my parents down and told them how I felt. Ever since then they have actually been cool with me. Should've done this a LONG time ago.

Good for you. The family usually comes around when they realize what the fiance(e) or spouse really means to you.

[blackbettie 0]

Well, if it was me, I'd tell mom that she might just want to stay home then or adjust her attitude towards my SO prior to departing for Louisville. I mean, I love my mom with all my heart but if she'd pull shitty shite like that (which my mom never would), I'd be seriously upset.

Hope it all works out.

What is it with thinking that an Aussie would be so hell bent on moving to the US anyways?

That's exactly what I was about to say. Tell her - in a calm way - what you think and how you feel about everything and that she either changes her attitude or that she might want to stay at home for your graduation ceremonies.

I know that this is hard and you love your mom and want her to be there too, but I'm sorry, what she said was a tad too mean for my taste.

[chocolaterie 0]

Yes you need to sit her down and tell her how you feel. Felicity isn't going to disappear no matter how much your mom disapproves. In the end, doesn't your mom want you to be happy? (She'll say yes) then explain to her that you love your wife to be, and she loves you. This makes you happy. And since you're graduating, you couldn't wish for more than to have the two best women in your life attending this momentous event. =) At least that's how I would word it.

[Jasman0717 9]

[rebeccajo 14]

Ok, because I am a parent, and NOT because I agree with what your mother has said....please don't be mad....

Have your parents paid for your education? If so this is their day too.

*ducks*

I'm only playing devil's advocate here. I do think what she is saying is wrong.

Edited April 13, 2006 by rebeccajo

[kygeographer 0]

Ok, because I am a parent, and NOT because I agree with what your mother has said....please don't be mad....

Have your parents paid for your education? If so this is their day too.

*ducks*

I'm only playing devil's advocate here. I do think what she is saying is wrong.

You do have a valid point there. They did bankroll the education.

Do I still have a leg to stand on here, or am I SOL?

[rebeccajo 14]

Ok, because I am a parent, and NOT because I agree with what your mother has said....please don't be mad....

Have your parents paid for your education? If so this is their day too.

*ducks*

I'm only playing devil's advocate here. I do think what she is saying is wrong.

You do have a valid point there. They did bankroll the education.

Do I still have a leg to stand on here, or am I SOL?

Ky, I've read your posts before. I think you're mother is wrong. But if handled properly they may just come around - eventually. Probably not in time for graduation though.

Even Jamie's mother and dad finally accepted Vipul - now THAT'S a long VJ saga that made no sense either.

[Fandango 1,440]

Well, if it was me, I'd tell mom that she might just want to stay home then or adjust her attitude towards my SO prior to departing for Louisville. I mean, I love my mom with all my heart but if she'd pull shitty shite like that (which my mom never would), I'd be seriously upset.

Hope it all works out.

What is it with thinking that an Aussie would be so hell bent on moving to the US anyways?

That's exactly what I was about to say. Tell her - in a calm way - what you think and how you feel about everything and that she either changes her attitude or that she might want to stay at home for your graduation ceremonies.

I know that this is hard and you love your mom and want her to be there too, but I'm sorry, what she said was a tad too mean for my taste.

I thought this exact thing when I was reading the OPs post....

Seriously, your mom might also have issues cos you're 'at the age' where you're not a kid any longer & she's prolly having a hard time dealing with that. But you are a man now...a college graduate no less...and you need to tell your mom if she can't respect your fiancee for who she is, then she needs to at least put on a show and do it for you.

The email was really harsh & I think your mom feels she can walk all over you....only you can make her realize that she can't. I understand they bankrolled the education, but that doesn't buy a license to treat people like sh!t.

Congrats on the graduation btw!

Edited April 13, 2006 by LisaD

[Jaylen Brit 0]

Ky - I really think you should challenge her - get her to put out her views so you can deal with absolutes and not 'hints' and 'mutterings'.

Find out WHY she seems so opposed so you can counter.

It may be she is just worried - and it comes out badly. If thats the case you can try and allay her fears - remember if you act like a calm rational adult she is more likely to give weight to your words - if you yell and kick up she'll just see the kid she raised and not the man - if that makes sense to you.

I think you CAN have it both ways - as in, have her AND your fiancee there - and you need to explain to her that both are equally important to you - that she's not being pushed aside in any way - but you are master of your own life now. You can say all that with love and kindness, and respect, and still stick to your guns.

All mothers worry - some worry needlessly - but at the end of the day its your life, and any 'mistakes' you make (from HER POV) are YOURS to make and not hers - and letting go is hard

Luck with it.

[Fischkoepfin 1]

Sorry about your mom being so stubborn. I agree, though, that you need to talk to her about this. And maybe see if you can get her to come to your graduation and meet Felicity again.

It will be a difficult week for you, but you'll have to go through with it. If your mom sees there's nothing you can do and that you care about her but not her issues with your g/f, she will eventually have to come around. Make sure to warn Felicity of problems that might arise, and make sure that regardless of what your mom pulls, you two stay calm.

So, talk to her beforehand because it is necessary. If she paid for your education that's one thing, but that doesn't mean she has the right to interfere with your life. If she brings it up, offer to pay her back as soon as you can. During your week together, ignore the issue of your relationship even if your mom brings it up.

Persevere and good luck!