Problems adjusting

[Kameron 0]

I felt like that for a while too - I guess all immigrants do.

In my case it helped that my husband had to go to an extended business trip about three months after I got here. All of a sudden, I had to be independant, take care of things on my own and that made me feel so much better and more myself again. I bought a car, had it licensed, got my SSN going and on top of it had to deal with a frozen septic system! The dog needed to go to the vet and all the everyday things I had to deal with got me.

Sometimes I think fussing over your spouse too much is not that good - can your wife take care of some things for you? Give her something to feel useful and part of your new life?

Have some patience, I know my husband sometimes rolled his eyes when I got too crappy and bitchy, but this will pass, too.

Yes, I've been giving her some things to do. That seems to help. Sometimes she'll go for it and others not. I hear what you are saying about not fussing about her too much. I'm trying to find a happy medium where she does not feel alone, yet has to function as an individual. She got her SS# on her own and is going to Houston to the Spanish consulate on her own. She also takes care of shuttling my daughter around to daycare, does the grocery shopping, etc.. I'll really be glad when she has an EAD. Having a job is how she gets quite a bit of personal satisfaction and self worth. We have been traveling quite a bit too. We've been to Florida several times(got married in Key West) seen most of Texas, some of Arkansas, Louisiana (we were there the day before it got wiped out by the hurricane). She really does well whenever we are not facing the "daily grind".

[Jessi+Rich 0]

To the gal who traveled to 17 states in 8 months....well, that is just plain crazy. I'm glad it worked out well for you. For me, that would be too much. I want him to get used to St. Louis (same as you, I see!) not be some entertainment coordinator. We have been to just 2 other states in the 15 months he has been here. We did a weekend trip to Chicago and he accompanied me on a business trip to Washington, D.C. Otherwise, there is plenty for him to see and do here for now.

Yes, it was crazy, I totally agree. But boy we loved it. I suppose my husband felt the pressure when I said if I don't like it I am going back. He knows I really meant it. He now has a grin in his face when I say I like it here. He peeks at me everytime he says God bless America, and notices it doesnt bother me anymore. It will take longer to get me saying that tho...

Saint Louis is a beautiful city. No doubt. One of the reasons we did all these trips was because he wants us to move out in about 2 or 3 years. So we saw what is it like in other places to have a better idea on where to relocate in the future. For him it is very important that we both like where we are.

To Kameron: So you are trying to get your wife into being a country girl. I bet the change is shocking for her. Would you be willing to move closer to a bigger city if that is what she prefers? Have you talked about that with her?

Best luck

Jess

[Jessi+Rich 0]

Look what I found kameron: http://www.detapasrestaurant1.com/ . They even have a discount coupon there!

Ale! Me debes una birra!!! (ask the wife for translation)

Best luck

Jess

[Kameron 0]

To the gal who traveled to 17 states in 8 months....well, that is just plain crazy. I'm glad it worked out well for you. For me, that would be too much. I want him to get used to St. Louis (same as you, I see!) not be some entertainment coordinator. We have been to just 2 other states in the 15 months he has been here. We did a weekend trip to Chicago and he accompanied me on a business trip to Washington, D.C. Otherwise, there is plenty for him to see and do here for now.

Yes, it was crazy, I totally agree. But boy we loved it. I suppose my husband felt the pressure when I said if I don't like it I am going back. He knows I really meant it. He now has a grin in his face when I say I like it here. He peeks at me everytime he says God bless America, and notices it doesnt bother me anymore. It will take longer to get me saying that tho...

Saint Louis is a beautiful city. No doubt. One of the reasons we did all these trips was because he wants us to move out in about 2 or 3 years. So we saw what is it like in other places to have a better idea on where to relocate in the future. For him it is very important that we both like where we are.

To Kameron: So you are trying to get your wife into being a country girl. I bet the change is shocking for her. Would you be willing to move closer to a bigger city if that is what she prefers? Have you talked about that with her?

Best luck

Jess

Yes, it's like moving from New York City to smallville Texas. A shock no matter what her nationality is. Moving is on the agenda and an option I am totally willing to accept and work towards. I just can't make it happen within a month. Moving back to Spain is an option too. But the same thing applies. I'll have to sell everything, find a new house, etc.. Spain would probably be easier since she still has her house there. I am really hoping that we can stay long enough to get her citizenship so we can come and go as we please. Going to spain would be easy compared to coming to the US. I'd like to finish what we have started so we would not have to do this all again if we move away and then return in ten years.

[Kameron 0]

Look what I found kameron: http://www.detapasrestaurant1.com/ . They even have a discount coupon there!

Ale! Me debes una birra!!! (ask the wife for translation)

Best luck

Jess

JAJAJJAAJAAJAJ....Bueno y muchos gracias.......Entiendo perfectamente!

[girlafraid7 0]

To the gal who traveled to 17 states in 8 months....well, that is just plain crazy. I'm glad it worked out well for you. For me, that would be too much. I want him to get used to St. Louis (same as you, I see!) not be some entertainment coordinator. We have been to just 2 other states in the 15 months he has been here. We did a weekend trip to Chicago and he accompanied me on a business trip to Washington, D.C. Otherwise, there is plenty for him to see and do here for now.

Yes, it was crazy, I totally agree. But boy we loved it. I suppose my husband felt the pressure when I said if I don't like it I am going back. He knows I really meant it. He now has a grin in his face when I say I like it here. He peeks at me everytime he says God bless America, and notices it doesnt bother me anymore. It will take longer to get me saying that tho...

Saint Louis is a beautiful city. No doubt. One of the reasons we did all these trips was because he wants us to move out in about 2 or 3 years. So we saw what is it like in other places to have a better idea on where to relocate in the future. For him it is very important that we both like where we are.

To Kameron: So you are trying to get your wife into being a country girl. I bet the change is shocking for her. Would you be willing to move closer to a bigger city if that is what she prefers? Have you talked about that with her?

Best luck

Jess

Yes, it's like moving from New York City to smallville Texas. A shock no matter what her nationality is. Moving is on the agenda and an option I am totally willing to accept and work towards. I just can't make it happen within a month. Moving back to Spain is an option too. But the same thing applies. I'll have to sell everything, find a new house, etc.. Spain would probably be easier since she still has her house there. I am really hoping that we can stay long enough to get her citizenship so we can come and go as we please. Going to spain would be easy compared to coming to the US. I'd like to finish what we have started so we would not have to do this all again if we move away and then return in ten years.

I have a similar problem with my husband. Except he is from smallville Basque Country and we live in San Jose, CA. He likes it for the most part but I think he still gets really overwhelmed and homesick--which is normal after only 3 months! I lived in Spain for a year and a half before we came here, and I, too felt helpless while over there. We are now here "trying it out" in the states. If it doesn't work out, we will move back in a couple years. But we really are intent on giving it a good try before calling it quits on the states. Things that help my husband are going to school and playing with the dog all day long. You mentioned you tried getting her to go to school, but really insist on it--at least she'll meet people. Good luck!

[antda 13]

Hi Kameron,

I hope your wife is adjusting well to life in America. Likewise, I encountered the same change too, moving from a big city (Toronto, Canada with a population of a few million), to now living in a rural small town in NYS (with the population of a few thousand). It definately is a big change to go from urban to rural, but I think that it is a great change. You can show her and tell her the benefits of moving to a rural area. For example, it's a lot quieter, safer, friendlier, etc. You can also show her around America by going travelling together throughout the country to different places (it's a great way to learn about America this way). Are there any interests and activities that you both like to do together? Do you have relatives, friends and neighbours that she can meet? Are there some activities and places in your town you can go to locally? Are there any urban places nearby you can take her to at times when she wants to visit urban life again? Is there an English class she can attend to meet other immigrants? Are there other interest classes she is interested in? Are there any activities and/or hobbies she is interested in, and she can join a group that is interested in that too? Is she interested in volunteer work? Since you said she speaks Spanish, is there a Spanish-speaking community in the area she is living in, that she can participate in?

Don't worry, your wife will adjust to American life (and rural life) well. Good luck with your immigration journey.

Ant

I think part of the problem is that she is from Barcelona (big city) and has moved to a more rural area. Where four hours driving there gets you to another country, four hours driving here only gets you to salt water. It's just a big change for both of us.

[Kameron 0]

To the gal who traveled to 17 states in 8 months....well, that is just plain crazy. I'm glad it worked out well for you. For me, that would be too much. I want him to get used to St. Louis (same as you, I see!) not be some entertainment coordinator. We have been to just 2 other states in the 15 months he has been here. We did a weekend trip to Chicago and he accompanied me on a business trip to Washington, D.C. Otherwise, there is plenty for him to see and do here for now.

Yes, it was crazy, I totally agree. But boy we loved it. I suppose my husband felt the pressure when I said if I don't like it I am going back. He knows I really meant it. He now has a grin in his face when I say I like it here. He peeks at me everytime he says God bless America, and notices it doesnt bother me anymore. It will take longer to get me saying that tho...

Saint Louis is a beautiful city. No doubt. One of the reasons we did all these trips was because he wants us to move out in about 2 or 3 years. So we saw what is it like in other places to have a better idea on where to relocate in the future. For him it is very important that we both like where we are.

To Kameron: So you are trying to get your wife into being a country girl. I bet the change is shocking for her. Would you be willing to move closer to a bigger city if that is what she prefers? Have you talked about that with her?

Best luck

Jess

Yes, it's like moving from New York City to smallville Texas. A shock no matter what her nationality is. Moving is on the agenda and an option I am totally willing to accept and work towards. I just can't make it happen within a month. Moving back to Spain is an option too. But the same thing applies. I'll have to sell everything, find a new house, etc.. Spain would probably be easier since she still has her house there. I am really hoping that we can stay long enough to get her citizenship so we can come and go as we please. Going to spain would be easy compared to coming to the US. I'd like to finish what we have started so we would not have to do this all again if we move away and then return in ten years.

I have a similar problem with my husband. Except he is from smallville Basque Country and we live in San Jose, CA. He likes it for the most part but I think he still gets really overwhelmed and homesick--which is normal after only 3 months! I lived in Spain for a year and a half before we came here, and I, too felt helpless while over there. We are now here "trying it out" in the states. If it doesn't work out, we will move back in a couple years. But we really are intent on giving it a good try before calling it quits on the states. Things that help my husband are going to school and playing with the dog all day long. You mentioned you tried getting her to go to school, but really insist on it--at least she'll meet people. Good luck!

The "trying it out" deal for a couple of years is pretty much the same I have with her. I am just really hoping she will give it a fair try before she calls it quits, too. I think I'll do better over there than she is doing here. I have a broader range of interests than she does. I'll be happy hanging around the beach fishing, entertaining the locals by being "exotic", scooting around on a moto, being a general nuisance, etc.. Dual citizenship would have great advantages for her. That's pretty much what happened today. I am wearing thin on patience (only got 4 hours of sleep last night) and insisted that she return to school for no other reason than to not lay in bed all day long. Wish ya'll and us were closer together. It'd be nice to have a Spanish national nearby that could totally relate.

Thanks so much for your reply. Best of luck and feel freem to PM if we can ever be of help!

Kameron

Edited September 12, 2007 by Kameron

[Kameron 0]

Hi Kameron,

I hope your wife is adjusting well to life in America. Likewise, I encountered the same change too, moving from a big city (Toronto, Canada with a population of a few million), to now living in a rural small town in NYS (with the population of a few thousand). It definately is a big change to go from urban to rural, but I think that it is a great change. You can show her and tell her the benefits of moving to a rural area. For example, it's a lot quieter, safer, friendlier, etc. You can also show her around America by going travelling together throughout the country to different places (it's a great way to learn about America this way). Are there any interests and activities that you both like to do together? Do you have relatives, friends and neighbours that she can meet? Are there some activities and places in your town you can go to locally? Are there any urban places nearby you can take her to at times when she wants to visit urban life again? Is there an English class she can attend to meet other immigrants? Are there other interest classes she is interested in? Are there any activities and/or hobbies she is interested in, and she can join a group that is interested in that too? Is she interested in volunteer work? Since you said she speaks Spanish, is there a Spanish-speaking community in the area she is living in, that she can participate in?

Don't worry, your wife will adjust to American life (and rural life) well. Good luck with your immigration journey.

Ant

I think part of the problem is that she is from Barcelona (big city) and has moved to a more rural area. Where four hours driving there gets you to another country, four hours driving here only gets you to salt water. It's just a big change for both of us.

Thanks Ant, I am really hoping that she will. All your suggestions are great and I've been trying endlessly to get her motivated. She's just being very stubborn about it and seems to be stuck in a way. I think she's to the point that she needs to DECIDE to be be ok. Every time I make a suggestion it is almost an instantaneous "no" without any consideration or investigation. It's really discouraging for me at the moment. I always think positive - and constant negative is a very hard thing to deal with. I just keep on hoping she will come around.

Thanks for your suggestions and thoughts.......... I appreciate it more than you can imagine.

[taurean 0]

Kameron: I can totally understand what you are going through! And if your situation is anything like mine...it will pass. My husband had issues with the adjustment just like most. Some days he would wake up and just be depressed (for lack of a better word) at being away from his homeland and the stress of having to start over. Honestly I was really worried for a minute. But somewhere along the way he just accepted the fact that he was not back in his country, and that life is not so bad here! Since then, things have been a lot better. My response at first was to just keep asking if everything was alright. But in time I found that just spending time with him having fun and just letting him vent everything was the best help. It's been almost 8 months and he is again like the person that I knew when we were together in his country.

My point after all the rambling is that it's really on the person to decide to just suck it up and start to just make a life here. All you can do is just support that as best you can. Hang in there!!

Edited September 12, 2007 by taurean

[Tegan 0]

In my experience when I immigrated I was homesick for about 6 or so months maybe longer or shorter, so I know how she feels, I would call home crying some days, I didn't want to go out and do anything I was allowed to drive but was terrified (in Australia we drive on the other side of the road) I couldn't work so basically I was at home on the internet a lot (this website and the people here helped me a lot because I knew many of them here were in the same boat as me) that and having my hubby there to talk too.

After a few months I started driving, and then took a class a few days week so I could get my diploma, then finally a job... she will come around in her own time, you just have to be there for her. If you have suggested a few things that she didn't want to look into earlier why not try it again in a month or so...

All it takes is time.

Tegan

[Mrs.J06 4]

To the gal who traveled to 17 states in 8 months....well, that is just plain crazy. I'm glad it worked out well for you. For me, that would be too much. I want him to get used to St. Louis (same as you, I see!) not be some entertainment coordinator. We have been to just 2 other states in the 15 months he has been here. We did a weekend trip to Chicago and he accompanied me on a business trip to Washington, D.C. Otherwise, there is plenty for him to see and do here for now.

Yes, it was crazy, I totally agree. But boy we loved it. I suppose my husband felt the pressure when I said if I don't like it I am going back. He knows I really meant it. He now has a grin in his face when I say I like it here. He peeks at me everytime he says God bless America, and notices it doesnt bother me anymore. It will take longer to get me saying that tho...

Saint Louis is a beautiful city. No doubt. One of the reasons we did all these trips was because he wants us to move out in about 2 or 3 years. So we saw what is it like in other places to have a better idea on where to relocate in the future. For him it is very important that we both like where we are.

To Kameron: So you are trying to get your wife into being a country girl. I bet the change is shocking for her. Would you be willing to move closer to a bigger city if that is what she prefers? Have you talked about that with her?

Best luck

Jess

Yes, it's like moving from New York City to smallville Texas. A shock no matter what her nationality is. Moving is on the agenda and an option I am totally willing to accept and work towards. I just can't make it happen within a month. Moving back to Spain is an option too. But the same thing applies. I'll have to sell everything, find a new house, etc.. Spain would probably be easier since she still has her house there. I am really hoping that we can stay long enough to get her citizenship so we can come and go as we please. Going to spain would be easy compared to coming to the US. I'd like to finish what we have started so we would not have to do this all again if we move away and then return in ten years.

I have a similar problem with my husband. Except he is from smallville Basque Country and we live in San Jose, CA. He likes it for the most part but I think he still gets really overwhelmed and homesick--which is normal after only 3 months! I lived in Spain for a year and a half before we came here, and I, too felt helpless while over there. We are now here "trying it out" in the states. If it doesn't work out, we will move back in a couple years. But we really are intent on giving it a good try before calling it quits on the states. Things that help my husband are going to school and playing with the dog all day long. You mentioned you tried getting her to go to school, but really insist on it--at least she'll meet people. Good luck!

The "trying it out" deal for a couple of years is pretty much the same I have with her. I am just really hoping she will give it a fair try before she calls it quits, too. I think I'll do better over there than she is doing here. I have a broader range of interests than she does. I'll be happy hanging around the beach fishing, entertaining the locals by being "exotic", scooting around on a moto, being a general nuisance, etc.. Dual citizenship would have great advantages for her. That's pretty much what happened today. I am wearing thin on patience (only got 4 hours of sleep last night) and insisted that she return to school for no other reason than to not lay in bed all day long. Wish ya'll and us were closer together. It'd be nice to have a Spanish national nearby that could totally relate.

Thanks so much for your reply. Best of luck and feel freem to PM if we can ever be of help!

Kameron

Wow, sounds like she is in a much better position than many others here are, with you being so understanding and willing (and able) to move to her country if she is absolutely miserable here.

I agree, at some point she needs to make an effort to see the good things about her new life.

[Kameron 0]

Willing, yes - able, it will be very tough. I think I've always looked at it with the frame of mind that our relationship is very important, and I should be willing to do for her the same as I ask her to do for me. It wouldn't be very fair for me to ask her to try living her and not accept that she may ask me to the same for her. Guess I'm more open to that option than some.

In my experience when I immigrated I was homesick for about 6 or so months maybe longer or shorter, so I know how she feels, I would call home crying some days, I didn't want to go out and do anything I was allowed to drive but was terrified (in Australia we drive on the other side of the road) I couldn't work so basically I was at home on the internet a lot (this website and the people here helped me a lot because I knew many of them here were in the same boat as me) that and having my hubby there to talk too.

After a few months I started driving, and then took a class a few days week so I could get my diploma, then finally a job... she will come around in her own time, you just have to be there for her. If you have suggested a few things that she didn't want to look into earlier why not try it again in a month or so...

All it takes is time.

Tegan

Thanks Tegan. I'm in for the duration and do not look at failure as an option(for me anyway). I am really hoping this gets better soon.........

[Carlawarla 1]

I've read this whole thread and I"m encouraged Kameron with your attitude about this situation, and it sounds like you're dealing with this the best way you can. Unfortunately, I don't know if your wife is. While I too was very homesick when soon after I arrived in the USA, it wasn't physically debilitating. I'm concerned by your comment about her being in bed all day. This in itself, along with her not wanting to engage in anything is concerning. She may be experiencing some clinical depression. Have you thought about this? If you're not willing to accept that she may need to see a medical doctor before this becomes overwhelming, you may want to talk to her about getting out and about, interacting with people, and being outside in the sunshine and exercising, to maintain good mental health.

I hope some positive changes are right around the corner for you two!

Carla

[MrsAmera 41]

Kameron-

Although a lot of people have responded I just wanted to add our experience. My husband moved from a large city in Morocco to a city 1/10th the size in Wisconsin (in January might I add). At first he was fine at least the first few weeks and then it hit, I swear to you he didn't get out of bed for almost 3 months. He had headaches and illnesses and you name it. He didn't want to go to school, didn't want to volunteer, didn't want to do anything really. He wouldn't eat unless I cooked it and almost force fed him and then it was only if it was Moroccan food. I tried to take him to the mosque to meet other Arabic people and he just brushed them off and didn't want to get to know them. Let's just say it was rough. There were several points where I said "ok you don't like it here let's move back to Morocco" but he said he couldn't do that because then his family would think he failed - he couldn't go back with nothing there for him. So I really didn't know what to do and honestly it made me upset because I worked so hard for him to come, and was working and trying to take care of him and a 1 1/2 yr old child and I felt like he didn't even want to try. He then decided he wanted to move to a bigger city so I actively sought out another job in a bigger city. We moved here Washington DC about 15 months after he arrived in the US and guess what now he wants to go back to WI!!?!?! Aside from that the homesickness has subsided, sure he still gets sad but he understand that this is his home for now and he needs to make the best out of it or it will be horrible for him. So what I'm saying is - HOLD ON! it will get better. The first year is the hardest and the first 6 months are probably the worst. Work your way though, be supportive but don't feel like you have to do everything for her and make sure she is busy. You might have to let her find her own happiness and not try to make her happy all the time. Best wishes