Can/Am Custody Issues

[Amanda-Lise 0]

I was wondering if anyone has gone through this before. I don't have orders from a judge, because we worked out custody issues before the divorce case was even heard. There is a separation agreement, which I was assured multiple times was binding, where he agrees to me having sole custody. It also agrees to some visitation.

He hasn't had any kind of contact with the children since January. No phone calls, no birthday presents, nothing. He couldn't even keep his CS on track. My eldest has been in therapy since shortly after we arrived. My ex recently asked to see the kids at xmas. I've been struggling for years to get that man to have anything to do with his children. He has consistently seen them once or twice a year, with no phone calls in between for a long time. I know he will see them for 2 or 3 days, and then they will hear absolutely nothing from him for at the very least 6 months. My eldest in particular is struggling with issues in regards to her father. She has no desire to be left alone with him, and is very uncertain of even wanting to see him at all. Her therapist feels that seeing him will set her progress back alot, that I shouldn't be allowing him to "hit and run" parent. I do agree that she has a lot of healing to do before she will be ready to see him again. I know he is with someone new, and always feels the need to proove, at least for the first few months anyway that he is a wonderful daddy to the new lady to impress her, and any effort he makes now will vanish without a trace and my girls will be left confused, hurt, missing him, with a whole host of new issues.

I told him a few days ago that I didn't feel xmas was a particularily good time, that my eldest has a lot of healing to do and she isn't ready to see him yet. He responded that he is going to get a lawyer when he gets to his new posting to enforce visitation and get some things changed in the custody agreement. If he agreed to sole custody in a separation agreement, do I have a leg to stand on here? A professional believes that him seeing her will cause her significant damage. Do I have a right to refuse visitation in that case? Is there a certain age where kids will actually have a say in whether or not they see the other parent? Has anyone here ever had Can/Am custody issues? I'm very stressed, and worried for my eldest. She genuinely doesn't want to see him, and is in fact scared of him.

[L_n_O 3]

sorry hun.. I really don't know a lot on the issue but I hope he one day is out of your and your kids' lives permanently..

doesn't sound like he's really help them be good little grown-ups..

take care..

[misa 2]

Hi Amanda, I'm sorry to hear things are not going well with your ex and your eldest daughter.

I think you'll need to contact a lawyer but I think that there are some really strong points in your case:

- that he signed over sole custody in the separation

- that your daughter is seeing a therapist

- the therapist believes it is harmful for her to see him

- that your daughter does not want to see him and is scared of him

You may wish to ask the therapist if he/she can recommend an attorney and if he/she can help you through this by providing the necessary reports for your case.

How old is your eldest? Isn't there a certain age where Canadian children can decide on their own if they want to see the non-custodial parent? Or is that only with issues of who they want to live with?

Hopefully some of the other parents here can offer some suggestions.

[Amanda-Lise 0]

My eldest is 10. I'm really not sure about the age, I'm finding all sorts of contradictory information. Im pretty sure the international part will cause its fair share of problems as well. A friend of mine suggested I look into a guardian ad litem, but it looks like they have to be ordered by the court first. My youngest doesn't have the amount of issues my eldest does. He and I were together only breifly after she was born, so she doesnt have the same experience as her sister. Either way, stuff has been coming out at a rather rapid pace lately where I need to be able to protect my daughters.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I would agree that you should talk to a lawyer and see about getting a confirmed sole custody arrangement in the courts. You have a lot of strong evidence to support your position. The fact that AOS is also pending at the time and they may not be able to leave the US to visit Canada may be something else to consider, although that point may be resolved by Christmas. Good luck in working it out.

[vnoe 0]

First of all I'm really sorry for all that you are going thru. Now find a good lawyer!!!

Hugs

[bradcanuck 1]

Bottom line: Get that therapist to write down their opinion of the situation. If you have to, get custody of the kids through the courts. You have a VERY strong case which I have absolutely no doubts you will win. Also if you can prove he has been tardy with child support, the judge will 100% of the time side with the mother.

You have a winning case, if you want to remove the father from their lives. He should not be allowed to come in and out as he pleases. As you children get older THEY can decide if they wish to have anything to do with him. Around 15-18 they may, but for now it could do a lot of psychological damage.

Best of luck, as I say (only to reinforce) take it to court and you win.

[Jeremy + Kristy 0]

Sorry to hear that. Sounds VERY much like what we are going through with my (to-be) step-daughter's father. So, in that case, I HOPE you have a leg to stand on. It sounds like it to me, but, alas, I'm not a lawyer.

[desert_fox 32]

I was wondering if anyone has gone through this before. I don't have orders from a judge, because we worked out custody issues before the divorce case was even heard. There is a separation agreement, which I was assured multiple times was binding, where he agrees to me having sole custody. It also agrees to some visitation.

If your Canadian courts are like the US Courts, that agreement became a part of the final divorce decree and is binding on both parties.

I dont think that a US court will touch it as the original court retains jurisdiction unless both parties consent to a change a venue. It might even be recognized by a treaty between the US and Canada...check the DOS site. That original court order can only be change if there is a change in circumstances, that you can prove in court or can be consented to by your ex.

[Bernie and Gary 0]

Hi there, I'm from Canada and my lawyer recommended and we achieved a court order. I'm still in Canada so perhaps my 'official' custody issue is not really an issue.

You may want to secure a Canadian lawyer (which province are you from?), and just wait to see if he actually takes you to court, sounds like he's a laggard anyway. My ex who is an absent parent threatened many things but never did pursue anything, no he's just plain gone. I have two boys - 17 & 13 and they're resolved to not ever seeing him again, and I don't talk about him either.

Another note, if you have sole custody you don't have to talk to him about any joint decision making, because you have it all! I don't have to respond and it's less stressful.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Amanda-Lise 0]

Thanks for all the responses. After talking to a few lawyers here, I left a message for my former lawyer in Canada. Hopefully he can shed some light on what I'd need to do here.

We were from Ontario.

[misa 2]

Amanda-Lise, good luck on your custody/visitation issues. We're all here keeping our fingers crossed for you and your daughters. *hugs*

[winterr 0]

I have sole custody of my 11 yo daughter but had to agree to some visitation, my daughter is not in therapy but her father doesn't call, email, send cards etc either and never has, when we were in the same country he only saw her rarely and it was to be a supervised visit. It's such a frustrating situation so I really know how you feel.

I am bummed that we had to agree to some visitation after moving here since it's so expensive to go back home.

I'd talk to a lawyer, not that i'd want that expense but it's probably best.

Good luck.

[Bernie and Gary 0]

What are the specs concerning the vists? Does he get designated or alternate holidays such as summer, XMAS, Easter, etc., and who pays for the trip? Remember that if it's in writing, then it's likely binding, if it's not in writing, then at the end of the day, you've both done your part concerning negotiating and setting the guidelines concerning your child/ren.

Good luck!

[Delicia 1]

Legally, I don't know what the issues are and it very much depends on the jurisdiction the divorce was finalized in. I was awarded sole physical and joint legal custody of our 2 children at the time of my divorce. The visitation was set up so that I could approve/deny visits as they fit into my life and all he had to do was ask at least 48 hours in advance. My ex husband was very much the same way with his kids, and he visited them about 5 times during the first year we were married. About 5 other of times during that first year, he would call, schedule a visit, I would agree, then he wouldn't show up. Second year, probably around 3 times he actually saw the kids with about as many missed appointments. It seemed he was only interested in seeing the kids when he was dating someone new and wanted to 'show them off.' Eventually, he just sort of faded away. I haven't heard from him in over 7 years continuously now. My oldest is 19 years old and the younger one is about to turn 17. They don't miss him or even mention him, really never have since the younger one was less than 2 years old when I was divorced.

I did consult an attorney about revocation of parental rights many years ago and my attorney advised against me pursuing it. He said that a judge will always try to keep in tact the rights and ability for the non custodial parent for the benefit of the children. The only way that rights are revoked from non custodial parents are typcially if the noncustodial is incarcerated or the custodial parent remarries and the new spouse adopts.

My circumstances are different, but it may give you a glimpse of how the court sees these issues.