One month anniversary

[boo boo 1]

My SO is not here yet, but I'm reading up on this thread so I can be prepared...

I too work a whoooooole lot, and my honey and I have discussed that when he gets here, he probably won't be able to work. He has to take medical exams, and we decided its best that he not work until he pass them. I try to explain how things are here in the U.S. so he won't be totally shell-shocked when he gets here. I also explain to him that he's going to have to get used to me taking care of things financially until he gets on his feet. I told him to battle out all those pride issues before he gets here, because there really won't be much we can do to change that.

My question is....those of you that are experiencing transition issues with your SO....did you all talk about it before hand? When you decided to get married, and decided to have your SO migrate to the U.S., weren't these scenarios discussed? When I decided to get married, that's the first thing that popped in my head - my SO and his transition to a whole new country. I understand that talk and action are two totally different things - especially in marriage. But why wouldn't these things be discussed before hand?

I read someone's post where they mentioned being a mother figure to their husband who just arrived in U.S. -- uhhhh maybe that's not the best approach or analogy. Mothers have somewhat of an authoritative role....don't wanna come off that way to ur husband...u guys should be equals. If my fiance walked around acting like he was a father figure to me, I might get a bit defensive....but hey...what do I know...according to USCIS, he's nowhere near being here yet....

[boo boo 1]

My hubby and I had countless conversations about getting married, living life together...shared all of our hopes and dreams....but then when it actually happens ...reality sinks in...and your life can take many unexpected turns. I honestly thought that my husband would do very well here...I mean I pictured him having a career...but unfortunately...it hasn't happened yet.

My husband has a 2 degrees....he recieved his master's last year in Europe....but he can not find ANY work in his field and he got discouraged..so now he is going to school for something else. It is very very hard to get a good job here even if you have degrees from other countries...that is sad. It might not be impossible...but pretty darn close....especially if you have no prior work exiperence...in the field. Right now he is getting his college transcripts evaluated...so I have my fingers crossed that they will be recognized for something good.

It is nice to have deep conversations and talk everything out before your loved one gets here....I had many "what if's" and it was nice just getting everything out in the open.

I did mention in a previous thread....that most women have those maternal instincts(caring, loving, compasionate)...but I did not mean mother figure...I would never try to be that....I agree with you...a man should only have one mother

I wish you and your SO the best in your future and I hope that everything goes according to plan....I am a very optimistic person and I like to hear about other people having that same attitude

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

When you are doing everything for a person to care for them you can't help but start to feel maternal in your role. But that is only temporary. You can't be equals philosophically if you are the one that has to had him money or tell him where to go or when to go and how to get there. It simply has to be a period of complete release and trusting for you to teach him what he needs to survive and thrive in a new environment. Bassi and I talk about this a lot but there is nothing like the practical. It's going to be a hard transition that we have to work through together. Marraige isn't easy even without all the cultural transitions. We have to commit to working hard just like we are working on this process just to get him over here. It's nice to have people's perspectives who are actually going through it. We can learn from their experiences and mistakes.

[LovinLiberia 0]

My hubby and I had countless conversations about getting married, living life together...shared all of our hopes and dreams....but then when it actually happens ...reality sinks in...and your life can take many unexpected turns.

That is so true. This is my fiance's third week here and things have been smooth for the most part, but there have also been some frustrating parts in between. Booker and I spent countless HOURS discussing our lives and how things will be once he arrived. We both had a good idea of how life would be, but once we actually started going through the motions, it was harder than we expected. He honestly hasn't had a problem adjusting to life here even though he does get bored and mentions wanting to work, but he was prepared for that so he doesn't mention it often.

The hardest thing for us was adjusting to each other's personalities 24/7. I always knew he was quiet and he always knew I was loud and outgoing, but it magnified now that we are living together and we seriously had a rough 2 day "personality adjustment phase" last week because of it. It opened our eyes and the fact that we will be stuck together forever hit home and reality sunk in. We both discussed it and agree that we don't regret it, but it was a hard time for both of us. We also go back and think about the talks and preparations we went through and we try to remain as patient as possible with each other. Sometimes he will mention that he misses Liberia or feels upset about not being near his family. At those points, I will give him a long hard hug just to let him know that I am here for him and I am thankful that he left everything behind to come here.

It can be very stressful for them to come and have them not work. No matter what, it still makes them feel a bit useless or dependent. We take each day at a time and just remember the pain we went through to make it to this point. VJ also helps let us know that this adjustment period is normal and we aren't falling apart, but re-adjusting.

Edited September 26, 2007 by LovinLiberia

[NigerianLove 0]

It is so wonderful to see everyone sharing! It really me to read your posts. It keeps me strong. I'm trying to figure out ways to help my fiance and I adjust. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't. Some days I walk away feeling guilty or hurt and I know he does too, but each day I thank God for him. I feel bad because he doesn't talk to anyone about how he feels. I have my girlfriends to help me release the tension. He needs another man to help him understand the American ways, especially the women . Hopefully, my BIL will start helping him with that.

Everyone, please keep on responding because it is very encouraging!

My hubby and I had countless conversations about getting married, living life together...shared all of our hopes and dreams....but then when it actually happens ...reality sinks in...and your life can take many unexpected turns.

That is so true. This is my fiance's third week here and things have been smooth for the most part, but there have also been some frustrating parts in between. Booker and I spent countless HOURS discussing our lives and how things will be once he arrived. We both had a good idea of how life would be, but once we actually started going through the motions, it was harder than we expected. He honestly hasn't had a problem adjusting to life here even though he does get bored and mentions wanting to work, but he was prepared for that so he doesn't mention it often.

The hardest thing for us was adjusting to each other's personalities 24/7. I always knew he was quiet and he always knew I was loud and outgoing, but it magnified now that we are living together and we seriously had a rough 2 day "personality adjustment phase" last week because of it. It opened our eyes and the fact that we will be stuck together forever hit home and reality sunk in. We both discussed it and agree that we don't regret it, but it was a hard time for both of us. We also go back and think about the talks and preparations we went through and we try to remain as patient as possible with each other. Sometimes he will mention that he misses Liberia or feels upset about not being near his family. At those points, I will give him a long hard hug just to let him know that I am here for him and I am thankful that he left everything behind to come here.

It can be very stressful for them to come and have them not work. No matter what, it still makes them feel a bit useless or dependent. We take each day at a time and just remember the pain we went through to make it to this point. VJ also helps let us know that this adjustment period is normal and we aren't falling apart, but re-adjusting.

[LovinLiberia 0]

It is so wonderful to see everyone sharing! It really me to read your posts. It keeps me strong. I'm trying to figure out ways to help my fiance and I adjust. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't. Some days I walk away feeling guilty or hurt and I know he does too, but each day I thank God for him. I feel bad because he doesn't talk to anyone about how he feels. I have my girlfriends to help me release the tension. He needs another man to help him understand the American ways, especially the women . Hopefully, my BIL will start helping him with that.

Everyone, please keep on responding because it is very encouraging!

That is very true. I have been encouraging Booker to get out and meet some friends. He does have a few male family members here that he calls everyday, but they are married to Liberian women and can't really give him advice on the ways of American women. He's been having a mix of emotions since being here and I would like for him to meet other foreigners who have been through this. At least he will know that he isn't the only one who had to go through an adjustment phase when coming here.

This weekend we are meeting some members from the Liberian Association here in Houston and we are also attending a Liberian church. He is hoping to find a niche and meet some people that he can relate to. On another note, we called the Social Security office yesterday and his card was processed yesterday, so his SSN should be arriving before next Wed. That's one more step towards him being completely settled. He's excited because now he can start volunteering, driving, and getting out.

[Perseverance 1]

I wanted to let everyone know that we are doing much better now, thanks to everyone who reached out to me and helped me through this.

[rdsey 0]

My sitution was similar my husband is Nigeran from Germany, he was in the states 6 months before we got together.

It was indeed a long depressing process because he had to stay home all day while i went to wor. He did none of the wonderful things your husband did for you my husband would stay up all night so I couldnt get any sleep then when it was time for me to get up he had an attitude because I was maing noise. He felt lie a child because he had to depend on me. I would give him the chec booj so he could pay the bills he needed help with that. He finally received his green card and moved to Texas to start a better life for us so I thought. He has been dating women in Texas and hanging on the single line. He stated that conditions at my house caused him to loo at other women but now he regreats it. Although I dont by that I pray that your conditions in your household would not draw your husband to do the same. I here peaople say that is the norm with african men I now it doesn't have to be. How i am hurting i don't want anyone to go through that. I was told about this line for support for myself with people who to felt lie their marriage was not bonified

[Kanyiri 0]

I'm kinda late on this topic, but I just wanted to add that I've gone through my share of these things and every apprehension you have mentioned is normal. Just remember that no matter how many times you discuss things online or on the phone, it is never the same as encountering it in person.

If anyone needs to talk, feel free to PM me. My husband has been here for almost two years and we are doing very well. We have our moments, but we always come through them.

[taurean 0]

My SO is not here yet, but I'm reading up on this thread so I can be prepared...

I too work a whoooooole lot, and my honey and I have discussed that when he gets here, he probably won't be able to work. He has to take medical exams, and we decided its best that he not work until he pass them. I try to explain how things are here in the U.S. so he won't be totally shell-shocked when he gets here. I also explain to him that he's going to have to get used to me taking care of things financially until he gets on his feet. I told him to battle out all those pride issues before he gets here, because there really won't be much we can do to change that.

My question is....those of you that are experiencing transition issues with your SO....did you all talk about it before hand? When you decided to get married, and decided to have your SO migrate to the U.S., weren't these scenarios discussed? When I decided to get married, that's the first thing that popped in my head - my SO and his transition to a whole new country. I understand that talk and action are two totally different things - especially in marriage. But why wouldn't these things be discussed before hand?

I read someone's post where they mentioned being a mother figure to their husband who just arrived in U.S. -- uhhhh maybe that's not the best approach or analogy. Mothers have somewhat of an authoritative role....don't wanna come off that way to ur husband...u guys should be equals. If my fiance walked around acting like he was a father figure to me, I might get a bit defensive....but hey...what do I know...according to USCIS, he's nowhere near being here yet....

I wanted to respond to the issue raised above regarding becoming a "mother" figure to your fiance/spouse after he arrives in the US. I appreciate where the thought is coming from, but sometimes not becoming the mother figure is easier said than done. I really never thought I had it in me to "mother" anyone, let alone my husband. I even made a conscious effort NOT to play the mother role after he arrived. Talked to myself, GOD, friends extensively about the situation before hand. But guess what? All of what I was trying not to be came to the surface. It's a natural thing that happens when you are faced with helping someone you love dearly to adjust. I did feel I was doing everything for my husband down to the littlest things like ordering food in a restaurant and to be honest somedays I was just plain tired! However, I felt I had no choice at that time. There was nothing authoritative in my intent, but I swear the mothering instict just came out of nowhere!! And yes, I think the mothering gene sort of changed the dynamic of our relationship in the sense that I didn't see that same "capability" as I did when we met in his country and spent time there day to day. However, as time has gone on, and my husband has become more independent, my instict to mother him has lessened a lot. And the dynamic that was in place back at the beginning of our relationship has shifted back to the way it was.

In addition, we talked extensively about the situation of living in this country. While my husband appreciated the talks and probably soaked up a lot of what I was saying, the reality didn't set in for him until after he arrived. And still he needed to talk with some other Senegalese men who lived here to really understand how life here is different. Once he really looked at the situation here, cost of living, etc. and accepted it, then his entire outlook changed.

All I can say to those waiting for their SOs to arrive or those who are in the beginning stages, just be prepared for the unexpected. Nothing is going to be like you thought it would be, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. Just do all you can to make the adjustment as easy as possible. And hold on to your faith, it will make it easier to get through the tough times.

[ForeverAmen 0]

My sitution was similar my husband is Nigeran from Germany, he was in the states 6 months before we got together.

It was indeed a long depressing process because he had to stay home all day while i went to wor. He did none of the wonderful things your husband did for you my husband would stay up all night so I couldnt get any sleep then when it was time for me to get up he had an attitude because I was maing noise. He felt lie a child because he had to depend on me. I would give him the chec booj so he could pay the bills he needed help with that. He finally received his green card and moved to Texas to start a better life for us so I thought. He has been dating women in Texas and hanging on the single line. He stated that conditions at my house caused him to loo at other women but now he regreats it. Although I dont by that I pray that your conditions in your household would not draw your husband to do the same. I here peaople say that is the norm with african men I now it doesn't have to be. How i am hurting i don't want anyone to go through that. I was told about this line for support for myself with people who to felt lie their marriage was not bonified

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I've never been in your shoes, nor walked your path. But I am 100% sure that God is a comforter. And His word tells us that everything will work together for good.

Feel free to PM me.

Boaz

[JJWashington 0]

Well I am glad to read all these things. My fiance has been here a little over 2 weeks and we have had some ups and downs. The good definitely outweighs the bad!!! He doesn't really like alot of American food yet. I definitely feel like I am mothering him at times - but only at times. He is looking into medical training and has already had some job interviews. He applied for his SS card today. He actually located the office and drove there without any assistance from me which made me very proud. He is taking his Driver's test tomorrow. He has an International Driver's License, but wants a US Driver's License. There is alot of adjustment, but it is going okay...