Do You Yearn for a Man in Your Past?

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Thought this was interesting commentary on relationships...

Dear Nancy:

Fifteen Years ago I fell deeply in love with my first boyfriend. Ten years after that, we got engaged after a long separation due to college. Then we broke up. That was six years ago. I'm now married to somebody else and I still think of him every day. I miss him so badly.

Even though he was the one that broke off our engagement, I somehow believe he regrets his decision and wants me back in his life. We haven't spoken in so long, and every day my ache for him grows larger. What do you think I should do? Should I contact him? I feel little for my husband. The only man I ever wanted to marry was him.

Answer: It sounds like you are in a lot of pain and I feel for you. Aching for an ex partner always hurts, especially when the choice to end the relationship was not yours. There is only one way to feel better, other than time, it is to change your perspective about what is happening.

When a woman is in the middle of emotional turmoil, her thoughts are clouded. In my response, I'll help to bring some new ways of looking at your situation, along with helping you to sort out what's real and what's not.

Let me remind you that it's my job to be honest with you and give you objective advice. What I tell you is based purely on the reality of human behavior, and sometimes that can be very ugly.

* Why A Man Marries A Woman

Let me first start off by saying something that may be a little hard for you to face. When a man wants a woman, there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that will stand in his way to have her.

A client of mine discovered this the hard way one time when she decided she wanted her ex back. She, too, was convinced that he regretted his decision and wanted to be with her. She finally made contact with him and dressed to look her best. They enjoyed a leisure lunch in Santa Barbara and went back to his house and "fooled around" a little.

Her fantasy suddenly became a reality when he said the most haunting words, "If I wanted you, you would be my wife, not "Bill's" wife. If I wanted you, I would take you!" This is the reality of a man's attitude about women, as upsetting as this may be.

Before you make the same mistake my client did, you need to evaluate your situation with new eyes.

Whenever a courtship goes beyond 4 years without a marriage, there is a reason for it. Basically all it means is that the man does not want to marry that particular woman. Many men will continue dating a woman even if he never plans to marry her. This can go on for years because it's comfortable to him and he also gets his needs met by staying with one woman. A woman will construe this to mean that they are heading for marriage eventually.

A man in a situation may even propose marriage to placate the woman. This is a common technique that buys a man more time, although he has not intention of marrying her. Like I said above, a man who wants to marry a woman will not stall, he'll do it and do it within 1-4 years. If it goes beyond that, you can bet you are not the one he wants to marry.

I am going to recommend two very good books to help you understand why men marry, and in your case, why they choose not to: 1. "Why Men Marry: Insights from men about what makes them ready for marriage" by A.T. Langford and 2. "What Men Want" by Gerstman, Pizzo, and Seldes. Each book gives wonderful insights into the male psyche and why he dates certain women and why he decides to marry one woman over others.

What's bad about these books is that they don't allow a woman to delude herself about a man's behavior. What the authors say may hurt. This because they will make your fantasy go up in smoke when you read the truth behind your ex's behavior.

* Getting Rid of Your Fantasy

The majority of woman have an ex who holds a dear place in their hearts, especially if it's a first boyfriend. No other man will ever be able to live up to that measure of perfection, nor should he. This is because it was a first love.

Relationships end for a reason and are better left in the past. When a woman wants to get in touch with an ex, it's usually because she's not getting her needs met in a current relationship. Its not any more complicated than that, regardless of what you tell yourself.

The only way to feel content with your current partner is to point your finger at yourself. A lot of times a woman will blame her partner for the problems. She may say that he is not paying enough attention to her or that he isn't romantic enough.

The truth of the matter though, is in you. Until you can satisfy your own needs, you will continually go in and out of fantasies for someone else.

You won't be able to find happiness in another person. The only happiness comes from what you create in yourself. Take to heart what Abraham Lincoln once said, "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

If you are not happy, it's up to you to change that. This does not mean that you should leave your husband. What it does mean is that you need to fix what is broken inside of you. Changing your outside world will only fix you temporarily.

Changing what is inside of you is the only way to guarantee permanent change.

http://www.committment.com/fagan4.html

[no name 1]

Dear Nancy:

Fifteen Years ago I fell deeply in love with my first boyfriend. Ten years after that, we got engaged after a long separation due to college. Then we broke up. That was six years ago. I'm now married to somebody else and I still think of him every day. I miss him so badly.

Even though he was the one that broke off our engagement, I somehow believe he regrets his decision and wants me back in his life. We haven't spoken in so long, and every day my ache for him grows larger. What do you think I should do? Should I contact him? I feel little for my husband. The only man I ever wanted to marry was him.

Answer: It sounds like you are in a lot of pain and I feel for you. Aching for an ex partner always hurts, especially when the choice to end the relationship was not yours. There is only one way to feel better, other than time, it is to change your perspective about what is happening.

When a woman is in the middle of emotional turmoil, her thoughts are clouded. In my response, I'll help to bring some new ways of looking at your situation, along with helping you to sort out what's real and what's not.

Let me remind you that it's my job to be honest with you and give you objective advice. What I tell you is based purely on the reality of human behavior, and sometimes that can be very ugly.

* Why A Man Marries A Woman

Let me first start off by saying something that may be a little hard for you to face. When a man wants a woman, there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that will stand in his way to have her.

A client of mine discovered this the hard way one time when she decided she wanted her ex back. She, too, was convinced that he regretted his decision and wanted to be with her. She finally made contact with him and dressed to look her best. They enjoyed a leisure lunch in Santa Barbara and went back to his house and "fooled around" a little.

Her fantasy suddenly became a reality when he said the most haunting words, "If I wanted you, you would be my wife, not "Bill's" wife. If I wanted you, I would take you!" This is the reality of a man's attitude about women, as upsetting as this may be.

Before you make the same mistake my client did, you need to evaluate your situation with new eyes.

Whenever a courtship goes beyond 4 years without a marriage, there is a reason for it. Basically all it means is that the man does not want to marry that particular woman. Many men will continue dating a woman even if he never plans to marry her. This can go on for years because it's comfortable to him and he also gets his needs met by staying with one woman. A woman will construe this to mean that they are heading for marriage eventually.

A man in a situation may even propose marriage to placate the woman. This is a common technique that buys a man more time, although he has not intention of marrying her. Like I said above, a man who wants to marry a woman will not stall, he'll do it and do it within 1-4 years. If it goes beyond that, you can bet you are not the one he wants to marry.

I am going to recommend two very good books to help you understand why men marry, and in your case, why they choose not to: 1. "Why Men Marry: Insights from men about what makes them ready for marriage" by A.T. Langford and 2. "What Men Want" by Gerstman, Pizzo, and Seldes. Each book gives wonderful insights into the male psyche and why he dates certain women and why he decides to marry one woman over others.

What's bad about these books is that they don't allow a woman to delude herself about a man's behavior. What the authors say may hurt. This because they will make your fantasy go up in smoke when you read the truth behind your ex's behavior.

* Getting Rid of Your Fantasy

The majority of woman have an ex who holds a dear place in their hearts, especially if it's a first boyfriend. No other man will ever be able to live up to that measure of perfection, nor should he. This is because it was a first love.

Relationships end for a reason and are better left in the past. When a woman wants to get in touch with an ex, it's usually because she's not getting her needs met in a current relationship. Its not any more complicated than that, regardless of what you tell yourself.

The only way to feel content with your current partner is to point your finger at yourself. A lot of times a woman will blame her partner for the problems. She may say that he is not paying enough attention to her or that he isn't romantic enough.

The truth of the matter though, is in you. Until you can satisfy your own needs, you will continually go in and out of fantasies for someone else.

You won't be able to find happiness in another person. The only happiness comes from what you create in yourself. Take to heart what Abraham Lincoln once said, "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

If you are not happy, it's up to you to change that. This does not mean that you should leave your husband. What it does mean is that you need to fix what is broken inside of you. Changing your outside world will only fix you temporarily.

Changing what is inside of you is the only way to guarantee permanent change.

http://www.committment.com/fagan4.html

[RandyandRina 2]

Good read!

So should I divorce my husband now?

Just kidding folks!

[Marilyn. 340]

seeing as my hubby was my first "real" boyfriend, I don't really have any men in my past....

I did have a few crushes along the way but I can say with 100 percent certainty that I am glad I didn't end up with any of them

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Good read!

So should I divorce my husband now?

Just kidding folks!

No, no... hell, this unfamiliar territory for me. I'm sure there are always exceptions to any norm, but if it's true in general...wow, because I didn't know that.

[TracyTN 237]

This is quite possibly the best thread in VJ history.

[Jaseball 0]

I think it's much simpler really. If you are still in love with somebody and they outright dump, betray, use, or otherwise screw you over you will be the one who is hurting for a long, long time, regardless of being a man or a woman.

Getting rejected hurts. It's basically someone you love saying, "I'd rather be alone or find someone brand new than be yours." The loss if you are in love is like a death because in many ways you are losing a loved one, but even worse you lose them because they choose to be without you.

When I was younger some of the worst breakup were from women who gave me the let's just be friends speech or even worse, the I still love you, but I'm no longer in love with you.

Some of the best advice I ever read was, "Never want someone who doesn't want you."

[no name 1]

This is quite possibly the best thread in VJ history.

[Caladan 19]

I am suspicious of the broad generalizations here. The reason the woman's former fiance isn't in love with her is that he hasn't contacted her in years.

No need to get all 'if da man wants da wo-man he takes da wo-man' to explain this one. Plenty of people date for more than four years without getting married.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I am suspicious of the broad generalizations here. The reason the woman's former fiance isn't in love with her is that he hasn't contacted her in years.

No need to get all 'if da man wants da wo-man he takes da wo-man' to explain this one. Plenty of people date for more than four years without getting married.

I agree. I dislike absolutes as generalizations...but according the link, the author is a clinical psychologist and relationship counselor.

[JVKn'CVO 11]

Thought this was interesting commentary on relationships...

Dear Nancy:

........

Whenever a courtship goes beyond 4 years without a marriage, there is a reason for it. Basically all it means is that the man does not want to marry that particular woman. Many men will continue dating a woman even if he never plans to marry her. This can go on for years because it's comfortable to him and he also gets his needs met by staying with one woman. A woman will construe this to mean that they are heading for marriage eventually.

......

http://www.committment.com/fagan4.html

I'm going to make some friends of mine read this...

Caro

[no name 1]

Plenty of people date for more than four years without getting married.

Whenever a courtship goes beyond 4 years without a marriage, there is a reason for it. Basically all it means is that the man does not want to marry that particular woman. Many men will continue dating a woman even if he never plans to marry her. This can go on for years because it's comfortable to him and he also gets his needs met by staying with one woman. A woman will construe this to mean that they are heading for marriage eventually.

A man in a situation may even propose marriage to placate the woman. This is a common technique that buys a man more time, although he has not intention of marrying her. Like I said above, a man who wants to marry a woman will not stall, he'll do it and do it within 1-4 years. If it goes beyond that, you can bet you are not the one he wants to marry.

The author hit that one on the head! One only needs to watch Jerry Springer/other ####### talk shows when a whiny woman is all, 'why won't he marry me? I'm gonna make him commit or else!' Yet, it drags on for another few years as both are too lazy to look for a new partner.

[Caladan 19]

In my experience, it's almost the opposite.

It's not so much that the guy doesn't want to marry a particular girl, but it's more that he's not ready to marry now, where "now" might be 'while I'm still young', 'before I finish my law degree', 'while my career is in transition.' A lot of my friends dated perfectly wonderful women but didn't get married until they were set career-wise, and sometimes the relationships just didn't survive that long. And when they were 'ready', they met and married the girl within two years. Was she the One? Or was it just the Right Time? My sense is that it's the latter and that if they'd met (say) their college girlfriends when they were newly minted law associates, they would have married them.

In any case, I'm not going to give some story about that to someone whose ex HASN'T SPOKEN TO HER IN SIX YEARS. He is not talking to you. He is not interested. You are not living in a movie. C'est ca.

Plenty of people date for more than four years without getting married.

Whenever a courtship goes beyond 4 years without a marriage, there is a reason for it. Basically all it means is that the man does not want to marry that particular woman. Many men will continue dating a woman even if he never plans to marry her. This can go on for years because it's comfortable to him and he also gets his needs met by staying with one woman. A woman will construe this to mean that they are heading for marriage eventually.

A man in a situation may even propose marriage to placate the woman. This is a common technique that buys a man more time, although he has not intention of marrying her. Like I said above, a man who wants to marry a woman will not stall, he'll do it and do it within 1-4 years. If it goes beyond that, you can bet you are not the one he wants to marry.

The author hit that one on the head! One only needs to watch Jerry Springer/other ####### talk shows when a whiny woman is all, 'why won't he marry me? I'm gonna make him commit or else!' Yet, it drags on for another few years as both are too lazy to look for a new partner.

Whoops, I misspoke that. I know a number of couples that started dating in college, then married after four or five years of dating. My sister has been dating her high school sweetheart for six years. I don't think it's a good predictor.

[no name 1]

My sister has been dating her high school sweetheart for six years. I don't think it's a good predictor.

And does she want to marry him? Is he dragging his feet?

[MissStacey 1]

A few years back I dated a man from my past.

As a teen, I was head over heels for this guy- I thought he was it. He broke my heart but I never really got over him.

I turned out to be very disappointed when I dated him again. I wondered what I ever saw in him in the first place and wished I didn't spend so much time pining for him.

Edited September 25, 2007 by Stacey33