Problems adjusting

[Kameron 0]

I've read this whole thread and I"m encouraged Kameron with your attitude about this situation, and it sounds like you're dealing with this the best way you can. Unfortunately, I don't know if your wife is. While I too was very homesick when soon after I arrived in the USA, it wasn't physically debilitating. I'm concerned by your comment about her being in bed all day. This in itself, along with her not wanting to engage in anything is concerning. She may be experiencing some clinical depression. Have you thought about this? If you're not willing to accept that she may need to see a medical doctor before this becomes overwhelming, you may want to talk to her about getting out and about, interacting with people, and being outside in the sunshine and exercising, to maintain good mental health.

I hope some positive changes are right around the corner for you two!

Carla

Thanks Carla...............

Yes, the same thought has crossed my mind about the depression. If things don't come around very soon I am going to insist she go to the doctor. I am really hoping it is more a matter of her just deciding to be "OK". We had a bit of a blowout yesterday because of all this. The positive thing that came out of it all was some good communication and an agrement that some things must change for our relationship to survive. Hopefully things are beginning to turn around a little bit.

[Kameron 0]

Kameron-

Although a lot of people have responded I just wanted to add our experience. My husband moved from a large city in Morocco to a city 1/10th the size in Wisconsin (in January might I add). At first he was fine at least the first few weeks and then it hit, I swear to you he didn't get out of bed for almost 3 months. He had headaches and illnesses and you name it. He didn't want to go to school, didn't want to volunteer, didn't want to do anything really. He wouldn't eat unless I cooked it and almost force fed him and then it was only if it was Moroccan food. I tried to take him to the mosque to meet other Arabic people and he just brushed them off and didn't want to get to know them. Let's just say it was rough. There were several points where I said "ok you don't like it here let's move back to Morocco" but he said he couldn't do that because then his family would think he failed - he couldn't go back with nothing there for him. So I really didn't know what to do and honestly it made me upset because I worked so hard for him to come, and was working and trying to take care of him and a 1 1/2 yr old child and I felt like he didn't even want to try. He then decided he wanted to move to a bigger city so I actively sought out another job in a bigger city. We moved here Washington DC about 15 months after he arrived in the US and guess what now he wants to go back to WI!!?!?! Aside from that the homesickness has subsided, sure he still gets sad but he understand that this is his home for now and he needs to make the best out of it or it will be horrible for him. So what I'm saying is - HOLD ON! it will get better. The first year is the hardest and the first 6 months are probably the worst. Work your way though, be supportive but don't feel like you have to do everything for her and make sure she is busy. You might have to let her find her own happiness and not try to make her happy all the time. Best wishes

Thanks for your reply, every little bit of encouragement helps. As many times as this thread has been read, I believe that the transition problems for our spouses is really more common than anyone admits. You know, I expected some rough times, but this is really more than I expected. As much as anything else, I hope everyone in the process of moving a immigrant spouse reads this thread and can at least have some comfort of knowing this is a process that everyone faces to some degree. It is really helping me to know that I am not alone in the hard part of all this. I am really hearing my own story echoed in the stories those that have replied. As much as our signifigant others feel alone and overwhelmed, so do we as their husbands/wives when they go through this process. With me, my wife tells me that I cannot understand what she is going through. This is true to en extent. She doesn't realize what I am going through either..........................................................................

.................

still hanging on...............

Kameron

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Kameron - I sympathize with your story here and for my husband to be and myself we are paying attention to what is being said here by everyone else because we are fast approaching the permanent move.

I would imagine that depending on the lvl of social/ economic and other differences between the US and the spouse's home country, this contributes a great deal to what the new spouse focusses on.

Language can be an obvious barrier as well as different cultures, perhaps the spouses' country was more strict or religious or ecnomically poor.

I am from Canada and there are fewer differences, many similarities and the 3rd pot of 'what the heck are those American's thinking ' - JK dear..............sometimes I see all the positives and on a few days, I see nothing but negative

I hope that you follow up and take your wife to a doctor if need be, no matter how hard she fights it - no harm in going even if you 2 find out she'd not clinically depressed, but will be able to work through things in another way. Finding a community or neighbourhood filled with other immigrants from her country can be helpful.......I grew up in a family full of Europeans...they welcomed newcomers and helped them adjust both socially and financially...it's a good thing

Cheers

[Juan Pablo 0]

Kameron

I have been here just 3 months, and I really understand what your wife is going through.

There were some days where I didn't get out of bed, I didn't like people here, and just basically was completely not accepting any suggestion that my wife was giving me. Sometimes I would feel a little better but most of the time I felt super bad, I had back pains, headaches, I would get dizzy, I wouldn't eat if she wasn't here, etc, etc...

Right now I am not OK yet, but things look a little brighter, and one of the things that helped a lot was finding some help, I started some sessions with a counselor and it's making me feel better, especially because the sessions are in Spanish. Even when I really don't have problems with English, it's not natural to me, it takes effort and that is tiring, and I suppose this happens to your wife as well.

I don't want to feel that people pity me, but I need somebody to understand what I am going through and it doesn't matter how much my wife loves me, she is not the one changing so many things at once ,though I know she is going through her own adjusting process which is not easy either, therefore it is hard to understand each other sometimes, but IT IS POSSIBLE, it is just matter of time, patience, love and finding ways to help each other.

Being unable to work it's so hard cause you not only feel bored but useless, you are unable to see how things will get better and that feeling is horrible, and the worse part is when you stop recognizing yourself, IT IS SCARY! Suddenly you have become this sad, depressed, angry person that just can't be happy, you don`t want to be here but you don't want to go back to your country, cause, at least in my case, that means failure, that means taking the easy way out, but the truth is that sometimes I don't find the strength to keep fighting.

So as you can see it is not easy, and even when some of the advices you've gotten here might work (Kate knows i love concerts and she always get us tickets to shows I wanna go, but sometimes I am so depressed that I don't wanna go) the truth is that there's no recipe to make things better and you can't expect somebody to like a place even if you show every single state, city and town , ofcourse you have to try everything you can, but also you have to set limits, cause You can't make her happy if she doesn't want to.

What I suggest is to talk, communicate with her, let her tell ya every single thing that she is feeling, and ask her what could u do to make it better.

If a solution is for you to move to Spain, then start thinking about it, but make her realize that you started this process and that it would be dumb to throw all that work and money away, but let her know that you are willing to do it (something that I am sure she knows already), encourage her to find help and let her know that even when you care, you don't know what to do, and that it is affecting you, and if you think you need help then maybe it would be smart to go to a counselor yourself, trust me, I didn't want to do it and I even thought it was stupid and now here I am recommending it.

I dunno if my words will help you, but I sure hope they will.

Hang in there, I know it is not easy but you are not the only ones going through it.

Greetings

[caybee 21]

Kameron

I have been here just 3 months, and I really understand what your wife is going through.

There were some days where I didn't get out of bed, I didn't like people here, and just basically was completely not accepting any suggestion that my wife was giving me. Sometimes I would feel a little better but most of the time I felt super bad, I had back pains, headaches, I would get dizzy, I wouldn't eat if she wasn't here, etc, etc...

Right now I am not OK yet, but things look a little brighter, and one of the things that helped a lot was finding some help, I started some sessions with a counselor and it's making me feel better, especially because the sessions are in Spanish. Even when I really don't have problems with English, it's not natural to me, it takes effort and that is tiring, and I suppose this happens to your wife as well.

I don't want to feel that people pity me, but I need somebody to understand what I am going through and it doesn't matter how much my wife loves me, she is not the one changing so many things at once ,though I know she is going through her own adjusting process which is not easy either, therefore it is hard to understand each other sometimes, but IT IS POSSIBLE, it is just matter of time, patience, love and finding ways to help each other.

Being unable to work it's so hard cause you not only feel bored but useless, you are unable to see how things will get better and that feeling is horrible, and the worse part is when you stop recognizing yourself, IT IS SCARY! Suddenly you have become this sad, depressed, angry person that just can't be happy, you don`t want to be here but you don't want to go back to your country, cause, at least in my case, that means failure, that means taking the easy way out, but the truth is that sometimes I don't find the strength to keep fighting.

So as you can see it is not easy, and even when some of the advices you've gotten here might work (Kate knows i love concerts and she always get us tickets to shows I wanna go, but sometimes I am so depressed that I don't wanna go) the truth is that there's no recipe to make things better and you can't expect somebody to like a place even if you show every single state, city and town , ofcourse you have to try everything you can, but also you have to set limits, cause You can't make her happy if she doesn't want to.

What I suggest is to talk, communicate with her, let her tell ya every single thing that she is feeling, and ask her what could u do to make it better.

If a solution is for you to move to Spain, then start thinking about it, but make her realize that you started this process and that it would be dumb to throw all that work and money away, but let her know that you are willing to do it (something that I am sure she knows already), encourage her to find help and let her know that even when you care, you don't know what to do, and that it is affecting you, and if you think you need help then maybe it would be smart to go to a counselor yourself, trust me, I didn't want to do it and I even thought it was stupid and now here I am recommending it.

I dunno if my words will help you, but I sure hope they will.

Hang in there, I know it is not easy but you are not the only ones going through it.

Greetings

Good post. I hope things continue to improve for you.

[Mrs.J06 4]

Kameron, I'm sure this adjustment period is just as hard on the USC as it is on the immigrant.

I know my husband feels anxious, helpless, sad, guilty whenever I'm homesick or melancholic about my new life. He had this "are you gonne leave me and go back" look in his face way too often at the beginning. It took a lot of communication and reassurance to get over this. I'm sure that's the case for most USCs in international relationships.

I just try to keep in mind three things when I'm not satisfied:

1) There was a time when I cried myself to sleep because my loved one wasn't with me and I missed him so bad.

2) We BOTH together made a decision about living in the US, nobody forced this on me.

3) We are both healthy and in love, have a good life and not really anything to complain about! So I go buy some shoes and get the f**k out of this shitty mood!

I wish you all the best.

[Kameron 0]

Kameron

I have been here just 3 months, and I really understand what your wife is going through.

There were some days where I didn't get out of bed, I didn't like people here, and just basically was completely not accepting any suggestion that my wife was giving me. Sometimes I would feel a little better but most of the time I felt super bad, I had back pains, headaches, I would get dizzy, I wouldn't eat if she wasn't here, etc, etc...

Right now I am not OK yet, but things look a little brighter, and one of the things that helped a lot was finding some help, I started some sessions with a counselor and it's making me feel better, especially because the sessions are in Spanish. Even when I really don't have problems with English, it's not natural to me, it takes effort and that is tiring, and I suppose this happens to your wife as well.

I don't want to feel that people pity me, but I need somebody to understand what I am going through and it doesn't matter how much my wife loves me, she is not the one changing so many things at once ,though I know she is going through her own adjusting process which is not easy either, therefore it is hard to understand each other sometimes, but IT IS POSSIBLE, it is just matter of time, patience, love and finding ways to help each other.

Being unable to work it's so hard cause you not only feel bored but useless, you are unable to see how things will get better and that feeling is horrible, and the worse part is when you stop recognizing yourself, IT IS SCARY! Suddenly you have become this sad, depressed, angry person that just can't be happy, you don`t want to be here but you don't want to go back to your country, cause, at least in my case, that means failure, that means taking the easy way out, but the truth is that sometimes I don't find the strength to keep fighting.

So as you can see it is not easy, and even when some of the advices you've gotten here might work (Kate knows i love concerts and she always get us tickets to shows I wanna go, but sometimes I am so depressed that I don't wanna go) the truth is that there's no recipe to make things better and you can't expect somebody to like a place even if you show every single state, city and town , ofcourse you have to try everything you can, but also you have to set limits, cause You can't make her happy if she doesn't want to.

What I suggest is to talk, communicate with her, let her tell ya every single thing that she is feeling, and ask her what could u do to make it better.

If a solution is for you to move to Spain, then start thinking about it, but make her realize that you started this process and that it would be dumb to throw all that work and money away, but let her know that you are willing to do it (something that I am sure she knows already), encourage her to find help and let her know that even when you care, you don't know what to do, and that it is affecting you, and if you think you need help then maybe it would be smart to go to a counselor yourself, trust me, I didn't want to do it and I even thought it was stupid and now here I am recommending it.

I dunno if my words will help you, but I sure hope they will.

Hang in there, I know it is not easy but you are not the only ones going through it.

Greetings

Thanks Juan...........very good info. Things are a little better for the momment. I am trying to get her out of the house every day even if I have to drag her to do it. She's showing a little interest in redecorating the house and things like that. I am hoping that she will continue to improve. I think you are entirely correct about the "failure feeling" of not being able to work. Her job and independance was always been very important to her. I am going to look for a counselor as you suggested. I think it is very good advice!

[Kameron 0]

Kameron, I'm sure this adjustment period is just as hard on the USC as it is on the immigrant.

I know my husband feels anxious, helpless, sad, guilty whenever I'm homesick or melancholic about my new life. He had this "are you gonne leave me and go back" look in his face way too often at the beginning. It took a lot of communication and reassurance to get over this. I'm sure that's the case for most USCs in international relationships.

I just try to keep in mind three things when I'm not satisfied:

1) There was a time when I cried myself to sleep because my loved one wasn't with me and I missed him so bad.

2) We BOTH together made a decision about living in the US, nobody forced this on me.

3) We are both healthy and in love, have a good life and not really anything to complain about! So I go buy some shoes and get the f**k out of this shitty mood!

I wish you all the best.

Yeah, I can relate completely...................................the guilty feeling is the one that always gets me the worst....................

I'm going to need more closet space if she goes the shoe therapy route, though!!