The Vent

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I am sorry that things are tough right now, Spirit. It is true - the first year is the hardest and there were many times during our first year I am sure both of us were questioning if we made the right choice. There are times still I am sure both of us are questioning if this is the right choice. It does get easier but there are always going to be challenges living with another person - and interestingly enough, I have found part of the challenge is my own reactions to what I think I 'should' or 'shouldn't be doing. There are definitely times I just wish I was on my own again because it was more 'comfortable'. I was more in control and I was happy being on my own. We are both such different people with different approaches to life and I feel that I am the one who makes the compromises because my nature is more flexible than his. I have to remind myself that he too is making compromises that are just as significant to him, and because it is harder in his nature to do so, perhaps they are even more challenging to him than they are to me. That is one of our differences. We have been at this four years now and have established a type of comfortable rhythm. Part of that comes from recognizing that we are each of us individuals. We actually wrote that into our marriage vows - none of this two become one stuff; we said right from the beginning that we would never forget that each of us came into this relationship as an individual and that we would always be individuals, that the challenges would come from two individuals walking side by side through life and that is what is happening.

I know that you enjoy challenging adventures - perhaps if you look at your marriage as the ultimate challenging adventure where you really are trying to encompass great differences both as a couple and as individuals you might find the growth that you seek. Marriage changes us in good ways and sometimes, not so good ways. We retreat, we move forward, we gain confidence, we experience deep doubts. It is definitely not for the weak in spirit!

Only you can decide if the rewards are worth the challenge. Sometimes they are not and it is no flaw or failing, just a recognition that the two roads don't go in the same direction. Sometimes you can each go off on side paths and return to the main road bringing with you the lessons and joys of the side paths, incorporating them into your path together, but that means both of you must be strong as individuals and able both to reach out from your own sense of security and allow your partner freedom to explore without you. Some couples are able to do so; some are not.

Good luck to you whatever paths you take.

[DeadPoolX 9]

my hands are so flipping itchy.... owie owie owie..

I get this every summer.. it's driving me batty today.. i'm sooooo thankful for Aveda anti-itch cream.. FER SURE..

What causes that anywhoo.. little pimply bubbles, peeling skin and ITCHHHHHHH...

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/skin_hair/eczem...zema_003731.htm

silly asthma... WHY did my Grandma have to give me that ???????

You might want to give Zyrtec a try. It's OTC (it was once prescription) and you can find at Walgreen's, CVS, etc. Most of those stores have their own version of it too, which is just as good. Make sure to compare the two, however, to make sure it's the exact same thing. If it is, the store's brand will usually be much less expensive than the name brand.

I used to have this internal itching sensation all over my body and it wouldn't stop. It'd sometimes keep me up at nights, too. It'd appear during the spring and summer and then disappear during the fall and winter. This led me to believe it was an allergy, so I tried Zyrtec (there are other OTC antihistamines available, but they can make you drowsy) and so far, I haven't been itching since. I take one pill every night before bed.

[SpiritAlight 1]

Oh dear Emancipation.

If it is the inside of your left hand, that is a good thing.

It means money is coming.

Have you heard that?

[SpiritAlight 1]

I am sorry that things are tough right now, Spirit. It is true - the first year is the hardest and there were many times during our first year I am sure both of us were questioning if we made the right choice. There are times still I am sure both of us are questioning if this is the right choice. It does get easier but there are always going to be challenges living with another person - and interestingly enough, I have found part of the challenge is my own reactions to what I think I 'should' or 'shouldn't be doing. There are definitely times I just wish I was on my own again because it was more 'comfortable'. I was more in control and I was happy being on my own. We are both such different people with different approaches to life and I feel that I am the one who makes the compromises because my nature is more flexible than his. I have to remind myself that he too is making compromises that are just as significant to him, and because it is harder in his nature to do so, perhaps they are even more challenging to him than they are to me. That is one of our differences. We have been at this four years now and have established a type of comfortable rhythm. Part of that comes from recognizing that we are each of us individuals. We actually wrote that into our marriage vows - none of this two become one stuff; we said right from the beginning that we would never forget that each of us came into this relationship as an individual and that we would always be individuals, that the challenges would come from two individuals walking side by side through life and that is what is happening.

I know that you enjoy challenging adventures - perhaps if you look at your marriage as the ultimate challenging adventure where you really are trying to encompass great differences both as a couple and as individuals you might find the growth that you seek. Marriage changes us in good ways and sometimes, not so good ways. We retreat, we move forward, we gain confidence, we experience deep doubts. It is definitely not for the weak in spirit!

Only you can decide if the rewards are worth the challenge. Sometimes they are not and it is no flaw or failing, just a recognition that the two roads don't go in the same direction. Sometimes you can each go off on side paths and return to the main road bringing with you the lessons and joys of the side paths, incorporating them into your path together, but that means both of you must be strong as individuals and able both to reach out from your own sense of security and allow your partner freedom to explore without you. Some couples are able to do so; some are not.

Good luck to you whatever paths you take.

Thank you for all this Kathryn.

I sure appreciate all of you writing how you deal with your main relationship.

Because we are all so different from different walks of life, no one can judge another's feelings.

And only with lots of analysis and/or lots of quiet introspective connection time can we truly know another.

I am complex creature.

The times I think I have figured me out and then I surprise myself and change some more.

Hahaha.

Hence not accepting the last 4 marriage proposals and quite a few more please-live-with-me offers from handsome, eligible men.

I just wasn't ready nor felt that I would be a good companion, as I seem to change like the wind.

Ah yes and the storm I can be didn't phase my current partner.

He was willing and able..

and now, well I feel like I am hurting him too much and hence myself.

He is a decent human being going through life the best way he knows how.

Just because I want everything but mediocrity, doesn't make him wrong.

It just makes for a challenging go of it.

Will we make it?

Tic toc tic toc.

Time will tell.

We sure try a lot.

Bless his heart for not giving up.

And bless mine for returning to the heart and just pouring out love.

The concerns here, well, I am sure many people face.

It's just... how do people move forward with adversity at hand, and others quit eitther at the slightest upset or after lengthy crash and burn sessions.

Hmmm, I still have much to learn.

[SpiritAlight 1]

Dear Mephys, I hear you when you talk about "control".

In the end there is no such thing.

There are just two people trying to do their best.

Dear Krikit, thanks for making me giggle.

A sense of humour rules!

Dear Len, I had no idea of your husband's illness.

Wow. You are a brave and courageous woman.

More power to ya girrrrrl!

Cliché?!

Hee, hee.

Still, I wish for the both of you much strength and health.

Thank you for your beautiful post (self expression).

I may be sad about things as they are at the moment, and that is only because I want to improve things.

I am so sick of the constant battle.

It is always lose/lose.

I feel sick to my stomach when we disagree.

We need to raise our game.

Yes.

Create something awesome.

[Mephys 2]

Dear Mephys, I hear you when you talk about "control".

In the end there is no such thing.

There are just two people trying to do their best.

I may be sad about things as they are at the moment, and that is only because I want to improve things.

I am so sick of the constant battle.

It is always lose/lose.

I feel sick to my stomach when we disagree.

We need to raise our game.

Yes.

Create something awesome.

The main thing I have learned and that I'm still learning, is compromise. Sometimes you just have to let go of some stupid things that are important for your husband, and the day you will really need it, he's gonna let go as well to make you feel better. Relationship is all about sharing and trusting each other, but the sharing part isn't necessarly all about cute stuff and butterflies, it's also sharing bad situations or bad moods, and try to make the best out of it and support each other.

I cannot word beautiful sentences like you do, but I am sure you get the point

Whatever you decide, you have to let go of all those battles, it's just turning good energy in negative energy, and it makes you sick. Looking at yourself and try to accept some things the way they are might make you change the way you see them. I have no clue how to word that, but anyhow, I hope you find your way, no matter what it is.

We need to raise our game.

Yes.

And this should have said :

To raise our game, we need.

Yes.

[brown_eyes 0]

Spirit... sometimes the only thing that makes me feel better about the arguments between me and the bf is when the fight is over (not necessarily resolved) and he looks at me and just says "we'll be ok."

It gives me hope that he didn't move all the way from the southern nether regions of the US all the way up to Bellingham just to give up. It's clear that to now he's made the bigger sacrifices and this is our first time spending time together since he got here. It has only been 3 weeks of real time other than the visits he made back in the spring.

I used to get so upset over how we would fight and get on each other and we had only been together for such a short time. I thought we were doomed. Now... I just know that we're both going to have to try harder and like you, find different ways to fix things. He says that time is going to help us.

Sometimes I don't have the answers and neither does but that somehow does give me comfort. That we don't know what to do always but we love each other enough to keep on going... we haven't lived together (yet) but I have spent a lot of time with him to know that NOW I am seeing the real him!

My fellow Vancouverite... I hope you find some peace tonight. Your hubby is a lucky man to have you!

[Krikit 1,164]

I've found that a good way to judge the importance of an issue is to answer these questions:

1. Will it matter next month?
2. Will it matter next year?
3. Will it matter in 10 years?

Helps you to work through what's important to you and what's not.

[k34 0]

Wow... there have been some really beautiful and introspective and commonsensical things written in the past bit of posts in response to SpriritAlight. Some of these posts are the kind of thing that might be good to take quotes from to put together into a little page that you can look at when things are seeming not so great.

What I do have to say to your situation directly, Spirit, is that it seems to me like you were hoping you could go into this huge change being wholly yourself, just with another person in the same house and doing the same things as you. I know we are all different, and I wouldn't normally ever offer my opinions on such important things to anyone, but I think that a person needs to go into a committed relationship allowing for not "one to become two", but rather two to become three. A healthy relationship should have two separate people, as well as a couple, imo.

There doesn't necessarily have to be a reason to feel like you are being held back from being who you are or growing as an individual. The things you want out of life that your man doesn't seem to want to explore (you mentioned "status quo")... does he just need more inspiration or something? If you could fully put together a "business plan" for something that you'd like to see happen, would he possibly consider your ideas? I know the term business plan is pretty much the opposite of being free to be the person you feel you need to be, I don't think it has to be if you work with a short time frame and small victories.

[MrsCat 6]

My uncle asked me on facebook today...

Oh and my family has a divorce pool going. Isn't that nice? I have never been married before, and I have been with my fiance for over 4 years.

They're being complete ####### - pardon my language.

utterly appalling!!! - sorry just read this now - I hope things have gotten better.

Edited August 28, 2008 by cattattude

[brown_eyes 0]

kelland 34 --- you are wise!

Great words... I can't wait to talk to my sweetie about what you posted.

[SpiritAlight 1]

My uncle asked me on facebook today...

Oh and my family has a divorce pool going. Isn't that nice? I have never been married before, and I have been with my fiance for over 4 years.

They're being complete ####### - pardon my language.

utterly appalling!!! - sorry just read this now - I hope things have gotten better.

Wow!

Sprailenes, that is unbelievable.

It takes a whole community to strengthen and support a couple.

Blast them!!!

Grrrr.....

[SpiritAlight 1]

The spotlight is on companionship and how to make it smooth and wonder-full.

Yup.

Thank you Mephys.

You need not be poetic like me (at times)

nor sophisticated like Mumsie to have impact.

You are sweet and caring.

It looks like you might even be maturing too!

Hee, hee.

Teasing you, I am.

Dear Brown Eyes,

Talk about making me feel inclusive.

Thanks to you for your beautiful sentiments and sharing of your life.

Embarking on such long committed journeys is not my forté.

I am old and I am young.

Always the paradox.

Ha!

Yes, my sweetie tells me that every day he wakes up with a renewed sense of being (he uses his own words).

And so, he is refreshed and starts on a positive note.

This is a great survival mechanism.

Dear Kelland,

WOW!

Thank you too.

The amount of care pouring out on these pages blows me away.

It is challenging to know eachother with just our words, and yet... (I am referring to us all on VJ)

I work better face-to-face (vis-a-vis).

The idea of small, short term "projects" works for me.

Hmmm...continuing on the drawing board...

You inspired something...me likey!

And yes, many great quotes from so many here.

Thank you too again Krikit.

I work that way too.

It seems we get stuck in a loop sometimes.

Hey, it even happened on the phone earlier this afternoon.

The sensitivity has grown and so things seem worse...

Must breathe and slowwwwwww dowwwwwwwnnnnn.

Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmm....

(F)

(L)

Edited August 28, 2008 by SpiritAlight

[MissStacey 1]

Marriage is not easy. My first marriage only lasted 3 weeks- I used to be sad that I never even got to experience what real marriage was like. Now I am in a real marriage and sometimes I have feelings that I still don't know what it is supposed to be like.

I hate the feeling of not truly believing I belong here. This is Mel's home. We didn't build this home together, we didn't both work to build everything up together. This was his grandparents home- he grew up here. Things are still as his grandma left them. I have no say in what happens in this home. I feel like a guest. If we got divorced tomorrow- his life would not change one bit. Sometimes I feel so resentful because of that. Nothing would change in his life except the fact I was not in it.

I used to be able to talk to him about anything- I was always so open and honest. He always seemed to accept my point of view and see where I was coming from. When we had our first big fight- everything I had ever said came flying back at me in a negative way. Now I am at the point where I don't feel I can truly confide. I can't live the rest of my life keeping things "light and fluffy" I want a best friend. I want a true partner, I want someone who loves me and truly understands me.

Blah Blah Blah (Iggy Pop)- I'm starting to cry.

[SpiritAlight 1]

Marriage is not easy. My first marriage only lasted 3 weeks- I used to be sad that I never even got to experience what real marriage was like. Now I am in a real marriage and sometimes I have feelings that I still don't know what it is supposed to be like.

I hate the feeling of not truly believing I belong here. This is Mel's home. We didn't build this home together, we didn't both work to build everything up together. This was his grandparents home- he grew up here. Things are still as his grandma left them. I have no say in what happens in this home. I feel like a guest. If we got divorced tomorrow- his life would not change one bit. Sometimes I feel so resentful because of that. Nothing would change in his life except the fact I was not in it.

I used to be able to talk to him about anything- I was always so open and honest. He always seemed to accept my point of view and see where I was coming from. When we had our first big fight- everything I had ever said came flying back at me in a negative way. Now I am at the point where I don't feel I can truly confide. I can't live the rest of my life keeping things "light and fluffy" I want a best friend. I want a true partner, I want someone who loves me and truly understands me.

Blah Blah Blah (Iggy Pop)- I'm starting to cry.

Well here it is.

More brutally honest expression.

Dear MissStacey,

Now that is truly tough.

And you have made so curious about your first extremely short marriage.

But you need not go there...

Moving into a man's house when it and he are established...my friend did that in Montreal.

It is his house.

A man's house.

Dark and museum-like.

Nothing says a woman lives there.

Sigh.

I moved into my sweetie's house and it was a wreck.

Left to rot by all the male roommates over the years.

I cleaned and cleaned and cursed in at least 5 languages!

It never helped.

That wallpaper!!!

Arrrrr!

We moved into an apartment at the end of June.

We finally got furniture on Sunday.

We only had a bed and some tables.

Thank goodness a sailing friend is moving and it was easy to go to one place and get some cool shtuff.

An antique dining set that goes with my antique velvet loveseat, hutch and all.

A huge mirror.

Bookshelves, etc etc.

I am finally unpacking some of my few belongings I brought from Vancouver and Montreal.

The house?

Well, it needs to be refurbished and sold.

Bah!

A project.

I let go.

As for your situation MissStacey, does your sweetie get your needs?

If not he really needs to be told by another person.

Seriously, you will leave one day and he will not know why.

That would suck for you mostly.

Except, well, I am not one to judge.

Everything happens for a reason.

And all is perfect.

There are no mistakes they say, only experiences or situations.

Yesssss.

What will you do?

Do you at least have one room that is yours?

Oh dear.

Edited August 28, 2008 by SpiritAlight