The Vent

[Sprailenes 47]

I need advice. I know I know...I have been so up and down since the day I have arrived here. But I feel like this is important.

As you know my husband and I have an apartment and are planning on moving in two weeks. As some of you may also know, our time in this house with the in-laws haven't always been the greatest and theres been problems with my son and his adult brother as well as his mother pre-misdiagnosing my son as ADHD (ps: he was tested duriing his spring break in Canada and he's OKAY).

It's been unhealthy at times for everyone, I believe that everyone needs their space.

However, here's the catch. If we move we will no longer be able to afford the wedding next month. Nothing...we won't be able to pay for the vendors, we won't have rings...nothing. His parents have paid for the venue and there's literally no turning back but we wont have a lot of the things we need.

My husband thinks its okay to just move and then tell his parents we can't afford it...causing them to have to pick up the pieces. I however, think this is unfair to let them know such things at the last minute.

My question is...

Do we suck it up and wait to move out at the end of june?

Or

Do we just move out because living here is stressing us out way too much?

I mean how do you deal with this situation?

His mom paid for my dress and its at the shop awaiting my cash payment in large bills so it can be altered. I can't afford to go get it altered. Though, she told me the dress would be on her, and I kind of feel like she's leaving me in the air regarding that one...I kind of feel like thats a little stab in the heart, but whatever. Maybe I am just reading it wrong....thats what my husband always says. Maybe he's right*.

*doubt it though

I don't even know what to do. I don't even know what to say. Like this situation is somewhat funny to me because I am just sitting here going: "#### what do I do?"

This wedding isn't important to me anymore, whats important is getting ourselves out of here so we can begin our lives together without others sticking their noses in all of the time.

Hmm maybe I just answered my own question right there.

This is one of those thinking aloud posts...can ya tell?

[Chica Yeyé 41]

I need advice. I know I know...I have been so up and down since the day I have arrived here. But I feel like this is important.

As you know my husband and I have an apartment and are planning on moving in two weeks. As some of you may also know, our time in this house with the in-laws haven't always been the greatest and theres been problems with my son and his adult brother as well as his mother pre-misdiagnosing my son as ADHD (ps: he was tested duriing his spring break in Canada and he's OKAY).

It's been unhealthy at times for everyone, I believe that everyone needs their space.

However, here's the catch. If we move we will no longer be able to afford the wedding next month. Nothing...we won't be able to pay for the vendors, we won't have rings...nothing. His parents have paid for the venue and there's literally no turning back but we wont have a lot of the things we need.

My husband thinks its okay to just move and then tell his parents we can't afford it...causing them to have to pick up the pieces. I however, think this is unfair to let them know such things at the last minute.

My question is...

Do we suck it up and wait to move out at the end of june?

Or

Do we just move out because living here is stressing us out way too much?

I mean how do you deal with this situation?

His mom paid for my dress and its at the shop awaiting my cash payment in large bills so it can be altered. I can't afford to go get it altered. Though, she told me the dress would be on her, and I kind of feel like she's leaving me in the air regarding that one...I kind of feel like thats a little stab in the heart, but whatever. Maybe I am just reading it wrong....thats what my husband always says. Maybe he's right*.

*doubt it though

I don't even know what to do. I don't even know what to say. Like this situation is somewhat funny to me because I am just sitting here going: "#### what do I do?"

This wedding isn't important to me anymore, whats important is getting ourselves out of here so we can begin our lives together without others sticking their noses in all of the time.

Hmm maybe I just answered my own question right there.

This is one of those thinking aloud posts...can ya tell?

sister... prioritize, prioritize, prioritize. whatever choice you make will be the best choice for your family. If you do decide to not have a wedding though, i think telling the parents so they can get a refund would be super nice of you.

good luck!

[Cassie 8]

Methinks you have already answered your question.

I'm with Len -- at least give them the head's-up so they could try for a refund if you decide against having the wedding. And there is nothing wrong with a vow renewal ceremony down the road when finances aren't so tight for you (IMHO )

[Sprailenes 47]

see I agree, but my husband is against canceling it. His parents wouldn't cancel it either. The day would go on...but it just go on with pissed off people.

I wish we could cancel it though. I am no longer looking forward to it like I was a few months ago.

[Krikit 1,164]

You are right, Sprailenes. Your husband's plan is most unfair to your in-laws. I'm a tad confused because I thought you had already signed a lease for the apartment and are now committed. If that's the case, there is no way around it. If that's not the case then.....

If it's more important for you to move out, you and he, both, should let his parents know that... due to finances... you will not be going through with the wedding and that you will compensate them for the expenses they have already incurred. If it's important to have the wedding and... as long as there isn't a contract with the venue that it be catered, then you can rally friends and relatives to assist with a potluck-type affair. You can borrow rings or purchase really inexpensive ones. You can bring a CD player and have someone who knows music play DJ. You can bake your own cake. There are many ways to have an inexpensive gathering. It doesn't have to be fancy.

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

I need advice. I know I know...I have been so up and down since the day I have arrived here. But I feel like this is important.

As you know my husband and I have an apartment and are planning on moving in two weeks. As some of you may also know, our time in this house with the in-laws haven't always been the greatest and theres been problems with my son and his adult brother as well as his mother pre-misdiagnosing my son as ADHD (ps: he was tested duriing his spring break in Canada and he's OKAY).

It's been unhealthy at times for everyone, I believe that everyone needs their space.

However, here's the catch. If we move we will no longer be able to afford the wedding next month. Nothing...we won't be able to pay for the vendors, we won't have rings...nothing. His parents have paid for the venue and there's literally no turning back but we wont have a lot of the things we need.

My husband thinks its okay to just move and then tell his parents we can't afford it...causing them to have to pick up the pieces. I however, think this is unfair to let them know such things at the last minute.

My question is...

Do we suck it up and wait to move out at the end of june?

Or

Do we just move out because living here is stressing us out way too much?

I mean how do you deal with this situation?

His mom paid for my dress and its at the shop awaiting my cash payment in large bills so it can be altered. I can't afford to go get it altered. Though, she told me the dress would be on her, and I kind of feel like she's leaving me in the air regarding that one...I kind of feel like thats a little stab in the heart, but whatever. Maybe I am just reading it wrong....thats what my husband always says. Maybe he's right*.

*doubt it though

I don't even know what to do. I don't even know what to say. Like this situation is somewhat funny to me because I am just sitting here going: "#### what do I do?"

This wedding isn't important to me anymore, whats important is getting ourselves out of here so we can begin our lives together without others sticking their noses in all of the time.

Hmm maybe I just answered my own question right there.

This is one of those thinking aloud posts...can ya tell?

Tough call. Loyalty to your son or appeasment of the MIL (believe me, it's her you need to worry about). If you can't stand to be there any longer, then you must leave. If you can hold on for three more months then you should stay. I think if you leave the in-laws with the bills, their "loving son" won't be the bad guy, their good-for-nothing DIL will be. Could your SO have some greater understanding of his parents than you, I can't say, but he sounds like he wants out. Is there any way you can avoid BIL, MIL and FIL for 90 days? What about a surprise wedding? Get everyone together to go to a show and do the wedding then and there. Might lessen the in-laws attachment to a huge, formal nuptial. Just a thought.

[Krikit 1,164]

way you can avoid BIL, MIL and FIL for 90 days? What about a surprise wedding? Get everyone together to go to a show and do the wedding then and there. Might lessen the in-laws attachment to a huge, formal nuptial. Just a thought.

That's a good idea, actually. Friends of my parents invited everyone over for dinner one night. When they arrived they found out it was to attend their wedding. Everyone had a wonderful evening, and they were so excited.

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

way you can avoid BIL, MIL and FIL for 90 days? What about a surprise wedding? Get everyone together to go to a show and do the wedding then and there. Might lessen the in-laws attachment to a huge, formal nuptial. Just a thought.

That's a good idea, actually. Friends of my parents invited everyone over for dinner one night. When they arrived they found out it was to attend their wedding. Everyone had a wonderful evening, and they were so excited.

Thanks, I get one every once in a while. Surprise weddings are always memorable affairs for everyone. If MIL still wants a big ceremony, then it can be done at a later date.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

way you can avoid BIL, MIL and FIL for 90 days? What about a surprise wedding? Get everyone together to go to a show and do the wedding then and there. Might lessen the in-laws attachment to a huge, formal nuptial. Just a thought.

That's a good idea, actually. Friends of my parents invited everyone over for dinner one night. When they arrived they found out it was to attend their wedding. Everyone had a wonderful evening, and they were so excited.

Thanks, I get one every once in a while. Surprise weddings are always memorable affairs for everyone. If MIL still wants a big ceremony, then it can be done at a later date.

Ditto, great idea.

[Sprailenes 47]

There are numerous contracts, his parents have with the venue, everything. They've paid for the tuxedos, their attire, they've had bridal showers. Paid for hotel accommodations etc etc. His father has said if we're having trouble to let him know. I told my husband that telling him at the last minute isn't fair. But my husband isn't much of a communicator.

This family is more about how they look to the outside world, not so much what they are like inside. If the wedding gets canceled its not about how we feel, more about how we'll look.

My husband hasn't been very understanding of the situation unfortunately. He has told me that I am the one causing problems and that his mother isn't this way and stuff like that. It really does break my heart. I want to get along with his mother, but its been going downhill since I got here and we're closing on rock bottom and for the sake of our future relationship, I think its extremely important I get out now.

I want to cancel the wedding...I have mentioned that. He said no because all the gifts people got, and we'd just piss off a whole lot of people. I guess I have bitten off more than I can chew. The lease gets signed this weekend.

I don't think I could stay here another 3 months and be "okay" with it. I think his mother and I are from two very very very different worlds and are two very very very different people.

I try to be really nice about things regarding her. I try to sit on the fence when I speak to him about it. But last week I just told him how I felt and he told me that I am making problems and I'm the one acting insane.

At times I start to wonder if he's right. But with all due respect, she has crossed the line on more than one occasion while we have lived here.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

There are numerous contracts, his parents have with the venue, everything. They've paid for the tuxedos, their attire, they've had bridal showers. Paid for hotel accommodations etc etc. His father has said if we're having trouble to let him know. I told my husband that telling him at the last minute isn't fair. But my husband isn't much of a communicator.

This family is more about how they look to the outside world, not so much what they are like inside. If the wedding gets canceled its not about how we feel, more about how we'll look.

My husband hasn't been very understanding of the situation unfortunately. He has told me that I am the one causing problems and that his mother isn't this way and stuff like that. It really does break my heart. I want to get along with his mother, but its been going downhill since I got here and we're closing on rock bottom and for the sake of our future relationship, I think its extremely important I get out now.

I want to cancel the wedding...I have mentioned that. He said no because all the gifts people got, and we'd just piss off a whole lot of people. I guess I have bitten off more than I can chew. The lease gets signed this weekend.

I don't think I could stay here another 3 months and be "okay" with it. I think his mother and I are from two very very very different worlds and are two very very very different people.

I try to be really nice about things regarding her. I try to sit on the fence when I speak to him about it. But last week I just told him how I felt and he told me that I am making problems and I'm the one acting insane.

At times I start to wonder if he's right. But with all due respect, she has crossed the line on more than one occasion while we have lived here.

Oh sweetie, I really feel for you, since you are in a pretty awful spot

Perhaps it is time for a "family meeting"? I don't know what to tell you... could FIL could be the mediator in this case?

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

There are numerous contracts, his parents have with the venue, everything. They've paid for the tuxedos, their attire, they've had bridal showers. Paid for hotel accommodations etc etc. His father has said if we're having trouble to let him know. I told my husband that telling him at the last minute isn't fair. But my husband isn't much of a communicator.

This family is more about how they look to the outside world, not so much what they are like inside. If the wedding gets canceled its not about how we feel, more about how we'll look.

My husband hasn't been very understanding of the situation unfortunately. He has told me that I am the one causing problems and that his mother isn't this way and stuff like that. It really does break my heart. I want to get along with his mother, but its been going downhill since I got here and we're closing on rock bottom and for the sake of our future relationship, I think its extremely important I get out now.

I want to cancel the wedding...I have mentioned that. He said no because all the gifts people got, and we'd just piss off a whole lot of people. I guess I have bitten off more than I can chew. The lease gets signed this weekend.

I don't think I could stay here another 3 months and be "okay" with it. I think his mother and I are from two very very very different worlds and are two very very very different people.

I try to be really nice about things regarding her. I try to sit on the fence when I speak to him about it. But last week I just told him how I felt and he told me that I am making problems and I'm the one acting insane.

At times I start to wonder if he's right. But with all due respect, she has crossed the line on more than one occasion while we have lived here.

Oh hon....

I'm so so sorry.....

Wish I could hug you

You aren't insane, you have every right to think and feel the way you do...

It's sad that it seems he's having this wedding for his mom and family rather than you...is this even what you want?

[Krikit 1,164]

What about going back home to wait it out in Canada until the wedding? (Bad idea if you're working, of course.)

It looks as if the wedding commitments have progressed to the point of no return. Where it hasn't come to the point of no return is the signing of the lease. Bottom line.... you have previous commitments. If you can't afford the apartment because of prior commitments then you cannot sign the lease. End of story. Derailing the wedding at this point would seriously undermine the already tenuous relationship you have with the inlaws. Which would seriously impact the relationship you share with your husband. If two additional months can alleviate all this, wait for two more months. You will never be able to set things right once you set this in motion.

Another thing to keep in mind.... a lot of people give monetary gifts as wedding presents. You can use these gifts to offset your costs.

[Sprailenes 47]

I don't know anymore. I don't want the wedding anymore. Mostly because I feel like we've let it get to this...I mean come on..a month before the event and we're trying to figure out a way to get out of it because we can't afford it. I want to like his mother. I want his mother to like me. I want everything to just work out you know. But they aren't.

I didn't know it would be this way when I decided to move down here. I thought his parents were alright people. His dad is a good guy, I feel like his dad would be the mediator in this situation. But my husband doesn't seem to be doing anything to let them in on what we know. I mean do I go ahead and talk to the parents? Or do I wait? I don't feel like its my job to push my husband anymore...he's an adult.

I feel like his mom may have some issues with jealousy perhaps...maybe she is upset that I have a better relationship with her son than she does. But she has to understand that she's the mother, and no one can replace her. I don't know if she feels unloved by him or what. Their relationship is kind of slow moving and barely there, but thats not my fault. It was like that before I got here.

I feel like my husband needs a spine is all.

[Sprailenes 47]

What about going back home to wait it out in Canada until the wedding? (Bad idea if you're working, of course.)

It looks as if the wedding commitments have progressed to the point of no return. Where it hasn't come to the point of no return is the signing of the lease. Bottom line.... you have previous commitments. If you can't afford the apartment because of prior commitments then you cannot sign the lease. End of story. Derailing the wedding at this point would seriously undermine the already tenuous relationship you have with the inlaws. Which would seriously impact the relationship you share with your husband. If two additional months can alleviate all this, wait for two more months. You will never be able to set things right once you set this in motion.

Another thing to keep in mind.... a lot of people give monetary gifts as wedding presents. You can use these gifts to offset your costs.

Its to the point of no return. Thats the problem.

Derailing the wedding would make people hate me. Do I please the masses or just myself? Thats a great question. I have to think about that.

I have never been in a family where you don't speak your mind and get over issues as they arise. This family, they either just keep everything inside or let it roll off their backs. Because people complain but nothing ever changes. Its like we're all content sitting in our sh!t.

All I know is that when you get things off of your chest its easier to move on.

Edited April 7, 2008 by Sprailenes