speaking of breakups...

[MelindaandTarek 0]

Sereia,

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I believe that you need to do what feels right for you regardless of anyone else, including your family.

The decision has to be yours and not your parents or friends, etc. Life is precious and too short....I suggest you follow your heart and if you want to be with Abdou....then be w/him....If your parents come around, great they have an opportunity to be an extended part of you and ur new husband's family...If not, then that is their choice, and their loss...you cant live your life to please others that's for sure......trust your instincts............

good luck,

Melinda

[MelindaandTarek 0]

Sereia,

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I believe that you need to do what feels right for you regardless of anyone else, including your family.

The decision has to be yours and not your parents or friends, etc. Life is precious and too short....I suggest you follow your heart and if you want to be with Abdou....then be w/him....If your parents come around, great they have an opportunity to be an extended part of you and ur new husband's family...If not, then that is their choice, and their loss...you cant live your life to please others that's for sure......trust your instincts............

good luck,

Melinda

[MelindaandTarek 0]

Sereia,

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I believe that you need to do what feels right for you regardless of anyone else, including your family.

The decision has to be yours and not your parents or friends, etc. Life is precious and too short....I suggest you follow your heart and if you want to be with Abdou....then be w/him....If your parents come around, great they have an opportunity to be an extended part of you and ur new husband's family...If not, then that is their choice, and their loss...you cant live your life to please others that's for sure......trust your instincts............

good luck,

Melinda

triple post sorry - - computer froze?!

Edited October 18, 2007 by MelindaandTarek

[Sofiyya 1,687]

That girl that died in Morocco last year- was that your now fiance's fiancee or wife?

Who is it that tries to convince everyone that I make this stuff up?

Jen, honey, I can't say I'm surprised that your mom and family are putting the pinch on you and Abdou. I'm gonna tell you straight out, coz I know no other way, DON'T LET THEM. What kind of resentment will you have if you allow them to break you away from the man you love and he from you? And what kind of adult will you be allowing them to manipulate and control you.

My family has some money and some of them tried hard to manipulate me from marrying a Christian when I was 18. I did it anyway, best thing I ever did! I not only set them straight about the boundaries between them, I let them know that if they wanted to be part of my life, they had to do it fairly and not with malice. We weren't going to live that way.

You can fold, or you can stand up for yourself. If your family is wise, and trusts that they raised you well, they will come around. If they are more intent on being right than being fair, they will stay away. We "threw" our children out of the nest because we raised them to be self-sufficient adults. If your family raised you to be dependent and weak, they will soon find out if that's what they got, and you will be the one that lets them know.

Best to you both!

Edited October 18, 2007 by Green-eyed girl

[~*Dorothy*~ 2]

Jen, honey, I can't say I'm surprised that your mom and family are putting the pinch on you and Abdou. I'm gonna tell you straight out, coz I know no other way, DON'T LET THEM. What kind of resentment will you have if you allow them to break you away from the man you love and he from you? And what kind of adult will you be allowing them to manipulate and control you.

(...)

You can fold, or you can stand up for yourself. If your family is wise, and trusts that they raised you well, they will come around. If they are more intent on being right than being fair, they will stay away. We "threw" our children out of the nest because we raised them to be self-sufficient adults. If your family raised you to be dependent and weak, they will soon find out if that's what they got, and you will be the one that lets them know.

Best to you both!

I think that you are making a very good point and I couldn't say it any better. Thank you!

D.

[aj1 1]

I am sorry that this is happening to you but i agree with the others. if i learned one thing in my life it is that you have to be happy for yourself it doesn't matter what people think. You have to do what makes you happy because if the situation was reversed i think that they would do what was best for them. You will be in my prayers and no matter what i know you will make the right decision.

AJ1

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

[brnidokiegurl 0]

hey sorry to hear all the problems, maybe look at it from another view point, he gave up everything he knew to take the chance with you i would take that stand with him, marry live here where ever you both choose and have the life you had planned.

[mybackpages 0]

Oh jen, I am sooo sorry. What did you end up doing? I have no good words of advice for you.

In general I will say that I have mentioned this over and over again on this formum- the importantce of family in a MENA relationship - on both sides. I know someone whose mother-in-law is adding a complication to the adjustment process. It's so much easier when both families are are board with the couple's decision. It doesnt mean the marriage can;t work, it just makes it so much easier. I know everyone likes to speak of love love love, but love isnt enough and love is nto the only factor that goes into making a marriage work.

[~Jackie~ 30]

Jen I hope today is better for you. You have alot of friends and support here.

Jackie

did I really see a tiara on the previous page?

[Imua 0]

Oh jen, I am sooo sorry. What did you end up doing? I have no good words of advice for you.

In general I will say that I have mentioned this over and over again on this formum- the importantce of family in a MENA relationship - on both sides. I know someone whose mother-in-law is adding a complication to the adjustment process. It's so much easier when both families are are board with the couple's decision. It doesnt mean the marriage can;t work, it just makes it so much easier. I know everyone likes to speak of love love love, but love isnt enough and love is nto the only factor that goes into making a marriage work.

Yes - what her family is doing reminds me of what my (also Nepali Hindu)ex's family did - his mom went totally psycho when she found out he wanted to marry me, threatened suicide, took my ex's passport and hid it in a locked room, put sleeping pills in his food so he would stay at home under her control... Both she and his dad would not even eat in the same room as me since I was 'casteless'. I can only imagine how the situation would have been if we had married, how horrible he would feel to be in a strange new country without his family a phone call or email away when times get rough.

What a difference it is with G's family, though they both come from high-caste Hindu backgrounds - from the beginning I felt 100% accepted by his family and I talk with them on the phone all the time, also chat with my SIL.

If your family is only using the issue of inheritance and not actually kicking you out of the house or threatening violence(against you, fiance or themselves), then if I were in that situation it would be difficult(since I just gave my ex's example of how family is important) but I would follow my heart and marry my love, especially since he has come so far and you both have been through so much. Maybe even go to Morocco, see if you can possibly even get a job teaching English or something like that - this is G and my plan B if our visa is denied. Hopefully like others said in time your family will come around - good luck...

[sereia 0]

wow...thanks to everyone for all the warm support and great advice! i thought long and hard about it after i posted (and after a fight with my mom, brother, and sis-in-law), and we decided to get married anyway! it was a sad day full of crying and runny makeup. i never imagined my wedding day would be like that. i never imagined we'd be going to the courthouse alone and the only one congratulating us was the people who performed the ceremony. but we did it, and we can have a real wedding down the line someday and i hope people will be with us to celebrate our love.

abdou really wanted to return to morocco to be in the comforts of a family who accepted him, not because he wanted to leave me. we chatted with his family on webcam and they welcomed us back with their open arms. it really touched me and made me cry. i wish my family would be so accepting like that! my family just talks behind my back and then threatens me with money the day of our wedding. i really believe my family will eventually come around. maybe i'm fooling myself? but definitely not until we've been married, he has his green card, and he is settled in a better career.

and we must move out. and asap. my mom is manipulative and destructive to our lives. yesterday she called me while we were on our way to the wedding and she congratulated us and said "god bless you"! huh?! then this morning i walk by her whispering on the phone to god knows who about our wedding. she is always stirring up the pot...............from now on i'm not going to share my feelings with her and we'll move out and live our lives together. i think going back to nyc might be the best option for now. no cars/licenses needed, i have a support system of friends, and jobs are easy to come by. who knows why i ever left!!! i won't let her manipulate me again into easy living. easy on the pocket, not easy on our hearts. i wanted to move back to california so i could be close to them if my parents got sick, to be there for my nephew, and share quality time together not on the phone. but i guess that can't happen right now. *sigh*

thanks again to all that responded. you don't know how much i appreciate your advice!

we're married!!!!!!!!!!!

[myfellah 0]

I do hope you decided to go ahead with your wedding. You are making a life with your fiance not with your family. I know life can be hard but if you two work together, you can make your own way and not be in debt to your family. It may be hard but probably worth it. You have to know that your family may come around but be ready to accept it if they don't. I would think it would be very difficult to be living in a home where possibly both of you feel uncomfortable especially your fiance. He may speak of returning to Morocco because he needs to know he has you here to count on. If not, he is totally on his own. That would have to be a very lonely feeling. My parents are no longer with me but I feel they would have loved my husband. My two sisters and brother decided even before he arrived that he would be a terrible person and treat me horribly. They never gave him a chance because they feel they know more than he or I do. Well, it's been almost 2 1/2 years since he arrived and we married and they haven't come around and I don't expect them to. I went into our marriage with this in mind but having my husband here has been a wonderful experience and a wonderful life to share. I would have missed more than I could imagine had I let my family influence me. I have a grown daughter who is totally supportive of our marriage and a big part of our lives. I only say all this to hope you do decide to marry, move out on your own, begin your life as a married couple and if your family does turn around, good and if not, you'll build a life you'll love. Unfortunately many marriages end all over the world, and most not because of a green card.

Good Luck

Doreen

[myfellah 0]

I see you just posted as I was making my post.

CONGRATULATIONS

Doreen

[hollyw 0]

Good for you!!!!!! and Congratulations!!