Leaving family behind

[curiousn 0]

We are not yet in the States but I have been living abroad for a few years now and our move to the States is coming up shortly. This will triple (or more) the distance between my family and myself.

Personally, I believe this is what I want to do - stone me for it but at this moment, I cannot imagine moving back home (for one thing, hubby doesn't speak anything besides English) and don't much like where I am now. I'm looking forward to living in the States (mostly ).

However, my mom and brother at home aren't so enthusiastic. Mom will just stay rather quiet with a really sad look on her face but my brother will outright blame me and put a guilt trip on me. So here I am, I feel incredibly guilty for leaving them behind but at the same time, have no doubts that this is what I want. Makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me.

I wonder if there are others in this type of situation out there. How do you guys cope?

[Jasman0717 9]

Wow, that is kind of sad, I am sorry your Mother and brother aren't more supportive.

Claudeth's family was so happy for her but of course she sends them a lot of money each month

[Missbollinger 1]

My parents made t no secret they didn't want me to leave but they also still want me to move back there...however my family were also the same ones that supported my abusive ex-spouse so believe it or not they don't always want what is best for you. They do however want what they think makes them happy so I would do what makes YOU happy. Unfortunately you will not and can not please everyone.

Make the decision based on what YOU want. Family if they really care will come around eventually.

[TracyTN 237]

I don't think anyone's family wants to 'lose' them from being around the corner to around the world. My hubby's mom was SO happy for us, and knows my hubby has more opportunities here - but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt her or make her sad to not have him right next door anymore. I think what you're feeling is totally normal - there is no way you can leave your family and not feel SOME guilt for it.

Your brother is wrong to 'blame' you - you have enough guilt without his crappy attitude! It sounds like your mom is maybe just sad, yet knows its what's best for you. Tell your brother to get a life and stop making you feel worse than you already do.

[jburge97 0]

I know how you feel! I, too, never had very many doubts that moving here to be with my husband was what I wanted. Yet I feel so incredibly guilty sometimes. We have talked about moving to Norway, but we realize that it will be almost impossible for my husband to get a job in his field there. My mother was not supportive of my decision at all. Like your brother, she gave me the whole guilt trip. For the last two months before my departure we did nothing but argue about it. Now, three years later, she rarely mentions it at all. I guess we both realized that if we want to be on talking terms, it's better not to discuss the issue. I don't have any brothers or sisters, but I have always been very close to my grandparents. They are now in their 80s and in poor health. They let me know that they miss me, but they have always been supportive of my choices. Every time they get ill or something happens to them, I just want to hop on the plane to go stay with them. This is the main reason I want to move back. I try to cope with it by calling every week and go to visit for two weeks twice a year. This means that my husband and I rarely get to go on vacation alone together, but for now that is the best compromise. Good luck on your journey!

[BJZags 17]

I think that is a difficult question for many Americans to relate too. Partly because of the lack of extended-family in relation to other parts of the word, and partly because of the sheer size of America, many in the states live thousands of miles away from their family even though they are still in the same country. I for one, have lived most of my life seperated from my parents due to economics: you gotta go where the job is. The bottom-line is that you must do what is best for YOU; a loving family will support such a decision, even if not overly happy about the distance. With the wonders of technology the distance between people can be at least somewhat shrunk through the use of video-conferencing and the like. If you sell your family on the fact that contact will NOT be broken, just somewhat adjusted, then maybe they will learn to handle the situation better.

[curiousn 0]

Thanks, guys, for all the replies.

I agree, Americans view this quite differently. My in-laws couldn't have been any more pleased when all the sudden I came along and before they could say Jack Robinson, we were married and off to the UK. Mom-in-law thought it was great that his son got to see the world and found the woman he wanted. It's not that they don't want us to move back closer but they were so supportive.

Mother's got a history of not being very thrilled with me jetsetting. I spent some time in the States in the middle of my teens on an exchange program and since then, she's hated having me away. To make matters worse, my Dad just passed away a few months ago and so I admit, the timing of this trip is really not the best. I think the reason my brother's angry with me leaving has to do with him feeling that this leaves the 'burden of keeping Mom entertained' all on him. Well that and he's always liked to make my life miserable but that's a whole different story there.

Anyway... Thanks for listening and for all the advice. I'll definitely also do the chatting/webcam thing and the (hopefully) frequent visits. Maybe I'll even be able to talk Mom into visiting. That would be a big step.

[Mrs.J06 4]

Mother's got a history of not being very thrilled with me jetsetting. I spent some time in the States in the middle of my teens on an exchange program and since then, she's hated having me away. To make matters worse, my Dad just passed away a few months ago and so I admit, the timing of this trip is really not the best. I think the reason my brother's angry with me leaving has to do with him feeling that this leaves the 'burden of keeping Mom entertained' all on him. Well that and he's always liked to make my life miserable but that's a whole different story there.

Well, I certainly understand what that feels like. My sister moved her entire family to Singapore two weeks after our mother passed away. They relocated for her husband's job and it was all planned, set up and basically they were sitting on packed bags.

I was the one left behind with a father who had never done anything much around the house and had entirely relayed on our mother for entertainment.

It was tough for a while, but then - such is life. No good blaming anybody, everyone has a right to live their own lifes. Your brother needs to grow up, making you feel even more guilty is a pretty shitty thing to do!

My Dad got back on his feet eventually and went to visit them all the time. They are back in Germany now and I'm here, so now my sister has the burden of taking care of him as he grows older and less independant - and I feel guilty. It might be the case for you too one day, who knows!

Good luck and I hope your brother comes around!

[curiousn 0]

Thanks for that, Mrs. Johnson.

I see where he's coming from and, like I said above, I know myself that this is really pretty bad timing - although Mom wouldn't have been happy about me leaving regardless of whether she's alone or not. She does not need taking care of in the physical sense, so that's a good thing. And quite frankly, I think I talk with her more than my brother does, but the 'duties' that come with physically being near her do fall on him for the moment.

Anyway, I think I'm just trying to make myself feel better. Thanks again!

[*JG* 2]

Wow, that is kind of sad, I am sorry your Mother and brother aren't more supportive.

Claudeth's family was so happy for her but of course she sends them a lot of money each month

Everyone we know was really happy and supportive. They haven't said otherwise even though we fight and avoid NOT to send them any money each month.

[shanna 0]

Hey there!

Congrats on your impending move here!!!! I can totally elate to possible feelings of guilt about leaving especially a parent behind. For me, it was my parents, 2 siblings, 11 uncles, 11 aunts and 23 cousins!!! My mum had a quiet, sad look about her, closer to my departure and no matter how I braced myself, I am usually seeing through tears when I clear customs in Singapore to get back to the States. Every trip is like that for me, no matter how many times I visit. There were times when I wanted to be home for someone's bday bash. Also, my mum was diagnosed with cancer last year, 2 days after I got a great job offer after job-hunting for 2 years!! To stay behind with job was the hardest decision I've had to make but man! both my mum and I found strength in us that we didn't know existed.

What gets me through those difficult times is the open conversations that I have with my hubby to pour my feelings of guilt, anger, loneliness, exasperations , etc. It helps a great deal. For me even after 3 years, some days I crave going back to be with my family. Anyways, sorry if I don't sound relevant in this post LOL Must be the pregnancy hormones!!!! LOL

Much luck, Sha

[Ta Ta 1]

I moved to the states from Germany 30 years ago. I have no brothers and sisters. My Mom is 93 and living by herself. She refuses to go into

an assisted living apartment. My last try was unsuccessful to settle her in a safer living environment. She refused to come here to the states.

I know that one day I will get the call I dread.

The worst for her is missing her grandchildren and great grandchildren.

I try to cope with the guilt of not being there for her more often but finances skyrocket with this visa process.

It is very hard and I wish I had siblings that could be there for her.

[~Nini~ 2]

For me personally I have a bit of a tumultuous relationship with my mother, and during the beginnings of my relationship with my fiance she would constantly ask me whether I was going to move there and abandon her. After I told her I was moving she had a bit of a meltdown, and now we can't even talk about it without one of us getting angry at the other. She constantly worries that something is going to happen to her and I won't be able to fly back in time. She's always complaining about how I don't need to leave her, and how my fiance should move up to Canada. Unfortunately she doesn't realise that Bee and I have discussed all the rational discussions and in the end, it is much easier for me to move to the US than it is for him.

Like shanna, I also have a lot of extended family. While I haven't been getting nearly as much guilt-trip from them, it's still tough. I don't have any doubts about moving to the States at all, but every time I speak to them I get interrogated about whether this is really what I want to do. I don't think they really understand, and at this time I'm so tired of the lack of support that I don't want to rehash it all on deaf ears. So I can definitely relate to the feelings of guilt and lack of support.

Best advice I can offer is, to just give it some time and let them adjust to the idea.

Edited September 12, 2007 by Nini & Bee

[curiousn 0]

Thank you guys for sharing your experiences. It helps just to know I'm not completely alone with this. Sometimes I look at or hear about families who work out just fine with distances and wonder if I'm the only one.

Sha - Thanks! I'm excited. Well, mostly. Some amount freaked out, too.

Also, I can completely relate. Dad was diagnosed with cancer not long ago and 7 weeks later, we lost him. I am thankful beyond words that I was relatively close and could afford to hop back and forth almost on a weekly basis. Considering how little we had left with him, I wouldn't have missed one second of it. I can't imagine the dilemma that being so far away causes when something like this is going on.

Omoba - I hear you on the grandkids - great grandkids front. We don't have any little ones yet but I already feel bad about their grandma not being able to see them more than twice a year.

As far as talks with the hubby - I can usually talk to him about most things but somehow, he can't seem to relate to this guilt-issue. It was mentioned earlier on this thread that this may be somewhat of a foreign issue to Americans as they are so mobile. To make matters worse, a good portion of my friends (at home) also, well, not disapprove of me but they don't understand how I can be so far away from family and home or why I would even want to.

And Nini, I know what you mean about the 'are you sure about this?' discussions. My brother has a particular dislike for America and Americans in general (neither of which, I might mention, he knows to any degree) and quite clearly is of the opinion that I very possibly lost my mind. I think just overall, he and Mom can't associate with this wanderlust of mine. They don't understand why I can't just go home and sit still. I'm a bit of a black sheep. Dad, I think, had no problems with it.

Anyway, guys, once again, thanks for sharing. There is comfort in knowing the problem's not mine alone.

[athena_ny 1]

We are not yet in the States but I have been living abroad for a few years now and our move to the States is coming up shortly. This will triple (or more) the distance between my family and myself.

Personally, I believe this is what I want to do - stone me for it but at this moment, I cannot imagine moving back home (for one thing, hubby doesn't speak anything besides English) and don't much like where I am now. I'm looking forward to living in the States (mostly ).

However, my mom and brother at home aren't so enthusiastic. Mom will just stay rather quiet with a really sad look on her face but my brother will outright blame me and put a guilt trip on me. So here I am, I feel incredibly guilty for leaving them behind but at the same time, have no doubts that this is what I want. Makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me.

I wonder if there are others in this type of situation out there. How do you guys cope?

My mom was heartbroken when I (USC) moved to Florida to be with my now husband (non-USC). But in the end, she just wants me to be happy and even if she is heartbroken that I'm gone and she's in a house full of crazies, she never stopped loving me and has forgiven me - and I've realized I didn't do things in the best way.

Always a game of tug and war.