Understanding Men and African Men

[Zee Bee 61]

6. Men like to know that they are in control and not their wives and that they are making some contribution in the family.

So awesomely wrong on so many levels.

We are talking about African men here. And while this is a generalization I can safely say that this is very true in Africa. It is not meant to say that women have no say in what goes on or what happens. The pride of every African man (and I would think any man) is his family. He is there to provide for and take care of them. If the woman can help, no problem. But it is the responsibility of the man to provide for his family.

What is wrong with that????????

Edited September 19, 2007 by ZeeNusah

[Anika&Tani 0]

I wholeheartily agree with Francis and Zee. And there is nothing wrong with that at all!!! My fiancee knows I can take care of myself but he wants to take care of me and and our future family and I'm going to thoroughly enjoy being taken care of for once.

Anika and Tani

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Francis, I'm new to the VJ so I don't have the background that this emanates from. However, I agree with what you are saying in principle. It is definitely important to realize the cultural differences of the roles that men and women play in relationships when you are entering into a cross-cultural relationship. It's also important for both to try to understand the other person's perspective and try to connect and compromise and not foster disharmony in the relationship. I won't be easy. But it's worth it in the end. The Bible asks a wife to submit to a worthy husband. That gives both people responsibilities to live up to and when both are striving for that, the relationship will blossom as God intended. IMHO.

[akatagirl 0]

Francis,

Its always nice to get an African man's perspective when it comes to relationship issues..Thank you for sharing..No doubt about it, you being here with your new family is an adjustment process for not only your wife but for you most of all. I do agree that many naija/african men are brought up with the idea (both supported in the bible and in the culture) that men are the head and women are the neck...Adjusting to a whole new life and trying to blend your culture with your wife's as well as adjusting to new surroundings takes plenty of time, communication and compromise on both ends. If, at even the most trying times, a couple can take these ideals to heart during the adjustment phase of a relationship and weather it, the results can be quite glorious!!!

[rashell 0]

Broda you no lie....You try wel wel, you dey make our american wives understand us say sometimes e dey hard make man adapt to their environment wey him no dey use to. God go hammer you plenty plenty blessing with this one wey you post.

Jamil

I wished I had read your post when my husband was in the house waiting he could agree with you and that gives me a different look at him, I now know some of what he endured thank u for your post

[Divine Mercy 0]

Thank you for your post, it is greatly appreciated. My husband is still in Nigeria and it hurts him that he is not here to care for his wife and son. I know it is something he feels he must do as a man but for now we are helpless at the mercy of the USCIS. I love him so very much, the last thing I want to do is make his transition to the states more difficult. But the fact remains that he will not be allowed to work as soon as he enters and he will need time to adjust to his new life. My question then becomes, how can I make things easier for him? How can I let him know how much he is appreciated, wanted and needed? Just his being here with our son is a huge help to us financially since I work full time and day care costs are outrageous. He will be saving us a small fortune by taking care of our son, who he has missed out on so much of his life. What can I do to let him acknowledge that he is taking care of us, he is being a responsible man when he gets here?

[myangel2 0]

Very well said... Thank you for those words... God Bless you and your family.

[Adrians Mom 0]

Thank you for your post, it is greatly appreciated. My husband is still in Nigeria and it hurts him that he is not here to care for his wife and son. I know it is something he feels he must do as a man but for now we are helpless at the mercy of the USCIS. I love him so very much, the last thing I want to do is make his transition to the states more difficult. But the fact remains that he will not be allowed to work as soon as he enters and he will need time to adjust to his new life. My question then becomes, how can I make things easier for him? How can I let him know how much he is appreciated, wanted and needed? Just his being here with our son is a huge help to us financially since I work full time and day care costs are outrageous. He will be saving us a small fortune by taking care of our son, who he has missed out on so much of his life. What can I do to let him acknowledge that he is taking care of us, he is being a responsible man when he gets here?

My SO isn't here yet either, but I also have the same worries you have. I think as long as you respect him as your husband and father of your child, the two of you will be OK. Of course communication is key....not necessarily making sure to keep communication....but to monitor how communication is kept. How are your messages being conveyed? Are you asking him to do things or are u telling him? Little things like that...I think men just like to be treated and respected as men. Even though you may be earning all the money, maybe you can put his name on the bank accounts and get him his own visa check card for those accounts. This way, he can do some of the spending too....of course while you two are maintaining budget.

My SO won't have the opportunity to work right away because of the field he's in, so we have this discussion often. He's used to working alot, and often kept quite busy with his two jobs. I tell him to look at the upcoming period of being un-employed as a much needed mini-vacation.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I've tried to tell Bassi the same thing about considering the jobless period a rest period. But I know it's going to be absolutely HORRIBLE for ALL of us! He's a stubborn man. That's one of the reasons I'm making a honey do list, so that he can feel useful cause there are a ton of things in the house and need to be done that I'd have to pay for now. So when he's here he'll be painting and fixing and replacing and all that fun stuff so hopefully he'll be exhausted by the time I get home. Thank God I have a 100 yr old house. I hope that keeps him busy and maybe school at the same time. But I know he'll always be thinking about money and how he should be taking care of me and it's time already to get out to work. Can't stop a good man from thinking those thoughts.

[His Glory 25]

I've tried to tell Bassi the same thing about considering the jobless period a rest period. But I know it's going to be absolutely HORRIBLE for ALL of us! He's a stubborn man. That's one of the reasons I'm making a honey do list, so that he can feel useful cause there are a ton of things in the house and need to be done that I'd have to pay for now. So when he's here he'll be painting and fixing and replacing and all that fun stuff so hopefully he'll be exhausted by the time I get home. Thank God I have a 100 yr old house. I hope that keeps him busy and maybe school at the same time. But I know he'll always be thinking about money and how he should be taking care of me and it's time already to get out to work. Can't stop a good man from thinking those thoughts.

Thank you Francis, for your incite and experience. You are doing very well in enduring your trials and tribulations and you and your marriage will be stronger for it. God is the 3 cord in your marriage. Its obvious by your words that you are the spiritual head of your family and you are concerned for your other responsibilities and you will be blessed for your seriousness in these matters. Jehovah will not give you more than you can bear and we have to remember Jesus promised he will be with us till the end, so you have devine backing in your goals. Therefore you will succeed. How proud your wife and in-laws must be of you. Your new family is blessed to have you in their lives.

Kathryn, one way you can show your husband how he is taking care of you is by taking your concerns to him and listen to his advice and reason respectfully with him if you dont see eye-to-eye on something. Let him know how talking to him eases your stress and increases your joy. You know whats funny. I asked my husband one day..."What would you tell the embassy if they ask you how do you know your wife loves you?" I thought he might say because of the sacrifices I have made, financially and my patience. But he told me because I listen to him. To him that is how I show him my respect, love and loyalty. Then I thought about it......Doesnt God measure our love the same way. My 2 cents

[NaijaPrincess Need NaijaPrince 0]

Wow!! That does shed some new light on what my husband is feeling but does not tell me. I so want him to be the head of the house but right now in all reality ---it is me that is the head. My earning power is more than his, I know about how this country works and despite the fact that I have introduced him to Nigerians that I know, he still disapproves (maybe he didn't pick them out himself ) I keep telling him to let me support him for now (listen to my advise) and then he can be the head for the rest of our lives. African man has to stand down sometime & take it easy. I admire his determination to just make it and make it big in America but these things take time. This is a transition for us both...not only him alone.

[His Glory 25]

Wow!! That does shed some new light on what my husband is feeling but does not tell me. I so want him to be the head of the house but right now in all reality ---it is me that is the head. My earning power is more than his, I know about how this country works and despite the fact that I have introduced him to Nigerians that I know, he still disapproves (maybe he didn't pick them out himself ) I keep telling him to let me support him for now (listen to my advise) and then he can be the head for the rest of our lives. African man has to stand down sometime & take it easy. I admire his determination to just make it and make it big in America but these things take time. This is a transition for us both...not only him alone.

Princess, there is so much to being the head of the family and finances is only a part. If you make more than him it only means you make more than him but you are not usurping his position or intentions to do his best to take care of you as head of the family. Thats all you ask right? To do his best? Maybe you can tell him to just try to accept that you make more money than him right now and that since you are a team its both your money but that he is still the head and you respect that. He sounds like a great guy, very responsible. But asking him to stand down would be asking him to go against his nature and what makes him a man. It would be like breaking their spirit. Just remind him its a team effort and he cant make it big alone.

[NaijaPrincess Need NaijaPrince 0]

Finances is a BIG.BIG part of being the head of the family. Historically, the one who is able to hunt and kill and bring home dinner is typically the head of the house. Somethings he expects me to do (i.e. cooking, cleaning, etc) as the wife I am not able to do, simply because working 2 sometimes 3 jobs tires me out. It is just the reality of things right now...I am the head of the house!!! I am responsible for taking care of my husband. When I signed immigration papers, I agreed that he would not be a financial burden to no one but myself! That is a cross that I must carry for now. It is true that the money is both ours but at times he doesn't have no idea about saving money for hard times. He thinks he is in America and he's rich!!! He still has the African male mental thinking which will take time for it to break. Most mixed cultural marriages will find themselves struggling with position in the relationship. I am the head for now. Until then I just make him feel as if he is!!!

Princess, there is so much to being the head of the family and finances is only a part. If you make more than him it only means you make more than him but you are not usurping his position or intentions to do his best to take care of you as head of the family. Thats all you ask right? To do his best? Maybe you can tell him to just try to accept that you make more money than him right now and that since you are a team its both your money but that he is still the head and you respect that. He sounds like a great guy, very responsible. But asking him to stand down would be asking him to go against his nature and what makes him a man. It would be like breaking their spirit. Just remind him its a team effort and he cant make it big alone.

[His Glory 25]

Yes it is a big part and I am the main bread winner in my family but I am not head of the family. i will never feel that way unless my husband has no intentions to take care of his family financially and does take the spiritual lead. He is the family head and answers to God for us as a family and he takes that very seriously. He hates that I have to be the breadwinner right now but he as to accept it at this point as I do. I feel you on the saving thing and thinking that we are rich I keep telling him when he gets here he will know exactly what I am talking about. It is a better standard of living health wise financially etc but its all relative. Once he drives down to beverly hills he is gonna see exactly where we are compared to what others have.

[NaijaPrincess Need NaijaPrince 0]

Yes it is a big part and I am the main bread winner in my family but I am not head of the family. i will never feel that way unless my husband has no intentions to take care of his family financially and does take the spiritual lead. He is the family head and answers to God for us as a family and he takes that very seriously. He hates that I have to be the breadwinner right now but he as to accept it at this point as I do. I feel you on the saving thing and thinking that we are rich I keep telling him when he gets here he will know exactly what I am talking about. It is a better standard of living health wise financially etc but its all relative. Once he drives down to beverly hills he is gonna see exactly where we are compared to what others have.

I see where you are coming from with the whole head of the household....Your husband and you are not under the same roof at the moment. Just wait until he gets here. You will see what I am talking about. Fighting the embassy is the easy part. I know that when I was in Nigeria the women were not as liberal as you and I. I don't know how women are in Ghana but most African women do not suggest to their husbands to take out the trash and do housework. And they DO NOT get mouth with their husbands!!! SO when he gets here it will be an adjustment for the two of you. He may not be able to work for a while and that I know will disturb him as a man. You will be like Dear God!!!! but you will make it.