Religion

[Tegan 0]

Let me start off saying I'm not religious and never have been. I'm not against religion I'm just not religious myself my husband is fine with the fact I'm not religious.

Here's the thing my husband is Roman Cathlic doesn't go to Church every sunday or anything like that but all the same is quite religious, which as I've said above I'm fine with.

My hasband and I have been together for almost 7 years now (married for almost 3) Religion is a small part (and sometimes big part) of my husbands life. So everytime we talk about having kids and all that fun stuff religion comes into play, my husband what's our kids to go to church and learn about it all, which I'm totally happy with. But the big thing is, is he wants me to go along to, even though I feel ackward and out of place in a church (it doesn't help that my husband goes to a spanish speaking church) and I don't speak a great deal of spanish which is besides the point. basically he wants me to pretend I believe in religion for our kids sack.

Do you think I should just "suck it up" as they say and go to church, or try and reason with him. We always end up in a heated argument when it comes to this subject and I guess I just wanted some advice on how do deal with it.

Thanks

Tegan

[AnaAndDaniel 0]

oh wow. this is tough.

my advice is to find out what you are comfortable with and dicuss it with hubby. hopefully you guys can find some compromse that is acceptable to the two of you.

as a side not, i am sureyou are aware, you will see some harsh comments in this thread regarding religion and the fact that the two of you did not hash this out before you got married.

good luck!

Daniel

:energetic:

[Peikko 1,575]

Only you can know what you are comfortable with. If someone says, yeah, 'suck it up for the good of the marriage', only you can know if that is acceptable and vice versa. (Mind you, saying things like 'suck it up' does sound as though there is already resentment creeping in)

For myself, I find organised religion is not just benign in cases like this, but positively argumentative and fragmenting because it gets between two people. Faith should be a postive force, not negative.

Maybe a councilor (secular) could help you come to a mutually benefitial arrangement?

[DeadPoolX 9]

Here's what I'd do (and you can take whatever I say with a huge grain of salt since you don't know me from Adam) in this situation...

Tell your husband that you'll let your future children go to church with you and him, but that you won't pretend to believe in anything you don't feel comfortable with yourself. In addition, your husband must also agree to keep from forcing religion on your children if they decide they don't particularly care for it as they get older. How religious they are (if at all) in the end must be their own decision to make.

I think that's a fair deal. Your husband gets to go to church with you and his kids; you don't have to pretend to believe in something you don't, and your children will be free to make up their own minds as they grow up.

[SM&LP 0]

I have the opposite that you have. I am Catholic and my husband is not religious. In deed he is not baptised and he did not even know to what protestant church he belongs to.

When we decided to get married we asked the priest what we can do since he is not catholic and he told us that we have to sing a paper where we agree that no of us is going to change our religion and that the family is going to raise in the catholic faith and he has to be supportive. We dont have kids yet and i guess that i am just on the theory of this. But in my case i dont ask my husband to go with me to church, he drop me at church every sunday and he wants me to join something there mostly so that i have some friends here. (I havent i cant drive in Oklahoma).

Anyway, i guess you have to do that kind of contract if you were marring him, but if you dont mind going to church you can do it, but it if does you dont have too. The supportive part i guess is that you have to show respect to what your kids believe on and the moral values that every church has.

I hope this helps to you, i know it has to be difficult because for me it is also difficult to tell him what I want to do that he has to be ok with, like the images of Virgin Mary that i have, I asked him where I can put so that he feels ok with it and he told me "just dont put on the living room where i am going to have a beer and i will feel that i am drinking on a church".

[Logres 0]

How will your child feel if they get to age 16 and you then stop going to church and you then tell them the truth about why you have been going to church? They may start seeing church as being a rather superficial environment.

I am probably in a similar boat to you....... I think a Christian church is a relatively good place for a child to learn a decent way to live, but am not religious myself.

Be an example to your child, do what you think is right.

If you're asking me what I'd do in your situation, I'd ask my husband to take the child to church alone....... but would speak to the child afterwards and discuss what they'd learnt.

[pedroh 21]

oh.. us catholics just feel religious so often.. not every day lol..

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Tough topic. Well, in my immediate family it worked this way: My Mom was religious - Anglican, and my Dad is agnostic. She wanted him to go to church and he basically refused saying he could not be a hypocrite. She accepted that. He would drive her (and us when we were children) to church and pick us up when it was finished.

I was presented with both sides of the equation and when I was old enough, I made my own decision. I am not religious and do not attend a church, but that is not to say I am not a spiritual person. I have my own relationship with God that does not take place inside a church.

My brother is the same as me. He married a Catholic woman, and at her insistence, agreed that their children would be raised Catholic. While my sister in law would prefer for him to go to church with her, he remains at home while she and my niece go to church. There are stronger things in the relationship holding them together than a difference in their religious beliefs. The biggest thing is that each is tolerant and accepting of the other.

I hope you will find a balance that works for the two of you whereby you can each honour the other's beliefs while being true to yourselves.

[Tegan 0]

thanks to everyone thats has replied so far, to reply to some of the posts, I'm fine with having the virgin Mary hanging in our house in fact i have a statue of the 3 kings in our bed room which was a gift from my father in law my birthday is on the 6th on Jan (the 3 kings day).

I have told my husband that he could take our kids to church and learn about it all I think it would be great for them, but I would feel like a hypocrite by going to church because I don't have the same beliefs I believe in something just it's just not orginised religion. I do think by him taking them and me asking about it all would be I good idea... there a lot or great replies that have helped me quit a bit

thanks

tegan

Edited September 12, 2007 by Tegan

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I don't agree with your husband's line of thinking. I suppose if I were him, I'd encourage you to go with us, just to be together as a family, but I wouldn't want to coerce you and certainly not make you feel obliged to go. If your kids are wondering why they have to go when mommy stays home, then you and your husband should sit down and really figure out what your expectations are with the children in terms of religion. If you're ok with your husband raising them Catholic, then he's going to need your support, with you also telling them that you both want them to go. Consistency and family ritual are really helpful in dealing with resistant kids.

[Ta Ta 1]

I would go in support for him and the children. It is kind of like going to a ball or golf game that you absolutely hate but you compromise

and go to be together and for support if it means that much to him ........what will one hour a week hurt ? Or maybe once or twice a month ?

I would not think of it as being fake but supportive to the family. Maybe you can compromise to go to a different church where you can actually understand the language better.

You may meet some good friends that way also. Maybe he can accompany you to some places he is not so crazy about as well.

It is about sharing experiences and inviting each other into a different world and being tolerant.

Pick your battles, this is not worth fighting over.

My perspective is from a Christian viewpoint and you may disagree with it but it is just a thought. You have to decide in the end what is right for you

and what you feel comfortable with.

[LondonGooner 0]

To add my two cents to the topic; I would not have considered marrying my wife if she had not been a Christian or was at least about to commit to her faith through baptism. In fact I wouldn't have even dated a non-Christian girl and I was quite prepared to spend the rest of my life as a single guy until I met Kelly. However, I guess that doesn't really help in your situation. Now I take issue with much of what the Catholic Church teaches. I don't want to open up a huge can of worms here by saying things that may be misunderstood or deemed to be offensive. I think you need to ask yourself are you prepared for your children to be raised believing in certain things that you yourself may strongly disagree with? Secondly, what kind of example will you be setting your children if their priest tells them to believe in one thing, say for example abortion which in the Catholic Church is a big no-no, but you yourself believe strongly in pro-choice? What I am saying is wouldn't you want to have peace and harmony in your family rather than conflict and division? Lastly, you say your husband is attending a Spanish speaking Church but he lives here, right? So why isn't he attending an English speacking Church. What I am getting at is if he wants you to attend Church with him and your children then he should make some form of compromise and agree to attend a Church Service where the lesson is in English so that you understand what your children are being taught. I also reccomend that you try and attend different Churches until you and your husband can find a place where you are all comfortable in attending even if neither of you agree 100% with what is being taught. At least this way you'll have some consensus of opinion to work off. However, I suspect that your hubby has been raised Catholic and would severely upset his family if he started attending Church elsewhere which is partly why I am against Catholic teaching because so much of it is Biblically inaccurate and in some cases it is in direct contradiction of God's word. I also think that being Catholic is more about dogma and training to act in a certain way than believing with your heart in something which is what our relationship with God is meant to be however, I promised not to start this debate so I will say no more so I leave in you peace, sister.

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

Nani is a (loosely) orthodox Christian - meaning that she'd define herself that way w/o heading to church every Sunday. Me: whatever. My parents are "loosely" Christian and I've been raised along those lines. I'm not a dogmatic person taking literally what I don't think was ever to be taken literally.

That said, our daughter will figure out what works for her spiritually. Nani takes her to church from time to time and I am fine with it. If our daughter happens to catch on to orthodox Christianity then I guess that's what she wants to do. If she wants to do something else then she'll do something else. Bottom line is that Nani and I agreed to take the approach that our parents took: Expose the kids to free thought, expose them to organized religion and the lack thereof and then let the kids decide their own in their own time. Worked for me, worked for Nani and we're quite certain that it'll work for our kids too.

[PlatyPius 5]

To add my two cents to the topic; I would not have considered marrying my wife if she had not been a Christian or was at least about to commit to her faith through baptism. In fact I wouldn't have even dated a non-Christian girl and I was quite prepared to spend the rest of my life as a single guy until I met Kelly.

To add my two cents to the topic; I would not have considered marrying my wife if she had been a Christian or even remotely believed in any of that stuff. In fact I wouldn't have even dated a Christian girl and I was quite prepared to spend the rest of my life as a single guy until I met Sian.

As far as the OP...

I disagree with those who say you should "suck it up" for the family. Sitting through 52-104 hours/year of preaching about something I didn't believe in would drive me batty. I also don't agree with people raising their children "in" one certain religion. That's brainwashing. Let the children learn about all religions, then pick what they believe when they are old enough to do so. Jordan (Mags' son) is free to go to any church or practice any religion he chooses; he has not been pushed toward one religion or NO religion. It is his choice.

[pedroh 21]

but she goes to a spanish service, what's the point of going to 'support' when its in a language u dont even understand..