Yallah Middle East 2.0

[kerewin21 2]

One issue I've been struggling with is intonation while "discussing" something. For me, I subconciously listen for verbal cues to indicate how a person feels. One thing I noticed while in Egypt was that a lot of people seemed to be arguing (I think JP mentioned something about this ealier), but that it was just how they normally speak.

So, when my husband and I discuss something, he sounds agitated, I get agitated and the whole thing explodes. I'm working on remaining calm and not reacting and elevating the situation into a fight. I've mentioned this to him, that he sounds upset, and he'll be suprised and say he's not. So, we're both aware of the situation and inshaAllah we'll work on it.

I've DEFINITELY noticed this; sometimes I think my husband is mad at me, and he's just talking like he would if he were speaking arabic. When I remind him of this, he laughs and totally calms down. I've noticed that he's like a different person when he's speaking arabic to his friends versus speaking french with them.

I know a lot of the time I'd see people "arguing" in the street and I'd ask my husband why they were arguing, and usually they weren't arguing, just having a heated discussion! But I get really anxious when people around me are fighting, so I have to try to block it out.

[portsaid 0]

Dear JessnGeorges,

It made me very sad to read your post. I don't have any advise for you, but I do hope things get better. You should log onto VJ for hugs instead of going to sleep with a heavy heart.

[cbd2cai 0]

I know a lot of the time I'd see people "arguing" in the street and I'd ask my husband why they were arguing, and usually they weren't arguing, just having a heated discussion! But I get really anxious when people around me are fighting, so I have to try to block it out.

I have the same experiences . . . and I hope I get used to it. I am big at avoiding conflicts because of the fights my dad and brothers used to have. So men yelling really bothers me . . . .

Catherine

[Together4ever 1]

i wish fighting for us was an easy subject...................when we fight and this has been the whole yr and half we've been together, he will not talk to me for hours..........i used to pester him and pester him to make me talk and that makes him madder soooo lately i have just decided f**K it i will leave him be until he decides to act like an adult again and speak to me......i know some dont think it is healthy but my last marriage was all about arguing and usually i would get my a$$ beat so i am kind of timid when it comes to that because tho i know George wouldnt hurt me intentionally i know he has a temper and dont want it directed at me............i hate when we fight especially at night and we go to sleep not talking, that is the hardest for me because i dont like to sleep with a heavy heart.......................................speaking of fighting we are now...pretty much what we fight about these days is my lack of understanding Arabic and understanding his family ways, i dnt like to sit in a house with people and listen to bullcrap for hours, i dont like to go visit people every day.....i like to stay home, spend time with him alone, hang out by myself, go for rides with no purpose of stopping to see someone.................he just doesnt understand that, neither does his family so we end up fighting and he gets mad at me, and i just start cryin like a baby....................ahh well guess another night i go to sleep alone and sad..........

I kind of went through some of these feelings living with Mohammed's family in Egypt. I was a very solitairy person before that so being surrounded by all these people all the time was difficult to adjust to. Mohammed was very good about exacting a balance. He knows me too well and that I am a quiet person and I need quiet time. He enjoyed quiet time with me a lot, but of course there is the responsibility to the family.

One thing that might help you recharge your batteries sometimes is for the 2 of you to take a day trip together to another place away from the family. We used to go to Alexandria and spend the day at the sea and forget about that hub bub for awhile. Is there some place you 2 can make "your special place" where you can go to share just being a couple? It doesn't have to be anything spectacular. We were dirt poor so packed water and sandwiches, took the bus, and did things that didn't really cost anything. The point was just to be together and relaxed. Heck, even the bus rides were special!

I do feel your frustration and despair. I had been in those shoes a few times. The adjustment is overwhelming at times. I hope you can find a little peace.

[kerewin21 2]

One thing that might help you recharge your batteries sometimes is for the 2 of you to take a day trip together to another place away from the family. We used to go to Alexandria and spend the day at the sea and forget about that hub bub for awhile. Is there some place you 2 can make "your special place" where you can go to share just being a couple? It doesn't have to be anything spectacular. We were dirt poor so packed water and sandwiches, took the bus, and did things that didn't really cost anything. The point was just to be together and relaxed. Heck, even the bus rides were special!

I think this is really good advice, trying to go out for "dates" together. It was definitely my sanity saver when I was in Morocco. We also had no money for a while there so we'd walk a few miles to the cafe and each get black coffee because it was cheapest It's a good point to remember that you don't need money to "go out"

[iceyspots 0]

i wish fighting for us was an easy subject...................when we fight and this has been the whole yr and half we've been together, he will not talk to me for hours..........i used to pester him and pester him to make me talk and that makes him madder soooo lately i have just decided f**K it i will leave him be until he decides to act like an adult again and speak to me......i know some dont think it is healthy but my last marriage was all about arguing and usually i would get my a$$ beat so i am kind of timid when it comes to that because tho i know George wouldnt hurt me intentionally i know he has a temper and dont want it directed at me............i hate when we fight especially at night and we go to sleep not talking, that is the hardest for me because i dont like to sleep with a heavy heart.......................................speaking of fighting we are now...pretty much what we fight about these days is my lack of understanding Arabic and understanding his family ways, i dnt like to sit in a house with people and listen to bullcrap for hours, i dont like to go visit people every day.....i like to stay home, spend time with him alone, hang out by myself, go for rides with no purpose of stopping to see someone.................he just doesnt understand that, neither does his family so we end up fighting and he gets mad at me, and i just start cryin like a baby....................ahh well guess another night i go to sleep alone and sad..........

Sorry to hear about your guys' fighting... Arab culture in general is a very group oriented and community culture. Personal space is very limited... it's just different to come to America ... they can't believe how individualistic we are! ... but hey that's just us.. families are very very close there... old folks usually never end up going in to homes, they are a family responsibility... lots of different things mixed up into one... hope everything works out for you

[Veiled Princess 1]

It doesn't have to be anything spectacular. We were dirt poor so packed water and sandwiches, took the bus, and did things that didn't really cost anything. The point was just to be together and relaxed. Heck, even the bus rides were special!

I think the things that don't cost anything to do together usually end up being the BEST dates! Yousuf and I used to go out walking after sun went down in Cairo and we had the best times just walking and talking for hours!

JessNGeorge, I'm sorry you're having problems. I think the other girls have given really good advice and I really don't have anything more to offer. I pray things get better for you!

[jordanianprincess 0]

i wish fighting for us was an easy subject...................when we fight and this has been the whole yr and half we've been together, he will not talk to me for hours..........i used to pester him and pester him to make me talk and that makes him madder soooo lately i have just decided f**K it i will leave him be until he decides to act like an adult again and speak to me......i know some dont think it is healthy but my last marriage was all about arguing and usually i would get my a$$ beat so i am kind of timid when it comes to that because tho i know George wouldnt hurt me intentionally i know he has a temper and dont want it directed at me............i hate when we fight especially at night and we go to sleep not talking, that is the hardest for me because i dont like to sleep with a heavy heart.......................................speaking of fighting we are now...pretty much what we fight about these days is my lack of understanding Arabic and understanding his family ways, i dnt like to sit in a house with people and listen to bullcrap for hours, i dont like to go visit people every day.....i like to stay home, spend time with him alone, hang out by myself, go for rides with no purpose of stopping to see someone.................he just doesnt understand that, neither does his family so we end up fighting and he gets mad at me, and i just start cryin like a baby....................ahh well guess another night i go to sleep alone and sad..........

Wow I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope things do get better. I'm gonna say the C-word...compromise. I should take my own advice .

I was in a very similar situation with my ex, except I was on the opposite end and it eventually led to the demise of our relationship. I will share my experiance with you that may go in line with his point of view but is in no way any kind of defense.

When i was married, I always felt like I was between a rock and a hard spot. How could I please my family and my husband at the same time? He never understood our traditions or ways. Just like the things you mentioned, family visits, talking for hours, etc. these things he could not understand, but for me and my family it was a way of life. People don't call before they come over, they just show up. When you cook, you cook enough for 10 poeple incase someone shows up for a visit and they are hungry. When a holiday comes around, its non-stop visits to everyones house and they will turn around and do the same thing and visit your house. I could never explain to him why we do these things, I never even questioned it myself. We just do it. He could not and would not accept this. I was actually the one crying though because it was frustrating to me that he could not try to understand, wait let use a different word, not understand but accept my culture. I hated bickering with him about it and I hated fighting with my parents about it.

I didnt know what to do. What I did do is pull myself away from everything and everyone I knew. I would make excuses that I was sick or out of town so I would not have to deal with the situation anymore. It had been almost 4 years and he had not budged one bit. Finally in the end and among many other contibuting factors I decided I could no longer live that life and would not want to have kids with this man.

It was really hard for me to tell my parents that my husband does not want to go. They grew up in the middle east and that concept is sooooo foriegn to them.

I hope this was helpful to you and I hope things do get better. I know arab culture is hard to understand, there is alot of it I still dont get myself.

[AInfante-Saraireh 0]

Hey everyone. I'm ok, sort of. It's been hard because Faisal's hours shift so and he cant' come online regularly. I'm having financial problems with the last trip to Jordan and them moving a month and a half after I returned. It's just that my husband never has enough money to help me because he doesn't get paid that much. He did send me money last month and I am so grateful to hm for doing that, I know that took a lot. Not afraid that he is using me, I know for sure he loves me. IT was a thought in the beginning of our relationship that I thought maybe he was just interested in the green card. And that was my thought, not anything to do with Faisal's actions. Anyway, I am so broke. I am on the verge of having my car repossessed soon, making all the bills, business has been slow, I'm just losing it. But I will be ok. Just hard doing it all on your own and that's kind of how I feel right now. At least the I130 is a bit slower than the K3 was so maybe I will have time to recupe money.

Anyway, I don't want to whine. I will be ok, just got to get through these moments. I was hoping to make a trip to Jordan in August when Faisal has his interview, but the way it looks now, stuck in a rut.

I have to read these posts and catch up. Thanks again for all of your support.

JP, LOL You know, Faisal is so soft, quiet, easy going, on the other hand, i talk loud, like an arab. maybe that has to do with my upbringing, lol.

Andrea

[lamaestra 0]

Good to see that we can discuss AFTER the visa is issued! For such a long time, I was one of the only ones here that already had her husband here. I am a pioneer........... Ok, maybe not that dramatic, but nothing can prepare you for that first month.

Let's here some more 'reunited and it feels so good' stories.

Jackie

We are reunited, married, and it does feel good.

I am getting a little frustrated with the SSA. I was told my husband could not get a social security number until he gets his EAD. This is preventing him from opening a bank account and being added to my health insurance. I went to 3 clinics to get a vaccination supplement, and the people there acted like they had no clue what we needed. I showed them the print out of civil surgeons form the immigration website and they were still clueless. One nurse asked me, "What is he- Mexican?" They were trying to give him a full physical examination!!! I told them he didn't have to have that. Thank goodness- since he's not covered on my medical insurance yet.

Who has been in this place before? What were the first things you did to get your husband established in this country?

Amy, have you heard anything from the embassy yet? I know you are disappointed that you are still waiting for your baby to come home to you. How are you holding up?

[Together4ever 1]

Good to see that we can discuss AFTER the visa is issued! For such a long time, I was one of the only ones here that already had her husband here. I am a pioneer........... Ok, maybe not that dramatic, but nothing can prepare you for that first month.

Let's here some more 'reunited and it feels so good' stories.

Jackie

We are reunited, married, and it does feel good.

I am getting a little frustrated with the SSA. I was told my husband could not get a social security number until he gets his EAD. This is preventing him from opening a bank account and being added to my health insurance. I went to 3 clinics to get a vaccination supplement, and the people there acted like they had no clue what we needed. I showed them the print out of civil surgeons form the immigration website and they were still clueless. One nurse asked me, "What is he- Mexican?" They were trying to give him a full physical examination!!! I told them he didn't have to have that. Thank goodness- since he's not covered on my medical insurance yet.

Who has been in this place before? What were the first things you did to get your husband established in this country?

Amy, have you heard anything from the embassy yet? I know you are disappointed that you are still waiting for your baby to come home to you. How are you holding up?

I have been wondering about these things too. If we ever actually get through the processing and see a visa (haha) I have no clue what to tell him to do at the port of entry, how to get his permission to work (I hear a K1 can get 3 month temporary permission??) his SS card, and those goodies....

[honeyblonde 0]

Honeyblonde/Liz

Ok liz i'm looking at a house it's asking price is 90,000 in your opinion or suggestion what would you ask for it? I mean what would you offer???

Angel

I am going to see our realtor in a bit but just wanted to know how low can you go before they decline???

Angel, That depends on the seller really. Offer what you think is reasonable, your realtor can help there, and be prepared to make counter offers really quickly until you both reach a point you can agree on. I've done them where we just walked away, and others where we negotiated several times within an hour or two and closed on a price. It really isn't a set thing. Just be sure your realtor knows your maximum price before he/she starts negotiating so they know when to get a little tougher, and when to be flexible.

i wish fighting for us was an easy subject...................when we fight and this has been the whole yr and half we've been together, he will not talk to me for hours..........i used to pester him and pester him to make me talk and that makes him madder soooo lately i have just decided f**K it i will leave him be until he decides to act like an adult again and speak to me......i know some dont think it is healthy but my last marriage was all about arguing and usually i would get my a$$ beat so i am kind of timid when it comes to that because tho i know George wouldnt hurt me intentionally i know he has a temper and dont want it directed at me............i hate when we fight especially at night and we go to sleep not talking, that is the hardest for me because i dont like to sleep with a heavy heart.......................................speaking of fighting we are now...pretty much what we fight about these days is my lack of understanding Arabic and understanding his family ways, i dnt like to sit in a house with people and listen to bullcrap for hours, i dont like to go visit people every day.....i like to stay home, spend time with him alone, hang out by myself, go for rides with no purpose of stopping to see someone.................he just doesnt understand that, neither does his family so we end up fighting and he gets mad at me, and i just start cryin like a baby....................ahh well guess another night i go to sleep alone and sad..........

Jess, I hope you don't get mad at my answer. Please take it as just an opinion, because that is really all it is.

I had the same problem in my second marriage. My husband would get mad and not talk to me for literally 3 days at a time. I'm a very physical person, so that made me crazy. He was from Savannah, and I grew up in Ohio. Even though we were both American, our families were as different as night and day. He wanted to drive the hour and a half every single weekend with 4 little boys in the car to go see his parents. I was used to living several states away from my family so not seeing them more than once every few years since I had always been too poor to travel much.

I stayed with him 2 1/2 years, but finally we both decided to call it quits. Within 6 months of our divorce I had lost 60 pounds and felt like a bird let out of a cage. You cannot imagine how free I felt! I had literally spent many evenings sitting on the floor in the bathroom in the dark with my knees to my chest, arms around my knees, crying quietly and rocking. He had me in therapy and on birth control for the horrible PMS I had. Once we were divorced I didn't need therapy or birth control and I didn't have horrible PMS any more.

Ironically, Abdel and I are from two different continents and cultures, but our families are very similar. We both comment on it frequently. Our marriage is so different from my second one. It took me a long time to find Abdel, but I'm glad I waited and actually had decided before I met him that I probably would be alone the rest of my life, and I had learned to be ok with that.

I do hope you are able to make it through this, but don't put yourself through hell if it isn't going to work. I think your visit to your son will be good for you to have a chance to take a step back and look at things and evaluate your relationship. It might also give him a chance to miss you and realize what you mean to him.

Andrea, Please don't feel like you are whining. Everyone has to vent sometimes. Whining is saying the same thing over and over in every post you make. So far you're not doing that, and even if you've said what you're going through a couple of times, you don't do it in a whiny manner. I can relate to what you're going through - after the last few months we're pretty broke too. I guess the difference is that Abdel is here. I hope the next few months fly by and Faisal is by your side soon. I remember how hard it was going through these moments alone but at least now you do have a man on his way so hopefully you won't be doing it too much longer.

[LebaneseMama 1]

My husband has been preparing the packet 4 documents for his interview on May 18th. There are three documents that we are not sure of.

What are the following ....

OF-169

OF-230 1

OF-230 II

Next to all three of them it says : Yes/Document complete/reviewed

But he wants to take everything just in case and we have no idea what they are.

Please if you have the answers let me know. If I can't get an ansewr I will call the embassy ... but I wanted to try here first. Thanks !

[iceyspots 0]

How's everything coming along, LEB?

[~Jess~ 0]

Thank you everyone for your responses. They made me cry. It isnt that i am unwilling to accept his family and their way of life. I just need my own time too. I am totally dependent on him here, i have no family or friends here besides him. When we go for visits for holidays and things i am always ready to go, and when family comes to visit if i am feeling well i make an effort to go out and see them at least for 20 mins or so, then i excuse myself and go back to what i was doing.........sometimes it just gets very overwhelming because we are still living with his sister, we have been here over 3mths already, he isnt really excited to find a job so without that he doesnt want to spend the money he has in the bank to get an apartment for the two of us, or to even get a car....so we are stuck here, far away from cabs or buses, and have to depend on her when we want to do things, and lemme tell you she isnt the easiest person to get along with...................................the whole time we have been here we have only gone and did something special for just the two of us twice, once on valentines day and once when we just sat at the City mall for 5hrs hangin out together..............id love to do things special with him...He has lived in the US for 4 almost 5yrs, he knows the living there, and he actually enjoys that living, but on the same end he has to be with his family and that is alright, i understand and accept that, but seriously he is 36yrs old and needs to learn how to make a decision for himself......................................i am sorry if i always come off like i am whinning, i did choose this for myself and if i am unhappy it is no ones fault but my own, so i do apologize for bothering anyone.......thank you for your support tho.

I hope everyone is well..

Lost in love~congrats on finally getting a case number. i hope things move quicker then expected for you. i checked with her again on our petition and she said it hasnt been reviewed yet, could be next week could be 4mths from now.......who knws. we are still looking at all possiblities for Canada right now, and looks like we might be getting somewhere slowly but surely.

I cant wait til my visit with my family. 5mths 3wks and 5days away.