Mena Divorce

[deemabrouk 0]

this sounds too familiar

I think depression is playing a big part in this. He seems to have given up on ever getting the visa and being able to immigrate here. It has been almost 2 months since he last heard from the embassy and still no good word from them.

This is my BIG concern. If he is depressed it should be because you two are apart. It seems like this is all about the visa & immigrating here, which is not good IMO.

I kind of agree. My husband never talks about the visa unless I bring it up. It's almost an afterthought since he's so busy with his life there. Not saying he's definitely in it for the visa but just something to keep on the back burner you know?

I see it a little differntly. I think Tammy's husband's focus could appear to be on the visa, but the reality is what the visa means. The visa process is keepig him from his family , from carrying out his responsibility as a husband and father. so while he says visa, he might be thinking something else.

If he is prone to depression, think about how much more difficult it is not to have the day to day imitate support of your wife and family. Depression means our thinking is clouded. The visa may symbolize a lof of things to him not only the ticket to come here.

While this is true in many situations, I don't believe it to be true in this one. I have told Tammy my concerns based on extensive conversations I have had with her. We talked about all the possibilities and the depression being one of them. However even if a person is prone to being depressed it doesnt make it ok to shun your loved ones away. How a person deals with depression and hard times in their life says alot about that person.

Tammy is also going though her own depression and so are her kids. Times like this, and him being the adult, he should also be supportive that family that he is waiting to be reunited with, especially the kids. I know everyone deals with depression differently but this is also somehting that can weigh heavily on their marriage, now and later.

[Fandango 1,439]

This is the reason why I didn't involve my children in this process (never talked to them about it) or with my husband really until I knew for sure he was coming. My sons knew about Moh, they talked to him on the phone a few times but he wasn't involved in their lives until he got here. I didn't want them to feel how I was feeling (hurt, impatient, stressed). My sons have a dad but even if they didn't I wouldn't make Moh their "replacement" dad. Especially if they never met him and didn't really know him. IMO that's just messing with kids' heads. Making a step dad a "replacement" dad takes time. The step dad has to earn the respect and love of the children. This can't be done over the phone and through chats and webcams. It can't even be done by a short term visit overseas.

Seriously, thank you for this post. You have said in here what I have always wanted to say countless times on VJ...

[angeljan 0]

Tammy I wish you the best of luck in whichever path you may take in your life. I also agree that your last posting was very touching and oh so true. Alot of people do believe in what others say about other people from different countries and their religions, I myself was one of them. Now I advise people don't believe what hear until you actually experience and see it for yourself because it may be the most beatuifulest place and the people may be the most caring and loving people you have ever met, like I have. Anyways Tammy, please take care and my thoughts are with you. Good luck.

[sarah and hicham 3]

This is the reason why I didn't involve my children in this process (never talked to them about it) or with my husband really until I knew for sure he was coming. My sons knew about Moh, they talked to him on the phone a few times but he wasn't involved in their lives until he got here. I didn't want them to feel how I was feeling (hurt, impatient, stressed). My sons have a dad but even if they didn't I wouldn't make Moh their "replacement" dad. Especially if they never met him and didn't really know him. IMO that's just messing with kids' heads. Making a step dad a "replacement" dad takes time. The step dad has to earn the respect and love of the children. This can't be done over the phone and through chats and webcams. It can't even be done by a short term visit overseas.

Seriously, thank you for this post. You have said in here what I have always wanted to say countless times on VJ...

I agree. Moody I think you had the right idea and it's great that you have that mindset. Very smart.

[ninaoquinn 0]

This is the reason why I didn't involve my children in this process (never talked to them about it) or with my husband really until I knew for sure he was coming. My sons knew about Moh, they talked to him on the phone a few times but he wasn't involved in their lives until he got here. I didn't want them to feel how I was feeling (hurt, impatient, stressed). My sons have a dad but even if they didn't I wouldn't make Moh their "replacement" dad. Especially if they never met him and didn't really know him. IMO that's just messing with kids' heads. Making a step dad a "replacement" dad takes time. The step dad has to earn the respect and love of the children. This can't be done over the phone and through chats and webcams. It can't even be done by a short term visit overseas.

Amen, moody! My girls know about my SO and they have chatted with him a few times online but I keep "our" relationship separate from my girls lives. They have been blessed with a wonderful father and I was not looking for a "replacement" in that way. The bond that my girls have with their father is something that cannot be replaced or invaded. However, their hearts are so full of love that they will have room for one more. And you are absolutely right when you say that it is up to the stepdad to earn the respect and love of the children. I agree wholeheartedly. They call it a "step" family because there are many "steps" to be taken along the way in order to have a successful and loving blended family. Thanks for the post.

[sandinista! 1,816]

I think depression is playing a big part in this. He seems to have given up on ever getting the visa and being able to immigrate here. It has been almost 2 months since he last heard from the embassy and still no good word from them.

This is my BIG concern. If he is depressed it should be because you two are apart. It seems like this is all about the visa & immigrating here, which is not good IMO.

I kind of agree. My husband never talks about the visa unless I bring it up. It's almost an afterthought since he's so busy with his life there. Not saying he's definitely in it for the visa but just something to keep on the back burner you know?

I see it a little differntly. I think Tammy's husband's focus could appear to be on the visa, but the reality is what the visa means. The visa process is keepig him from his family , from carrying out his responsibility as a husband and father. so while he says visa, he might be thinking something else.

If he is prone to depression, think about how much more difficult it is not to have the day to day imitate support of your wife and family. Depression means our thinking is clouded. The visa may symbolize a lof of things to him not only the ticket to come here.

While this is true in many situations, I don't believe it to be true in this one. I have told Tammy my concerns based on extensive conversations I have had with her. We talked about all the possibilities and the depression being one of them. However even if a person is prone to being depressed it doesnt make it ok to shun your loved ones away. How a person deals with depression and hard times in their life says alot about that person.

Tammy is also going though her own depression and so are her kids. Times like this, and him being the adult, he should also be supportive that family that he is waiting to be reunited with, especially the kids. I know everyone deals with depression differently but this is also somehting that can weigh heavily on their marriage, now and later.

you say that you've talked to this person, and as such have a good deal more insight into what's going on than just someone casually reading the thread, like myself. but the mental health advocate in me has to protest some of the other things you mention here. depression is an illness, and like other illnesses how one deals and reacts to it is often not a matter of "personal choice", no more than "personal choice" enters into how one's body responds to getting diabetes or heart disease. they can no more snap themselves out of it than diabetics or people with heart disease can just snap out of it. being an adult has nothing to do with it either-you don't reach a certain age and magically acquire new skills for coping with malignant alterations in brain chemistry. it just doesn't work that way. i doubt this man thinks it's ok either to shun his loved ones away, but this illness can rob him of his choice to not do that. oftentimes depression manifests itself differently in men than in women, and many start exhibiting very anti-social and sometimes even hostile behaviour. yr right that depression is something that can weigh heavily on their's or anyone else's marriage-most illnesses are major stressors on a marriage. the situation all around sucks. i don't know what things are like in jordan, but this country does a horribly inadequate job in assisting and promoting mental health. they both have their work cut out for them.

[rightbeforeyou 0]

this sounds too familiar

Then Deemabrouk will you divorce your husband? What did you ever decide to do? I have never felt better after leaving my abusive husband.

Edited September 19, 2007 by rightbeforeyou

[♥JP♥ 5]

I think depression is playing a big part in this. He seems to have given up on ever getting the visa and being able to immigrate here. It has been almost 2 months since he last heard from the embassy and still no good word from them.

This is my BIG concern. If he is depressed it should be because you two are apart. It seems like this is all about the visa & immigrating here, which is not good IMO.

I kind of agree. My husband never talks about the visa unless I bring it up. It's almost an afterthought since he's so busy with his life there. Not saying he's definitely in it for the visa but just something to keep on the back burner you know?

I see it a little differntly. I think Tammy's husband's focus could appear to be on the visa, but the reality is what the visa means. The visa process is keepig him from his family , from carrying out his responsibility as a husband and father. so while he says visa, he might be thinking something else.

If he is prone to depression, think about how much more difficult it is not to have the day to day imitate support of your wife and family. Depression means our thinking is clouded. The visa may symbolize a lof of things to him not only the ticket to come here.

While this is true in many situations, I don't believe it to be true in this one. I have told Tammy my concerns based on extensive conversations I have had with her. We talked about all the possibilities and the depression being one of them. However even if a person is prone to being depressed it doesnt make it ok to shun your loved ones away. How a person deals with depression and hard times in their life says alot about that person.

Tammy is also going though her own depression and so are her kids. Times like this, and him being the adult, he should also be supportive that family that he is waiting to be reunited with, especially the kids. I know everyone deals with depression differently but this is also somehting that can weigh heavily on their marriage, now and later.

you say that you've talked to this person, and as such have a good deal more insight into what's going on than just someone casually reading the thread, like myself. but the mental health advocate in me has to protest some of the other things you mention here. depression is an illness, and like other illnesses how one deals and reacts to it is often not a matter of "personal choice", no more than "personal choice" enters into how one's body responds to getting diabetes or heart disease. they can no more snap themselves out of it than diabetics or people with heart disease can just snap out of it. being an adult has nothing to do with it either-you don't reach a certain age and magically acquire new skills for coping with malignant alterations in brain chemistry. it just doesn't work that way. i doubt this man thinks it's ok either to shun his loved ones away, but this illness can rob him of his choice to not do that. oftentimes depression manifests itself differently in men than in women, and many start exhibiting very anti-social and sometimes even hostile behaviour. yr right that depression is something that can weigh heavily on their's or anyone else's marriage-most illnesses are major stressors on a marriage. the situation all around sucks. i don't know what things are like in jordan, but this country does a horribly inadequate job in assisting and promoting mental health. they both have their work cut out for them.

Ok and you are further proving my point which I would definitly think twice before exposing my children to such a person. I never said it was a matter of personal choice or that it wasn't an illness. I totally agree with everything you just said however I wouldn't want to get married to someone like that because it woud affect our marriage and my children (if I had any).

In Jordan they don't really believe in anything called "mental health" or "depression". My only point was if a person is going to be that extreme in their depression, then you should think twice about it because depression can hit at any time.

[Ban Hammer 13,407]

this sounds too familiar

Then Deemabrouk does this mean that you are divorcing your husband? What did you ever decide to do? I have never felt better after leaving my abusive husband.

i remember your post about that. i'm glad to see your decision was a good one.

[sandinista! 1,816]

I think depression is playing a big part in this. He seems to have given up on ever getting the visa and being able to immigrate here. It has been almost 2 months since he last heard from the embassy and still no good word from them.

This is my BIG concern. If he is depressed it should be because you two are apart. It seems like this is all about the visa & immigrating here, which is not good IMO.

I kind of agree. My husband never talks about the visa unless I bring it up. It's almost an afterthought since he's so busy with his life there. Not saying he's definitely in it for the visa but just something to keep on the back burner you know?

I see it a little differntly. I think Tammy's husband's focus could appear to be on the visa, but the reality is what the visa means. The visa process is keepig him from his family , from carrying out his responsibility as a husband and father. so while he says visa, he might be thinking something else.

If he is prone to depression, think about how much more difficult it is not to have the day to day imitate support of your wife and family. Depression means our thinking is clouded. The visa may symbolize a lof of things to him not only the ticket to come here.

While this is true in many situations, I don't believe it to be true in this one. I have told Tammy my concerns based on extensive conversations I have had with her. We talked about all the possibilities and the depression being one of them. However even if a person is prone to being depressed it doesnt make it ok to shun your loved ones away. How a person deals with depression and hard times in their life says alot about that person.

Tammy is also going though her own depression and so are her kids. Times like this, and him being the adult, he should also be supportive that family that he is waiting to be reunited with, especially the kids. I know everyone deals with depression differently but this is also somehting that can weigh heavily on their marriage, now and later.

you say that you've talked to this person, and as such have a good deal more insight into what's going on than just someone casually reading the thread, like myself. but the mental health advocate in me has to protest some of the other things you mention here. depression is an illness, and like other illnesses how one deals and reacts to it is often not a matter of "personal choice", no more than "personal choice" enters into how one's body responds to getting diabetes or heart disease. they can no more snap themselves out of it than diabetics or people with heart disease can just snap out of it. being an adult has nothing to do with it either-you don't reach a certain age and magically acquire new skills for coping with malignant alterations in brain chemistry. it just doesn't work that way. i doubt this man thinks it's ok either to shun his loved ones away, but this illness can rob him of his choice to not do that. oftentimes depression manifests itself differently in men than in women, and many start exhibiting very anti-social and sometimes even hostile behaviour. yr right that depression is something that can weigh heavily on their's or anyone else's marriage-most illnesses are major stressors on a marriage. the situation all around sucks. i don't know what things are like in jordan, but this country does a horribly inadequate job in assisting and promoting mental health. they both have their work cut out for them.

Ok and you are further proving my point which I would definitly think twice before exposing my children to such a person. I never said it was a matter of personal choice or that it wasn't an illness. I totally agree with everything you just said however I wouldn't want to get married to someone like that because it woud affect our marriage and my children (if I had any).

In Jordan they don't really believe in anything called "mental health" or "depression". My only point was if a person is going to be that extreme in their depression, then you should think twice about it because depression can hit at any time.

so what, abandoning illness stricken loved ones is far nobler? no therepeutic intervention whatsoever? medications, therapy-what, they don't exist as possibilities?

[♥JP♥ 5]

I think depression is playing a big part in this. He seems to have given up on ever getting the visa and being able to immigrate here. It has been almost 2 months since he last heard from the embassy and still no good word from them.

This is my BIG concern. If he is depressed it should be because you two are apart. It seems like this is all about the visa & immigrating here, which is not good IMO.

I kind of agree. My husband never talks about the visa unless I bring it up. It's almost an afterthought since he's so busy with his life there. Not saying he's definitely in it for the visa but just something to keep on the back burner you know?

I see it a little differntly. I think Tammy's husband's focus could appear to be on the visa, but the reality is what the visa means. The visa process is keepig him from his family , from carrying out his responsibility as a husband and father. so while he says visa, he might be thinking something else.

If he is prone to depression, think about how much more difficult it is not to have the day to day imitate support of your wife and family. Depression means our thinking is clouded. The visa may symbolize a lof of things to him not only the ticket to come here.

While this is true in many situations, I don't believe it to be true in this one. I have told Tammy my concerns based on extensive conversations I have had with her. We talked about all the possibilities and the depression being one of them. However even if a person is prone to being depressed it doesnt make it ok to shun your loved ones away. How a person deals with depression and hard times in their life says alot about that person.

Tammy is also going though her own depression and so are her kids. Times like this, and him being the adult, he should also be supportive that family that he is waiting to be reunited with, especially the kids. I know everyone deals with depression differently but this is also somehting that can weigh heavily on their marriage, now and later.

you say that you've talked to this person, and as such have a good deal more insight into what's going on than just someone casually reading the thread, like myself. but the mental health advocate in me has to protest some of the other things you mention here. depression is an illness, and like other illnesses how one deals and reacts to it is often not a matter of "personal choice", no more than "personal choice" enters into how one's body responds to getting diabetes or heart disease. they can no more snap themselves out of it than diabetics or people with heart disease can just snap out of it. being an adult has nothing to do with it either-you don't reach a certain age and magically acquire new skills for coping with malignant alterations in brain chemistry. it just doesn't work that way. i doubt this man thinks it's ok either to shun his loved ones away, but this illness can rob him of his choice to not do that. oftentimes depression manifests itself differently in men than in women, and many start exhibiting very anti-social and sometimes even hostile behaviour. yr right that depression is something that can weigh heavily on their's or anyone else's marriage-most illnesses are major stressors on a marriage. the situation all around sucks. i don't know what things are like in jordan, but this country does a horribly inadequate job in assisting and promoting mental health. they both have their work cut out for them.

Ok and you are further proving my point which I would definitly think twice before exposing my children to such a person. I never said it was a matter of personal choice or that it wasn't an illness. I totally agree with everything you just said however I wouldn't want to get married to someone like that because it woud affect our marriage and my children (if I had any).

In Jordan they don't really believe in anything called "mental health" or "depression". My only point was if a person is going to be that extreme in their depression, then you should think twice about it because depression can hit at any time.

so what, abandoning illness stricken loved ones is far nobler? no therepeutic intervention whatsoever? medications, therapy-what, they don't exist as possibilities?

I'm not saying it isn't a possibility but when you have kids involved its a whole other ballgame. Depression can be dangerous and you have to think of the welfare of your children first.

[deemabrouk 0]

this sounds too familiar

Then Deemabrouk will you divorce your husband? What did you ever decide to do? I have never felt better after leaving my abusive husband.

For now I am taking one day at a time..... This is all i can handle.

[sarah and hicham 3]

this sounds too familiar

Then Deemabrouk will you divorce your husband? What did you ever decide to do? I have never felt better after leaving my abusive husband.

For now I am taking one day at a time..... This is all i can handle.

What do you mean this is all you can handle? Why would you subject your children to such a relationship? I think that's really sad. Do you really think he's going to change 100%?

[aya*abouelnasr 0]

As much as I would like think that I always do the best thing for myself and my children, I am far from perfect. My sons are 12 and 10, old enough I think to either accept or not accept someone in their lives. They have a realtionship with my husband because I wanted them to talk to him and he to them, before I ever took the step of traveling to Jordan. I wanted them to know that mom would be safe and that he was not going to take me away from them in any way, shape or form. When I made the choice to leave their birth father, I also made the choice to raise them alone if I had to. There has not been a parade of "step uncles" in their lives, the only men they have interactions with have been male relatives. I felt I owed my sons at least the option of talking to him and seeing him on the cam before I made any decisions about our future together as a couple.

Last night my oldest son overheard me talking about the possibility of a divorce with my mother. I was not aware that he had overheard until much later in the evening. He asked me, what about us mom, what about us? Maybe I was wrong in ever letting them develop a "relationship" with my husband, but I felt it better than to spring a complete stranger on them out of the blue.

As far as divorce is concerned, I am still not sure. I have promised him only that I will think about it more deeply before I decide to do anything permanent. As he is my husband, I feel I owe him at least that much respect. As many of us know, if I do divorce him, there is no going back on it. Islam does not permit him to re-marry me unless I marry another man in the interim. I would hate to think that I would be so foolish to make a grave mistake and not be able to rectify it.

I agree with the post that said maybe his depression is in his thinking that he is not taking care of his husbandly and fatherly duties. I know I have not felt as if I am a good wife to him. How can I be when I am so far away from him? I cannot cook for him, sit with him, listen to him tell me about his day. Depression can take you into the deepest pits of despair. Everything seems fruitless and there is no hope at all. It's not an easy thing to get ones self out of, it takes time and help.

So, for now, I have promised not to do anything rash. I hope I make the best decision for all concerned in the end. That is all I can do, is hope.

[~~~water~~~ 0]

Life is not easy.... It sounds like you did what is best for the situation. I don't think it is wrong or right the kids are involved, it just IS... kids are amazing and they are very resilient , just follow your heart and give yourself time.. Everything will fall into place

Edited September 19, 2007 by water is wide