About Men...

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name

stays the same forever. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans

take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can

be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white

T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. If it

itches, you can scratch it. You never have to drive to another gas

station restroom because this one is too icky. You don't have to

stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work,

more pay. Wrinkles add to your character. Wedding dress-$5000. Tux

rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking

to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically

expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One

mood all the time. If you forget what you want at the store, you

can just get it next trip. Phone conversations are over in 30

seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation

requires only one suitcase. You never have to ask directions. You

can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest

act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she

can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a

three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough to cover any

occasion. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are

unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face

stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe

decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play

with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes in one color for all seasons. You

can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your

nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning

growing a mustache. Many think bald is beautiful. You can do

Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[JeanneVictoria 55]

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

Stun gun ...... ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS. Too funny...

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket

Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking

for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were

suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO

COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two

triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

ZAP ! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the

button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get

the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn

spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I

really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I

must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)

and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going

to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did

want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst

would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was

supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a

three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the

ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds

would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,

less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with

two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible

way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my

best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst

from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I

touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and

HOLY MOTHER! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me

up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and

over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal

position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,

testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in

the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over

me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,

undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one

note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you

zap yourself.

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand

by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three second burst would be considered conservative.

MAN!.. that hurt like heck!!! A minute or so later (I can't be

sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits

(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did

they up get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip

weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward

for their safe return.

Still in shock

Disclaimer - February 22, 2006

[Jasman0717 9]

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28,

38, 48, 58. 68, and 78?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take

her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???

GOD BLESS

[Jamaica to CT 0]

Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name

stays the same forever. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans

take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can

be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white

T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. If it

itches, you can scratch it. You never have to drive to another gas

station restroom because this one is too icky. You don't have to

stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work,

more pay. Wrinkles add to your character. Wedding dress-$5000. Tux

rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking

to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically

expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One

mood all the time. If you forget what you want at the store, you

can just get it next trip. Phone conversations are over in 30

seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation

requires only one suitcase. You never have to ask directions. You

can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest

act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she

can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a

three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough to cover any

occasion. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are

unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face

stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe

decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play

with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes in one color for all seasons. You

can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your

nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning

growing a mustache. Many think bald is beautiful. You can do

Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[maggieNomar 0]

You are on quite a roll!!

Thanks for the laughs.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I am laughing so hard I'm crying! That taser story is a barrel of laughs! Oh oh oh....

[polarbear 0]

Oh wow, I read those at work and it is so hard to not collapse on my desk giggling.... I think my boss would look at me a little strangly.

I also work with glass windows facing a very busy kitchen, so come to think of it, I did get quite a few odd looks and it's quite apparent I'm not being productive

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

laughing is great!

[Ban Hammer 13,343]

Why men die first

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race - you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework - you're a wuss

If you work too hard - there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough - you're a good-for-nothing lazy jerk.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay - this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay - you should get off your lazy azz and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her - that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you - it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks - it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet - it's male indifference.

If you cry - you're a wimp.

If you don't - you're an insensitive jerk.

If you make a decision without consulting her - you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you - she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy - that's domination.

If SHE asks you - it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear - you're a pervert.

If you don't - you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape - you're sexist.

If you don't - you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape - you're vain.

If you don't - you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers - you're after something.

If you don't - you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements - you're full of chit.

If you're not - you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache - she's tired.

If you have a headache - you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often - you're oversexed.

If you don't - there must be someone else.

Men die first because they want to.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

To all of you:

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.Oh, and don't forget this one either!

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next

70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at

5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

--------------------------------------------------------------------

New Study :

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

[Ban Hammer 13,343]

WORDS WOMEN USE

(aka How to Speak Woman)

The following are definitions for words women use when replying to

their man.

"Fine"

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are

right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a

woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"Five Minutes"

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your

football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even

trade.

"Nothing"

This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is

usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you

inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an

oncoming argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end up with

the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over

"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You

will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by

"Nothing" and "Fine" and then she will talk to you in about "Five

Minutes" when she cools off.

"Loud Sigh"

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often

misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot

at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here

and arguing with you over "Nothing".

"Soft Sigh"

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "soft Sighs" means that

she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay

content.

"That's Okay"

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a

man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before

paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay"

is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a Raised

Eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you are going to be

in some mighty big trouble.

"Please Do"

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the

chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it

is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be

careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

"Thanks"

A woman is thanking you. Don't faint. Just say, "You're welcome."

"Thanks A Lot"

This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot"

when she is really ticked off at you. It signified that you have

offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by a "Loud Sigh". Be

careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only

tell you "Nothing".

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

Facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days

you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one

cup of

coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

________________________________

If you tooted consistently for 6 years and 9

months, enough gas is produced to create the

energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

________________________________

The human heart creates enough pressure when it

pumps out to the body

to

squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

________________________________

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

________________________________

A cockroach will live nine days without its head

before it starves to

death.

(Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

________________________________

Banging your head against a wall uses 150

calories a hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

________________________________

The male praying mantis cannot copulate

while its head is attached to

its body. The female initiates sex by

ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")

________________________________

The flea can jump 350 times its body length.

It's like a human jumping the

length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

________________________________

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the

bottom of a pond?)

________________________________

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next

life...quality over

quantity)

________________________________

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

________________________________

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)

________________________________

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years

longer than

left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the

difference?)

________________________________

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)

________________________________

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

________________________________

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

________________________________

Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)

________________________________

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

________________________________

Humans and dolphins are the only species that

have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

For ALL you Georgia Guys & Gals like me...

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED LIVING IN GEORGIA:

1. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in GEORGIA.

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in GEORGIA plus a

couple no one's seen before

4. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

5. Onced and twiced are words.

6. It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

7. Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.

8. People actually grow and eat okra.

9. Fixinto is one word.

10. There is no such thing as "lunch". There is only dinner and then

there is supper.

11. Ice tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it

when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

12. Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

13. DJeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

14. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what

time it is. You work until you' re done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM GEORGIA IF:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store "

4. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,

vegetable,grain, insect or animal.

5. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave

both unlocked.

6. You know what a "DAWG" is.

7. You carry jumper cables in your car...for your OWN car.

8. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

9. The local papers cover national and international news on one page

but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

10. You think that the first day of deer season is a national

holiday..

11. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm".

12. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer

and Christmas.

13. You know whether another Georgian is from Atlanta, north or

south as soon as they open their mouth.

14 . Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as"goin'

Wal-martin"or off to "Wally World" - too bad i work/live there for 7yrs now

15. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good

pinto-bean weather.

16. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop...it's a Coke,

regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you

want?"

17. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

18. We don't need no stinking driver's ed....if our mama says we can

drive, we can drive.

19. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from

Georgia (and those who just wish they were). Not EVERYONE can be a

Georgian, it's an art form and a gift from God!