So you want to Get in Shape?

[Kathryn41 3,205]

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted

to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my 60th birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased

a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I

am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader

43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it

a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named

Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and

model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased

with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a

diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY : Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth

it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.

She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and

a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me

the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted

her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was

encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from

holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a

FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY : I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -

then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the

treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it

all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY : The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the

counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in

both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other

club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning

and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the

stair 'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate

an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would

help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other ###### too.

THURSDAY : Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her

thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being

a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took

me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid

in the restroom. She sent another skinny ###### to find me. Then, as

punishment, she put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY : I hate that ###### Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any

other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,

anorexic little cheerleader! If there was a part of my body I could move

without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And

if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the Damn barbells or

anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off

and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have

been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY : Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly

voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me

want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to

even use the TV remote and ended up catching 11 straight hours of the

Weather Channel.

SUNDAY : I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and

thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my

daughter Rachel (the little snot) will choose a gift for me that is fun

- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me

to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[Jasman0717 9]

Wow

[almaty 19]

lol

[monnik 0]

That was so funny. Thanks Kathryn.