One month anniversary

[NigerianLove 0]

Hello Everyone,

Tomorrow Sept. 16 will be 1 month that my fiance has been in the US. As I don't see a lot of posts about the trials and tribulations after they arrive, I decided to start a thread and be very honest. So, here I go:

I love my fiance with all my heart and I am so glad that he is here! I don't miss ordering calling cards, bad connections, waking up at 1, 2, or 3 a.m. because of the time difference there, and my heart breaking from not receiving daily hugs and kisses. Yet, it has been a major adjustment. I don't know if it is different when the fiance is a woman coming to the US. I think so because for a woman to depend on a man is natural, but I think it hurts a man's pride to be dependent on a woman, especially strong African men. I must say that I have a strong personality, but I am trying my best to adjust and not make him feel like a little kid, but how do you do that when you are responsible for teaching him about his new home. How do you explain clothing, respect issues, and other cultural aspects without coming off as being bossy ?

I have a job that is demanding. Basically, I take care of people and figure out how to fix/solve situations all day. Then, I come home and I'm responsible for someone else's needs all the way to the food they will consume. I don't like to worry about what I'm going to eat let alone another person . Yet, I signed up for this journey and I don't regret it. He gets mad at me, I get upset with him, He gets mad at me again and again and again you get the picture. I know this is par for the course. However, I wish I had a place where I lived where people in this situation got together and shared how they adjusted, but I don't so I'm coming here and hopefully my sharing will help me and someone else.

I thank God that I waited to the ripe old age of 34 to get married because I know what it takes to stand strong through disagreements, hurt feelings, anger, and impatience. We know how to say we are sorry, most of the time, and I just let it go. The bible is our guide and helps to keep us bonded and grounded. I focus on his wonderful qualities like how he comes into the garage when he hears me come home. He opens the car door and tells me "Your Welcome." He carries any bags I have, including my purse. He cleans the house, cuts the grass, and keeps his things nice and neat. He calls me 'Queen.' More importantly, he left everything that he has known to come be with me . Therefore, I pray for patience, guidance, an attitude adjustment, and the ability to be a good wife!

I wish you all success on your approvals and the continued adjustment to your SO !

[Ta Ta 1]

I always enjoy these adjustment topics, we have another neat one floating around somewhere in sub-saharan, I need to find it and bump it, we talked about having a meeting as a group in there. I agree support would be very beneficial, to see how other couples cope.

Unfortunately I can not add my 2 cents yet because my baby is still not here yet but at least I can read and learn when my time comes.

I would say teaching with respect and not in a condescending tone is important. Just think about the things he had to teach you about the different culture and way of live in Africa.

I remember I didn't do a very good job scrubbing my clothes in a bucket with a bar of soap so my fiance just said here let me do that and of course

he did a much better job than I could have. He taught me about things over there, how to crush peppers and so on.

I myself anticipate more cultural misunderstandings during communication more than anything else.

I hear that after the initial " honeymoon period " some depression and irritability may set in with the realization that this will be permanent.

I so agree with inviting God into the marriage and not just to the wedding Sounds like you have found a true gift from God with your man.

I wish you the best.

[ForeverAmen 0]

NigerianLove,

Do I know you from somewhere?!?! Your posting is almost an exact replica of what I too have gone through! Wow!

OK. Now that I am almost over the shock (seriously, a lot of what you stated really is a duplicate of things I've gone through) I wish to share a few things with you.

My husband has been here for one year and 8 months. Like yourself, I too love my husband dearly, and often times whisper a prayer of thanks for such a wonderful blessing. Even when things start to turn upside down, I am still thankful. But even with the best of thoughts in mind, we must take into consideration that two lives are now becoming one. So ... how does a 30+, career oriented woman deal with this strong African man she's been blessed with?!?!?

1. Build him up every moment you can. For example: instead of paying bills on line, and pulling out the money for the grocery - give him the responsibility of taking care of such matters. When my husband arrived, I would give him a wad of cash to take care of the household expenses. To this day I don't know if he was excited about seeing the money, or feeling empowered to make sure things are being taken care of. In either case he quickly learned the concept of how easily money diminishes when bills are needing to be paid. And it also makes him feel like "HE" is the big man on campus when we approach the counter and grocery, movie tickets, etc., etc. needs to be paid for. Even to this day - I don't even reach for my purse, because he likes feeling like he's taking care of things.

2. Watch your tone of voice! Personally I am a get to the point, and tell the whole truth type of girl. So far this way of thinking has proven to be successfull (career wise), but when you are home with you man .... try, try, t-r-y to soften things a bit. He already does not have a job, don't know his way around, and does not have friends and family nearby (we live in a small southern town). You are indeed all he's got. So instead of telling him what to do ... ask him what does he think, or how does he suggest something gets done? This puts the burden on his shoulders (makes him feel empowered), and it may start to challenge his thought process as to how things are done here. By the way, sometimes when he refuses to answer a question, and trys to put the ball back in your court, it may be his 'manly' way of acknowledging that he does not know how, or what to do.

3. I have so much more to say, but I will end this post with the following:

Make God and central part of your relationship. NOTE: There is a difference between each of you having God in your lifes individually, versus collectively as a couple. I think one of the best things for my marriage was having premarital counseling. Our sessions were not totally about whether we were right for each other, but mainly are we prepared to do things God's way. For example: when you are frustrated when him, and want to scream at the top of your lungs, I challenge you to review Proverbs 31 and see if that's how God really wants you to be; also - when he is struggling with adjusting to life here (food, environment, etc., etc.) provide him with the reassurance that God have and always will make a way. The Bible is our guide for everything.

Like I mentioned earlier, I could say a whole lot more, but for now I will end it here (sorry for such a long post). But as you stated earlier "this is a journey you signed up for." So be appreciate for the 'little' things he does that makes it worth while.

I wish you and everyone else the best!

Boaz

[Iyawo 0]

This is an awesome thread!!! My husband leaves Nigeria today and we will be reunited on 9/17. This topic is a major concern for me, because I know that he will be like a fish out of water here initially. I've tried to prepare him as much as I could verbally, but seeing is believing and I know that he will have to experience American life for himself. That being said, I have been preparing myself for taking on the role of "mother" (and I hate to say that) but, it's essentially what I will be doing. We are both praying that God leads us through the beginning of this marriage. We have been married for 1 year and 7 months, but the marriage will truly begin when he steps foot in this house with me. I think it will help to have the support of other people who are dealing with the same issues. I will make sure to keep updates on how we are progressing.

Tiana

[NigerianLove 0]

Boaz,

Thanks so much for your words of wisdom. I too am a get to the point and tell the truth girl . I like the idea of him having cash and paying for things in the store. He doesn't look at prices. For example, we went to a special market to find foods from his country. He gets what he needs. I go off and explore the store and let him do his thing. I come back to the cart and he has some type of fish in the cart. I asked him if the fish was used in a special dish that they prepared at home. He said no that he liked the way it looked so he knew he would like it. I thought I would lose my mind, but I didn't say a word. I simply stated that we are on a budget and that it cost $11 which was a lot in light of everything else that we needed to buy. He picked up some other items that he didn't know the price. I tried to explain to him that I look at prices and compare them, but he just got upset and started sucking his teeth (this drives me nuts because teenagers do this). So, you are right. I'm going to give him cash when we go shopping and tell him that's all we have to spend and let him do the shopping. He already understands about the bills. He's amazed at the taxes we have to pay and that we have to tip the waitress .

I am fortunate because we share the same religious beliefs, which is why the bond is so strong. Maybe the men are different in Cameroon, but my fiance would never sit through premarital counseling! Shoot, I hope he doesn't read this because he gets on this site . Please feel free to send me a PM.

NigerianLove,

Do I know you from somewhere?!?! Your posting is almost an exact replica of what I too have gone through! Wow!

OK. Now that I am almost over the shock (seriously, a lot of what you stated really is a duplicate of things I've gone through) I wish to share a few things with you.

My husband has been here for one year and 8 months. Like yourself, I too love my husband dearly, and often times whisper a prayer of thanks for such a wonderful blessing. Even when things start to turn upside down, I am still thankful. But even with the best of thoughts in mind, we must take into consideration that two lives are now becoming one. So ... how does a 30+, career oriented woman deal with this strong African man she's been blessed with?!?!?

1. Build him up every moment you can. For example: instead of paying bills on line, and pulling out the money for the grocery - give him the responsibility of taking care of such matters. When my husband arrived, I would give him a wad of cash to take care of the household expenses. To this day I don't know if he was excited about seeing the money, or feeling empowered to make sure things are being taken care of. In either case he quickly learned the concept of how easily money diminishes when bills are needing to be paid. And it also makes him feel like "HE" is the big man on campus when we approach the counter and grocery, movie tickets, etc., etc. needs to be paid for. Even to this day - I don't even reach for my purse, because he likes feeling like he's taking care of things.

2. Watch your tone of voice! Personally I am a get to the point, and tell the whole truth type of girl. So far this way of thinking has proven to be successfull (career wise), but when you are home with you man .... try, try, t-r-y to soften things a bit. He already does not have a job, don't know his way around, and does not have friends and family nearby (we live in a small southern town). You are indeed all he's got. So instead of telling him what to do ... ask him what does he think, or how does he suggest something gets done? This puts the burden on his shoulders (makes him feel empowered), and it may start to challenge his thought process as to how things are done here. By the way, sometimes when he refuses to answer a question, and trys to put the ball back in your court, it may be his 'manly' way of acknowledging that he does not know how, or what to do.

3. I have so much more to say, but I will end this post with the following:

Make God and central part of your relationship. NOTE: There is a difference between each of you having God in your lifes individually, versus collectively as a couple. I think one of the best things for my marriage was having premarital counseling. Our sessions were not totally about whether we were right for each other, but mainly are we prepared to do things God's way. For example: when you are frustrated when him, and want to scream at the top of your lungs, I challenge you to review Proverbs 31 and see if that's how God really wants you to be; also - when he is struggling with adjusting to life here (food, environment, etc., etc.) provide him with the reassurance that God have and always will make a way. The Bible is our guide for everything.

Like I mentioned earlier, I could say a whole lot more, but for now I will end it here (sorry for such a long post). But as you stated earlier "this is a journey you signed up for." So be appreciate for the 'little' things he does that makes it worth while.

I wish you and everyone else the best!

Boaz

[NigerianLove 0]

Iyawo,

Girl, you hit the nail on the head! It is exactly like being a mother, which I don't want to do and is probably why he feels like a kid sometime. Dang, how do you balance that when it is like a kid that you are teaching everything. I wish he was self-sufficient because it would make my job easier and cut down on 90% of the arguments. I mean he was daddy when I was over there visiting and I accepted it. Actually, I appreciated it. As career-oriented as I am, I loved depending on him! But he is a man and it is totally different. Sometimes, I want to him and sometimes I want to him on the head, but that's still my baby!

Boaz,

Thanks so much for your words of wisdom. I too am a get to the point and tell the truth girl . I like the idea of him having cash and paying for things in the store. He doesn't look at prices. For example, we went to a special market to find foods from his country. He gets what he needs. I go off and explore the store and let him do his thing. I come back to the cart and he has some type of fish in the cart. I asked him if the fish was used in a special dish that they prepared at home. He said no that he liked the way it looked so he knew he would like it. I thought I would lose my mind, but I didn't say a word. I simply stated that we are on a budget and that it cost $11 which was a lot in light of everything else that we needed to buy. He picked up some other items that he didn't know the price. I tried to explain to him that I look at prices and compare them, but he just got upset and started sucking his teeth (this drives me nuts because teenagers do this). So, you are right. I'm going to give him cash when we go shopping and tell him that's all we have to spend and let him do the shopping. He already understands about the bills. He's amazed at the taxes we have to pay and that we have to tip the waitress .

I am fortunate because we share the same religious beliefs, which is why the bond is so strong. Maybe the men are different in Cameroon, but my fiance would never sit through premarital counseling! Shoot, I hope he doesn't read this because he gets on this site . Please feel free to send me a PM.

NigerianLove,

Do I know you from somewhere?!?! Your posting is almost an exact replica of what I too have gone through! Wow!

OK. Now that I am almost over the shock (seriously, a lot of what you stated really is a duplicate of things I've gone through) I wish to share a few things with you.

My husband has been here for one year and 8 months. Like yourself, I too love my husband dearly, and often times whisper a prayer of thanks for such a wonderful blessing. Even when things start to turn upside down, I am still thankful. But even with the best of thoughts in mind, we must take into consideration that two lives are now becoming one. So ... how does a 30+, career oriented woman deal with this strong African man she's been blessed with?!?!?

1. Build him up every moment you can. For example: instead of paying bills on line, and pulling out the money for the grocery - give him the responsibility of taking care of such matters. When my husband arrived, I would give him a wad of cash to take care of the household expenses. To this day I don't know if he was excited about seeing the money, or feeling empowered to make sure things are being taken care of. In either case he quickly learned the concept of how easily money diminishes when bills are needing to be paid. And it also makes him feel like "HE" is the big man on campus when we approach the counter and grocery, movie tickets, etc., etc. needs to be paid for. Even to this day - I don't even reach for my purse, because he likes feeling like he's taking care of things.

2. Watch your tone of voice! Personally I am a get to the point, and tell the whole truth type of girl. So far this way of thinking has proven to be successfull (career wise), but when you are home with you man .... try, try, t-r-y to soften things a bit. He already does not have a job, don't know his way around, and does not have friends and family nearby (we live in a small southern town). You are indeed all he's got. So instead of telling him what to do ... ask him what does he think, or how does he suggest something gets done? This puts the burden on his shoulders (makes him feel empowered), and it may start to challenge his thought process as to how things are done here. By the way, sometimes when he refuses to answer a question, and trys to put the ball back in your court, it may be his 'manly' way of acknowledging that he does not know how, or what to do.

3. I have so much more to say, but I will end this post with the following:

Make God and central part of your relationship. NOTE: There is a difference between each of you having God in your lifes individually, versus collectively as a couple. I think one of the best things for my marriage was having premarital counseling. Our sessions were not totally about whether we were right for each other, but mainly are we prepared to do things God's way. For example: when you are frustrated when him, and want to scream at the top of your lungs, I challenge you to review Proverbs 31 and see if that's how God really wants you to be; also - when he is struggling with adjusting to life here (food, environment, etc., etc.) provide him with the reassurance that God have and always will make a way. The Bible is our guide for everything.

Like I mentioned earlier, I could say a whole lot more, but for now I will end it here (sorry for such a long post). But as you stated earlier "this is a journey you signed up for." So be appreciate for the 'little' things he does that makes it worth while.

I wish you and everyone else the best!

Boaz

[Perseverance 1]

Things for us got better after he got a job. I feel horrible about the arguments that we have had over things that simply could have been avoided with more disscusion. I was a single mom for a long time working 2 jobs to get things taken care of and meet income requirements to get him here. I am used to doing everything by myself. My Husband is a VERY PROUD man, and would never take money that I handed over, he would not even like it for me to buy him things, he wants to take care of everything, and was frusterated when he could do nothing but sit by and watch me do it. It is amazing what a J-O-B will do! He is much easier to live with now. We are also moving in a few weeks to a larger home that we have picked out together, I am hoping that he will feel like the new home is more his than the place we are in now. I remind myself how hard it was to get him here, and how my heartached when he was not here and that helps to put things in perspective. I love my husband more than what I could ever measure, but I would be lying if I said there were no harsh words, or bitter feelings between us since he arrived in February. I wish none of them ever happened but you can't take them back, you can only learn from them and move forward. Remember that except for us they are alone in this country, that however grand we may think it is, it is not thiers, and at times they may only have us to understand and help them through the transition.

I wish that we comunicated to each other more in this forum about these sort of things, it helps to know that others are going through the same things. Sometimes I feel very alone and like the "bad guy" most of the time. I know that personaly I dont post much especially about something that may be seen as negative because there are people here from time to time that like to Nigerian bash, and jump on the scammer band wagon, which only further upsets me. I know none of those things are my husband and I dont want to add fuel to anyones fire. I hope that all of this rambling makes sense to somebody and helps them through what may be a rough time.

[Jasman0717 9]

working on a relationship is just about the most difficult thing I have ever done and being with Claudeth is no different. I can say one thing, looking back at the two plus years she has been here has just been wonderful. I hope you continue your adjustments and continue sharing your progress with us.

[ForeverAmen 0]

working on a relationship is just about the most difficult thing I have ever done and being with Claudeth is no different. I can say one thing, looking back at the two plus years she has been here has just been wonderful. I hope you continue your adjustments and continue sharing your progress with us.

I agree ... working on a relationship is a challenge. No one's individual situation is perfect. But both parties must be willing to try. Like Heather & Justice stated - I wish some of the things I said were never said. Believe me when I say that there have been times in which I showed out so bad, I just knew he would never come back home, or ever speak to me again (but thank God for mercy). Nevertheless, I do feel bad, but I've learned to forgive myself and focus on what God really desires.

I love this post! I wish we all lived nearby ......

Boaz

[Queen Jenn 0]

THANK YOU for posting this topic. Things have been slow for us and we STILL haven't submitted our paperwork yet, but this is SUCH VALUABLE information!!! I wish you all the best in adjusting to your new togetherness.

[Perseverance 1]

[

I love this post! I wish we all lived nearby ......

Boaz

I wish we all lived nearby as well, it is nice to know that we all have simular challenges. I dont mind PMs ...

[Zee Bee 61]

Thanks everyone for posting your experiences. Our package left NVC last week and as excited as I am, I am also kind of apprehensive about the whole adjustment when he gets here. I know all too well how African men can be and I just hope that I have the patience and perseverance to manage as al of you have.

Now I know a little about what to expect.

I hope to be posting my own adjustment trials, tribulations and triumphs soon

Zee

[Radical Lover 0]

I am so thankful for this post! Of course we all love our partners tremendously, but it is important to acknowledge that love is a battle, a beautiful one. as nana's arrival date approaches, I find myself excited, anxious, and also NERVOUS! he is an African man with a lot of PRIDE and he really likes to be the caretaker. Thus, I know it will not be easy for him to have to adjust to a new country as well as a new culture. I myself, am very strong-minded and naturally a tough ###! haha. so I'm already prepping myself to be as understanding and as considerate as possible. I moved into a larger apartment a few months ago, so that Nana and I would have a lot of space and the opportunity to have some "individual" space whenever needed. Even when decorating the apt, I tried to leave some things undecorated, so that he can have a say when he arrives. I don't want him to feel bombarded by everything being "me, me me!" so yeah, I get scared too. I am sooo happy to have this forum and I think it is important to have these threads! Let us never fail to keep up discussion!

I will definitely keep you all updated with adjustment, etc.

PEACE AND LOVE!!!

[NigerianLove 0]

My SO and I currently do not cohabitate and we won't until after we get married. My sister and my niece moved in with me for a couple of months which I thought would be wonderful for my SO to really get to know them. It's been okay so far, except yesterday she said something that offended him and he got mad at me and I was like , what did I do? Dang, even God rested on Sunday. Anyway, one of the key points that everyone keeps saying is that African men have a lot of PRIDE. Thank goodness I have a high tolerance level! I can't wait for him to start working and being independent so he can stop telling me I treat him like a boy. I think once he is independent, he will feel valued. Right now, we are at a truce. We'll see how long it lasts.

I am so thankful for this post! Of course we all love our partners tremendously, but it is important to acknowledge that love is a battle, a beautiful one. as nana's arrival date approaches, I find myself excited, anxious, and also NERVOUS! he is an African man with a lot of PRIDE and he really likes to be the caretaker. Thus, I know it will not be easy for him to have to adjust to a new country as well as a new culture. I myself, am very strong-minded and naturally a tough ###! haha. so I'm already prepping myself to be as understanding and as considerate as possible. I moved into a larger apartment a few months ago, so that Nana and I would have a lot of space and the opportunity to have some "individual" space whenever needed. Even when decorating the apt, I tried to leave some things undecorated, so that he can have a say when he arrives. I don't want him to feel bombarded by everything being "me, me me!" so yeah, I get scared too. I am sooo happy to have this forum and I think it is important to have these threads! Let us never fail to keep up discussion!

I will definitely keep you all updated with adjustment, etc.

PEACE AND LOVE!!!

[discerned1 0]

I too am happy that you have posted this thread Nigerianlove. You are right by making the Bible the aspect of your home. That's great. As Boaz said, Proverbs 31 is a great passage of scripture. I read other passages in the bible as well such as Ephesians and Matthew in regards to husband and wife relations.

I am also a very independent person. I've been by myself for so long and now that the reality of being with a husband is coming soon, I am becoming very afraid I mean, I know that he is THE ONE. I just got to get into the habit of having a husband in my "realm". Actually, it is getting kinda scary. To be with someone for the rest of your life is...wow! I guess, that is why I've been so overly anxious and worried these few weeks before his interview. I believe it's not the part of him being approved or not, but it is the part where he would eventually be here and we have to prepare ourselves to be M-A-R-R-I-E-D! Shucks, I am just so used to being on my own. I am used to having unwashed dishes in the sink til the next day. I am used to kicking off my shoes and leaving them in the middle of the hallway floor all day. I am used to having my work and school paper lying around the house. I am used to forgetting to screw the toothpaste cap on my toothpaste, ha!

However, there are pros to the whole situation too. I live in the midwest and we sometimes get a smorgasboard of snow here in winter. I would have help in shoveling snow. He can cut the grass and take the garbage to the curb every Friday morning. Hey, those are manly things arent they? I try not to bruise his ego at all. I don't talk down to him. Not only African men, but men in general, ego can be bruised easily. Their egos liked to be stroked sometime. I always tell my guy how intricate he is when it comes to working with tedious objects. I give him pet names and he seems to purr like a lion when I give him those sweet pet names.

In order to get over the fact of being independent, I am preparing myself to be a wife and a virtuous woman for my husband. I want to make the Lord the rock of our marriage. Lord willing, when he get here, I want us to paint the living room together in the color that we want it. I told him that he will learn how to drive when he get here as well. He's been wanting to learn for the longest. That way he will be able to go places and be my chauffeur too. I once told him that I'm glad that he didn't learn to drive in Nigeria because he would pass on the prohibited driving techniques here in this State. It may crazy, but I don't want him to be too Americanized. I just want him to be his same sweet self, with the adjustment of just being in America.

Have you ever had a cat where you'd get another one for the first cat, but the first cat already knew that he was king of the castle. The first cat would get upset when another one would try to take over. That is how I am. I like my freedom. That is going to have to come to an end eventually. My friend said that I have to come out of my comfort zone, and SOON! Lord knows I want to be married, but I just gotta get out of the dogon comfort zone. I am getting better.