speaking of breakups...

[sereia 0]

this is really hard to say. i haven't been around VJ much since abdou's arrival because we've had a lot more problems than i expected (with my family)

unfortunately, i lost my job in new york right before abdou arrived in america. i made the STUPID decision to move back to california to live with my mom who has a big house all to herself. she welcomed us and said we could stay with her rent free to help us get on our feet as a married couple. i think maybe this was all her game to get us in her home and destroy our relationship.

we've struggled and struggled the past three months my fiance has been here in america. he's had a hard time adjusting to our culture, language, people, etc. but he's drastically improved! two weeks ago he was even hired at a good company. a very good start to being in america. we've finally started settling in together, building our love stronger, and decided to get married today. she explained that if we got married, she wouldn't support our decision. my brother called and said my entire family has gotten together and all think i am crazy if i marry him. why am i crazy for marrying someone who so obviously and intensely loves me? because he's a poor moroccan muslim? my own father was a broke immigrant when he got here at 19 years of age! they think i am being used for a green card (my brother said he would bet "a million dollars" that abdou was using me and will leave within a few years) how can they possibly even know the intimacy we have behind closed doors? they threaten to cut me from wills, gifts, and any ploys with money they have to get me to stop. that if i marry him, that i will suffer great consequences. (whatever that means?)they all say they do it out of love....they are helping me. but how is taking my love away from me helping me? is money more important than companionship? i grew up thinking it was....seeing my parents in a big house with an empty heart. but i don't want that life!

now abdou wants to go back to morocco, without me. how is that for being used? my family has completely broken our relationship. made our wedding day a disaster....and our decision even more difficult.

do i let him leave me and start all over? do i let the one love of my life go back to morocco while i suffer here alone?

or do we get married today and leave this house....leave my family..and risk losing my relationship with them forever? he really thinks i can't handle surviving in morocco with him. he is concerned for me. i want to go... but this visa! we spent so much time and anguish over this !@#$% k-1 visa to get him here...with success! and to give it all up because of my family? my friends think i should move to morocco with him, get to know him more, go to more schooling, prove to my family we've taken more time to get to know each other, prove to them he isn't u sing me for a visa, then reapply for a marriage visa in the future. is that even possible? to REAPPLY for a k-3/cr-1 visa in a year or two? would they approve us? how could i even have the affidavit of support if i live in morocco for 1-3 years?! all these questions are swirling in my brain and i don't know how to make a decision. breaking up is hard to do................................

Edited October 17, 2007 by sereia

[♥JP♥ 5]

I'm so sorry. If your family can't be supportive then you need to put them on the back burner for now. They will come around eventually. Right now they are just making every possible threat to get their way. Don't back down and don't give in.

[sarah and hicham 3]

Jen I am so sorry to hear this! I had no idea you were having so much trouble with your family. I can't imagine having to choose between your family and your fiance. I really don't know what to tell you- I don't even know what I would do in that situation exactly. I wonder if they will warm up to you two being married as time goes on. Can you guys rent an apartment in CA? Abdou must feel terrible knowing that you have an ultimatum. Good luck.

[Caladan 19]

Oh, sweetheart. I have no answer about the relationship worries (except to say that people move back from overseas and file for their spouses all the time; they just show that they're currently employed. previous filings are okay, too, if you have a reason like moving there and then moving back) But what's changed? Had they supported you before and changed their minds?

[MrsAmera 41]

Jen - I'm so sorry to hear things are turning bumpy again - PM me so that we can chat sometime. I'll add you to a messenger or give me a phone call if you want.

[ya falaha! 0]

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

this is really hard to say. i haven't been around VJ much since abdou's arrival because we've had a lot more problems than i expected (with my family)

unfortunately, i lost my job in new york right before abdou arrived in america. i made the STUPID decision to move back to california to live with my mom who has a big house all to herself. she welcomed us and said we could stay with her rent free to help us get on our feet as a married couple. i think maybe this was all her game to get us in her home and destroy our relationship.

we've struggled and struggled the past three months my fiance has been here in america. he's had a hard time adjusting to our culture, language, people, etc. but he's drastically improved! two weeks ago he was even hired at a good company. a very good start to being in america. we've finally started settling in together, building our love stronger, and decided to get married today. she explained that if we got married, she wouldn't support our decision. my brother called and said my entire family has gotten together and all think i am crazy if i marry him. why am i crazy for marrying someone who so obviously and intensely loves me? because he's a poor moroccan muslim? my own father was a broke immigrant when he got here at 19 years of age! they think i am being used for a green card (my brother said he would bet "a million dollars" that abdou was using me and will leave within a few years) how can they possibly even know the intimacy we have behind closed doors? they threaten to cut me from wills, gifts, and any ploys with money they have to get me to stop. that if i marry him, that i will suffer great consequences. (whatever that means?)they all say they do it out of love....they are helping me. but how is taking my love away from me helping me? is money more important than companionship? i grew up thinking it was....seeing my parents in a big house with an empty heart. but i don't want that life!

now abdou wants to go back to morocco, without me. how is that for being used? my family has completely broken our relationship. made our wedding day a disaster....and our decision even more difficult.

do i let him leave me and start all over? do i let the one love of my life go back to morocco while i suffer here alone?

or do we get married today and leave this house....leave my family..and risk losing my relationship with them forever? he really thinks i can't handle surviving in morocco with him. he is concerned for me. i want to go... but this visa! we spent so much time and anguish over this !@#$% k-1 visa to get him here...with success! and to give it all up because of my family? my friends think i should move to morocco with him, get to know him more, go to more schooling, prove to my family we've taken more time to get to know each other, prove to them he isn't u sing me for a visa, then reapply for a marriage visa in the future. is that even possible? to REAPPLY for a k-3/cr-1 visa in a year or two? would they approve us? how could i even have the affidavit of support if i live in morocco for 1-3 years?! all these questions are swirling in my brain and i don't know how to make a decision. breaking up is hard to do................................

Ok

Marry him and move out. Your family will eventually come around. Do not lose the love of your life and do not pay attention to other people. If you lose him you will regret it forever and will never forgive yourself. Do not let go. Tell your mom and dad that you love him and that you love them too and you will make things work with him. You will see that people eventually come around. They do not want to lose you. I am from a well to do family who blackmailed me with money alot of my life and finally I figured out that if you want to have your own life , you have to fight for your dreams. Do not do this to your poor guy. He had all these dreams and hopes. Can you imagine how he is feeling right now so far from home trying to build a life with you and your family is acting like jackasses? GEES

[JODO 2]

I think sometimes in ME/NA some of us forget the importance of the family being supportive of the relationship is substantial and flows both ways from not only the ME/NA family,but also the American one. Jen you are between a rock and a hard place and I cannot imagine having to make that choice. I do not know if your fiancé has made the choice for you though since he says he wants to go back to Morocco. I do think though that with adequate savings and his family's support, you two could likely make it abroad and you can always reapply for another visa down the road.

Good Luck either way

[sara535 15]

well I certainly dont have any magic words of advice except to say I am so sorry its going like this for you. I think what your family is doing sucks and is absolutely being done to control you, not love you. take care and hang in there.

[chris4336 3]

Hey,

I don't have much advice but I was in the same situation as you this summer. My family (with whom I was very close) completely cut me off for a few months. The guilt really got to me. They have started to come around, very slowly, but the family dynamics are different now. I believe your parents will come around, but it will take some time, and you are in for some rough times until they do.

I would really try to work things out between you and him. I love my family to death, but like you said, I don't want the same life as they had. It is hard but sometimes you have to really do what is best for you. I really believe that one day they will come around.

You can PM me if you want, I wish the best of luck to both of you.

Christina

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

this is really hard to say. i haven't been around VJ much since abdou's arrival because we've had a lot more problems than i expected (with my family)

unfortunately, i lost my job in new york right before abdou arrived in america. i made the STUPID decision to move back to california to live with my mom who has a big house all to herself. she welcomed us and said we could stay with her rent free to help us get on our feet as a married couple. i think maybe this was all her game to get us in her home and destroy our relationship.

we've struggled and struggled the past three months my fiance has been here in america. he's had a hard time adjusting to our culture, language, people, etc. but he's drastically improved! two weeks ago he was even hired at a good company. a very good start to being in america. we've finally started settling in together, building our love stronger, and decided to get married today. she explained that if we got married, she wouldn't support our decision. my brother called and said my entire family has gotten together and all think i am crazy if i marry him. why am i crazy for marrying someone who so obviously and intensely loves me? because he's a poor moroccan muslim? my own father was a broke immigrant when he got here at 19 years of age! they think i am being used for a green card (my brother said he would bet "a million dollars" that abdou was using me and will leave within a few years) how can they possibly even know the intimacy we have behind closed doors? they threaten to cut me from wills, gifts, and any ploys with money they have to get me to stop. that if i marry him, that i will suffer great consequences. (whatever that means?)they all say they do it out of love....they are helping me. but how is taking my love away from me helping me? is money more important than companionship? i grew up thinking it was....seeing my parents in a big house with an empty heart. but i don't want that life!

now abdou wants to go back to morocco, without me. how is that for being used? my family has completely broken our relationship. made our wedding day a disaster....and our decision even more difficult.

do i let him leave me and start all over? do i let the one love of my life go back to morocco while i suffer here alone?

or do we get married today and leave this house....leave my family..and risk losing my relationship with them forever? he really thinks i can't handle surviving in morocco with him. he is concerned for me. i want to go... but this visa! we spent so much time and anguish over this !@#$% k-1 visa to get him here...with success! and to give it all up because of my family? my friends think i should move to morocco with him, get to know him more, go to more schooling, prove to my family we've taken more time to get to know each other, prove to them he isn't u sing me for a visa, then reapply for a marriage visa in the future. is that even possible? to REAPPLY for a k-3/cr-1 visa in a year or two? would they approve us? how could i even have the affidavit of support if i live in morocco for 1-3 years?! all these questions are swirling in my brain and i don't know how to make a decision. breaking up is hard to do................................

Oh wow, Jen. That is terrible -- the pressure they are putting on you is horribly unfair. It was so manipulative for your family to invite you two to come live with them, and then pull this act.

I don't know what to tell you -- this is something you have to decide for yourself. I will say if it was me, I wouldn't want to live under their roof for another second -- I would never allow my family to treat my husband so disrespectfully. I know it's killing you, and I can only imagine how your fiance feels.

Only you can make the decision on what's right for you. So sorry to hear you're having to deal with a situation like this...

-MK

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

Follow your heart

[Ban Hammer 13,283]

well I certainly dont have any magic words of advice except to say I am so sorry its going like this for you. I think what your family is doing sucks and is absolutely being done to control you, not love you. take care and hang in there.

agreed. i'd be quite peeved if my family tried this ####### on me

[doodlebug 3]

I'm sorry Jen. I cut off my parents from all communication for a little while and only recently have they started to come around, though I have a feeling it's because I have the only grandchildren and not because they miss me.

If I were to do everything my parents want me to do I'd be so effin' miserable. I say move out and live your own life together. You both have good jobs you can make it. I know it's tough to give up the inheritance, financial support but you know what? It's the most freeing thing I've ever done. No more holding loans over my head to manipulate me, etc.

[morocco4ever 63]

I really hate it when someone offers me an ultimatum and claims it is out of love. BS!!! Love would be that they should voice their concerns then back off and let you decide. Then they support your decisions. If by chance they are right then there is no need to say "I told you so", but rather "We are here for you". I don't know your SO, but my best guess is that he feels like he is breaking up your family, he is depressed because he doesn't know where to turn, and he thinks he is saving everyone by backing off. Unless he comes from a wealthy family in Morocco he is probably right that you can't make it there...how would you feed yourself?

I know that none of us can really tell you what to do, this has to be decided by you because only you know everyone involved. If it were me I would tell my family "Thank you for your concern, but they have chosen to push you out of their lives, and you will oblige". I would then tell your SO that you love him, you want him to stay and work it out, but if he choses to go back you will support him 100%. Then work on getting yourself in the best possible situation to be self supportive. If no one has this much power over you then they will never be able to intimidate you again.

Hugs to you.

"