One month anniversary

[MaRob 0]

Great Thread!! My honey is going to be here hopefully in a month, and we both are going into it with an understanding that we are putting God first in our marriage and relying on him to guide us. I am fortunate I think because my fiance has been in Germany and Europe for the past three years, so while he is still my big strong African man, he also has already been exposed to some western civilization and understands somewhat what it is going to be like. He is very understanding and responsible, and used to taking care of himself, and I am going to try very hard to not treat him like a child.

[LovinLiberia 0]

Very good thread. I will have to come back tonight and post when I am not working. OP, you hit the nail on the head!

[JJWashington 0]

I am so happy to read this post. My fiance has been here for 5 days and we are already facing adjustments. I am a single mother of 2 children ane we are not co-habitating until the wedding either. He is so patient with me, but I truly almost lost it yesterday because I just did not realize how much I was going to have to teach him. I work all day, take the kids to sports and then have to make dinner. The kids and I get home and he is hiding in his room in bed because he is cold. He comes downstairs and sits and makes it obvious he is waiting for me to cook dinner. I kept my comments to myself but we had a LOOONNG talk last night and I explained that if this was how my days would be, then I would probably not feel like having "alone" time with him. Today, he was totally different. He never gets angry at me and is the "calm in a storm." Thus, today i felt guilty. So, we are working thru these things as they arise......

[LovinLiberia 0]

I am so happy to read this post. My fiance has been here for 5 days and we are already facing adjustments. I am a single mother of 2 children ane we are not co-habitating until the wedding either. He is so patient with me, but I truly almost lost it yesterday because I just did not realize how much I was going to have to teach him. I work all day, take the kids to sports and then have to make dinner. The kids and I get home and he is hiding in his room in bed because he is cold. He comes downstairs and sits and makes it obvious he is waiting for me to cook dinner. I kept my comments to myself but we had a LOOONNG talk last night and I explained that if this was how my days would be, then I would probably not feel like having "alone" time with him. Today, he was totally different. He never gets angry at me and is the "calm in a storm." Thus, today i felt guilty. So, we are working thru these things as they arise......

Girl, we are in a similar boat. Once again, I am at work and cannot type, but I will, lol.

[Perseverance 1]

I dont know if I can do it...

I am tired of being the enemy, I am tired of being ignored, I dont think that this is an adjustment period, I just think that he doesnt like me, and I am sad.

[sibez 0]

Sounds like you're on the right track. Just continue to be supportive and know that God put him in your life for a reason.

Hello Everyone,

Tomorrow Sept. 16 will be 1 month that my fiance has been in the US. As I don't see a lot of posts about the trials and tribulations after they arrive, I decided to start a thread and be very honest. So, here I go:

I love my fiance with all my heart and I am so glad that he is here! I don't miss ordering calling cards, bad connections, waking up at 1, 2, or 3 a.m. because of the time difference there, and my heart breaking from not receiving daily hugs and kisses. Yet, it has been a major adjustment. I don't know if it is different when the fiance is a woman coming to the US. I think so because for a woman to depend on a man is natural, but I think it hurts a man's pride to be dependent on a woman, especially strong African men. I must say that I have a strong personality, but I am trying my best to adjust and not make him feel like a little kid, but how do you do that when you are responsible for teaching him about his new home. How do you explain clothing, respect issues, and other cultural aspects without coming off as being bossy ?

I have a job that is demanding. Basically, I take care of people and figure out how to fix/solve situations all day. Then, I come home and I'm responsible for someone else's needs all the way to the food they will consume. I don't like to worry about what I'm going to eat let alone another person . Yet, I signed up for this journey and I don't regret it. He gets mad at me, I get upset with him, He gets mad at me again and again and again you get the picture. I know this is par for the course. However, I wish I had a place where I lived where people in this situation got together and shared how they adjusted, but I don't so I'm coming here and hopefully my sharing will help me and someone else.

I thank God that I waited to the ripe old age of 34 to get married because I know what it takes to stand strong through disagreements, hurt feelings, anger, and impatience. We know how to say we are sorry, most of the time, and I just let it go. The bible is our guide and helps to keep us bonded and grounded. I focus on his wonderful qualities like how he comes into the garage when he hears me come home. He opens the car door and tells me "Your Welcome." He carries any bags I have, including my purse. He cleans the house, cuts the grass, and keeps his things nice and neat. He calls me 'Queen.' More importantly, he left everything that he has known to come be with me . Therefore, I pray for patience, guidance, an attitude adjustment, and the ability to be a good wife!

I wish you all success on your approvals and the continued adjustment to your SO !

[Ta Ta 1]

I dont know if I can do it...

I am tired of being the enemy, I am tired of being ignored, I dont think that this is an adjustment period, I just think that he doesnt like me, and I am sad.

Hang on and don't take it personal if he seems to be in his own world. The way African men relate to their woman is just not the same as we expect it.

Talk and communicate and be patient. Tell him what you need from him. Show him, yet give him space.

Remember back in Africa......how many couples did you see together being affectionate for example ? Usually you see just groups of men

or young couples that are just dating. Where were all the woman ? At home. The culture is so different when it comes to relating and it takes a lot of time and patience.

We are all supportive here and that is what you need so don't hesitate to lean on someone here for support.

You are welcome to PM if you need to.

God bless

[boo boo 1]

Personally, as a woman...I think sometimes we could have major mood swings...and confuse our SO's alittle (depending on the month). We also have those maternal instincts...loving, affectionate, and we love to be romanced and we LOVE attention. Where some men....are loving...but have a crazy way of showing it.

Right now...I feel alittle neglected...I work FT inside my home...then go to school a couple hrs..M-Thurs...have 2 school aged to take care of..I have a full plate. My hubby....goes to school 6 days a week plus works 20 hrs a week. He leaves the house before 8am and then doen't get home until 8:45pm...by the time he gets home...of course I give him some quiet time....but then it's bed time and I go to bed mad....I wake up in the morning mad ...everyday..same routine.

My point of view: Family should be #1 and he made the decission to go to school/work all the days/hours...and I am at peace w/ that...but devote alittle bit of time to me/kids....I feel very neglected.

His point of view: He is doing everything for a reason...to have a decent job and a better life for us. He wishes that I could just be understanding...he even went to the college counselor and explained everything. He is overwhelmed w/ school work and tests...and does not need me to be upset w/ him on top of it.

Outcome: I have prayed and came to peace w/ everything. I am trying to make his life alittle easier and have decided that I will support him and understand that this is a temporary situation for long term results. I will no longer take this personal....I will stand by him and sometimes make requests to have alittle free time together

Moral of the story: Stand by your man and make some lemonade w/ all the lemon's. It is nice when we all can share our stories and can really relate...because we are all in the same situation...just need the guidance and perserverance to over come all the obstacles that get in the way.

[Ta Ta 1]

Personally, as a woman...I think sometimes we could have major mood swings...and confuse our SO's alittle (depending on the month). We also have those maternal instincts...loving, affectionate, and we love to be romanced and we LOVE attention. Where some men....are loving...but have a crazy way of showing it.

Right now...I feel alittle neglected...I work FT inside my home...then go to school a couple hrs..M-Thurs...have 2 school aged to take care of..I have a full plate. My hubby....goes to school 6 days a week plus works 20 hrs a week. He leaves the house before 8am and then doen't get home until 8:45pm...by the time he gets home...of course I give him some quiet time....but then it's bed time and I go to bed mad....I wake up in the morning mad ...everyday..same routine.

My point of view: Family should be #1 and he made the decission to go to school/work all the days/hours...and I am at peace w/ that...but devote alittle bit of time to me/kids....I feel very neglected.

His point of view: He is doing everything for a reason...to have a decent job and a better life for us. He wishes that I could just be understanding...he even went to the college counselor and explained everything. He is overwhelmed w/ school work and tests...and does not need me to be upset w/ him on top of it.

Outcome: I have prayed and came to peace w/ everything. I am trying to make his life alittle easier and have decided that I will support him and understand that this is a temporary situation for long term results. I will no longer take this personal....I will stand by him and sometimes make requests to have alittle free time together

Moral of the story: Stand by your man and make some lemonade w/ all the lemon's. It is nice when we all can share our stories and can really relate...because we are all in the same situation...just need the guidance and perserverance to over come all the obstacles that get in the way.

That sounds like a great approach. Remember to make special 'couple' time for a few hours each week for just the two of you.

[ForeverAmen 0]

Personally, as a woman...I think sometimes we could have major mood swings...and confuse our SO's alittle (depending on the month). We also have those maternal instincts...loving, affectionate, and we love to be romanced and we LOVE attention. Where some men....are loving...but have a crazy way of showing it.

Right now...I feel alittle neglected...I work FT inside my home...then go to school a couple hrs..M-Thurs...have 2 school aged to take care of..I have a full plate. My hubby....goes to school 6 days a week plus works 20 hrs a week. He leaves the house before 8am and then doen't get home until 8:45pm...by the time he gets home...of course I give him some quiet time....but then it's bed time and I go to bed mad....I wake up in the morning mad ...everyday..same routine.

My point of view: Family should be #1 and he made the decission to go to school/work all the days/hours...and I am at peace w/ that...but devote alittle bit of time to me/kids....I feel very neglected.

His point of view: He is doing everything for a reason...to have a decent job and a better life for us. He wishes that I could just be understanding...he even went to the college counselor and explained everything. He is overwhelmed w/ school work and tests...and does not need me to be upset w/ him on top of it.

Outcome: I have prayed and came to peace w/ everything. I am trying to make his life alittle easier and have decided that I will support him and understand that this is a temporary situation for long term results. I will no longer take this personal....I will stand by him and sometimes make requests to have alittle free time together

Moral of the story: Stand by your man and make some lemonade w/ all the lemon's. It is nice when we all can share our stories and can really relate...because we are all in the same situation...just need the guidance and perserverance to over come all the obstacles that get in the way.

My husband is also in school, and works full time. However, we do not have any children. So I don't want to say that I can relate (because I'm not completely in your shoes), but I do understand your frustration.

As Omoba mentioned - be sure to make special 'couple' time. In addition may I suggest that you make some "me" time just for you. I believe as women we are naturally nurturing individuals. We always want to make sure that everyone else is taken care of. But sometimes we forget to take care of ourselves. Spend a few dollars, and a couple hours of your time by going out for a manicure/pedicure or at least a 30 minute massage. You are probably thinking - 'Boaz, easier said than done. You have no children, what do you know?' Yeah, yeah I know you are busy with the children, etc. but do try to make time just for you. In addition to the couple time mentioned earlier.

Take care.

Edited September 21, 2007 by Boaz

[ForeverAmen 0]

I dont know if I can do it...

I am tired of being the enemy, I am tired of being ignored, I dont think that this is an adjustment period, I just think that he doesnt like me, and I am sad.

Hang on and don't take it personal if he seems to be in his own world. The way African men relate to their woman is just not the same as we expect it.

Talk and communicate and be patient. Tell him what you need from him. Show him, yet give him space.

Remember back in Africa......how many couples did you see together being affectionate for example ? Usually you see just groups of men

or young couples that are just dating. Where were all the woman ? At home. The culture is so different when it comes to relating and it takes a lot of time and patience.

We are all supportive here and that is what you need so don't hesitate to lean on someone here for support.

You are welcome to PM if you need to.

God bless

I agree. Excellent advice!

[akatagirl 0]

I dont know if I can do it...

I am tired of being the enemy, I am tired of being ignored, I dont think that this is an adjustment period, I just think that he doesnt like me, and I am sad.

Heather,

I know exactly how you feel and I believe my hubby and I went through same exact feelings about each other the first few months that he was here...I didn't think we would weather through that stage but we have and I noticed right around the 3rd month things got better..I mean for everyone the timeline is different but just keep the faith that thing will get better...I can so relate to what everyone is saying about adjustment..The first few days that they arive are so wonderful but once it wears off, then sets in all these issues being discussed...I know the adjustment phrase is probably one of the roughest and there maybe times when you both want to call it quits...African men coming to the US and having to depend on their women for money and everything else is very hard for them to swallow at first and we as their number support system get fed up with being treated like the bad person..I think alot of it is for both of you to realize that neither of you are the enemy..its just a matter of them getting their bearings and adjusting to a whole new lifestyle, responsibilities and a new culture that they are clueless to. My hubby has been on his own and has lived outside of his native country for years (he's lived in various parts of Europe) and even for him adjusting to life in the USA is quite different than anywhere he's ever lived. Things between us got better when he got his driver's license and felt more comfortable with my family. I do think that once they are able to work and/or feel more independent being here, things will get better. A lot of getting through this adjustment phrase involves much communication, prayer and compromise. Men, African or not, are not always so quick to voice out their frustrations in the way that most women are. I remember many times, I felt like I got the brunt end of his frustrations because he had nooone or nowhere else to let them out. All I can say is thing do get better but both of you have to keep reminding each other that this too shall pass. I think for those of us that USC's we sometimes have to put aside momentarily not ignore of course, our hurt feelings in all this and be their cheerleaders at this time. We turned to the bible alot for guidance. I remember reminding my husband that while he is depending on me right now (which he really feels so uncomfortable with) that there will be times in our marriage that I will need to lean on him and need more of his help. I just reminded him that for now, he can depend on me while he adjusts to life here and gets the ideal job for himself, etc.

On a lighter note, teaching my man how to drive ( he's used to driving rules with pretty much everything being the opposite,) nearly drove us both over the edge!!!-but this story is another post that I will save for later!!!

[Adrians Mom 0]

My SO is not here yet, but I'm reading up on this thread so I can be prepared...

I too work a whoooooole lot, and my honey and I have discussed that when he gets here, he probably won't be able to work. He has to take medical exams, and we decided its best that he not work until he pass them. I try to explain how things are here in the U.S. so he won't be totally shell-shocked when he gets here. I also explain to him that he's going to have to get used to me taking care of things financially until he gets on his feet. I told him to battle out all those pride issues before he gets here, because there really won't be much we can do to change that.

My question is....those of you that are experiencing transition issues with your SO....did you all talk about it before hand? When you decided to get married, and decided to have your SO migrate to the U.S., weren't these scenarios discussed? When I decided to get married, that's the first thing that popped in my head - my SO and his transition to a whole new country. I understand that talk and action are two totally different things - especially in marriage. But why wouldn't these things be discussed before hand?

I read someone's post where they mentioned being a mother figure to their husband who just arrived in U.S. -- uhhhh maybe that's not the best approach or analogy. Mothers have somewhat of an authoritative role....don't wanna come off that way to ur husband...u guys should be equals. If my fiance walked around acting like he was a father figure to me, I might get a bit defensive....but hey...what do I know...according to USCIS, he's nowhere near being here yet....

[Ta Ta 1]

My SO is not here yet but we have known each other for 2 1/2 years now and these issues have been discussed.

My debt, my income, my lifestyle.........everything has been discussed. He knows he will sit here bored without work or a car

and knows things will be tough during the adjustment period. I will keep him busy with things around the house if he wants to tackle them.

I have introduced him per computer to my African friends and they are here for support and to lend an ear and he really is excited about

meeting them in person.

I am sure he will want to hang out with other males sometimes and talk with them. That way he won't feel such an overwhelming dependence on me.

But yes, all issues were and are being discussed.

[akatagirl 0]

My question is....those of you that are experiencing transition issues with your SO....did you all talk about it before hand? When you decided to get married, and decided to have your SO migrate to the U.S., weren't these scenarios discussed? When I decided to get married, that's the first thing that popped in my head - my SO and his transition to a whole new country. I understand that talk and action are two totally different things - especially in marriage. But why wouldn't these things be discussed before hand?

Yes my hubby and I discussed these issues at length both on the phone many times and even during the 2nd visit I had with him before he came him over here. So when these issues did arise, he and I both remembered these talks we had to prep ourselves for the rough spots but you are absolutely right that talkin about scenarios versus when those scenarios are played out in real life are very different. My hubby always tried to remain optimistic but the transition to life here was especially hard for us in ways that we did not anticipate. For us, it was hard at times trying to keep separate the frustration that we felt about the transition versus the little nuances we felt about each other because at times it just all meshed into one great big monster and we would end up arguing over it.. just the overall stress and frustration about this whole transition period was so hard to swallow at times but after each misunderstanding, I really do believe it brought more clarity from where this was coming from and brought us closer to one another.