How you fight with your spouse affects your health

[Kathryn41 3,205]

The New York Times

October 2, 2007

Well

Marital Spats, Taken to Heart

By TARA PARKER-POPE

Arguing is an inevitable part of married life. But now researchers are putting the marital spat under the microscope to see if the way you fight with your spouse can affect your health.

Recent studies show that how often couples fight or what they fight about usually doesn¹t matter. Instead, it¹s the nuanced interactions between men and women, and how they react to and resolve conflict, that appear to make a meaningful difference in the health of the marriage and the health of the couple.

A study of nearly 4,000 men and women from Framingham, Mass., asked whether they typically vented their feelings or kept quiet in arguments with their spouse. Notably, 32 percent of the men and 23 percent of the women said they typically bottled up their feelings during a marital spat.

In men, keeping quiet during a fight didn¹t have any measurable effect on health. But women who didn¹t speak their minds in those fights were four times as likely to die during the 10-year study period as women who always told their husbands how they felt, according to the July report in Psychosomatic Medicine. Whether the woman reported being in a happy marriage or an unhappy marriage didn¹t change her risk.

The tendency to bottle up feelings during a fight is known as self-silencing. For men, it may simply be a calculated but harmless decision to keep the peace. But when women stay quiet, it takes a surprising physical toll.

³When you¹re suppressing communication and feelings during conflict with your husband, it¹s doing something very negative to your physiology, and in the long term it will affect your health,² said Elaine Eaker, an epidemiologist in Gaithersburg, Md., who was the study¹s lead author. ³This doesn¹t mean women should start throwing plates at their husbands, but there needs to be a safe environment where both spouses can equally communicate.²

Other studies led by Dana Crowley Jack, a professor of interdisciplinary studies at Western Washington University in Bellingham, Wash., have linked the self-silencing trait to numerous psychological and physical health risks, including depression, eating disorders and heart disease.

Keeping quiet during a fight with a spouse is something ³we all have to do sometimes,² Dr. Jack said. ³But we worry about the people who do it in a more extreme fashion.²

The emotional tone that men and women take during arguments with a spouse can also take a toll on their health. Utah researchers have videotaped 150 couples to measure the effect that marital arguing style has on heart risk.

The men and women were mostly in their 60s, had been married on average for more than 30 years and had no signs of heart disease. The couples were given stressful topics to discuss, like money or household chores, and the comments made during the ensuing arguments were categorized as warm, hostile, controlling or submissive. The men and women also underwent heart scans to measure coronary artery calcium, an indicator of heart disease risk.

The researchers found that the style of argument detected in the video sessions was a powerful predictor for a man or woman¹s risk for underlying heart disease. In fact, the way the couple interacted was as important a heart risk factor as whether they smoked or had high cholesterol, says Timothy W. Smith, a psychology professor at the University of Utah, who presented the study last year to the American Psychosomatic Society.

For women, whether a husband¹s arguing style was warm or hostile had the biggest effect on her heart health. Dr. Smith notes that in a fight about money, for instance, one man said, ³Did you pass elementary school math?² But another said, ³Bless you, you are not so good with the checkbook, but you¹re good at other things.² In both exchanges, the husband was criticizing his wife¹s money management skills, but the second comment was infused with a level of warmth. In the study, a warm style of arguing by either spouse lowered the wife¹s risk of heart disease.

But arguing style affected men and women differently. The level of warmth or hostility had no effect on a man¹s heart health. For a man, heart risk increased if disagreements with his wife involved a battle for control. And it didn¹t matter whether he or his wife was the one making the controlling comments. An example of a controlling argument style showed up in one video of a man arguing with his wife about money. ³You really should just listen to me on this,² he told her.

What¹s particularly notable about the study is that the men and women filled out standard questionnaires about the quality of their relationships, but those answers were not a good predictor of cardiovascular risk. The difference in risk showed up only when the quality of the couple¹s bickering style was assessed.

³Disagreements in a marriage are inevitable, but it¹s how you conduct yourself,² Dr. Smith said. ³Can you do it in a way that gets your concerns addressed, but without doing damage at the same time? That¹s not an easy mark to hit for some couples.²

[almaty 19]

good article and truth

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Very interesting. I could see that destructive criticism aimed at either spouse would have a dire effect on the heart of the receiver. I think most of us here learned our arguing skills from our parents and their relationship. Although my parents were not perfect people, I rarely heard them make any cutting or biting remarks towards each other - they expressed specifically what they were angry about and then left it at that. There's an art in knowing when all has been said and just remaining silent or risk saying something we'll later regret. Anger is a mighty powerful emotion.

[almaty 19]

Very interesting. I could see that destructive criticism aimed at either spouse would have a dire effect on the heart of the receiver. I think most of us here learned our arguing skills from our parents and their relationship. Although my parents were not perfect people, I rarely heard them make any cutting or biting remarks towards each other - they expressed specifically what they were angry about and then left it at that. There's an art in knowing when all has been said and just remaining silent or risk saying something we'll later regret. Anger is a mighty powerful emotion.

poorly expressed anger is a relationship killer..one needs to express their anger appropriately in a non aggressive manner

[Jasman0717 9]

I rand and rave but it doesn't do any good

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Very interesting. I could see that destructive criticism aimed at either spouse would have a dire effect on the heart of the receiver. I think most of us here learned our arguing skills from our parents and their relationship. Although my parents were not perfect people, I rarely heard them make any cutting or biting remarks towards each other - they expressed specifically what they were angry about and then left it at that. There's an art in knowing when all has been said and just remaining silent or risk saying something we'll later regret. Anger is a mighty powerful emotion.

poorly expressed anger is a relationship killer..one needs to express their anger appropriately in a non aggressive manner

I totally agree brother, but the anger is like a revved up engine...once it's revved up, it's hard to just turn off. Just from my experience, after saying what needs to be said, I'd rather walk away from the argument if my spouse is steaming with anger until both of us have cooled our engines and can talk rationally. I'm all ears as long as it's not biting criticism. I just don't like being a verbal punching bag for criticism.

[almaty 19]

Very interesting. I could see that destructive criticism aimed at either spouse would have a dire effect on the heart of the receiver. I think most of us here learned our arguing skills from our parents and their relationship. Although my parents were not perfect people, I rarely heard them make any cutting or biting remarks towards each other - they expressed specifically what they were angry about and then left it at that. There's an art in knowing when all has been said and just remaining silent or risk saying something we'll later regret. Anger is a mighty powerful emotion.

poorly expressed anger is a relationship killer..one needs to express their anger appropriately in a non aggressive manner

I totally agree brother, but the anger is like a revved up engine...once it's revved up, it's hard to just turn off. Just from my experience, after saying what needs to be said, I'd rather walk away from the argument if my spouse is steaming with anger until both of us have cooled our engines and can talk rationally. I'm all ears as long as it's not biting criticism. I just don't like being a verbal punching bag for criticism.

anger is a slow feeling but rage is a fast feeling....anger expressed properly is an excellent way to address an issue..but rage comes on quick and is destructive in nature,,,and most incidents of rage is verbal confrontations...physical rage is another area in entirely

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Very interesting. I could see that destructive criticism aimed at either spouse would have a dire effect on the heart of the receiver. I think most of us here learned our arguing skills from our parents and their relationship. Although my parents were not perfect people, I rarely heard them make any cutting or biting remarks towards each other - they expressed specifically what they were angry about and then left it at that. There's an art in knowing when all has been said and just remaining silent or risk saying something we'll later regret. Anger is a mighty powerful emotion.

poorly expressed anger is a relationship killer..one needs to express their anger appropriately in a non aggressive manner

I totally agree brother, but the anger is like a revved up engine...once it's revved up, it's hard to just turn off. Just from my experience, after saying what needs to be said, I'd rather walk away from the argument if my spouse is steaming with anger until both of us have cooled our engines and can talk rationally. I'm all ears as long as it's not biting criticism. I just don't like being a verbal punching bag for criticism.

anger is a slow feeling but rage is a fast feeling....anger expressed properly is an excellent way to address an issue..but rage comes on quick and is destructive in nature,,,and most incidents of rage is verbal confrontations...physical rage is another area in entirely

Ah, I didn't really know the distinction between the two. Very interesting. What triggers rage? Is it a conditioned response?

[Jasman0717 9]

Claudeth likes to run around naked all the time and I just can't seem to stay angry at a beautiful naked woman

[almaty 19]

Very interesting. I could see that destructive criticism aimed at either spouse would have a dire effect on the heart of the receiver. I think most of us here learned our arguing skills from our parents and their relationship. Although my parents were not perfect people, I rarely heard them make any cutting or biting remarks towards each other - they expressed specifically what they were angry about and then left it at that. There's an art in knowing when all has been said and just remaining silent or risk saying something we'll later regret. Anger is a mighty powerful emotion.

poorly expressed anger is a relationship killer..one needs to express their anger appropriately in a non aggressive manner

I totally agree brother, but the anger is like a revved up engine...once it's revved up, it's hard to just turn off. Just from my experience, after saying what needs to be said, I'd rather walk away from the argument if my spouse is steaming with anger until both of us have cooled our engines and can talk rationally. I'm all ears as long as it's not biting criticism. I just don't like being a verbal punching bag for criticism.

anger is a slow feeling but rage is a fast feeling....anger expressed properly is an excellent way to address an issue..but rage comes on quick and is destructive in nature,,,and most incidents of rage is verbal confrontations...physical rage is another area in entirely

Ah, I didn't really know the distinction between the two. Very interesting. What triggers rage? Is it a conditioned response?

rage is influenced by allot of areas..in some people can be chemical..although, they usually suffer from a psychiatric disorder..mainly, learn...it can be influenced by friends ..family..media...and environment and the inability to express one's believes and emotions,..rage is an area, where some people feel like they are in control through intimidation

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Claudeth likes to run around naked all the time and I just can't seem to stay angry at a beautiful naked woman

We should just take off all our clothes...it'd end all wars as we know them.

[almaty 19]

damn straight it would..and brother jim..you are indeed a lucky man

[Jasman0717 9]

damn straight it would..and brother jim..you are indeed a lucky man

Now she is folding clothes naked....what's a man to do

[one...two...tree 2,762]

damn straight it would..and brother jim..you are indeed a lucky man

Now she is folding clothes naked....what's a man to do

Type with one hand? j/k

[Nessa 23]

damn straight it would..and brother jim..you are indeed a lucky man

Now she is folding clothes naked....what's a man to do

Type with one hand? j/k