Mena Divorce

[deemabrouk 0]

this sounds too familiar

Then Deemabrouk will you divorce your husband? What did you ever decide to do? I have never felt better after leaving my abusive husband.

For now I am taking one day at a time..... This is all i can handle.

What do you mean this is all you can handle? Why would you subject your children to such a relationship? I think that's really sad. Do you really think he's going to change 100%?

right now.. he is out the house and we are back in it SO obviously i DIDNT want to subject my kids to anymore thank you. .. and I am focusing ALL MY ATTENTION to getting my kids back to their norm.. and getting my head straight..

I never said i think he will change.. cause this IS the issue.. i dont think he will..

BUT getting my kids and me back on track is more important than instantly demanding a divorce... thats a whole new pile of poop i'll deal with in the future.. for now my plate is Full trying to fix the immediate mess

[doodlebug 3]

this sounds too familiar

Then Deemabrouk will you divorce your husband? What did you ever decide to do? I have never felt better after leaving my abusive husband.

For now I am taking one day at a time..... This is all i can handle.

What do you mean this is all you can handle? Why would you subject your children to such a relationship? I think that's really sad. Do you really think he's going to change 100%?

wow talk about jumping to conclusions and passing judgement all in one post!

this sounds too familiar

Then Deemabrouk will you divorce your husband? What did you ever decide to do? I have never felt better after leaving my abusive husband.

For now I am taking one day at a time..... This is all i can handle.

What do you mean this is all you can handle? Why would you subject your children to such a relationship? I think that's really sad. Do you really think he's going to change 100%?

right now.. he is out the house and we are back in it SO obviously i DIDNT want to subject my kids to anymore thank you. .. and I am focusing ALL MY ATTENTION to getting my kids back to their norm.. and getting my head straight..

I never said i think he will change.. cause this IS the issue.. i dont think he will..

BUT getting my kids and me back on track is more important than instantly demanding a divorce... thats a whole new pile of poop i'll deal with in the future.. for now my plate is Full trying to fix the immediate mess

You are doing exactly what you should be doing and I totally take my hat off to you sister! Divorce is not something to focus on right now. You've changed the locks, kicked him out and are focusing on the kids and that is all anyone can do. I admire your strength and courage and challenge anyone who judges you to spend ONE day in your shoes.

[AichaKandisha 0]

I think depression is playing a big part in this. He seems to have given up on ever getting the visa and being able to immigrate here. It has been almost 2 months since he last heard from the embassy and still no good word from them.

This is my BIG concern. If he is depressed it should be because you two are apart. It seems like this is all about the visa & immigrating here, which is not good IMO.

I kind of agree. My husband never talks about the visa unless I bring it up. It's almost an afterthought since he's so busy with his life there. Not saying he's definitely in it for the visa but just something to keep on the back burner you know?

I see it a little differntly. I think Tammy's husband's focus could appear to be on the visa, but the reality is what the visa means. The visa process is keepig him from his family , from carrying out his responsibility as a husband and father. so while he says visa, he might be thinking something else.

If he is prone to depression, think about how much more difficult it is not to have the day to day imitate support of your wife and family. Depression means our thinking is clouded. The visa may symbolize a lof of things to him not only the ticket to come here.

While this is true in many situations, I don't believe it to be true in this one. I have told Tammy my concerns based on extensive conversations I have had with her. We talked about all the possibilities and the depression being one of them. However even if a person is prone to being depressed it doesnt make it ok to shun your loved ones away. How a person deals with depression and hard times in their life says alot about that person.

Tammy is also going though her own depression and so are her kids. Times like this, and him being the adult, he should also be supportive that family that he is waiting to be reunited with, especially the kids. I know everyone deals with depression differently but this is also somehting that can weigh heavily on their marriage, now and later.

you say that you've talked to this person, and as such have a good deal more insight into what's going on than just someone casually reading the thread, like myself. but the mental health advocate in me has to protest some of the other things you mention here. depression is an illness, and like other illnesses how one deals and reacts to it is often not a matter of "personal choice", no more than "personal choice" enters into how one's body responds to getting diabetes or heart disease. they can no more snap themselves out of it than diabetics or people with heart disease can just snap out of it. being an adult has nothing to do with it either-you don't reach a certain age and magically acquire new skills for coping with malignant alterations in brain chemistry. it just doesn't work that way. i doubt this man thinks it's ok either to shun his loved ones away, but this illness can rob him of his choice to not do that. oftentimes depression manifests itself differently in men than in women, and many start exhibiting very anti-social and sometimes even hostile behaviour. yr right that depression is something that can weigh heavily on their's or anyone else's marriage-most illnesses are major stressors on a marriage. the situation all around sucks. i don't know what things are like in jordan, but this country does a horribly inadequate job in assisting and promoting mental health. they both have their work cut out for them.

Ok and you are further proving my point which I would definitly think twice before exposing my children to such a person. I never said it was a matter of personal choice or that it wasn't an illness. I totally agree with everything you just said however I wouldn't want to get married to someone like that because it woud affect our marriage and my children (if I had any).

In Jordan they don't really believe in anything called "mental health" or "depression". My only point was if a person is going to be that extreme in their depression, then you should think twice about it because depression can hit at any time.

so what, abandoning illness stricken loved ones is far nobler? no therepeutic intervention whatsoever? medications, therapy-what, they don't exist as possibilities?

I'm not saying it isn't a possibility but when you have kids involved its a whole other ballgame. Depression can be dangerous and you have to think of the welfare of your children first.

I agree that the children should always be thought of first in all situations. However, I would like to say that I have personally dealt with depression for the majority of my life. Nearly everyone in my family has depression. I don't take that as an excuse to give up and just accept that I will be always like them the rest of my life. I choose to take the actions that are needed to thrive despite it. Also, nearly everyone at some point in their lives, experience depression. I certainly think that experiencing something as grueling as the immigration process, could be one of those times for some people to feel depression. That doesn't necessarily mean that they will continue to be depressed the rest of their lives.

I have been complimented on my parenting abilities quite often as a mother; even with depression. So I wouldn't assume that because someone is depressed or experiencing depression at this point in time, automatically means that children will be in danger in his/her presence or affected negatively by him/her.

The fact that he is depressed right now shouldn't be the one and only deciding factor about whether or not he would be a good husband or father, IMO. How he deals with his depression and his behavior during the depression would be something that should be more closely monitored. If he deals with it by being abusive in any way, violent, drinking, drugs, etc., then I would have second thoughts.

People react differently to different things and experiences. If they experience depression, it doesn't automatically mean they are 'damaged goods'. Thank God, or else I'd be one great big damaged good.

[moon1968 0]

Hello,

I dont know much about your Situation.....But from what I have read the problem is not that you dont love each other but rather the distance that is between you......Yes it is very hard to be with out each other....The time apart is full of ups and downs (Mostly Downs).....However if you truely love each other as a wife loves a husband and a husband loves a wife then why think about Divorce????? If you just hang on a little longer you might find that its just right around the corner that you and him will be together......In the mean time......You can be a very big support to him and He to you......Just by expressing how much you love each other and that you will be here waiting for him.......And he will wait for you.......In the end if it is truely love that you to have for each other not only will your relationship be stronger for it but also your love and commitment to each other will become unbreakable.........those are just my thoughts ........I hope you make the right choice for you......Take care ......

[deemabrouk 0]

this sounds too familiar

Then Deemabrouk will you divorce your husband? What did you ever decide to do? I have never felt better after leaving my abusive husband.

For now I am taking one day at a time..... This is all i can handle.

What do you mean this is all you can handle? Why would you subject your children to such a relationship? I think that's really sad. Do you really think he's going to change 100%?

wow talk about jumping to conclusions and passing judgement all in one post!

this sounds too familiar

Then Deemabrouk will you divorce your husband? What did you ever decide to do? I have never felt better after leaving my abusive husband.

For now I am taking one day at a time..... This is all i can handle.

What do you mean this is all you can handle? Why would you subject your children to such a relationship? I think that's really sad. Do you really think he's going to change 100%?

right now.. he is out the house and we are back in it SO obviously i DIDNT want to subject my kids to anymore thank you. .. and I am focusing ALL MY ATTENTION to getting my kids back to their norm.. and getting my head straight..

I never said i think he will change.. cause this IS the issue.. i dont think he will..

BUT getting my kids and me back on track is more important than instantly demanding a divorce... thats a whole new pile of poop i'll deal with in the future.. for now my plate is Full trying to fix the immediate mess

You are doing exactly what you should be doing and I totally take my hat off to you sister! Divorce is not something to focus on right now. You've changed the locks, kicked him out and are focusing on the kids and that is all anyone can do. I admire your strength and courage and challenge anyone who judges you to spend ONE day in your shoes.

thanks doodle

[aya*abouelnasr 0]

I totally agree. Tho we may post things on here that people can speculate on, give advise as to what they would do, critisize, it is only you that can make the final decision. Getting everything on an even keel is a good way to start. I am glad that you did not lose yourself in the struggles that you have faced in the recent past. One day at a time is all that we can live, the past is done with and tomorrow may never come. Take care of yourself and your children, that is the best advice that anyone can give.

[sarah and hicham 3]

Tammy- How can you say you have not been a good wife to him? I think that everyone in a long distance relationship knows from the get go that they won't be able to cook every night or sit together because that is something that comes with a long distance relationship- DISTANCE. As you said you have a responsibility to your children. Doesn't your husband know and understand that? I hope he understand that. I would like to think that if I had kids and if I also had a long distance relationship then I would make it very clear who comes first.

I just don't think you should say you haven't been a good wife. Waiting and being apart is how a long distance relationship works.

[sarah and hicham 3]

this sounds too familiar

Then Deemabrouk will you divorce your husband? What did you ever decide to do? I have never felt better after leaving my abusive husband.

For now I am taking one day at a time..... This is all i can handle.

What do you mean this is all you can handle? Why would you subject your children to such a relationship? I think that's really sad. Do you really think he's going to change 100%?

right now.. he is out the house and we are back in it SO obviously i DIDNT want to subject my kids to anymore thank you. .. and I am focusing ALL MY ATTENTION to getting my kids back to their norm.. and getting my head straight..

I never said i think he will change.. cause this IS the issue.. i dont think he will..

BUT getting my kids and me back on track is more important than instantly demanding a divorce... thats a whole new pile of poop i'll deal with in the future.. for now my plate is Full trying to fix the immediate mess

I am not judging you or jumping to conclusions in any way. I have read every single one of your posts about your husband. Good for you for changing the locks.

[AichaKandisha 0]

Dee:

Ditto to what Doodle said. You are a far more stronger person to have experienced what you have experienced and continue to experience. You will have the ability to console another and have compassion for another that may need your help on down the road that is going through what you've been through.

[deemabrouk 0]

Dee:

Ditto to what Doodle said. You are a far more stronger person to have experienced what you have experienced and continue to experience. You will have the ability to console another and have compassion for another that may need your help on down the road that is going through what you've been through.

lol.. are you sure your thinking of the right person??

[♥JP♥ 5]

There are a couple things I want to say here. First of in regards to Tammy's situation, I was speaking in general about depression and what I said was not about her husband. I don't know that he has an illness or is dangerous or any of those things. I DO believe she has her kids interest at heart and I will support her regardless of her decision. I could say more to explain why I feel this way but I don't won't elaborate since the conversations we had were private.

Secondly, I think Dee is doing the best she can in her situation. Its not as simple as running to the nearest divorce attorney. The fact that her and her children are back at home right now and he is out shows what a strong person she is and that she does have her children's interests at heart.

Its really easy for people to tell others what to do in their situations but until you have walked a mile in their shoes you can't really know what they are going through. I went through a very bad abusive marriage. I should have gotten out sooner than I did, but sometimes things are just not that simple. If you have not been through an abusive relationship, consider it a blessing but please don't judge those who have or are in one.

[AichaKandisha 0]

Dee:

Ditto to what Doodle said. You are a far more stronger person to have experienced what you have experienced and continue to experience. You will have the ability to console another and have compassion for another that may need your help on down the road that is going through what you've been through.

lol.. are you sure your thinking of the right person??

YOU are exactly the person that I'm thinking of! NO ONE goes through what you've been through that isn't a strong and resiliant person. There is a reason for all you are experiencing and I think there are great things ahead for you because of it. For anyone to judge you or criticize you are only showing you and the rest of us their weaknesses.

Edited September 19, 2007 by menmy

[sarah and hicham 3]

I don't see any judgements being made here.

No I don't have kids, and no I have never been abused but I still said what I "would like to think I would do if I were ever in that situation". I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I think it's ok to share opinions and discuss topics even if those commenting have never experienced something. That's how we learn.

I think it's great that Tammy and Dee are so willing to share and be open about their situations.

[♥JP♥ 5]

I don't see any judgements being made here.

No I don't have kids, and no I have never been abused but I still said what I "would like to think I would do if I were ever in that situation". I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I think it's ok to share opinions and discuss topics even if those commenting have never experienced something. That's how we learn.

I think it's great that Tammy and Dee are so willing to share and be open about their situations.

Saying what you think you would do is one thing, but when you are actually faced with it, its another thing. Its great to share opinions and discuss but at the same time just because someone is being open about their situation doesn't mean we know everything.

The only point I am trying to make is that being in an abusive relationship is not always as simple as its cracked up to be.

[deemabrouk 0]

Dee:

Ditto to what Doodle said. You are a far more stronger person to have experienced what you have experienced and continue to experience. You will have the ability to console another and have compassion for another that may need your help on down the road that is going through what you've been through.

lol.. are you sure your thinking of the right person??

YOU are exactly the person that I'm thinking of! NO ONE goes through what you've been through that isn't a strong and resiliant person. There is a reason for all you are experiencing and I think there are great things ahead for you because of it. For anyone to judge you or criticize you are only showing you and the rest of us their weaknesses.

lol... http://youtube.com/watch?v=Xv6lHwWwO3w

this goes out to all the ladies in a similair situation

inspired by Rebecca

Edited September 19, 2007 by deemabrouk